Authors: Dawn Sutherland
Sophie
I spend a lifetime in the shower trying to rid my body of the humiliation that I suffered last night. I let the warm stream of hot water soak down my body. The water leaves a hot impression upon my body and I find myself wishing that it was Josh’s touch. Although I have only had the pleasure of his touch during accidental brushes and THAT kiss, I feel myself craving for it even more. I want him with every fibre of my being. I may be opening myself up for more pain and heart break but I can’t help myself. I know he doesn’t want me now but I can’t just turn off my feelings like a tap. He obviously didn’t feel anything for me at any time, I feel like such a fool.
I get out of the shower and get dressed for the long day ahead. I throw on a pair of my cotton black professional pants and a business like white shirt. I have to work very closely with the boys today as they get ready for night one in San Diego. The bus took its time getting here. We had several stops along the way and enjoyed the sunshine for a while. We got to see some of the sights. We were all sick of being stuck in the bus and the boys had a few days off before the first show.
As for Blaine, that guy is worth his weight in gold. Never did he take sides whilst I cried my eyes out in front of him. He didn’t dismiss me and take sides with Josh, no he sat with me whilst I told my pathetic little story. When all was said and done he rose to my defence and confronted Josh about the whole thing, not that it made a blind bit of difference. Josh still didn’t come and apologise for his actions so I just assumed that that was his true feelings coming out. It still doesn’t help me any.
I head into my office and get the wardrobes sorted for this evening. The outfits are looking amazing. Despite the situation between Josh and I, I still want him to do well. I hope that his hand is strong enough to perform tonight. Today is going to be just frantic but least it will keep my mind off of the issue that is my attraction to Josh. Unfortunately nothing has died down for me in that department.
I head into the kitchen at lunchtime and prepare myself a cheese sandwich and pour myself a glass of orange juice. I settle down at the breakfast bar and start eating when I’m joined by Tanner and Zack. To be honest it’s a welcome distraction from both Mickey and Josh. When those two are in the same room there are just too many clashes of the ego. Yes, Zack and Tanner are a refreshing change and they both treat me with the utmost respect.
“Well Tanner how are you feeling this afternoon? Excited for tonight?” I fumble with my sandwich while I speak to Tanner. I don’t feel remotely hungry now.
“Erm yea need a few beers before I wake up though. Will you see if there are any in the fridge Sophie?” I can’t believe he wants a beer this early in the day. The guy is going to drink himself into an early grave, and it seems our talk has just gone on deaf ears.
“Tanner I’m not looking in the fridge for beers for you. Its barely lunchtime and you want to start drinking? This really has to stop, I care too much to sit back and watch you drink yourself into oblivion.”
“Sophie it’s no big deal I’ve told you, it’s just a few beers here and there, no biggie. I’ll go and see if there are any in the fridge, don’t worry your pretty little head.” That statement alone has my body shaking with rage; I will not allow him to do this.
I get up off my stool and race to the huge silver fridge before Tanner can get there. I know he has a problem from the pure look of desperation that is on his face, I don’t let it deter me though. I swing open the fridge door and find the crate of beer that Tanner was referring to. I pull it out and place it on the counter beside the sink. Zack has now bounded behind us and is holding Tanner back.
“Look Tanner mate you know you have a problem, let’s let Sophie help you, yeah?” I’m glad that Zack is trying to help me here. The problem is only going to spiral out of control if he doesn’t get some help and quick.
I open the crate and pull each can of beer out of the pack and start opening each one. I then start the job of pouring each one down the sink; I will not allow alcohol to destroy one hell of a drummer. If I can do something to help him then by damned I’ll do it. I don’t care if it puts me into his bad books from now until the end of time. He is looking down a destructive path and I just won’t allow it. After I finish pouring the last beer down the sink I turn around to face Tanner, who has the glummest look plastered upon his face. The look of realisation etched on face hurts my heart. It’s the look of him finally realising that he has a problem.
“Tanner I’m doing it to help you not punish you. I have been watching videos online of the band and I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that you are one of the most talented drummers this world has ever seen. Please don’t ruin it. You are so damned talented and like I said before I don’t want to see you lying in a box. Just get your shit together or so help me, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”
I want to cry so hard for him but at the end of the day he has to realise just how big a problem he actually has. Tanner fights against Zack and storms off into the private bedroom and slams the door closed behind him. I really do worry about that boy.
Its 3pm and the weather is glorious. The show is scheduled to start at 7pm and I’m frantically trying to get everything sorted in time for the boy’s first show. Sometime later I’m interrupted by a sharp knock at the door; I open the door to one of the roadies.
“Hey Sophie I’m here to start taking all the guys gear into the arena, you wanna point me in the right direction of the stuff. I’ll take it down to their dressing room.” Well I guess it’s time to get my game face on, it’s time to do action.
“Right no problem….” I suddenly realise I have no idea what the guy’s name is.
“Bill. Just call me Bill all the other guys do.”
“Great Bill, everything is over there on the hangers. Everything is labelled for each guy. I’ll make my way into the arena in a few minutes.” I need a few minutes to compose myself before I’m thrown into the madness that will undoubtedly ensue. This is our first night and I just know the after party is going to be the killer.
Am I going to be able to watch as cheap little whores throw themselves at Josh. I thought that I would be able to turn my emotions off and just throw myself into the rock lifestyle like the others seem to do, but I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to.
“Cool Sophie just give Trev a shout when you want escorted over, the rabid fans have already started to queue outside for entry. Its best you don’t go out there alone, you really will need a chaperone.” What the hell? I’m sure I can walk the few feet into the arena without needing a big bad bodyguard watching out for me.
“Look Bill I appreciate it but I’m sure I will manage to walk the short distance into the arena. After all the fans are going to be much more interested in looking out for the guys rather than a silly little stylist.”
“Don’t you believe it Sophie. You’ve made the news. Some fans don’t like such a new member to the team especially a woman. I would much prefer you to be escorted by Trev that way I know you will get there safely.”
What the fuck is it coming to? If only it was true that I was a threat. Josh made it very clear that he didn’t want me and that he would be on the lookout for someone to catch his eye. His words still cut like a knife.
I stand pacing my dressing room willing myself to get amped up for our first gig of our first US tour. I have just showered with the other guys and we are all standing in the shared dressing room dressed in nothing but towels. I discuss some of the more complicated riffs with Zack and we talk about the best way to tackle them whilst Mickey does his show boating on stage. I’m very excited, but fuck I just can’t take my mind off of Sophie either. I heard about the incident where she poured all Tanner’s beer down the sink and I totally admire her actions.
Tanner has had a problem for a while now. None of us have really noticed it; I suppose its been mounting up bit by bit over the months. We all like to party, it’s the kind of lifestyle that we are all involved in. It just started off being a few beers here and there but it has gradually developed to numerous beers and numerous shots before gigs. Now Tanner has started to snort drugs before each gig to get into his high zone. I hate it, Tanner can do so much better than drugs. He is one of the most talented drummers on the face of this planet. To see him destroy himself with that filth has me worrying for his health both physically and mentally. He has been in the bathroom a long time and I know exactly what he is doing, but right now I can’t do anything about it.
I’m snapped out of my reverie by the bathroom door slamming shut. Tanner is back in the room with us but to be honest you wouldn’t think it. He is completely out of his skull. His eyes are glazed over and he is so high and excitable it’s just freaking crazy. He is dancing all over the dressing room playing an imaginary drumbeat with his fingers. He’s play fighting with Blaine but you can see that Blaine is also worried. For a bunch of twenty-five year old guys we aren’t too reckless with our bodies, the exception being Tanner. As the weeks have progressed he is becoming more agitated and I can’t help but wonder if something has triggered the increase in his drug taking?
There is a small knock on the main door to the dressing room and Mickey walks over to answer it. He is greeted by a very business-like Sophie. Obviously she is trying to create distance from the Sophie of that night in the bathroom and the one that is here to work.
“Well beautiful come on in, always a pleasure to see your sexy body manipulate ours.” Mickey throws Sophie a devilish smile and it has me wanting to smash every one of his teeth down his fucking throat.
“Right Mickey enough of the sweet talk I’m here to get down to business and I don’t appreciate your tone.” Haha score one to Sophie. Take that dickwad!
“Alright Sugar no need to get your panties in a twist. On second thoughts if they’re that twisted I will happily take them off for you.” Mickey winks at Sophie and it takes me all my power to seem nonchalant. Mickey has his pick of them yet he decides to chance his hand at the woman I want more than air itself.
“Right guys, I know the roadies brought over the clothing that we decided on.“ Sophie walks over to the hangers in the corner of the room. I have to admit myself that Sophie has done a stellar job of putting together our outfits for this gig. She is very talented at what she does. “Okay everything seems to be here, now you can all go ahead and get dressed and I wish you all the best of luck for tonight’s show. I know you will all do great. I have the utmost faith in you all.” Sophie aims the last part of the sentence to both me and Tanner. I know exactly why she aimed it at Tanner but why the hell would she direct that statement to me? After everything I have done she still has faith in me to do my job well. Does she still have feelings for me? If she does, she is hiding them pretty well.
Mickey and the guys take their respective clothing into the communal shower room but I stay in the dressing room with Sophie. She stands in the middle of the dressing room and just glares at me. Good, this is affecting her. She folds her arms over her ample breasts and stares me down. Oh baby there is no way you can out stare me!
I drop the towel completely and Sophie stands there completely gobsmacked by my brazen actions. I don’t make any advance on her or let her know that I still want her. I still know I’m not good enough for her, but I still want to be on her mind every minute of the day purely for selfish reasons. I’m a cruel prick.
Sophie’s cheeks flush a beautiful shade of pink and I know she is thinking about me right now. I wonder if she is thinking about what she would like me to do to her, wondering how explosive the sex would be between us. I know the sex would be pretty damn special judging by how powerful that kiss was. It even shook me to my very core. I turn my back on her and allow her the luxury of examining my powerful back which is covered in a massive tribal tattoo; I just know that will get her going.
I bend down and pick up my boxer briefs and slip them on covering the main weapon, that should make her feel a little more comfortable.
“You know Josh you are the one that called time on this whole thing. Yet you feel the need to bare all to me, now why is that? I admitted to you that I do have feelings for you, so I’m guessing that its some sort of cruel tactic to keep me from looking elsewhere for a bit of sexual contact.” Sophie slumps her shoulders and sighs aloud at the situation that is facing us both. Sophie has hit it right on the head. There is no way that I want her to even look at another man that way. I can’t have her yet I don’t want any other man to have her either. Just what kind of douche am I turning out to be?
I slip on my torn blue jeans, a pair of socks and my trademark white tank top. I slip on my heavy boots. I turn to face Sophie who has a very sorrowful look upon her stunning face.
God how I imagine her mouth wrapped around my shaft with her big beautiful green eyes looking up at me.
Snap the fuck out of it Josh. For fuck sake man! I’m hurting her but I just can’t seem to stop myself.
“Oh Sophie Darling can you not get over little old Josh? I know I’m a big deal and all the chicks long for one more night with me but you’re just going to have to shake your obsession with me. Move on sweetheart.” What a complete and utter dick. I hate how I’m making her feel but she really doesn’t need to get involved with a fuck up like me. The look on her face is complete devastation. She must have been hoping that I might have changed my mind. I have gone and fucked with her head once again.
The moment is interrupted by the guys joining us once again. Mickey is looking between the two of us obviously trying to weigh up exactly what just happened between us. He must notice Sophie’s expression because he has a wolfish grin etched across his face.
He walks past the boys and puts an arm around Sophie’s shoulders and gently pats her head. I honestly thought that Sophie would push him away but I see her inch her head onto Mickey’s heavily tattooed arm and she closes her eyes. The pain that is soaring through my chest almost floors me.