Rock Me Slowly (26 page)

Well isn’t that the question. I know I’ve changed and for the better. I was struggling to keep my head above water before Sophie. Life was just downright crap and I have dealt with some pretty intense problems in my short life. That crap has led me to making some pretty dumb decisions, one of them being that night with Jasmine.

“I have met a woman Jasmine. She’s the most incredible woman I have ever met. She completes me like no one I have ever met before; she makes me question everything about this life, about my past, about my future. Everything I knew before her has been turned on its ass. I never knew I could have a connection with a girl, have such intense feelings for someone and actually care about how they feel. It scares me though.”

“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting that response I must say. Would you say you have fallen in love with her? I know what I think but I want to know what you think.” Jasmine clasps her hands in front of her awaiting my reply.

“I’m not sure if its love exactly. Yet. Oh hell I don’t know. I want to be with her all the time and I mean all the time. I need to know what she is doing at all times but not in a stalkerish way, more I want to keep her safe and with me. I want to know everything there is to know about her; I want to know what her favourite things are, what her dreams are and what she was like when she was a little girl. God, I want to know it all.” I stop for air. I’m getting carried away but I always do when I talk about Sophie. Last night has done nothing to change that.

“Josh I think you’re kidding yourself if you think that isn’t love. To see you talking about her that way is refreshing. I just wish that Mickey would have such passion for a woman like that. Mickey is still on that destructive path you were on. I’m happy that you have managed to turn it around. Going to let you in on a little secret Josh. I don’t blame you for that night as much as I do myself. I chased you until it was impossible for you to say no. I forgive you; I’m not the kind of person to keep holding onto a grudge. I can see that you have changed and for that I’m so happy for you.” Jasmine smiles earnestly at the realisation.

“Jasmine I can’t tell you what that means to me, I’m truly sorry for it. I was a complete asshole and you giving me the forgiveness that I don’t deserve means a lot, so thank you. I hope you are able to find peace too and find a man that deserves you. It’s probably too late for Sophie and I but I hope you get that, I honestly do.”

Casting my mind back to last night makes me sad and angry again. Just seeing those two in bed together just about shattered my heart on the spot. I never really trusted Mickey but I honestly thought so much more of Sophie. At the end of the day I thank her for making me feel again. She made me feel alive.

“What the hell do you mean it’s too late for you and Sophie? Come on Josh talk to me.” Jasmine looks at me with piercing eyes and a worried expression on her face.

“I think it’s pretty much over between Sophie and I. Unfortunately it was your brother that had the biggest hand in our break up.” I say sadly. Even Mickeys name grates on my last nerve.

“You have got to be messing with me. Mickey somehow manages to turn things to crap one way or another. What the hell did he do? Don’t you dare tell me that he slept with her? If he has I am going to kill him myself.” Jasmines anger is pulsing from her body and I have no doubt that she would give it a good go.

“I’m sorry Jasmine but he did sleep with her. I don’t just blame him though obviously Sophie wanted it too. It hurts I won’t lie. The worst of it was that Mickey told Sophie that he caught me fucking a girl in the men’s room of a bar that was a few blocks away from the tour bus. I didn’t fuck her Jasmine, I swear I didn’t. She came onto me and I pushed her off me. I was trashed but I had learned my lesson from that time with you.” I put my head in my hands. The memory is painful.

“I believe you Josh. I could tell as soon as I had spoken to you on the phone that you had changed. There was just something different about you. I wouldn’t have agreed to meet you if I thought for a minute you were that same guy.” This time Jasmine reaches out to hold my hand and I let her. The action is comforting. It’s what I need right now. “Look, I’m not going to sit back and let my brother ruin something that seems to be very special. It’s about time this whole mess got buried. I won’t let him do this. Leave it with me I’ll have a word, somehow I don’t think this is as clear cut as what you think. Things never are when my brother is involved.” Jasmine winks at me.

This girl is amazing. Not only has she forgiven me for being the biggest asshole on the planet but she is trying to help me sort things out with Sophie. I don’t deserve any of it but I’m given the smallest dose of hope.

Never.Lose.Hope.

My phone buzzes on the kitchen island and I pick it up to see who has sent me a text message. It’s Jasmine. Jasmine and I have been keeping in touch since last year, since that night Josh destroyed everything I had worked to build up.

My family has had a hard time over the years and it takes everything to keep us all together now. We have had less than a normal upbringing and Jasmine and I are the only ones to come out of the experience alive.

Jasmine: Been keeping things from me have you? I have had a really interesting meeting with Josh. Phone me a.s.a.p. P.s phone me before you go charging looking for Josh, I mean it!

Why the hell has Jasmine had a meeting with Josh? Has he not done enough damage already? Why on earth would she open herself up for more heartache at his hands? I need to phone her to find out exactly what went on and why.

I dial Jasmines number and she picks up on the first ring, she must have been sitting near the phone. She knows I would phone her instantly. I would do anything for my sister, that’s why I took Josh’s actions hard.

“Oh Mickey what the hell have you been up to? Why didn’t you tell me how much Josh has changed, he really is a different person. So tell me, why you are still holding onto the past so tightly. It wasn’t a nice time Mick, one I don’t care to remember. “Jasmine chastises me.

“Jasmine, he destroyed you last year. I’m the one that was there for you during your drug taking. You were a mess. There were days were you couldn’t even get out of your bed, you were that out of it. How many times did you shout and scream for another hit? How many times did you go out and find a house to break into just so you had money for more drugs?” I say flinching at the memory.

“Those days are over now Mick and you know me better than anyone. I can’t hold a grudge, I just can’t. It’s not in me, we had too much of that shit growing up.” True that.

“Oh Jasmine that’s what I love about you. You are so forgiving where as I would have just totally cut them off. There would have been no going back.” Not before I had cut off Josh’s balls first though. “So more to the point what the hell did you meet with Josh for?”

“He phoned me up in a bit of a state if I’m honest. I knew as soon as I started talking to him that something was different. I just knew. Mickey he loves that girl, Sophie. He doesn’t realise it yet but he does. He was so animated when he was speaking about her. His face lights up at the mere mention of her name. It’s such a change from what he used to be like. All he cared about before was fucking then ditching them.” You can hear the smile through the phone from Jasmine.

“I know he’s changed that’s why I’m having a hard time adjusting to it all. I don’t want to believe that Josh is capable of changing his ways. I want him to still act like the dick he was last year, it would make it so much easier to hate him. I want to hate him so bad for hurting you, for destroying the life you had built for yourself, for the future you were going to have. Then boom all of a sudden one night with him and you are this drug taking, fucked up little girl. It neared killed me Jasmine. I love you, you’re my sister.” I would do anything for her, and I mean anything.

“Mick you can’t be there for me all the time. There is going to come a time when you can’t be there for me like now, now you are on tour it’s going to become impossible. I love you, you are my brother but there’s a limit to what you can do.”

“When did you get so smart, huh?” Jasmine surprises and amazes me at every turn. Any guy that is lucky enough to get her is going to have their work cut out trying to impress me.

“I’m not smart bro, just wise to everything now. Life’s too short we both know that. So come on tell me, did you really sleep with Sophie? I hope to god you didn’t. Even after everything that has happened I still don’t think you would do that. I hope.” This girl knows me too well. She can read me like an open book.

“Oh Jasmine. No I didn’t sleep with her, I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, god I did, but I still see Josh as a brother to me. I still love him. I heard Sophie crying herself to sleep and the reason behind that was my fault too. I waited until she fell asleep and I crawled into bed with her with just my boxer briefs on. Josh woke up in the night and found us in bed together. He got the wrong idea but I didn’t put him right. In fact I more or less told him that we had sex.”

I’m ashamed of myself for doing that but at the time I wanted to punish him for the mess he had left my sister in. I thought I was doing the right thing, I’m not too sure now.

“Right so that being said, did you see Josh fuck that girl in the men’s room? I think I already know the answer to that one but I want to hear it from you.” Well it looks like Josh has told her everything. I can’t lie to Jasmine anyway.

“No I didn’t. I had to make her think that Josh had cheated it was the only way I could get in-between the two of them. Before you start, no I’m not proud of myself but I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want what happened to you happening to Sophie.” My actions seemed harmless but I had good intentions really.

“Look Mick I don’t really care what your reasons were behind this whole mess, just sort it before it really is too late. I know you still want to have Josh in your life despite what went on. There was a time when it was only you two. Just remember he was there for you during the whole mess back home. You need to fix it and you need to fix it now. I have forgiven him maybe it’s about time you do the same.” Jasmine tells me sternly. Jesus she is like a little mother hen always telling me what to do. Deep down though she makes a world of sense.

“Jasmine what on earth would I do without you? You always make me see sense even when it’s right in front of my nose. God, anyone would think you were the older sibling. I laugh at how the roles have been reversed but it’s great to laugh about it all instead of all the tears that have been cried over it by both of us.

“Right, get off the phone you sappy fool. Go and sort things out with your best friend. If I can forgive, you can too. I love you. Bye.” Jasmine clicks off the phone and I’m left to my thoughts.

Now that Jasmine has spoken about the whole deal with Josh I feel bad. Really bad. How could I have been such a fool to break up such a great thing between two of the nicest people I have had the honour of knowing. Sophie makes me laugh and she has a heart of gold. She actually reminds me a lot of Jasmine. They both would do anything for anyone and they don’t have a bad bone in their body.

I want to forgive Josh. I miss having my brother to talk to, I miss shooting the breeze with him, and I miss just having a beer with him. I miss him, period. That night I not only had to deal with a broken sister but I also had to deal with the fact my relationship with Josh was destroyed. That hurt me more than I could ever explain or say in words.

I have known Josh since kindergarten and we have been there through thick and thin and I was devastated to lose that bond with him. It’s been a hard year in more ways than one. It’s very important to me to bury the hatchet with Josh. He’s my wingman, my brother and my friend. I need him.

I ease into the entertainment room to find Josh talking to Blaine. I stand quietly by the door and listen to the conversation.

“Look Blaine, I wouldn’t lie to you guys. I didn’t fuck her; I could never do that now. I’ve fallen too far for Sophie. It’s the real thing. I have never felt this way before. I love her and I want to be with her.” Josh says with a raw passion that I have only seen from him on stage.

Shit.

Sophie

I keep questioning myself about last night. Josh apparently came into that bedroom and found Mickey and myself in bed together but that doesn’t make any sense to me. I would never have slept with Mickey, not when I was finally admitting to myself that I was in love with Josh. Hell, I still am. Josh has hurt me but I still want to be with him, I still want to share this crazy life with him and I still want to be the one that he shares his bed with at night.

I sigh, how could I let this drag on like this. We have barely spoken to each other since the incident. We are both as stubborn as each other but we have to discuss what happened, there is no point in brushing it under the carpet. We need to address a few things like how he really feels about me or is it just pure attraction?

I sit down on the sofa for a moment, I have been feeling rather ill today. If I stand up too quickly I feel so dizzy that I have to sit back down again. I have a sick feeling but I put it down to catching a bug with being on the bus so much. I hope it passes soon. I feel like crap.

Josh has just come back on the bus from being god knows where. Josh has as being going AWOL the last two days and I wonder what the hell he has been getting up to. After his little encounter with that bitch in the men’s room, I’m beginning to think that he is reverting back to form. I have the sneaking suspicion that he is fucking his little groupies once again. It breaks my heart but I just have to tell myself that he obviously never felt anything for me at all. It doesn’t make it any easier but at least I know the truth now instead of later.

Josh heads towards the bathroom and walks straight past me without so much as a second glance. He would have been as well stabbing me in the back. I feel like our short time together meant nothing to him and it stings. I love him and nothing is going to change that. Why the hell I had to fall for him I will never know.