I cleared off the table so we could eat, and then sat down with Joe to watch the movie until the food came. It was a standard action film, the hero bent on getting revenge on the people who killed his family. How a school teacher became such as expert in warfare or got access to such an arsenal of weapons was never explained.
When the food arrived I signed for it and tipped the guy. Joe grabbed his plate and went back to the bed.
"Joe, sit at the table with me."
He grunted. "Why? I'm comfortable here."
"Because it's nice to eat together and so you don't get meat juice in the sheets."
He stared at me for a moment and then laughed. "Okay."
Dinner was quiet and a little tense. I picked at my sandwich and kept forcing myself to stop touching my hair.
"What's wrong, Liss?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"Does your head hurt or something?"
"No."
Joe put down the fry he'd been about to eat and leaned in. "What's going on?"
I sighed. "Really?"
"Yes, really."
"You're such a guy sometimes, Joe."
"Huh?"
I tugged at a lock of my now darker and freshly highlighted hair. "My hair is a completely different color and you haven't even noticed."
He peered at me through slitted eyes for a long moment. "Fuck me, it is different."
My jaw clenched and for a second I wanted to throw a tiny bottle of ketchup at him. "You suck."
"What? I'm a guy, Liss. I'm not going to notice every time you change your nail polish."
"Oh yeah, because an entirely new hair color is such a tiny difference. God, you can be such a jerk."
"Oh great. Now you're gonna do the girl thing? Where I'm the bad guy because I'm tired and my day sucked? Guess the honeymoon is over."
"Don't you dare," I said. "I'm not like that and you know it. And your bad day isn't my fault, either, so don't take it out on me."
Joe frowned and then took a deep breath. "I know. I'm sorry." He stood up and came around behind me, patting the back of my head. "I always loved your hair. And this is even better."
"Whatever."
"I mean it. You look gorgeous." He leaned over and kissed my neck, but it did nothing to soothe the tension in my body. "Liss, come on. What is it?"
"Nothing. I…I just thought you'd like it. Cooler hair for a rock star's girlfriend."
"Hmm." His hand reached around to caress the side of my breast. "I like how that sounds."
"What?"
"You, referring to yourself as my girlfriend."
I blushed. "You said it first. The other day."
"Caught that, did you?"
"Yes."
His fingers dropped to my waist.
"Hey, Mr. Grumpy, whatcha doing down there?"
Joe chuckled and bit my shoulder lightly. "Ending this argument once and for all. And getting in a better mood."
"Uh huh. So you admit you were in a bad one when I got back?"
"Yes. And I shouldn't be. I've got the sexiest girl in the country in my hotel room and she's got awesome new hair. My life is perfect."
I snorted and turned my face to his, planting a kiss on his lips. "And don't you forget it."
"I won't. Let me make this up to you." His fingers snuck under my shirt and headed for my bra.
"You can try," I said, still a little shaken.
"I will. I'll try all night."
I let him lead me back over to the bed. The sex was wonderful, as always, but it didn't erase the stress he was under, or my nerves about being just one more thing for him to deal with. In the back of my mind I wondered if something hadn't shifted between us, making the foundation of our relationship unsteady and in danger of falling to pieces.
The next night things still weren't right between us, but they were better. Backstage at another show there wasn't time for serious talking and it was too loud for me to get lost in my own thoughts.
A day off had reenergized everyone, it seemed, except for Ryan. He spent the entire show roaming around looking for someone to yell at, and I made sure to stay out of his way. When the guys came offstage he barked at them for no reason, reminded them about a radio station contest meet-and-greet after the show, and scowled the whole time.
As the band members retreated to dressing rooms for a brief break even prickly Rick noted Ryan's attitude. "What the hell crawled up his ass and died?"
Joe and I giggled. He was one to talk. I'd gotten used to Rick's attitude, but he walked around glaring hard enough to turn everyone to stone. Joe claimed it was his artistic "intensity," but I knew an asshole when I saw one.
Needing a moment of comfort, I hugged Joe and inhaled deeply, enjoying his sweaty stench.
"Are you sniffing me?"
"Yes."
"Weirdo." He kissed me, cupping my ass in his hands. "You smell great. I smell like an old gym sock."
"No you don't," I replied, licking his neck. "You smell sweaty but clean. I love it."
He growled playfully and thrust his hips against me. "Mmm, I had no idea you were so kinky. We should explore this. If-"
A knock on the door interrupted.
"What?"
"Hurry the hell up in there. Your fucking fans don't want to wait all night," Ryan said from the other side.
"Be right there." Joe gave me a peck on the nose and released me reluctantly. "To be continued."
I frowned and tossed him a towel and a t-shirt. I knew he had to work but I was getting tired of sharing him with the whole world every night.
He wiped down, shrugged into the shirt and took a deep breath. "Okay, let's do this."
We went out into the club and through to a back bar area. There was a line of people milling around waiting for the band. They applauded and someone squealed when Joe stepped into dimly lit space. He was surrounded in an instant and I stepped back, looking for a corner to hide in. It had become a familiar thing for me, staying out of the way, fading into the background. I had no idea how he could handle being surrounded like that without freaking. It made me nervous just watching.
Beth appeared with a bouncer, and they managed to get the small crowd under control quickly. Joe took a few swigs on a beer and started greeting people. He perked up under their attention, standing straighter and plastering a bland smile across his face. It only wavered when a very tall, skinny girl turned around, pulled her pants down a bit and asked him to sign her ass.
I gritted my teeth as he obliged a little too happily. It started a trend and CDs and t-shirts gave way to body parts as the items shoved in his face for an autograph. Joe's eyes flitted over to as he was writing over the top of a very round, full breast and he shrugged.
Joe was really in his element. He was so animated and friendly, open in a way I only got to see when we were alone, but different. Sure, he wasn't sharing his deepest secrets and fears with his fans, but he was happy and fulfilled, in complete command of everyone around him and loving it. He gestured broadly and seemed almost hyper, practically vibrating under all the attention.
I waves as his eyes landed on me but he ignored me and went back to signing autographs and taking photos with the fans. One girl asked for a picture and practically climbed up his body to get the shot. All the while he grinned.
Rolling my eyes, I took a sip of the glass of wine the bartender had just handed me and scanned the room for something, anything else to look at. But apparently Joe noticed and he was at my elbow in a minute.
"Liss, you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Look," he said, running his fingers through his hair, "I have to do that shit. It doesn't mean anything."
"Joe, I know that. And I'm not mad." I had been, but his concern blunted it. "Do what you have to do. I just don't want to watch, okay?"
"Okay, great. See ya later, then," he said, relieved, and patted my knee. He was already turning away when Ryan rushed over and grabbed his arm.
"What the fuck are you doing," he hissed.
"Nothing. Taking a break. Chill out, man."
"Fine. Break's over. Back to work." Ryan's stare hit me like and ice pick to the chest so hard I rubbed the spot.
I smiled briefly at Joe and turned back to my wine. This was by far my least favorite night on the tour and I couldn't wait for it to be over. The drinking did help a little. I'd finished that glass and another by the time the fans started filing out. When they were gone the bartender left too, and it was just Dream Defiled, their support staff and assorted hangers-on like me.
Ryan stalked over to me once more and I could tell he was going to let me have it.
"Melissa, I thought we'd talked about this," he said icily.
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"You. Getting in the way."
"How am I in the way of anything? I'm just sitting here."
"That's not what I mean and you know it. Joseph is working. Part of his job is talking to fans. He needs to focus on that, not you."
"What the hell are you talking about?" I stood up, squaring off against him. "I didn't do anything. Joe signed everything and talked to everyone. Why are you giving me a hard time right now?"
"Because you're a distraction. And he doesn't have time to be distracted. This entire enterprise rests on his shoulders and I won't let you or anyone else jeopardize it."
"I'm not. I mean, I've been trying to do everything right. I do whatever you say. Go everywhere you want."
"You're not listening to me." His voice grew louder and everyone was watching us now. "Joe is the center of all of this and he needs to be on his toes at all times. He can't do that with some insecure girl scurrying around after him all the time."
"Insecure? What does that have to do with anything?"
"I get it, honey," he said, tone dripping with derision. "You hooked up with a guy way out of your league and now you're struggling to hold on tight. Beautiful women throwing themselves at him constantly and you know you don't measure up. I'm sorry about that. But this is real life, real business. Not a reality dating show. You seem like a nice enough girl, but you can't destroy everything we're working for to keep your man faithful."
It was impossible to keep the tears from flowing down my cheeks. Anger and humiliation and fear that he was right filled me and I just ran away, not caring where I ended up or who saw me go. I stumbled repeatedly in new shoes and tear-blind eyes, but just kept moving.
I somehow managed to make my way backstage again, flashing my pass at a bored-looking guard. I found a bathroom and locked the door, sagging against it and sobbing. How dare Ryan talk to me like that, and in front of everyone? It was horrible. And Joe hadn't said a word. Or come after me. Did he feel the same way? Did all of them?
The very idea made me cry harder and I slid down to the floor, which was disgusting but I didn't care. It was impossible to move when I could barely breathe. I felt like such an idiot. Here I was with my trendy new hair and clothes, thinking I fit in with these people, in this world. Like a couple of weeks in their midst made me someone new, someone worldly and worthy of their consideration. I'd run away from my real life to have new experiences and ended up the same old outsider, looking in on the cool kids, bowing and scraping for the slightest bit of attention. My stomach roiled and I staggered into a stall, barely making it before the remnants of my dinner rushed out of me.
I threw up over and over until I was as empty as I felt. Shivering on the filthy floor I'd run out of tears to cry. And still, no Joe. Nobody came to check on me. None of them cared. For all I knew they were out there having a good laugh at my expense, enjoying the spectacle I'd made.
My despair coalesced into anger and I stood up on shaky legs. I splashed cold water on my face without looking in the mirror, unable to meet my own gaze, and rinsed out my mouth. Rage made my heart pound and I threw back my shoulders and left the bathroom, jaw set in a hard line.
I stalked down the hallway and went to the dressing room. Joe was sitting there, his legs crossed, picking out guitar riffs against his legs.
He cocked his head to the side and stared at me like I'd grown a second head. "Hey, where'd you go?"
"Away, Joe. I went away after your manager humiliated me and you did nothing. What happened to the guy who was ready to fight his band mate for insulting me? How times have changed."
"I…I didn't know what to do. Ryan's been in a shit mood all day."
"I don't care! I am here for you. Because of you. And you just let him talk to me like that. And then what, came back here to chill?"
"No." He paused and looked down. "I figured you'd want some time alone. Everyone else left but I waited here for you."
"Well aren't you a hero." The venom in my voice surprised even me, so it was understandable that he jerked back like I'd struck him.
"Liss, please calm down. I'm so tired. I don't want to fight with you anymore."
"Of course you don't. Because I'm here to make
you
feel better, not the other way around, right?"
"What? No, that isn't what I meant." He held up his hands, warding off my harsh words, but it was too late.
"Maybe not what you meant but it is how you feel. How everyone feels. I'm like a babysitter who has sex with you. Your handler."
"I don't know or care what anyone else thinks. You know how much you mean to me."
"I know how much I do for you, Joe. There's a difference."
"I don't understand where all of this is coming from. What do you want from me, Liss?"
"Nothing. You talk a good game about how beautiful and wonderful you think I am, but that's only when we're alone. When it really mattered, when it came time to be on my side you did nothing. I needed you then. Now I don't."
He stood up and crossed his arms over his chest, jaw clenching. "Please stop it. I can't do this right now. It has been a really long night. Can we just go home and talk tomorrow? We'll both feel a lot better."
"Home," I spat. "There is no home here. There's a bus and a hotel room like every other hotel room in this state. Those aren't home."
"They are right now."
"Not for me."