Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) (8 page)

I certainly had one word for him beginning with F but that, for the moment had to be put to one side.  John was quite conclusive in his explanation, that was it as far as he was concerned, how could we ever get back what we first had, it was impossible, therefore John now needed to move onto his next relationship, enjoy the hunt, chase, sex and excitement and have complete disregard for who he hurt.  I was surplus to requirements.

I would have been more than satisfied with reading him the riot act, I doubted he would be single for long but what was it he was looking for? Prolonged satisfaction was something he clearly didn't care for but he had to realize that at some point in his life there were no longer going to be queues of women at his door waiting for his attention, he would be leading an insular and sad life without the love of a woman only the lust of his libido, a lonely life to look forward to and one I didn't want him to live, unfortunately it wasn't my choice and I would have to walk away.  There was no point in fighting as I would only have made myself look a fool.  John was adamant and I was defeated, I walked away not knowing whether I was doing to the right thing, in fact, no, I didn't know I was doing the right thing for John but for myself, it was definitely the right thing.

Having always corresponded with my grandparents via email, it was a shock to them the next morning when I telephoned them, I could hear my Grandmother in the background asking what was wrong, they weren't stupid and within the next 30 minutes I had arranged to go back home for a short holiday, both of them were concerned but so pleased that I'd chosen to go and spend some reprieve with them.  It was going to be strange, I hoped not too stifling but I thought the fresh air and open spaces would do me good. Not to mention re-visiting some fond memories which may put my life back in perspective. 

My life back on the farm had been grounded, it taught me to think well whereas the city was a constant source of bewilderment, I was very strong in character but during the last weeks with John I'd begun to doubt myself and my judgments, perhaps it was time to go back to my roots and see where the tranquil environment took me.  John hated the country, he'd always said how nondescript it was and that it held no inspiration whatsoever for him, he was bored instead of influenced, I on the other hand couldn't wait to lose myself in its refuge.

The night before I'd planned to leave I received a phone call, it was John.  I was slightly caught off balance that he'd contacted me in the first place but even more so when I heard that he knew I was leaving.

“Are you sure this is what you want Eva?”

I was baffled by his question, “It's for a holiday John, to collect my thoughts, gather inside what I'm going to do and which direction I should head for, nothing else.”

There was a slight pause at the end of the phone, “I realize that but there may be distractions that manipulate your decisions?” 

I realized immediately that by 'distractions' he meant Tommy.  “That's really none of your concern any more is it John and besides, I haven't thought about Tommy since I met you, what makes you think that us meeting up again is going to cause a stir now? But like I said, it's not your worry anymore.”

Not only did I feel insulted by his comment but it was remarkable how someone who instrumented such a cold division in our marriage could all of a sudden come across as if he cared what I did with the rest of my life, it was after all finished between us, what was with the phone call in the first place, if he was sure that everything was done between us then he wouldn't need to bother himself with what happened next for me, only the next unsuspecting victim's life he was about to ruin?

There was in fact, nothing left to say and I replaced the receiver.  Our relationship was over and so was the conversation.  John needed to understand that he was no longer my puppet-master, the strings had been cut and I was now a free person, I may have been going to the country to re-assess my situation but that didn't mean I was looking for a solution to this particular relationship, I accepted that this was now over, it was time to reflect on the reasons and decide what my next chapter would entail.  The only hard fact decision I would have to make about John in the future would be when to file for divorce.

Soaking in a hot bath I was starting to feel the day's drudgery drift away from my body and mind, wrapping a towel around my body I stepped out of the bath and into my bedroom, my heart almost jumped out of my body when I saw John standing in the same room. 

He looked lost and unsure of how I was going to react and he had every reason to.  I could have easily lost my temper and screamed at him to get out, he wasn't welcome and he had no right to come into the house, however, it was still his house and he did have every right to come in, however, entering the bedroom whilst I was in the bath was another matter.

“What are you doing John? I thought I made it perfectly clear on the phone that there was nothing left to talk about, I want an early night and I'm leaving in the morning, end of.”

Fiddling with his keys, John was clearly feeling a little difficult in the circumstances, whether or not he'd expected to find me in a state of undress or finding himself walking into a corrosive atmosphere, it was un-chartered waters for him, in a perverse kind of way it was nice to see him so vulnerable.  He walked towards me and put his keys down on the bedside table, hands in pockets, I knew he was anxious.

“Eva, I never meant to hurt you, I promise you that and I'm sorry that you're feeling crap because of me, I just don't want you to walk out of this with anything negative ...”

“You mean you don't want me to badmouth you in front of anyone, you want to feel better about yourself out of all of this regardless of my feelings ...” I interrupted.

John shifted slightly, taking a step towards me, “No, not at all, I hate myself for feeling like this and I wish more than anything that I didn't but I'm selfish, I only seem to think about my own feelings most of the time and at this moment in time I'm thinking of you … I don't want us to part on bad terms, I still love you, I'm just not
in
love with you.”

I smiled and sat down on the bed, “Yes John, this is the problem, for most people, love is enough, you have to
be
in love … you'll be forever lonely deep down if that's the case.”

He sat down beside me, I could feel his unease.  He buried his head in his hands and sighed deeply, this was something rare to see, John was usually so together, I was slightly unsure what to do.  I placed my hand on his back and gently stroked, he suddenly sat up, looked at me and took my face into his hands. 

“Eva, I'm so confused, when I'm with you it's not enough but when I think you're going I don't want you to.”

He kissed me.  Initially I didn't know how to respond but I missed his lips and more than ever I missed his affection, I couldn't help but kiss him back.  As expected, it was like when we first met; heated, electric and full of anticipation.  If this is what John was missing then he was certainly not going to miss out on it tonight, I knew it was for all the wrong reasons but it did feel right … there was no harm in saying goodbye?

As we involved ourselves in each other there was a huge amount of passion, perhaps a bigger passion than we'd ever previously experienced between one another, totally engrossed in satisfying each other's needs, this was perhaps the best sex we'd ever had since we'd met.  John was more attentive, I was more amorous, we both seemed to have reached a mutual connection of integrity, neither of us holding back, it was like we were both strangers having rampant sex in a hotel room, no strings attached and no awkward composure, we were wanton with lust and free with our inhibitions, for me and I'm sure John would agree, the best kind of sex, ever.

When we'd completed our marathon sex session, when every position had been attempted and both of us had enjoyed several full blown orgasms we lay in each other's arms silently
considering what we'd just done.  I didn't feel sorry or remorseful, I'd expected to but I didn't, I was actually quite positive that it was actually what we both needed … I could now go away with this and John would be left with this, would it be enough for him to re-think his decision, only time would tell.

If it was indeed time for me to re-build my life without John then it was imperative that I took this time away from the city, away from him and involved myself in a completely different environment to assess my decision properly.  If I was to take this farewell rendezvous at face value then my prognosis may not have been a fairly attempted one, this had to depend on complete independence and unwanted impressions, and this included both John and Tommy.

It just so happened that Tommy was going to be instrumental in my returning home, regardless of his situation and circumstances, we were going to see each other and no matter what, it was going to be emotional.  We both may well have formed our own separate and different lives but we'd also both shared a very important chapter in our lives, for me a life changing chapter, so, as far as that was concerned, it was going to be unavoidable.

John left first thing in the morning.  Nothing further was said, we didn't discuss the previous evening and we didn't elaborate on my holiday, it was a silent agreement that we said our goodbyes, I finished off my packing and I left with no turmoil or angst from his behalf.  For me, I'd enjoyed our night together but felt very sad that it had to be that way.  Why could we not have got to that stage without the dissolution?  I can't even begin to describe the feeling I got when John entered me but it was better than the first time … how can anyone want to give up on that? I'm not sure that I did, but I wasn't sure that John didn't.

Driving off away from the house was quite emotional, I knew I'd be back whatever the outcome of my marriage but it was displeasing to think that it may not ever be our marital house again, we both had so much plans for that house; I wanted to eventually fill it with children, John was a little unsure of this prospect, more in favor of filling it with dogs (only in an attempt to fill my void of wanting children), it had never been outwardly or inwardly discussed but I knew I'd be able to convince him that children were a good idea and a natural step in a married life.  The chances of this happening weren't looking good now and as I observed in the rear view mirror, like the house was becoming smaller, so were the chances of my marriage being mended.

And so began my road trip, had I reached a turning point or would either of us be able to salvage the deterioration?  I loved John more than anyone I'd ever loved and to think that we'd come to end filled me with such sadness.  John had behave in his usual cut throat, business manner and I couldn't even work out whether or not he was affected by my going away, if he was then he showed nothing towards convincing me either way.

As I drove through the village I purposely took more notice than I normally would have time to.  Everyone was going about their business, some without a care in the world no doubt, oblivious to others problems and some carrying their world on their shoulders, like myself.  I stopped off at the paper shop. I remembered that the paper bill needed paying before I left because I knew that John wouldn't have the first clue it was due, to him, the newspaper was on the breakfast table every morning and he'd be thoughtless to how it actually got there.  Mrs. Hennessey, the store owner was a bright and bubbly lady who had run the shop since her mother had passed on several years ago; having no mothers in common, Mrs. Hennessey and myself had always had time for each other and I was kind of dreading speaking to her.  Seeing me walk into the shop she beamed a smile that I'd been accustomed to each month when I went into pay her. 

“Crikey is it that time of the month already Eva? Time does indeed fly.”

“Not quite Mrs. Hennessey but I'm going away for a few days and I don't think John knows how to take care of the little things,” I explained hoping that she wouldn't probe much further with her questioning.  It wasn't because I didn't want her to know anything but I wasn't really sure there was anything to tell her anyway, it wasn't strange that I wanted to go and visit my family so there wasn't any reason for her to think things were amiss, nevertheless I just wanted to pay and run.

Thankfully a group of school children came bustling into the store which distracted her from any further conversation, she passed me the bill, I left the right money and said I would see her again in a couple of weeks, I hoped that would be the case.

Business-wise, I was always able to work from home as long as I had the internet, my grandparents were a little behind the times where technology was concerned but I'd insisted on them having it installed a while back, for keeping in touch purposes, so, at least I wouldn't be cut off from the outside world as such and I could continue to work.  This was only the second time since I'd started work that I was having time away from the office, I'd never had a day's sick and the only holiday I'd ever taken was my honeymoon, I could just imagine the gossip in the office as to why I was taking unexpected leave.