Authors: Alexa Blair
THE END
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The Cowboy's Lover
I had just finished herding the cattle out to the back forty when I heard the sound of hoof beats and turned to see Buck riding in from the direction of the house. I had meant to be angry with him for showing up late, but my heart skipped a beat at the sight of him just the same. Stupid, really, all things considered. He’s my boss, he’s married, and I’d eat my hat if he felt the same way about me. But damned if I can do anything about it.
I brushed a stray lock of hair back from my face as I watched him approach. I could tell from the set of his shoulders that he and Ruth had had another bad one.
“Charlie,” he said as he tipped his hat. I’d smack anyone else who called me that. My name is Charlotte,
not
Charlie. But somehow when he says it, it’s all I can do not to melt into a puddle on the spot.
“Mornin’, boss,” I replied pointedly. It was well after noon. And of all the silly things, I was actually proud of myself for managing to be at least a teeny bit angry at him.
“I know,” he said sheepishly, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.” He even attempted a smile.
That was what really got me. That sad attempt at a smile. At the sight of it, what little anger I had evaporated into nothing, like steam off a griddle. It was one of those smiles that you see on someone and it hits you that you didn’t realize just how much their heart was breaking until you saw that smile. Until you saw them trying their damnedest to pretend their heart
wasn’t
breaking.
“That’s ok, boss,” I said, doing my best not to let on just how much hurt I’d seen on his face in that one instant. Which screamed against pretty much every instinct I had. But Buck is nothing if not a proud man, and if he knew that I’d seen what he would consider to be weakness, it would only make it worse. So I held my tongue.
And he held his. He gazed back toward the house in silence as I waited. The silence stretched on for what was probably only a minute or two, but it seemed like an eternity. I shifted uncomfortably in my saddle. After another minute, I finally could take it anymore. I cleared my throat, and he turned toward me, whatever reverie he’d been lost in dissipated for the moment.
“You uh…you wanna talk about it, boss?” I ventured. For the moment, any feelings I had for him took a back seat. Right now all I wanted was to be his friend, to help. Just to give him someone to talk to.
He hesitated and for a second, it seemed like he was really considering it. But the moment passed.
“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “Let’s call it a day, Charlie.”
That took me by surprise. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d decided to stop working so early in the day. Without waiting for a reply he turned his horse toward the house and the stables and headed in that direction at a walk. I followed in silence.
When we reached the stables, neither of us spoke as we brushed down the horses and put away our tack. His hand brushed mine as we both reached to hang our harnesses at the same time and a tingle ran through me. I silently cursed myself for reacting like a junior high girl and decided to get the hell out of there before making a complete ass out of myself.
“See you tomorrow, boss,” I said over my shoulder as I walked out of the stables. I made a beeline for my truck and headed home.
*****
I shook my head as I watched Charlie hightail it to her truck like there was a damn fire and haul ass toward the highway. I swear, that woman acts so damned odd sometimes.
This day had been a lot to process. Ruth was in rare form this morning. Not that things are ever quite right in this house, not since Colton.
But she was worse today. She always is this time of year. The first couple years I tried to be there and hold her, and…I don’t know…
help
somehow. It only seems to make it worse. But I don’t know what else to
do
. So I guess I’ll keep trying again this year.
I miss my wife. She was beautiful and vibrant. And she still is beautiful, just as beautiful as she ever was. She still has her long dark hair, and piercing blue eyes. But her vibrancy is gone.
I
t feels like there’s a stranger with her face living in our house and in our bed. I want my wife back.
Charlie asked me if I wanted to talk about it today, probably out of politeness. But damned if I didn’t want to talk about it. Ruth would have my hide if she found out I was airing our dirty laundry. And if she found out I talked about it to a
woman
? Hell, you might as well just strap in for Armageddon, because it’s coming.
Then again, maybe Charlie could give me a woman’s perspective…
But no. Especially not after what had just happened.
Our hands brushed when we went to put up our harnesses. I didn’t think anything about that. But the way she blushed…I’m not sure what it was, but that was the first time I’d actually seen her as a woman. It left me wondering what it would be like to touch a woman again. To touch
her
.
I tried to push those thoughts out of my head. It was just loneliness talking. I made my way back up to the house. Maybe Ruth had cooled off enough to talk by now. I hoped so.
I found her in the living room. She was curled up on the corner of the couch asleep. Her book had fallen to her lap. I had to smile. Seeing her like that, it was easy to believe that things were still the way they had been. Or at least that they could be again. I eased myself down next to her and let my hand rest on her shoulder, trying not to wake her.
It only lasted a few minutes. She began to stretch and then tensed as she felt my hand on her shoulder. She looked at it pointedly and then at me. I removed it reluctantly, and we sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.
“I was hopin’ we could talk,” I finally said to her.
“About?” she said icily, drawing herself up until she managed to somehow look imposing even with her legs curled up underneath her.
“This mornin’,” I said. “I feel like we left a few things unresolved and I just—“
“Don’t you have some work to do?” she snapped.
“Nothin’ that can’t wait ‘til tomorrow.” I tried to take her hand, but she pulled away. I hesitated before speaking again. “Ruth, I—“
“Oh, will you just
go?
” she shouted. “Go! Get out. Get the hell out of my sight!”
I hesitated another moment. I opened my mouth to speak again, but she was having none of it.
“
Go!”
Well, that was that. I threw up my hands before getting up and heading for the front door without another word. Not that I could have gotten one in edgewise. My boots kicked up clouds of dust as I headed across the driveway digging my keys out of my pocket. I hopped into my brown Chevy truck and headed for Bobby’s Watering Hole.
It’s where I usually go when she gets like this. I can blow off some steam, and on the off chance she cools down and calls me I can usually find a ride back home. And in the much more likely event that she
doesn’t
cool down, the Star Motel is right across the street. I guess I could go home and sleep on the couch, but it just seems a little too cliché.
I made my way into Bobby’s and sat at the bar.
“Uh oh,” said Shelly. “Don’t usually see you in here this early. Everything ok?” she asked, handing me a Budweiser without me even having to order it.
Shelly is the bartender at Bobby’s most days. And nights for that matter. Sweet girl, has a husband who works up at the mills and two kids cute as buttons.
“Yeah,” I lied, even though she and I both know it isn’t or I wouldn’t be here. “How’s the family?”
“Good,” she said with a smile. “Johnny got promoted, Gracie lost a tooth, and Samuel starts kindergarten in a few weeks. Can’t complain.”
“Good to hear,” I told her, saluting with my beer bottle and taking a swig. She didn’t ask about Ruth because she knew damn well that’s why I was there.
She gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze and went back to her work without a word, for which I was grateful. I didn’t really feel like talking about it now the way I’d wanted to talk about it earlier. Which was unfortunate for me, because just then Carl made his way up to the bar and sat down next to me. Don’t get me wrong, Carl is a great friend. Which, at the moment, was exactly what I wanted to avoid. He would know something was wrong and he wouldn’t leave until we had talked it out. Oh well.
“Hey, Carl,” I greeted him.
“Howdy,” he replied with a grin. “How ya been?”
“Oh, ya know,” I said.
The grin had already dropped from his face. Christ, he catches on quick.
“Uh oh,” he said. Then, raising his voice, “Hey, Shelly! Two more!” he shouted as he held up two fingers. He polished off his beer and lowered his voice again as he said, “Tell me what’s up, man.”
“Ah, it’s nothin’,” I said, still trying to weasel my way out of talking.
“Bullshit,” he said, crossing his arms. I sighed.
“Fine,” I told him. I know when I’m beat.
Shelly brought back two Budweisers and left us. Carl pushed one toward me and took one for himself before settling back and waiting for me to talk. I figured I might as well not put off the inevitable.
“It’s Ruth,” I told him.
To which he snorted and told me, “No shit, Sherlock.”
“Well I don’t know what ya expect me to tell ya,” I said, exasperated. “It’s Ruth. It’s always Ruth. What else do you want me to say?”
“Bad one, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, feeling more defeated than I had in a long time. “Yeah, it was a big one.”
Carl nodded. “What’d y’all fight about?”
“Honestly?” I said, “I’m not even sure. I said I was gonna get to work and she lost it. Threw the coffee pot at me.” I tried to laugh, but it sounded weak even to me.
“You think maybe she was jealous of you goin’ out on the ranch with that woman Charlotte?” he said as he elbowed me.
I actually did laugh at that. “Just let Charlie hear you call her ‘that woman.’ She’ll kick your ass.”
“Hey, just askin’,” he said jokingly, holding his hands up. “Some women might take exception to a man lettin’ a woman do a man’s work. Might think he had his reasons, if you know what I mean.”
“Carl, Charlie can work circles around you and half the men I’ve hired. And besides that, it was Ruth’s idea to hire her to begin with. So can it.”
“Alright, man,” he said. “Alright.”
We sat in silence sipping our beers for a few minutes. I thought maybe he was actually going to drop it when he spoke up again.
“This have anything to do with Colton?” he asked.
My jaw tensed up as I fought the urge to clock him right in the jaw. He didn’t deserve that. He was just a concerned friend trying to help. And what’s more, he was probably right. Even so, it still took me a couple minutes to cool down. And God bless him, he gave me those couple minutes to cool down, without pushing the issue.
“Yeah,” I finally said. “I think it probably does.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder for a moment before speaking.
“Buck,” he finally said. “It is a terrible thing to lose a baby. It is even worse when that baby is stillborn.” I had to fight back tears as he spoke. “But you can’t spend the rest of your life grieving,” he continued. “You gotta let go. How long has it been?”
I didn’t reply.
“Buck. How long has it been?”
“Three years,” I replied. My voice was a hell of a lot raspier than I would have liked. “Three years this September.”
He nodded. He knew that already, of course. He had just wanted me to say it.
“Buck, three years is long enough to grieve. Y’all need to move on, live your lives.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
“Have y’all thought about..I dunno…tryin’ again?”
I snorted at that. “Carl, she ain’t let me touch her in three years.”
“Ah. Right. Ok.”
We drank the rest of our beers in silence.
*****
I arrived to work a little early, and decided to go on up to the stables. It was still predawn, no light in the sky. Normally I don’t get here this early. There’s a good bit of construction on the highway and it usually takes me a good hour to hour and a half longer to get here. Might as well get Winchester saddled. I could go and check on the cattle in the back forty and maybe get some of yesterday’s work done while I was at it, as long as I could find a lantern or a flashlight to light my way.
And that was exactly what I was trying to do when I tripped. I wasn’t prepared for it and I went down hard. I cried out as the ground bit sharply into my knees, and more sharply into my unprotected palms.
“Charlie?” a voice slurred from the darkness.
“Ahhggh, Jesus! What the…Buck?” I said, flabbergasted.
“I think you kicked me,” he slurred.
“Kicked you, my ass,” I said under my breath. “I tripped over you,” I said a little more loudly. “What the hell are you doing out here?”
“Oh yeah,” he said, giggling. “I
am
out here.”