Authors: Jessa Hawke
5
“I like the sound of your news, because you look happy,” he tells me. “You must go first.”
“Okay, I’m just gonna say this. Here goes,” I was nervous to tell him, but I was sure it would cheer him up from his dire mood. “You’re gonna be a father,” I say, calmly, trying not to be a crazy girlfriend.
“What?” he yells, standing up. “Did you not take precautions?”
“I…I…I thought we were in love,” was my pathetic answer.
Oh my god, he doesn’t want our child, he doesn’t want me. I got the whole wrong idea. I look at him blankly, unsure what to say. It was clear the news did not please him.
“This is not good, Katie, not good at all,” he informs me.
“Oh,” I retaliate, softly, “for some odd reason, I thought you’d be pleased.”
“When I tell you my news, you will understand my situation better,” he says, but I could not think what he meant. Either he wanted my child, or he did not.
Sitting back down on the couch, he takes both of my hands into his big strong palms, looking into my eyes again. I can see he’s struggling with something, but what can it be?
“Katie, I do love you, that is why I have a problem with this situation. If I did not love you, you’re being pregnant would mean nothing to me,” he starts to explain.
I say nothing. I’m too dazed, I honestly thought we were a couple in love and this would simply be the icing on the cake.
“I am married,” he admits.
Suddenly, my sickness feels tenfold. Why didn’t I see this? I’ve been a fool walking around with my eyes closed. I should have picked up the signs, I’m not stupid, am I?
“But its’ not how you think, I hate my wife,” he continues. “She is the daughter of my boss, and there lies the problem. My boss is a member of a very powerful mafia family, from my country.”
“Mafia?” I repeat the word, in a trance like state. I cannot believe how my world has suddenly turned upside down. “What does that mean?”
“Our marriage is… kind of an arranged thing, in a way you could say that she owns me. It seems she took a shining to me back home, in Sicily. My family were in debt to hers and it was agreed that I would marry her, and the debt would be cancelled.”
He paced the floor looking so unhappy.
“I swear, she means nothing to me, in fact I hate her. She is hard and cruel and treats me as some kind of trophy. She knows she owns me and she makes me suffer for that everyday of my life.”
“Surely you have rights, Renato? This is America for goodness sake. There are such things as divorce,” I say, not really understanding why he’s so tied to this marriage.
“I have no rights, my love,” he tells me, with a look of hopelessness in his eyes. “I married her to pay a debt. I am, in effect, a servant of this mafia family. I have to do as they ask, if I don’t…..”
He left the statement unfinished, but I could tell that he feared the worse of consequences should he disobey them.
“What? Surely they cannot go around killing people, Renato?” I’m shocked at the thought.
He almost laughed at my words, but instead he just smiled.
“Ahh, my Katie, so naive, it is one of the little things I love about you. They have people killed everyday, you remember the bank manager on the news?”
Oh god, so they had shot that poor bank manager, I was speechless at his revelation.
“I am an illegal immigrant, so to speak,” he informs me. “I have no legal rights to stay in this country. I do so because my wife wants me as her bed toy, and her father is very influential. If she finds out I’m having an affair, it is dangerous for you. If she finds out I’m having a baby, she can arrange to steal it away from you. “His daughter cannot have children, and if she finds out I have a child on the way, she has the power to do terrible things,” he tells me.
I can’t believe that my child is in such danger. I don’t know if I feel fear, or anger, or sadness, I just know that I will not let some mafia bitch take my child away from me.
“We need to part, just for a little while,” he tells me. “Be patient, my love, all will be well in the end.”
6
I haven’t seen Renato in three months, and believe me, all sorts of thoughts have rushed through my head. Has his gangster wife found out and had him killed, will she come looking for me next? I really feared for his life and I would intently watch the news each night looking for any thing that might indicate his death.
Despite everything, including the early morning sickness, I do my best to get on with my life. I decide not to tell my parents about the baby, they would only ask too many questions and I don’t have the answers. As time passes, I come around to the conclusion that he’s not coming back, maybe because he fears for me and his child, maybe because this way is just easier for him. In reality, he did not know me for that long. I sort of blame myself for believing we had both fallen in love with each other. I truly believed he was the one for me, but perhaps I should have checked that he felt the same way.
I stroke my belly and realize that at least I love my child. I know my parents will, aswell, they’re always nattering about having grandchildren, just not out of wedlock. Ah well, these things happen to many a girl, I’m not the first and I’ve got to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m actually a very energetic person, normally. Jogging, gym and swimming constantly. I seem to have just got down to the swimming at the moment, and everything else has stopped, due to my constant sickness. It’s terrible going through all this worry alone, but what can I do? I’m just going to have to accept that I’m going to be a single mom, and my family will also have to take that on board. That decision made, I decide it’s time to tell the grandparents the good news. Once they come to terms about the absent father, they’ll still be ecstatic. This child will not lack love in its life, just a father.
Looking out the window of my apartment, I see the mail man leaving the block so decide to go downstairs and get the bills from my mailbox. Don’t know why I’m in such a rush to open up bills, but I know if I have anything in there, that’s what it’ll be.
How wrong I am, there is not one bill. However, there is a letter for me, but I don’t recognize the writing. Who on earth writes letters these days? Walking up the stairs I study the hand writing and see how beautiful the scrolling is. This is written by a talented writer, someone who has been taught that the written word is important and takes their time with every letter.
I’m so obsessed with the style of calligraphy that I realize I haven’t opened up the envelope yet, which I do so. And, there it is, a letter from Renato. My heart flutters and I have an urgent need to sit down.
He starts by informing me that this is the safest way to contact me, for now. Soon, he will be in touch with me and I must make a decision to either leave the country and make my life with him, or he will support me financially if I don’t wish to do that. Asking me to keep the pregnancy quite for as long as I’m able, he then finishes off by assuring me of his love, and how much he misses me.
By the time I’ve finished reading my lover’s beautiful words, I’m sobbing my heart out. He does still love me and want to be with me. Everything is going to be okay. I’m not sure how I feel about leaving the country, but if it means I can be with him, then it’s a sacrifice I’m happy to make.
7
We sit opposite each other at a cafe table with our coffee, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes, longingly. Both of us just wanting to be be with one another. We are simply a young couple in love, and just for these moments, we can forget the reality of our dire situation.
He contacted me a few days after the letter, sending me a text and asking me to meet him here, today.
“I am so sorry,” he apologizes. “What this must be doing to you?”
“Yeah,” I laugh, “trust me to fall for a bad boy.”
“I have had to do many bad things that I’m ashamed of, Katie, but my heart is good, I promise you,” he tells me with pleading eyes, and I believe him.
“I know, baby, I know,” I try to let him know that I understand, but in reality I have no idea what these bad things he’s done are, and frankly, I think it’s better that I never find out.
Do I want to know? I love this guy, I don’t want anything bad to infiltrate our relationship. All I want is normality, I want us to be a normal, happy family.
“Listen to me,” he says, leaning forward so no one else can hear our conversation. “I can finance a whole new life for the both of us, but that is exactly what it would be, a new life. You could not risk telling your parents where you are going, because the less they know, then the better.”
My stomach does a flip, can I leave my parents behind? Can I take away their grandchild, the one they’ve longed for, for years? I could get up and walk out now, leave this man in my past. I know he would tell no one of his love child, he would not want to put us in such danger. My mind is in such a turmoil, what should I do? Run away with him, start a new life somewhere else?
“I know this is a hard choice for you Katie,” he says to me, as if he can read all the questions that are going through my head. “I will honor whatever you chose. I can keep you safe, if you decide to continue your life here. I will finance you and our child and only ask to see you both occasionally. Or, I can finance us all with a new identity, a new life. I cannot guarantee we will never be found out. At first, my wife will be furious and will make demands of her father. Her father owns me and he will want his revenge for certain matters. My mother and father are dead so he cannot get to me that way, but he will search high and low for a number of years. This is why, if you stay with me, we must take on a new identity.”
He pauses and sips at his coffee. I mirror his actions and take a sip of mine. It’s cold but I prefer it that way, I’m only just able to begin drinking coffee again. The mere smell made me ill, but now I manage it, if I cannot smell it.
“I want you to take your time to decide before you make your decision. Either way, I will be there for you and our child. With one of the choices, you will only see me a few times. With the other, we can be together every moment. Both of these lives are risky. If you decide to keep your old life, then you must keep the baby’s father a secret. If my wife finds out I have fathered a child, she will take it, Katie.”
He places both of his hands around the back of head and pulls my face towards his. There we sit, nose to nose, breathing in each other’s breath. We are madly in love and the world will not allow us to be free. Why does he have to be this bad boy? Why couldn’t he just be normal, like a builder or a plumber, a job that is mundane and normal?
“On my part, I want to be with you and our child,” he continues. “I want to see you every day of my life, smell you, make love to you. I want to see our child, or maybe our children, grow up and pay for them to go to college and have successful lives. But, I guarantee none of this. I can finance us to go and live a long way from here, in Europe, but not Italy. Maybe England, what do you think?”
I say nothing, I cannot think. Is it just a dream?
“I feel sure that my wife will forget me, eventually, though she will hate me forever for leaving her. We will take on new names, I can provide passports, but, we will always need to remain a little secretive about our past.
He stops again, but only to stare off into a daze. Poor man, he is trying so hard to join me, but I don’t know if this is the answer. I’ve never had to live the life he is describing to me. Always looking behind me for fear of some terrible retribution by his ex wife’s family. What else is it he’s done? Should I ask him?
“I want to be with you,” I say, quietly. “But, I don’t want us to have to live a dangerous life.”
He takes my frail hands in his. I’m a big quivering ball right now, afraid of my own shadow. This is not the normal me that strides around exhuming confidence. The gymnast, the dancer who raises money for other less fortunates. I’m afraid, for my baby and for the man that I love. I’m afraid to make a decision on these two choices, what if I make the wrong one?
“I will have to go, for now,” he tells me. “Think about the choices I have put to you, make one of them work. I leave it up to you. Whichever one you go with, I will honor.”
I watch him walk away, seeing only the back of his handsome body. He does not turn around. My tears fall freely as I sit in the middle of an empty cafeteria, sad and lonely. How can I make this decision alone. He wants me to decide, yet I cannot ask my parents, I can ask no one. I must make this huge decision all alone. I am tired and I need to get home and rest. I will talk to my baby and together we will try to make a choice.