Authors: Jessa Hawke
The school hadn't caught on at first that the three of them were going to form a trio that would only be separated by their interests. They didn't always hang out together, in fact it was a rarity because of how busy they were with after school activities and keeping up with their studies. But when they were together as a group Jen had so much fun. All of her favorite moments of high school involved the three of them doing something fun or just hanging out and watching movies together. Jen thought they were lucky to have the kind of chemistry between the three of them that allowed for a kind of synergy to be built up during the school hours that needed released when they were free to do whatever they wanted and be as loud as they pleased. She'd been lucky to have friends like that, able to help her have fun and adjust to the upcoming rigors of college and work and a love life that she would only barely be able to understand, much less control.
Those times seemed like forever ago now, while at the same time feeling like they had just been yesterday. As Jen tried to think back on those memories they seemed to slip away like sand between her fingers—the more she tried to hold onto them and bring them forward in her mind the more she lost of them. But now, with the reunion coming up, she was going to be able to bring those memories fresh to the front of her mind with the help of Ben and Blake. She was excited to see them after decade of them building their own lives and character.
Neither of them had slacked off when it came to making something of themselves. Ben had become a high level manager at a mortgage company very involved in philanthropy, and Blake was a now teaching poetry at a prestigious college. Both had gone onto college after high school, and Blake had even gone further to get his masters so he could teach. It would be interesting to see what they thought of her now. Her red hair was as red as ever, her breasts weren't as perky as they used to be, not that either boy had ever brought them up in the past. Not that she hadn't wanted them to.
Jen had had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she had a crush on both of the boys during high school. It put her in a hard spot because she didn't want to bring up her feelings to either of the boys and be shot down because she didn't know if she could handle the rejection. She also didn't know if such a traumatic event would tear the trio apart or not. It wasn't that they hadn't gone through hard times together as well as good ones, it was just that she didn't want to fool herself into thinking that sort of thing couldn't really fuck everything up between all of them. If she told Ben or Blake about her feelings and they took it badly it could mean ending the friendship between the two boys as well. Or that's what it could have meant. Sometimes when she thought about it it was still like something that was just about to happen, something right around the corner looming large, waiting to hammer her if she didn't do the right thing.
Jen wondered if the ten year high school reunion would be the time and place to tell both of them about the feelings she'd had so long ago. She knew that chances were both of them would rather not dig up old feelings from so long ago, because even though they were things that happened in high school that was still a four year period of their lives where they were growing and exploring the world and themselves. And it wasn't like the two boys hadn't had girl friends and flings during their high school tenure. Both of them had had several very serious girlfriends and many not so serious girl friends. But she had never been anything but a friend to them, and them to her. Looking back it was sweet the way the three of them had been able to keep things so innocent—it was probably what was making thinking about it now seem like such a trip down memory lane instead of a journey back into a past filled with uncertainty, doubt, and pain with a brief flaring of love and pleasure.
Jen knew she'd be going to the even as soon as she got the invite in the mail. She hung it up on her fridge and told her cat Rupert not to mess with it. Rupert meowed and rubbed against her leg, purring like a little furry machine. The reunion would happen downtown at the event center, the one Jen liked that had the lake behind it with trails winding around the landscape. It was fall so the leaves had been turning more and more flamboyant colors as the nights chill continued to plunge them into cold darkness. The small forest that surrounded the lake would be a perfect place for the three of them to take a walk and catch up, and if they made a fire at one of the more secluded fire pits they'd even be able to have some privacy while they all hung out. Because Jen didn't want to see everyone that she'd gone to high school with—not that she dwelled on it or anything. It was just something that would float into her head on the way to work, or driving to the gym, or when she lay in bed at night snuggling with Rupert. Some of the memories that floated back from high school just weren't that great, and as the reunion approached a few of the memories gave her pains to think about.
There was a time she'd come really hung over to school and the principal had noticed and drug her down to the office to jump through hoops for hours, telling her that she might as well admit to drinking. After she'd denied it and denied it, then finally said she'd have to speak to the principal's boss before she spent any more time against her will with him. That was when the principal had started to trot her peers into, having them fill out papers in front of her that said they knew she drank and partied. When her parents had shown up they'd been furious, to the point that the police had to be called to remove her yelling father from the principal's office. All of the kids that had come in with their heads down, eyes on the floor, and filled out papers against her would be at the reunion. Or might be. The entire thing had blown up into such a fiasco that the school ended up letting the principal go. It had gone down at the end of her senior year, when she had only a few classes at the school to go to anyway, so it hadn't been hard for her to duck in and out of the place unseen for a few hours each day. And Ben and Blake had been there to help her through.
The days before the reunion dwindled and other anecdotes of her life that had happened during college came back to visit her. Some were good, some were bad, but all of them pointed to how much she needed some kind of closer. The way high school had ended so abruptly hadn't really left her with any room to say goodbyes that were real. All of them had been rushed off to what everyone else had first made a big deal out of, even called adult life, but as soon as they got to college it had turned out the “real world” was somewhere out front of the university and they'd missed it on the way in. No one could say that now, though. No one could tell her that she hadn't put in the time necessary studying and working on herself. After all of these years of balancing school and her career she was successful. She worked at an advertising firm as a graphic designer, and had gone to school for art all the way through the masters level. She had thought about going and getting her PhD the last few years but something about paying a bunch of money to become a student again, being taught by someone that had never had the success or experience she'd had, didn't sound appealing. And besides, what would she do with a PhD anyway? Make people call her Doctor like some kind of pretentious ass? But now that the reunion was only days away she kind of wished that she had just so she could hear all of her peers say it at the reunion.
Soon enough the reunion was keeping Jen up the night before the event. She'd close her eyes and squeeze Rupert tight to her but it didn't seem to help. In fact, the only thing that helped was thinking about Ben and Blake. Just when she thought she wouldn't be getting any sleep her phone chimed letting her know she'd received a text message. It was from Blake.
What do you think will happen tomorrow?
Blake sometimes sent her texts late at night, somehow knowing when she would be up and in the mood to chat about things.
What do you mean?
She texted back.
Well, I mean, the entire class is getting back together after all these years? How big was our high school class? I think it was something like three hundred and twenty people. It just seems so small to me now.
Blake had moved away to the east coast to go to college, while Ben had moved west and Jen had stayed put.
The city has grown so much in the last ten years,
Jen wrote.
I'm not sure that you'll even recognize it.
How could I forget!? All those nights we spent out in it, up to the hours of dawn.
Jen didn't respond, instead letting her mind drift toward sleep. Her conversations with Blake these days were usually just as the last one—he'd drop in for a few texts, then stop texting as suddenly as he'd started. Jen didn't mind, it was just that it had been years since they'd had a conversation of any real kind of substance. She turned in her bed, careful not to disturb the cat, and looked out the window at the stars twinkling in the night sky so far away. It seemed silly that she was being kept up at night at the prospect of the high school reunion tomorrow. The reunion would be a great time, she was sure. Anyone that really didn't want to be there just wouldn't come, it was that simple. So everyone that showed up would actually want to be there, not just feel obligated to be there. Some people were flying in from very far away to see everyone again, maybe for the last time. Jen thought about Blake flying in from the east coast and how his dark brown eyes would look framed by his black beard and salt and pepper hair.
Just when she was slipping into sleep's sweet embrace her phone chimed again. This time it was Ben.
Are you excited to see everyone again tomorrow?
Jen wasn't sure what to say back, and she was also groggy with sleep. She thought about what she and Ben would talk about when they saw each other, and what other people would say to her.
I'm more excited to see you and Blake, really.
She wrote.
I guess it'll be nice to see everyone else, but at the same time I kind of don't want to see everyone else. It's been nice being away from some of them. I mean, do you remember how shitty of people some of them were already, so early in their lives, when we knew them?
Jen wondered if she was being too negative, and if she was even making sense. She read her text another time to make sure she had and waited for Ben's response. She knew that if she didn't make the conscientious decision to stay up that she'd fall asleep and miss his next text.
Well I'm excited to see you as well.
He wrote.
And Blake. And yeah, I do remember how shallow and close minded people seemed to get the closer they got to college. But that was back when we all thought college was the big show, and didn't realize that it was really more like an extension of high school, and that the real world would show us who had really learned what was important—how to learn—and who had simply been sitting in class copying off of the person beside them. I am excited though. I'll see you tomorrow! Sleep well.
Jen was barely able to finish the message before sleep pulled her under. She didn't open her eyes again until the shrill cry of her alarm clock woke her, telling her that she needed to get ready for her day. Jen crawled out of body, despite protests from the cat, and started to get ready. The reunion kicked off around five o'clock, so she had plenty of time, but it didn't seem like enough time somehow even though all she had to do was get ready and drive the fifteen minutes to downtown on the freeway.
Jen looked out the window as she sipped her tea and wondered what everyone would think of her, and if her old high school class would treat each other well or if it would turn into a pissing match. She hoped everyone would be able to get along. As she finished her tea she stood up and stretched, then looked around her place. She was as ready as she'd ever be to face the people she'd gone to high school with, and it felt like she'd be glad, at least, to get it over with.
The parking lot to the event center was packed with cars. It took Jen about ten minutes to find a place to park, then another ten minutes to wade through the sea of people to get into the place. Inside the event center had left up all the art from the last show that had gone on, and Jen was thankful for that. One thing that she didn't like about the art center was how barren it looked with nothing on its walls.
“Well hello,” someone from the high school event staff said. “How are you? You must be . . . hold on and I'll get it eventually. You must be . . .”
The person talking to Jen looked old. She was a woman that Jen had to admit was familiar to her, like she'd seen her in a dream that she couldn't quite remember.
“What's your name?” Jen asked.
“Oh, you won't remember me dear,” the old lady said. “I was the school lunch lady for years, and I'm sure I saw you almost everyday of your high school career. It's just that I tended to blend into the back ground more than anything else. I wasn't one of the lunch ladies that made friends with all the students or anything like that. Not that I didn't want to, it just wasn't my style.”
“Oh my gosh!” Jen said. “You're right! You were one of the lunch ladies! I always went through your line, but I never knew your name. My name is Jen. I'm not sure if you remember me or not. Ha! I guess it's my turn to say that.”
The old woman looked at Jen, squinting as if she couldn't see Jen's face just a few feet in front of her.
“I remember you!” the old woman finally said. “Oh yes! I remember you like it was yesterday when you dropped your tray of spaghetti on the floor and nearly cried you were so embarrassed!”
They embraced and the old woman told Jen where to go next to pick up a name tag, if she wanted to wear one, and also to pick up an itinerary of all the events that the reunion committee had planned out. Jen nearly raised an eyebrow when she'd heard there had been a reunion committee. How could there be one in her own city without anyone even trying to get her involved? This was the kind of thing that she didn't want to have to even think about at the reunion—rampant nepotism and a few of the schools “cool kids” thinking anyone still cared about their imagine popularity in high school. But that's exactly what was going on. A few of the people she'd gone to high school with had formed some kind of committee without talking to anyone else and then started making decisions about the reunion.
Her phone chimed in her pocket. It was Ben.
Holy shit the parking lot is packed. Are there a lot of people inside? And what's this thing I'm reading about on fliers, some kind of committee? Did they think to ask if anyone wanted to give their input via email or telephone conversation or anything like that? I hate the way these things play out, or at least what I was told to expect by my friends that have already been to their high school ten year reunion.
Ben always did this when he got nervous about something—went on and on about it, exploring every facet and tangential line of thought until all lines of reasoning had been exhausted. To him it was soothing, she was sure, but to her it just seemed like a waste of time. When she'd been younger and in high school she'd found it intellectual, but as she and Ben had grown up his talk had continued, but hadn't really grown from what it had been. At some point she realized that Ben was really just talking to himself. She thought that was all right, and knew that they were close enough that he could expect her to listen to him ramble sometimes when he was really twisted up and nervous over something, but at the same time it just seemed strange to her that the nervous tick of talking everything out from all the angles hadn't evolved or matured into something else.
Don't be judgmental
, Jen thought to herself.
As Jen made her way around the event center, looking at pictures and old examples of work that had been produced by her class, she kept running into people that she only half remembered and shaking hands with them, exchanging pleasantries. Some of the people she was genuinely glad to see and speak with. Jen ran into the girl who had bested her on the debate team when Jen had been assigned to argue the side of coal industry against the other girl's clean energy argument and her mouth dropped open. It was something that she often dreamed about, how the other girl had so adroitly turned the tables on her when Jen had least expected it. The debate had been a humiliating defeat for Jen, but she had learned a lot from it, so much so that when she looked back on it now she wanted to shake the hand of the girl that had beat her. So that's what she did.
“Thank you so much for taking me to task during debate so many years ago,” Jen said. “You really found the weaknesses in my argument and blew them wide open. I know it might sound weird but I think that experience taught me more about what life would be like than most of the other stuff that I learned in high school and college combined.”
Jen took the other woman's hand and shook it firmly.
“So, thank you,” Jen said.
The other woman blushed and said their debate was something she still thought about to this day, that when she'd hear snippets of overheard conversation where someone was leaving themselves wide open for a counter she'd think of how she countered Jen's argument and won the debate.
Although none of the people she'd meet after that would be of more significance, there were other worthwhile conversations that she had. Jen didn't know what she wanted to put all of the people and conversation into categories so badly, but she did, and had to continually resist the impulse. She often times wondered how she'd managed to form such tight bonds with Ben and Blake but not with any of her other peers. It wasn't like Ben and Blake and her were all that different from everyone else. It wasn't like she was special, or not special, or even different from everyone in anyway that really mattered. Just when she thought she was turning into Ben the way she kept thinking about something over and over she turned and saw Ben standing, looking down at a flier he'd just been handed after walking in.
Ben looked good, he'd aged well and time had been kind to him. He still had the same eyes and hair, and even the same smile that he didn't hesitate to flash to everyone around him whenever he glanced up from the flier. He hadn't put on any weight that Jen could tell, although it wasn't like she was an expert on it or anything. She wanted to run over to him and hug him as she jumped in his arms, but figured it might be better not to charge him out of the crowd as a greeting. Instead she quietly walked over, softening her footfalls so he wouldn't hear her and look up.
“Ben,” she said when she stood next to him. “Ben it's been so long since I've seen you in person!”
Ben's eyes snapped wide for a second, and for a moment Jen worried that maybe she'd made a mistake in surprising him. She couldn't remember if Ben was one of those people you couldn't surprise without really throwing him off. The moment of anxiety passed quickly, though, and Ben looked up with that gleam coming from behind his lips.
“Well holy shit, Jen, how are you?”
Ben scooped her up in his arms before she could answer. Jen felt so good in his embrace. She tried to think back to the last time they had actually seen each other and realized that it had been all the back in the days of high school that they'd hugged last. It was something that seemed so long ago, which surprised Jen, because now the hug seemed so necessary, something that she just couldn't do without.
“Oh, Ben,” was all she said.
“Oh! What the-” Ben said.
Someone had tackled them from the side, and now rolled with them on the ground laughing. Jen didn't know who it was and so didn't know how to react, but realized that Ben must have seen the person coming because the smile creasing his face was the biggest yet.
“Blake!” Ben shouted. “Blake, where have you been all my life!?”
“Waiting for this moment!” Blake said between bouts of laughter.
When they were upright again, and putting themselves back together—tucking in shirts, straightening ties, and wiggling their feet back into the proper grooves of their shoes—Jen took a good look at Blake. He looked older and wiser than he had in high school, and even the more recent photos she'd seen of him on the internet.
“Well how are both of you?” Jen said, looking from one to the other.
“I'm great,” Blake said. “Seriously. I didn't expect to be enjoying coming back home so thoroughly. Stopped by my folks' house they were actually happy to see me for once.”
“Well now you're a big shot poet and all that,” Ben said. “And look at you, showing up looking so suave. How in the heck am I supposed to feel?”
Blake laughed, but nodded acknowledging that he indeed did look very well dressed, and that made him even more handsome than he usually was.
“Well how was I supposed to show up,” Blake said. “Looking like a schmuck? I was the kid that slouched around the halls all his high school career, I couldn't show up to the reunion looking like I did in high school!”
Jen couldn't help but chuckle along with the two men. They were so handsome and their eyes kept flitting from the other, then her, then back to the other. Jen was having a hard time telling if they were batting eye lashes at each other, but then figured it didn't matter if they were. In fact, she thought, it would probably make a lot of sense if they did. Both of the men were extremely handsome and highly intellectual, and both of the men had thrown each other similar looks while they had been in high school together.
“I'm glad you are both here,” Jen said. “And I know that sounds silly to say but I really do mean it. You both meant so much to me in high school and it's been so long since we've seen each other. I mean, when was the last time that we were all together? Was it back in high school?”
Both of the men seemed to understand her sudden outburst of emotion, but neither seemed in a rush to feed into it. They both murmured something about how long it had been and moved toward another part of the event center. People had started to stare at their little out burst and it made all of them more than just slightly uncomfortable.
“Jen, how are thins here now?” Blake asked. “It has been a long time since I've seen you. What has life been like here?”
They sat down on a bunch of couches that were close to a beer tub being run by event staff.
“Life here will always be the same, more or less,” Jen said. “I've kind of realized that the Midwest isn't ten years behind everyone else, we're stuck in our own little time warp that isn't ever going to end. Because even though this place has grown so much you still can't eat out here after ten, and most bars aren't open on Sunday or Mothers' Day.”