Romancing Snow White: A Prince Charmaine Story

ROMANCING SNOW WHITE

A Prince Charmaine Story

Karen Kiefer

I

Prince Charmaine was down on his luck. Completely, utterly and thoroughly down on his luck. For a man who had never been dumped before, he had certainly been dumped a lot lately! Aurora dumped him. Cydney dumped him. It seemed that every girl in the world was determined to rip his heart from his chest and smash it into smithereens.

“
Why?!” he bellowed to the sky. “Why would ANYONE in their right mind want to break up with ME? I'm handsome.” He held up a finger. “Charming.” He held up another finger. “And downright perfect!” All his fingers shot up at once.

Charmaine was strolling through the woods, which happened to be a favorite pastime of the lonely prince. He hoped to find a woodland damsel sitting among the trees. Daft beauties were often found wandering the woods, not unlike lonely princes.

“
Well, I won't be lonely for long!” Charmaine declared. “Ladies love me. Everyone loves me. And most importantly...
I
love me!”

Prince Charmaine was in luck. As it happened, there was a lovely damsel sitting in the clearing. Charmaine hid behind a tree, watching her. She had thick ebony hair, pale pink skin, and the most precious little mouth he had ever seen. Animals were flocking to her, and it was the strangest thing he had ever seen. She was surrounded by little bunnies and birdies, and a big, fat deer was eating a strawberry out of her hand.

“
Well, that's entirely unfair!
I
want to eat strawberries out of her hand...” Charmaine whimpered to himself. “Maybe not after the deer touched her, though. Stupid, slobbery creature! She'll have to wash her hands, of course.”

He must have spoken too loudly, because the animals scattered. Bunnies dashed for their holes at record-breaking speeds. The deer ran away so fast, it nearly tripped over its own wobbly legs. The dark-haired beauty looked incredibly disappointed by the fact that they abandoned her.

“
Who's there?” her tiny voice cried out. “Is someone there?”

“
Ahem.” Prince Charmaine stepped out from behind the tree with a hand on his hip. He tried to look as dashing as he possibly could. “Sorry to disturb you, my lady. I did not mean to frighten the animals.”

“
It's alright,” she said. But she was pouting.

Charmaine lifted his chin and turned his head ever-so-slightly, giving her a glimpse of his tanned, chiseled profile.
I must look like Apollo right now
, he thought to himself. But maybe he was giving Apollo too much credit? Not even a Greek god could be as handsome as Prince Charmaine!

“
Lovely lady,” Charmaine spoke up. He rushed forward and took her by the hand. “Beautiful, lovely, breathtaking creature! Won't you give me your name?”

“
My name?” she repeated.

“
Yes. You were given one when you were born. It's what people call you?” He flashed a sarcastic grin.

“
Bones says I shouldn't talk to strangers.”

“
Bones?! Who is Bones?!” When she didn't answer, Charmaine took a deep breath and continued, “Well, we have been acquainted with each other for nearly sixty seconds! That hardly makes me a stranger! Please, give me your name!”

“
Snow,” the beauty said. “Snow White.”

“
Snow
?! Bones and now
Snow
?!” Charmaine clicked his tongue a few times. “Where in the world am I!? Why do these people have such stupid names?!”

Snow White pouted preciously. “That's not very nice!”

“
Sorry...
sorry
!” Charmaine was quick to apologize. He wanted to woo her, not insult her! He needed to redouble his efforts and raise his game. “How very rude of me! Will you allow me to start over?”

Snow took a strawberry from her basket and popped it into her mouth. “I guess so.”

“
Snow White... I must say... I am absolutely captivated by your beauty!” Charmaine clasped a hand over his heart and threw back his head. “I have never seen a more perfect vision of loveliness! Your hair is onyx heaven, dripping from a midnight sky. Your eyes are like embers, burning my very soul! Your skin is like pure snow on the petal of a white lily.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Really?”

“
Really!” he exclaimed. “I feel like I could die a happy man, now that I have seen your face! If I were to die tomorrow, your face is the last thing I would want to see! Oh... and your lips!” Charmaine fell backward as he spoke, as if the wind had been knocked out of him. He lay in the grass and shouted his amorous words to the sky. “Your lips are perfect! They're supple, moist, rose petal perfection!”

“
I don't know about that...” Snow said with a shrug. “I'm not that special.”

“
OH, but you ARE!” Charmaine insisted. “I would forfeit a year of my life for a chance to kiss those lips! Do you think I could ever be so lucky?”

“
Maybe. I don't know.”

“
Thank goodness! She gives me hope!” He sat up and held out his arms. “You know, you can sit on my lap... if you'd like.”

“
I don't know about that.”

He patted his leg. “Come on now. Until I can get closer to you, I'm going to be in misery. You don't want to leave me in misery, do you?”

“
Not really.”

“
Well then!” He kept patting his lap.

“
I don't even know your name!”

“
Oh...
for shame
! What a terrible oversight on my part!” Charmaine exclaimed. “You'll have to forgive me, o' sweet beauty! I should have introduced myself the moment I approached! I am Charmaine. Prince Charmaine. Perhaps you've heard of me?”

Snow White shook her pretty head. “No. I haven't.”

“
Well, no matter.”

A bee whizzed by his head, which made Charmaine squeal like a schoolgirl. He sprang to his feet and made a dash for the trees.

“
Charmaine?” Snow called to him. “What happened?”

“
Nothing!” As he approached her again, he kept his eyes peeled for the bee. He didn't like things that buzzed. Or slithered. “I just got... a tad overzealous. Your beauty makes me frantic!”

“
Are you really a prince?” She raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“
Yes! Of course! Would anyone but a prince dress as nicely as this?” He turned around so she could admire his attire. His tights, tunic, and cap were designed by his kingdom's top tailors. “Are you impressed?”

“
Um...”

“
Impressed by my princely status?”

“
I guess. Kind of.”

“
Do you think I'm handsome?”

Snow White stared at him for several seconds, squinting her eyes as she scrutinized him. She had to admit, he was probably as classically handsome as a man could be, with his chiseled cheekbones, square jaw, and glistening blonde hair. Even his eyebrows were perfection. “I guess you're handsome,” she finally admitted.

“
Would you like me to sing for you?” Charmaine asked. “I can sing if you want me to. Every besotted gentleman should serenade his lady!”

“
You can if you want.”

So Charmaine cleared his throat.

“
Beeeeooooootiful Snow Whiiiiiite... makes me hiiiiigher than a kiiiite! I want to touch her haaaair! She has me quite ensnaaaared!”

He was a truly terrible singer, and his lyrics were quite possibly the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. Nevertheless, Snow politely clapped her hands for him.

“
Her skiiin is like an angel's skin! Her heart I hooope to someday win!”

“
Thank you, Prince Charmaine,” she praised him. “That was lovely.”

“
Really?” He knelt on the ground beside her and grabbed her hand. “You really liked it?”

“
I did!” she lied. “It was very nice. I've never been serenaded before.”

“
I'll serenade you every day, if you'd like!”

“
I--”

“
Would you like that, my beautiful darling?”

“
Y-yes. Yes, I would.” She didn't want to hurt his feelings.

“
Wonderful!” Charmaine leapt to his feet and hoisted her from the ground. “So you'll permit me to call on you again?”

“
Call... on me?”

“
Yes! Like a suitor!” Charmaine lowered his voice and leaned toward her. “Or better yet... your boyfriend?”

“
Oh!” Snow's hands flew to her cheeks, which were burning hot. His relentless flirtation was making her blush. “I-I-I've never had a boyfriend before.”

“
Do you
want
a boyfriend?”

“
Of course!” Snow exclaimed. “I think every girl wants a boyfriend.”

His eyes lit up. This was almost too easy! “So you'll be my girlfriend?”

“
I guess so.”

Charmaine flung his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. “Ahhhh! You have no idea how wonderful that makes me feel! I must be the luckiest man in the world right now!” He tilted his head closer to her. “And I would be even luckier... if you would kiss me.”

“
Kiss you?” Her legs were almost crumbling from beneath her. Snow White had never kissed a man before, but it was an appealing prospect. In particular, kissing Prince Charmaine sounded quite appealing. He was, after all, arrestingly handsome—even if he was a bit vapid. And vain.

“
I want to kiss you,” Charmaine purred into her ear. “Please, please,
please
let me kiss you!”

“
Okay.”

“
You want to kiss me?”

Snow White gave a slight nod. “I do.”

Prince Charmaine's entire body was trembling in anticipation of their kiss. Snow White's heart was pounding against her chest, and her hands were moist with sweat. He took her in his arms, leaned forward, and brushed his mouth across hers.

She relaxed in his arms, so he deepened their kiss. His lips devoured her. His hands drifted downward, landing on her round, supple bottom.

“
Ahem.”

Someone was behind him! Their kiss ended immediately, and Charmaine turned around.

As soon as he did, a tiny man punched him in the crotch.

II

Charmaine gripped his groin and sunk to his knees. Unfortunately, that meant he was eye-level with the little man, whose second blow landed on Charmaine's nose.

Charmaine slumped over, thoroughly defeated.

“
Oh no! Charmaine!” Snow fell to the ground beside him and cradled his head in her arms. Her affection was almost worth the pain, Charmaine thought.

“
Uhhhhhhhhhhhgggg waaa haa haaa!” Charmaine whimpered.

“
Poor Charmaine!” Snow started caressing his hair, and he thought it was the nicest feeling in the world. Charmaine wondered if he should whine some more. The more sympathy he got, the better. “Bones, how could you?!”

So
this
was Bones? Charmaine opened one eye and stared at the little man called Bones. His name was almost ironic. Bones was a short man, but he had arms the size of tree trunks. And he was currently cracking his knuckles, so Charmaine hid behind Snow White.

“
Don't let him hurt me!” Charmaine cried.

“
Bones!” Snow exclaimed. “Apologize!”

“
I ain't apologizin'!” Bones exclaimed. “Ain't no way I'm apologizing to a man who touches my little girl like that! No sirree!”