Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (4 page)

I have daydreams in which I go into her apartrnenl with a sledgehammer and start destroying things, furniture, records, windows. I can virtually hear the glass breaking.... These fantasies have a way of calming ine down, even if I know I will never carry them out.

Does that seem like an appropriate response? What if the other woman were not her best friend? What if she knew that her husband left her because of that "best friend"? And what if, instead of imagining the sledgehammer destruction, she were actually to do it?

The more a response seems (in Freud's words) to "derive from the actual situation" and be "proportionate to the real circumstances;" the more "normal" it is (Freud, 1922/1955). Freud, and modern-day psychologists, differentiate "normal" from "delusional" jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the relationship, while delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of real or probable threat. The husband who suspects and spies on his wife, despite her faithfulness and devotion to him, presents a good example of delusional jealousy.

Why would someone "choose" to suffer the incredible pains Of delusional jealousy if there is no basis for it in reality? One explanation is that through jealousy the person is trying to overcome an unresolved childhood trauma of betrayal. Another explanation focuses on couples' interactions that help maintain such a jealousy problem. A third explanation views the roots of the jealousy problem in behaviors that were learned earlier in life and that persist even when no longer appropriate. An additional explanation, which will not be discussed in this book, emphasizes the role of different organic, neurological, and physical disorders.8

In addition to the distinction between a real and imagined threat, another distinction can be made between a "normal" (which is to say, appropriate) and an "abnormal" (meaning inappropriate, "pathological," "morbid;") response to a jealousy trigger.9

Instead of the negative and judgmental connotation implied in the ordinary usage of' the word "abnormal" (that is, crazy, pathological, sick), it is more useful to think of "normal" as a statistical term that describes what is typical or average. People experience as broad a range of jealous responses as the range of different physical and emotional characteristics they possess. The vast majority fall in the middle range and are thus defined as normal. A small minority fall in the lowest part of the scale and are defined as abnormally low. A similar minority fall in the highest part of the scale and are defined as abnormally high.10

If' we were to consider such a thing as height, for example, most people are of "normal" height, a small percentage are "abnormally" short, and a similar minority are "abnormally" tall. Abnormal in this case does not mean crazy or sick; it simply means the lowest and highest ends of the scale.

The same thing that can be said about height, weight, strength, or beauty can be said about jealousy. The majority of people are in the middle (that is, the "normal") range of the jealousy scale. The few that arc at the highest end of the scale, who see a threat even when none exists, arc "abnormally" jealous; the few in the lowest part of the scale, who don't see it threat even when it's obviously there, are "abnormally nonjealous"

This point is more than a mere semantic distinction. All too often, people who experience jealousy are so shaken by the intensity of their emotions and the things they find themselves doing or wishing they could do-such as spying on an ex-lover or day-dreaming about destroying a house with a sledgehammer-that they jump to the conclusion "I must be crazy!" This kind of a conclusion is not very useful and is also very likely incorrect. Most "normal" people experience intense jealousy when a valued relationship is threatened.

Actually, from the description of the way jealousy is expressed and treated in different cultures, one may conclude that "normal" is simply that which is considered an appropriate response in a particular culture." No matter how abnormal a certain response to jealousy may seem, chances are that it is (or was) considered normal somewhere.

This is not to say that there aren't cases of abnormal jealousy, which is to say, pathological, delusional, morbid. There are, but they are few and the exception. We hear so much about them precisely because they are truly outside the "normal" range and are therefore particularly fascinating both to the lay person and to the professional. 22

Most abnormal cases of jealousy have one or both of the following features: (1) they are not related to a real threat to a valued relationship, but to some inner trigger of the jealous individual, and (2) the jealous response is excessive, dramatic, exaggerated, or violent. This may be a good place to introduce the distinction between chronic and acute jealousy.

Chronic and Acute Jealousy

Acute jealousy happens to people who never thought they were jealous when they discover that their partner has been unfaithful. While their reaction is a response to a real event, it is often excessive, dramatic, exaggerated, and experienced by them as abnormal. Indeed, it has been suggested by several writers (e.g. Glass & Wright, 1997; Lusterman, 1995) that the symptoms of ►nany betrayed spouses are strikingly similar to the posttraumatic stress reactions of the victims of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. The symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) cluster into three categories: intrusion, which involves recounting and reexperiencing the trauma (e.g. traumatic images of the moment of the discovery, obsessive ruminating, flashbacks); constriction, which is evidenced by avoidance and numbing behaviors (e.g. loss of interest in other people and the outside world); and I►yperarousal, which is characterized by physiologic arousal and extreme hypervigilance (e.g. insomnia, irritability, startle responses) (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).

While the outside manifestations of acute and chronic jealousy may be similar, the cause of the jealous response and its duration are very different. In the case of acute jealousy, the response is extreme, but it is temporary and to a specific event. In the case of chronic jealousy, the individual indicates a predisposition to jealousy that is related to childhood experiences and low self-confidence. This person is likely to experience jealousy even in situations where most people will not perceive a threat.

I would also like to note that some social scientists reject altogether the notion of abnormal jealousy as it applies to the individual. They believe that what is normal or abnormal is defined by the culture and that the individual has little to do with it.

For those who are concerned about whether someone is "abnormally jealous," chapter two and The Ronrmrtic Jealousy Questionnaire (see Appendix B) may prove helpful. In the latter readers are presented with a series of questions aimed at helping them diagnose their jealousy. Filling out the questionnaire may be interesting even for people who don't have a jealousy problem. It may make reading the rest of the book, and especially the following chapter, more personally relevant.

After discussing some of the extreme forms that jealousy takes as, in Shakespeare's words, "the green-eyed monster," we can move on to a discussion of jealousy as the shadow of love.

Romantic Jealousy as the Shadow of Love

Whatever it is that draws two people to each other will shape the jealousy they may experience. One way to demonstrate this is with the help of an exercise. The exercise is especially recommended for people who suffer from a jealousy problem and for therapists working with such people.

Think back to the time you first met or got to know your mate, and try to recall as best you can the way you felt. What was it that most attracted you? What was it that made you think (right away, or at some point later) that this was the person with whom you wanted to share your life? What was the most important thing the relationship gave you? Was it a feeling of security? Of being respected and listened to? Of being desired or adored?

Now switch to the present, and consider the primary component of your jealousy, the most painful thoughts and feelings associated with your jealousy. Is it a fear of being abandoned? Is it humiliation and loss of face? Is it loss of self-esteem? Is it a rage at being lied to?

The third part of this exercise is the hardest, the most challenging, and the most significant. Think: Could there be some connection between the things That the relationship gave you initially and the primary components of your jealousy?

Why is it so important to note the connection between what attracted people to each other-the most valuable thing the relationship gave them initially-and the primary components of their jealousy? Because it proves that jealousy is indeed the shadow of love. It also serves as a reminder to people that they didn't just happen to be in their relationship. They chose to be in it. Something in themselves attracted them to their mate. And something in themselves makes them experience jealousy the way they do. That something is their romantic image.

Psychologists have invested a,great deal of effort in studying who falls in love with whom.' They discovered similarities among couples across a wide range of variables, including personality characteristics, intelligence, values, family background, education, income and social status, sex of siblings, attitude toward parents and happiness of parents' marriage, religious affiliation, tendency to be a "lone wolf" or socially gregarious, preference to "stay at home" or be "on the go," drinking and smoking habits, number of friends, physical attractiveness and various other physical attributes, mental health, and psychological maturity.

Even when two people are similar in several of the traits mentioned in the list, they probably still feel that these were not the "real" reasons they fell in love with each other. Yet, after they made their romantic choice, these were the things that told them that their choice was right. The romantic choice itself-the spark the two people felt-was based on their internalized romantic image.14

The Romantic Image

People develop their romantic images very early in life, based on powerful childhood experiences. Parents influence the development of these romantic images in two primary ways: (1) by the way they express, or don't express, love toward the child, and (2) by the way they express, or don't express, love toward each other. One way to discover the romantic image is with the help of the following exercise.

Think back to the earliest time in your life you can remember. (It maybe helpful to think about a house you lived in, a place you liked to play, or a particular event that sticks in your memory.) Who took care of you? Who taught you the meaning of love? Was it your mother? your father? an older sibling? a grandparent? Who else was important to you as a child? Try to recall as much as you can about these people-not the way they are now, but the way you experienced them in your childhood. What were their most important traits, both good and bad? What was the most notable characteristic of their relationship with each other? What was the most important thing they gave you? What was the thing you most wanted but didn't get? Were they unfaithful to each other? Were they jealous?

The positive and negative features of the people who raisecl us are the building blocks of our romantic images. But while our romantic image is influenced by our mother, our father, and other people who reared us, there is an important difference between their negative and positive traits. The negative traits tend to have more influence on our romantic image. The reason for this is not, as one psychologist has suggested, that people tend to marry their worst nightmare, but that people seek in the beloved what they did not get from their parents (Bergman, 1995). If a girl's father was unfaithful to her mother, his unfaithfulness will become an important component of the girl's romantic image. If a boy's mother had Irecluent fits of jealousy, this will become an important component of his romantic image.

As adults, people look for someone who his their romantic image in a significant way. When they meet such a person, they project their internalized image onto him or her. This is why, when they fall in love, they say such things as: "I feel as if I've known you all my life." This is also why they are so often surprised after the infatuation is over. It's as if they didn't see the person, only the projection of their own romantic image.

The person who fits an individual's romantic image is also the person who is best able to help them work through their childhood traumas. For example, although it would seem to make sense for the woman whose father was unfaithful to look for a man who is sure to be faithful, this is not what usually happens. In fact, a woman like this most often falls in love with playboys just like her father-not because she needs to repeat her childhood trauma, but because only a man who resembles her father can give her what she didn't get from her father. The paradox is that she marries such a man because he resembles her father, yet what she wants most desperately is for him not to behave the way her father did. She wants him-a sexy, flirtatious man with women always flocking around him-to be a faithful husband and give her the security she didn't get as it child. Even if this does not happen, by repeating her childhood trauma as an adult, with some measure of control over her life, she can-and often does-achieve some healing.

The effects of a romantic image are not always that direct and straightforward. A boy who was a witness to his mother's unfaithfulness may choose to marry a woman whose most redeeming quality is her faithfulness. Ilow will he then be able to "work" on his childhood trauma? By suspecting his faithful wife of infidelity. The repeated proof of her innocence helps heal his wound. It shows that, unlike his father, he is the one and only for his wife.