Rory's Proposal (4 page)

I grab a bundle of towels and throw the letter into my handbag.

‘Can you wash her hair please Ryan?’ I call back.

‘I’m in the middle of Mrs Willis’s colour. I’ve one pair of hands love; God gave me only one pair of everything.’

‘Okay, give me a sec. Sandy make the clients tea please.’

‘I already have.’

I sigh and pull my mobile from my bag and phone my mother and get the call waiting service that she insists on having.

‘
The person you are calling knows you are waiting.’

If she knows I am waiting why doesn’t she answer? I redial only to get the thing again. Why is my mother always on the phone? More importantly, why is she always on the phone when I need her? I hang up and am about to go into the salon when my phone rings.

‘I just did 1-4-7-1 dear, did you call me?’

Obviously.

‘Is Dad there?’ I say.

‘He’s gone. I did try to phone you earlier but I just got your voicemail.’

Gone, what does she mean Dad’s gone? Does she mean Dad’s gone as in … Oh my God, it really is one of those Boomtown Rats Mondays isn’t it?

‘What do you mean
gone
?’ I say with my heart jumping into my mouth. He hasn’t finally left her has he? ‘He’s okay isn’t he?’

‘Of course he’s okay. He’s gone to Birmingham for the golf festival. Is Luke going to the tournament in Dublin?’

‘I think so,’ I say absently.

‘Perm waiting,’ Ryan taps on the
door. ‘You do want to keep your clients, don’t you love? The salon hasn’t gone yet.’

‘I’m coming, I’m coming,’ I whisper.

‘Not literally I hope darling.’

‘Rory’s Supermarkets want my salon. I’m going to need a solicitor,’ I say into the phone.

‘Oh really dear, let me
tell Maud.’

‘What does Maud know? She spends her whole life in some doddery old home. She never goes anywhere apart from her knitting group. I suppose they’re the hive of all knowledge are they?’ I say irritably.

‘I’ll just turn off the hands-free shall I?’

Shit.

‘Luke’s a solicitor,’ she says, like I don’t know.

‘But he’s not interested in the salon. Can you ask Dad to call me when he gets back? He’s the best solicitor I know.’

‘Okay dear. But I think they’ll make a good offer. You may get a few surprises,’ she says.

‘What kind of surprises?’ I ask suspiciously.

‘I’d better go, Aunt Maud isn’t safe on her own with knitting needles.’

I hang up, take two painkillers from my handbag and sigh. It can’t get any worse can it? But then again in my case maybe it can.

I push my way through the throng of people in the wine bar all enjoying an after work drink, and look for Devon. It’s not a bar we frequent often and all the women look very young, or maybe I’m getting old. After all I’ll be thirty in a few weeks. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it but how can I not think about it? I weave my way to the bar where I spot Devon nursing a white wine spritzer. She flashes a bright smile on seeing me.

‘I don’t believe it,’ she says, kissing me on the cheek. ‘Have you spoken to the people at Rory’s and what does Luke say?’

I order a large white wine and sigh.

‘He says it’s probably a good thing,’ I say, pulling Rory’s letter from my handbag and handing it to her. ‘That I don’t make that much money from the salon anyway, but we only discussed it on the phone. Someone from Rory’s is coming on Wednesday. I really don’t believe this is happening.’

‘What sly buggers,’ she says scanning the letter. ‘But …’ she ominously holds up a finger. ‘Maybe this is the time.’ She lifts a bag that sits by her feet.

‘The time?’ I ask, trying to avoid the eyes of a man who is winking at me from the other side of the bar.

‘You know, to get engaged, and start planning your wedding.’

‘Yes, well Luke has to propose doesn’t he?’ I say, popping some peanuts into my mouth while hearing Luke’s voice echo in my head:
never eat peanuts while drinking it’s the quickest way to get drunk
.

‘I got you some things, they were in the sale. Tonight could be the night.’

‘Sure could be doll if you play your cards right,’ says a voice behind us.

‘Pillock,’ mumbles Devon flashing her engagement ring for all she’s worth. I’d flash mine if I had one. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it but how can I not think about it? I look up to meet the eyes of the winking man and find myself hoping he doesn’t
flash
anything sometime soon.

‘Hey gorgeous,
do you fancy a good time?’ he says, smiling at me in what I presume is a sexy manner, shame about the body odour and the pimple on the chin though.

‘Sorry but I don’t date outside my own species,’ I say sweetly.

‘Nice one,’ congratulates Devon.

‘Bitch,’ he mumbles before wandering off.

Devon
pushes the bag towards me
.

‘Ann Summers,’ she whispers.

‘Oh God, you are joking. You are bloody joking aren’t you? You know what a prude Luke is,’ I say pushing it back.

She sighs.

‘Don’t you think it’s time to inject something into your relationship?’

‘Yes, like a high dose of Viagra. Is that in the bag? Frankly that’s what he needs. A good shot in the bum.’

She gestures to the bartender.

‘Jesus, the bartender has Viagra?’ I gasp.

‘No. I want another white wine spritzer you silly mare, and if you ask me it’s a shot of chill out meds he needs. Have a look,’ she says excitedly.

I open the bag and pull out a silky red basque that has holes for nipples.

‘Isn’t it gorgeous? And it pops open here at the crotch. And there’s a flogger too. Mark and I have one …’

‘Too much information Devon,’ I say fingering the flogger. ‘I’m sure you and Mark have a fab time,’ I say, trying not to sound too envious. ‘But I really don’t want to hear about it. Jealousy is a terrible thing.’

She laughs.

‘Give it a go and let me know. Go home shave your legs, light a Jo Malone candle …’

I wrinkle my nose.

‘Okay, some tea lights, open some champagne, put on some Michael Bublé …’

I pull a face.

‘I thought I was supposed to be having a good time.’

‘Okay, whatever music turns you both on. Lay there sexily. You know,’ she says draping herself seductively across the seats in a demonstration. ‘And give him the best sex of his life.’

‘I actually think I do give him the best sex of his life. I wouldn’t mind a bit of the best sex of
my
life,’ I say doubtfully.

‘But that’s the time to get him to propose. At the height of his, you know …’

I raise my eyebrows.

‘I’ll have to be quick,’ I say.

‘While you’re lying there wantonly, hint about giving up the salon and how Luke is all you need. Big masterful Luke with his …’

‘Yes, I get the picture Devon.’

‘What I’m saying is you don’t have to wait until he …’

‘I never have to wait Devon.’

‘Honestly, they’ll say yes to anything in heightened moments of passion.’

I knock back my drink and consider Devon’s idea.

‘Okay,’ I say thoughtfully. ‘He is at the gym tonight, let’s just hope he doesn’t put his shoulder out again or I’ll be spending the evening rubbing Biofreeze into his aching muscles.’

‘I love it when Mark comes home all sweaty and …’

‘Yes right. Okay, tea lights, basque, flogger, and organic champagne if that even exists,’ I say standing up.

‘Good luck,’ she winks.

I check my BlackBerry. Just enough time to pop to the off-licence. I kiss her on the cheek.

‘Right, I’m off to have the best sex of my life.’

Somehow with Luke I don’t see that being a reality.

Back home following a short shopping trip and I have tea lights lighting a trail to the bedroom. I’ve showered, douched and lightly covered myself with Womanity lotion. The hairy legs had to stay unfortunately. There just wasn’t time. I’m hoping Luke won’t notice. It’s only about a millimetre of hair anyway. Not that I measured it or anything but I don’t think men really notice the length of the hair on your legs when they’re about to have sex with you do they? Anyway, the lighting is so dim I’ll be surprised if he even sees
me.
If I’m not careful he’ll end up fucking the gigantic teddy bear on our bed. Luke won it at some stupid golf charity ball and seems to think I love it. Personally, I think two’s company and three’s a crowd. I’ve draped my silk robe over the basque, turned the duvet back and opened a bottle of sparkling wine and placed two glasses on the bedside cabinet. I chose some soft background music and now wait patiently for Luke to come home. I’ve hidden the flogger under the bed for when things hot up. When I hear the key in the lock I place myself in the sexual pose I had been practising.

‘In the bedroom,’ I call.

‘What?’ he replies. There is a
crash followed by a groan.

‘Shit. Have we had a power cut? Have you checked the trip switch?’

I fight back a sigh and lean against the bedroom door in my best Mae West imitation.

‘Have you blown something?’ he asks.

‘Not yet,’ I say seductively. ‘But there’s still time,’ I add pouting.

He looks at me.

‘Is it an anniversary? Have I forgotten something?’ he asks, tripping over his gym bag as he stumbles towards me.

‘Can’t I be romantic without it having to be an anniversary?’ I say sexily, leaning a bit too far forward, except I haven’t got my contact lenses in and he catches me as I veer to the left. He kisses me softly and I part the robe revealing the basque. He breathes in sharply.

‘Christ Flo, where did you get that?’ he says huskily, his fingers gently playing with my nipples.

‘You like it?’ I ask, grabbing him before he has time to remove his jacket.

We stumble awkwardly and fall on
the bed, narrowly missing the bedside cabinet. He pushes me down and shoves one hand under the basque and un-pops the button. I fumble to reach the flogger but he is already pulling at his trousers.

‘Do you need the K-Y?’ he whispers, trailing kisses down my neck.

‘If we take just a bit longer,’ I say softly. ‘We may not need it. You can flog me if you like. You can be my master.’

I pull the flogger out from under the bed. He stares at it in horror. I feel my initial excitement flag.

‘You want me to abuse you,’ he states flatly, not taking his eyes off the flogger.

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.
Yes
doesn’t seem quite the right answer to that does it? I hadn’t exactly envisioned panting, ‘Oh abuse me master, abuse me,’ as such. I was thinking more along the lines of ‘Oh yes, master punish me, punish your naughty slave.’

Well, you get my drift don’t you? I lower the flogger as somehow holding it up seems rather aggressive.

‘Well no, not abuse me as such, obviously. Just spank me, you know …’

It’s just sounding worse isn’t it? It’s only an Ann Summers flogger for goodness sake, not a horsewhip.

‘Abuse you?’ he says flatly.

‘Well …’

I suppose if you put it like that.

‘That Fifteen Shades of Grey has a lot to answer for,’ he snaps.

‘Fifty,’ I correct.

‘What?’

‘It’s
Fifty Shades of Grey
, and Mark and Devon do it?’ I say defensively, feeling tears prick my eyelids. I only wanted to make it sexy.

‘I don’t care if he handcuffs her and they do it from their kitchen rafters.’

Ooh that sounds like fun.

‘Anyway what they do isn’t our business,’ he says sharply, taking the flogger from my hand and stroking my arm.

‘Besides we don’t need sex toys do we?’ he whispers.

Not much.

I put my arms around him and kiss his earlobes. He shudders and strokes my thighs.

‘Let’s have some wine,’ I say. ‘It’s organic.’

‘Not before sleeping,’ he whispers, ‘and you’ve already been drinking.’

He sure knows how to dry up my juices doesn’t he?

‘I’ll make us some Redbush
tea after,’ he whispers.

I feel a K-Y Jelly moment coming on.

‘I need the …’ I mumble.

‘Okay, quickly,’ he groans, ‘I can’t wait much longer.’

I fumble in the bedside cabinet, throwing out undies, bras, vibrator, batteries, Ralgex and socks until my hands fall on the blue tube. He sighs heavily.

‘I wish you’d be more organised,’ he mumbles.

I wish you’d be a bit slower I think, but don’t say.

‘I’ve got it.’

I squeeze some onto my hand and gently stroke it onto his penis. He groans and pushes me back.

‘Christ that’s cold,’ he mumbles.

I wrap my arms around him and moan gently as I feel him begin to enter me and then suddenly he groans loudly and I feel his once nice firm erection quickly dissipate to a shrivelled sausage. Not already? We’ll be in the
Guinness Book of Records
next.

‘Jesus, for the love of God, what the hell did you put on my cock? It’s sodding freezing.’

I fumble for my glasses and grab the tube. Oh no. I wince. How do I tell him I’ve just Biofreezed his cock? Well, it’s not my fault the tubes are the same colour is it?

‘Biofreeze,’ I say. ‘I put Biofreeze on your penis.’

Oh well, that was easy enough to say wasn’t it?

‘What, Jesus Christ, what were you trying to do, cauterise it?’

‘I rather think it needs more than Biofreeze to do that,’ I say irritably.

‘Jesus Christ Flo, is this your way of getting at me because I wouldn’t use that damn flogger?’

‘I didn’t do it on purpose. I thought it was K-Y Jelly.’

‘I hate that you’re blind as a bat,’ he says hurtfully.

He jumps up and rushes to the bathroom, scattering tea lights as he goes. I feel my vagina tingle. It feels quite nice actually, still best not to mention using Biofreeze in the future. I blow out the candles and
listen to Luke’s groaning.

‘Christ, hot water is making it even worse. I’ll probably never have children now.’

That makes two of us then. I throw back the duvet and slide into bed, the cool sheets making me shiver. Luke finally returns from the bathroom, holding onto his penis as though it may drop off any minute.