Authors: Ashlynn Pearce
He downed it.
The burn did nothing for the panic he felt. He downed another shot, but it stuck in his throat as he tried to imagine his life without her. He couldn’t. It was like someone thrust a serrated knife in his heart and was slowly twisting. The pain more agonizing than any beating he had received. Why? Why did he feel like this?
Because I love her.
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The thought came unbidden and unwanted, but it hit him all the same. Like a bolt of lightning it shocked him to the core. He knew he couldn’t deny it, even though he wanted to. Even though she deserved better. He knew the truth. It was glaringly obvious after his fourth shot.
“Jake?”
Her soft voice shot through him and he jerked, the shot glass slipping from his hand and shattering on the floor. He stared at her, drinking her in. She exuded a sweet innocence he had never had. Something he craved. Something he wanted with every fiber of his being. He leaned heavily against the counter, his knees threatening to buckle. And it had nothing to do with the four shots of whiskey he’d consumed and everything to do with the tiny woman staring at him with worry and concern in her dark-chocolate eyes.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
No.
“Yes,” he forced himself to say. His hand shook as he shoved at his hair.
“No. You’re not okay. Don’t lie to me.” She took a step toward him and he held up his hand.
“Don’t.”
If she touched him he was terrified he would make a complete ass of himself and tell her he loved her. Because there was no way in hell she could love someone like him.
The concern he saw was just that. Concern. She cared about people and what happened to them and it certainly didn’t mean she was ready to spend the rest of her life with him.
Fuck.
Raking a hand over his face he stumbled out of the kitchen as far away from her as he could get. He somehow made his way into the garage and his first instinct was to have a fight with his punching bag. But he really didn’t have the energy. Hell, he could barely stand. So he sat limply on one of the barstools.
How long had he been careful to keep a distance between him and women? Years.
His entire fucking life.
All in vain.
All because of one little-bitty woman.
He would let her go, and she would go without realizing all he felt. No way was he telling her…he loved her. God, what a pathetic state to be in. He wouldn’t saddle her with his baggage and emotional instability. She deserved way better than that.
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“Jake. I don’t know what that was all about, but I’ll be fine,” she said as she stepped into his garage and flicked on the light.
He blinked, not even realizing he had been sitting there in the dark. He didn’t want to look at her, but like some kind of pull, he had no choice.
Then his doorbell rang. Thank God Tony was here.
* * * * *
He didn’t know how he got through the next few hours. He watched the race, ate pizza and for the most part kept himself together, but he couldn’t remember anything he said. It was all hazy. One thought kept pounding in his head—he loved her. Like a jackhammer it wouldn’t let up and leave him in peace. After Tony left, he went directly into his garage and pretended to be working on his bike. Anything to keep his hands busy.
He knew he was being an asshole. Every time she looked at him with that pained expression it cut him a little deeper. Ignoring her was not the answer, but hell if he knew what else to do. And maybe she would see what a jerk he was so when she left, she could move on with her life. And forget about him.
Great idea, except it left a gaping hole in his chest.
It was late when he finally gave up the fight and went into the house. He almost hoped she was in the guest room, but that was a lie.
The only place he wanted her was in his bed.
In his room.
In his life.
And there she was, curled up right where he wanted her. Her hair fanned out behind her, her hands tucked under a pillow, the sheet riding low on her waist. She wore a tank that clung to her every curve. Knowing this would be the last time he ever touched her, he dropped his clothes to the floor and slid in with her.
Becca felt hands slide against her skin and she arched.
“Jake,” she whispered.
His answer was to kiss her. So deeply, so tenderly, so unlike times before, she melted. His hands framed her face like she was some fragile doll as his lips teased hers and kissed along her jaw. He pulled back and she opened her eyes. He stared at her as his body shook. The darkness kept her from reading his eyes, but something was different. She could feel it with every caress.
He pulled off her shirt and his mouth latched onto a nipple. Alternating between a soft bite and lick, electric sensations shot straight to her sex. His fingers slipped into her panties and his thumb rode along her clit while his lips continued to torment her flesh.
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He brought her to the edge quickly but right before she exploded he pulled back.
She panted in frustration when he turned her to her stomach then pulled off her panties. But instead of driving into her like she wanted him too, his hands slid up her back to her neck.
Something
was
different.
She hadn’t imagined it. He left kisses down her spine, soft, light, his touch barely there. But it made her more aware of his every move and she writhed beneath him.
Coherent thought was difficult, but she had the vague impression he was memorizing her. When he kissed the backside of her knee, her fists clenched in the sheets.
Was he telling her goodbye?
Tears seeped from her eyes and she abruptly turned over to look at him.
“Jake?”
He stopped her words with a kiss that took over her senses in his strong and dominant way. But behind it all she felt his desperation. It only confirmed what she thought, but she was helpless against the waves of passion that consumed her.
“I want in you,” he breathed against her neck.
“Make love to me,” she begged him.
His body stiffened immediately.
“Please,” she said, choking on the word as tears clogged her throat.
“Oh hell, Bec.” His words were spoken as though resigned to his fate.
Then he was in her, moving in slow, measured strokes. Filling her, his body hovered over her as he pushed her deeper into the mattress. He slid a hand up under her thigh, arching her hips so he could move deeper.
She realized he was giving her everything he had, right here. All the feelings he couldn’t and wouldn’t voice were laid bare. The muscles in his shoulders and back tightened and released under her fingers as she clung to him. He was so intent. So focused on her.
She pulled his head down to kiss him as he moved faster. The tension built within her, coiling then exploding.
“Jake!” she said as she arched her head back, breaking the kiss.
He thrust two more times and his body hardened with his release, then he dropped his head to her shoulder. His arms tightened around her and she bit her lip to hold back a sob.
Holding him in her arms, she wondered if there was any way she could change his mind. Because she had no doubt that this was his goodbye. He was letting her go. And she would bet he would be cold and distant in the morning when he took her to the airport.
Well, she damn sure wasn’t giving up without a fight.
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* * * * *
They were leaving for the airport in about two hours and just as she’d predicted, he was cold, distant and saying only what was necessary.
“Do you plan on telling me goodbye or was last night it?” she asked finally. She was tired of the silence and she wasn’t going to dodge around the subject. She had done that enough in her life.
He actually looked surprised at her words, but just as quickly looked away, his dark brows furrowing over his eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”
She grabbed his remote and turned the television off. “Oh come on, Jake. Don’t give me this. I don’t play games. If you’ve got something on your mind then say it. You might think you’re doing a good job hiding it, but you’re not. This is it, isn’t it?” God her heart hurt just to say it.
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. “Yeah, this is it.”
“Why?”
“Because this isn’t working.”
“Really? Why isn’t this working? Because you don’t want it to? Or because you’re too scared to live?”
His head snapped up and he stared hard at her. “Don’t assume things you don’t understand.”
“Oh, I’m not assuming. I understand perfectly. You think by pushing me away you’re safe. But you’re not. By pushing me away, you’re not living. You’re existing.”
He jumped to his feet and paced behind the couch. “I live just fine. Don’t pass judgment on me. You don’t know me or what I’m capable of.”
“I’m not the one passing judgment on you. You are. You refuse to see yourself as you really are.”
“I see how I really am every day. Every damn day when I look in the mirror and see him. That worthless old man that spawned me.” Her heart jumped into her throat when his fist slammed into a wall. “To know I’m just like him. In every way.”
“Jake, you’re not like your father.” She shot to her feet and glared at him. “I would never love a man like that.”
He spun on his heel, shock on his face. He did a good job of replacing it with a sneer, but she saw the wonder in his eyes. If only briefly. “Don’t confuse lust with love, Becca.”
Pain sliced through her and it hurt more than when Nick had hit her. Barely keeping her tears in check she said, “I know the difference. And so do you.”
“I don’t know what love is. Lust and anger is all I feel. Is all I’ve felt. Don’t pin a fairy tale ending on me. It’s been fun, but that’s it.”
Taking a step back, her breathing became excruciating. Had she imagined everything? The brief glimpses of the man behind the façade. Was it all wishful 93
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thinking? His face was nothing but hard lines, his eyes devoid of any feeling. “You can’t mean that,” she said finally, her voice nothing but a squeak.
“Sorry to have disappointed you. I never hid what and who I am.” He held his arms out to the side and smirked in way that made her stomach sink. “I like women. For a while.”
It tore Jake apart to watch the tears stream down her shattered face. But what else could he do? He couldn’t believe she really loved him. She had to be confusing it with lust. If he knew anything, he knew he wasn’t worthy of her love anyway. Then she wrapped her arms about her shaking body and lifted her chin, that stubbornness in her something he always admired.
“Fine. But when you’re all alone in your bed, you will think of me. I promise you.
Take me to the airport now.”
The sting of her words slapped him. He knew the truth. There wouldn’t be a night he didn’t think of her. Or smell her on his sheets. Or imagine her soft smile from across a room. He had convinced her she was nothing but a fuck, but at what cost?
He nodded and reached down to get her bag.
“No. I can get it. I don’t need anything from you, except a ride.” She grabbed her bag and walked out his door.
He felt his shoulders slump. Then a thought entered his mind. What if Nick is waiting for her? He fumbled through locking his door as a cold sweat broke out over his skin.
The drive to the airport was made in dead silence. And she wouldn’t even look at him. Every now and then he would hear a faint sniffle, but when he looked at her, he didn’t see any tears. She sat, back ramrod straight, clutching a purse the size of her.
When he turned in to park, she said, “Don’t bother. I can catch the plane myself.”
From the set of her jaw, he didn’t bother arguing, but he wanted to pull her to him and tell her he’d lied. Just to see her smile at him one more time. But he pulled up to the airport drop-off and put the truck in park.
She finally looked him in the eyes. “I don’t believe you. I’m not just another girl to you. You love me. And one day Jake, you’re going to regret this. And when that day comes, I hope it’s not too late.”
He could only stare dumbfounded as she leaned across the seat and placed a light kiss on his cheek.
Then she was gone.
Along with his heart.
* * * * *
One Week Later…
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“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to kill yourself?” Tony yelled at Jake.
They had been riding at the dirt track at Tony’s parents’ house, and Tony had stopped hours ago. Heat exhaustion had finally stopped Jake. And he welcomed it.
Anything to get her out of his mind. But it was impossible.
She was everywhere.
In his bed, in his house, at his favorite hangout, on his bike—he couldn’t get away from her. Even drinking couldn’t banish her from his thoughts. Heaven knew he had been trying to drown himself since the moment he dropped her off at the airport.
Nothing helped.
And sitting on this hot slab of concrete with the water hose over his head, she was there. He could remember her laugh when he sprayed her down and the way she had wrapped her arms about his waist with that soft smile lingering on her lips. The smile that was reserved for only him.
“Dammit are you listening to me?”
He lifted his head and squinted at Tony. Had he been talking?
“What?”
Tony hit him square in the jaw, knocking him over. Blinking, he glared at his friend.
“What the hell was that for?”
“To knock some sense into you,” Tony muttered then hit him again.
He shook his head, trying to clear the stars he was seeing. “Fuck you. Leave me alone.”
“Tell you what. Fine. You can wallow, I’ll go see her. I bet she’s lonely by now.”
Jake snapped to attention. “What? Who?”
Tony shrugged as he walked off. “Becca. Girls around here are getting pretty lame.
Is she a good lay?” he asked as he glanced over his shoulder.