Ruby's Fantasy (13 page)

He held her tight as she came, one hand on her breast and the other lightly stroking her clit, pressing her against the wall, restricting her movement as he thrust deeply. Soon, he followed her with a deep growl, crushing her against the wall with his big body. Finally, he released her, kissing the back of her neck as he did so.

Ruby fought to catch her breath. The shower seemed too small with both of them in it. A flash of unease filled her mind.
Darkness.
A memory from her past that she couldn't quite grasp. The bathroom was chock-full of steam and there didn't seem to be enough air in the shower. Suddenly, she couldn't bear it. She pushed past Jake, opened the door, stepped out and grabbed a towel while taking in deep gasps. Her legs were rubbery from the sex and she needed to sit.

‘You okay, Ruby?'

‘Need air.' The orgasm had been intense but it was more than that.
Darkness. Tight throat. Screaming.
She staggered towards the light switch and turned it on, flooding the bathroom. Black spots swam in front of her eyes.

‘Ruby?' Jake turned off the shower, grabbed his towel, wrapped it around his hips and followed her out.

Air. How to get air.
With shaking hands, she tried to unlatch the window, but it was jammed tight.

‘Here. Let me.' Jake leant over her, yanked the latch and thumped on the wooden frame, trying to open it for her.

Something about the image of his hand slamming against the wood made her jump. His body pressed against hers, pushing her against the wall as he forced the window open.
Trapped. Squashed.

‘No!' She shoved past him, staggering out of the bathroom towards the bed.
Throat tight. Vision tunnelling.

‘What's the matter? What is it?' Jake cried, following her out.

‘Can't breathe.' Her head swirled and she staggered over to the bed and flopped on it.

Jake strode past her and opened the window in the bedroom so that the warm, summer breeze entered the room. ‘I'm going to tuck some pillows under your feet to get blood to your face. It will stop you feeling faint.'

‘Don't touch me,' she gasped, trying to suck in oxygen. This gorgeous, handsome man with his ripped body would think she was crazy, but she couldn't control the panic that raged through her.

Jake frowned and stood close by watching her, his muscles bunched ready to act.

Too close. Stand back.

Seized with anxiety, she couldn't even voice the words. Her hair was wet and she was making the pillow damp. What was going on? The sex had been terrific. Jake was sweet to her. So why did she feel suffocated?
Heart racing. Skin prickling. Throat parched.

Jake strode out of the room, returning moments later with a chilled glass of water as if he could read her mind. ‘Drink, Ruby.'

She took the glass of water and gulped it down.

‘Better?'

‘My heart's hammering,' she said, placing a hand on her chest.

‘You're having a panic attack. You're safe. You're with me. I won't let anything happen to you.' His voice was calm and even, his tone low as if talking to a frightened animal.

Her whole body started to shake.

‘Breathe, Ruby. Take long, slow breaths. Count for two going in. Count to four going out.' He took her hand. ‘Copy me.'

She gripped his hand, her knuckles white while she tried to force her breathing to slow from its gasping pace. Anything to make the horrible sense of fear go away. Why was this happening? One moment she'd been making love, savouring the way Jake introduced her to new sensations and now this. A horrible tight feeling like a hand squeezing her heart.

Jake kept talking to her, his voice calm and reassuring until the hideous hammering in her chest slowed. ‘Keep copying me. Nice slow breaths. No one can hurt you while I'm here to protect you. You're safe. You're cared for.'

She closed her eyes and focused on the sound of his breath. After what seemed like ages to her, her heart slowed and the choking sensation lessened. She opened her eyes to see his concerned face staring at her. ‘Frightened.' She coughed, her throat parched. ‘Can I have another glass of water?'

‘Sure.' He picked up the glass, walked to the kitchen and she heard him turning on the tap. When he returned he handed it to her. ‘It's cold. Just drink it down slowly.' He unravelled the towel from his hips and finished drying himself before hanging it on the back of the door. She noticed he didn't take his eyes off her as if he were ready to rush in if she needed him.

Ruby shifted, pushing herself to a sitting position watching the fluid way he moved even though he was a big, strong man. ‘Sorry.'

‘Don't be. Believe me, I've seen far worse reactions to stress on the battlefield.' He strode to his wardrobe, pulled out a pair of clean boxer shorts and cargo pants.

‘I couldn't breathe in the bathroom with you there. It's small. My head started to swim. I thought I was suffocating.' The words spilled out of her lips before she had time to consider the repercussions.

He gave her a penetrating stare as he dressed. His body was perfectly formed, his butt tight, his legs long and strong. ‘You were attacked last night. This is the kick back hitting you.'

‘I'm used to my freedom. I like being able to come and go as I please and now I feel I'm being locked up.' A wave of misery welled up inside her and she thought she was going to cry.

Concern flickered across his face. He walked over, unravelled her towel, which was wrapped around her body and dabbed at the water running from her hair down her face. ‘It's okay to lose it. You have a lot going on.'

She shook her head. ‘This has never happened to me before.'

‘It's the tension of what you're dealing with. The not knowing whether you're going to be attacked again. In the army, some guys couldn't handle it.' He wiped the towel around her face as gently as drying a baby.

‘Have you ever had a panic attack?'

‘No, but I got used to dealing with them. I saw grown men shaking, unable to move.' He rubbed the towel slowly along her arms and over her breasts so that her nipples peaked.

‘How do you keep it together? Doesn't anything scare you?'

‘The thought of losing you scares me. I'd prefer it if you'd shut up the shop. Go back home where you're safe even though it means I won't have you with me.' He bundled the towel and rubbed it back and forward over her sensitive lower parts.

‘I can't. You know I can't. I have to get to the bottom of this and I can't afford to walk out.'

‘I've got money, Ruby. If that's what you're worrying about. I'd be happy to look after you, pay your bills so you could have a break.'

‘No. Don't go there. I already owe you.'

He gave her a smile. ‘I thought you were going to say that.'

‘This situation is dangerous for you, too. What if this creep hurts you if you get in his way?'

Jake rubbed over her legs, took her foot in one hand and dried between her toes with the towel. ‘I hope he makes the mistake of coming in while I'm there. I'd enjoy it.'

‘Don't you suffer fear?' She watched as he dried her other foot, this big man tenderly caring for her as if she were precious to him.

‘Fear? No. Grief?' He shook his head. ‘I've seen men die. Men I cared about. I didn't know how to deal with it. Losing someone close was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Sometimes, it's good to cry. Let the tension out.'

‘I can't imagine you crying.'

He took her hands and dried them a finger at a time, tenderly running the towel over her hands. ‘I'm human. I've cried. When I went to boarding school at seven I cried for nights on end. Once in Afghanistan when I couldn't save someone.' His voice became quiet. Strained.

‘A woman?'

‘No. A man.'

‘Had you known him a long time?'

‘Yes. Turn over.' His face shuttered.

‘That must have been hard for you.'

‘Yeah.'

She didn't press, sensing from his clipped answers it was something he didn't want to talk about. Instead, she turned over giving in to the wonderful sensation of being cared for. She could feel wetness forming at the corner of her eyes and she quickly wiped it away. She tried not to cry in spite of Jake's words but her tears seemed to flow of their own accord.

‘I'm here. I'm not going to leave you.' He sat next to her and rubbed her back in firm round motions with the towel, before moving over her bottom and down her legs until she was dry. The sensation of Jake's gentle ministrations made the tightness in her aching shoulder muscles release.

‘Roll onto your side and lift up your arm. You're nearly done.'

She did as he asked and closed her eyes as he rubbed under one arm. The tension in her throat began to ease and she could feel her whole body relaxing. He moved her hair aside and dried behind her neck before bending and kissing the nape of her neck.

Ruby's eyes flicked open and she gulped. The tight sensation in her throat formed again. What was wrong with her? Was she going nuts? ‘Please, don't get too close. I need space.'

He frowned and his face tightened. ‘What's going on, Ruby?'

Ruby sat and wrapped her arms around herself. ‘You insist on watching me twenty-four seven and I know it's to keep me safe but I think that's why I feel trapped.'

Jake stood, took her towel and hung it on the back of the door. He walked to his wardrobe and pulled out a tee-shirt. ‘Here, put this on.'

His handsome face wore a strained look and his mouth clamped tight in a straight line.

‘This is coming out all wrong.' She had hurt him, stuck in a knife. How could she explain how crowded and confined she felt even when he was so good to her? Ruby sat and pulled the tee-shirt over her head. It came down to her bottom, covering her curves ending above her knees. It smelled of laundry soap and a hint of him.

He rubbed at his temple and studied her. ‘Is your panic attack really about us or something more?'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Panic attacks have triggers. You say you're feeling trapped. Have you felt like this before?'

Ruby tried to think. ‘When Mum left it was miserable. Emerald and I were twelve turning thirteen. We couldn't believe she'd walk out on us like that and leave us to deal with Dad and when we cried, he...' She clutched her head in her hands not wanting to think about it. The unhappiness made her heart hammer and she wanted to curl up in a little ball to forget the pain.

‘Talk to me, Ruby. Get it out.'

‘He would lock us in our bedroom if we asked him about Mum. We'd hammer on the door and beg for him to let us out.' She clutched her throat struggling to breathe.

He strode over and sat near her but not close enough to crowd her and rubbed her back in large, generous circles. ‘I'm sorry. I promise you. No one is going to hurt you again.'

Ruby rubbed the tears forming at her eyes away with a vicious motion. What good did crying do? ‘When I got older I started standing up to Dad when he was drunk. Mum had protected us before as best as she could. I guess she couldn't handle it anymore. We had to live at home because there was nowhere else to go. I swore to study hard and get out as soon as I could and I did.' She shivered and leant into him, needing his warmth and understanding.

He put his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. ‘It's good to talk, sweetheart.'

Jake was right, talking to him made a great weight lift off her chest. This time when she breathed in she smelled soap and him, a delicious combination. She put her arms around him and snuggled into him, but to her surprise, after a while he gently pushed her away. When she stared up into his eyes, she noticed the steely glint. ‘What is it?'

‘I've got some work I need to do but I'll be in the next room. Try and get some rest. Sleep is healing.' He stood and went to walk out of the room.

Why wasn't he coming to bed? Was he angry with her? ‘Jake, listen to me. I like you but it takes a long time for me to trust someone. It's only been two days.'

He stopped by the door and turned. ‘So you keep saying.'

‘I'm not trying to hurt you. You're a good man.'

A muscle ticked in his jaw. ‘When I get close you shut me out. We made love, Ruby. That meant something to me. I'm serious about you. It's like I've waited all my life to meet you. That's how special you are to me.'

‘It's happening too fast.'

Jake walked backed into the room, pulled over a bedroom chair, sat opposite her and took her hands. ‘You tell me it's the first time sex was really good for you, yet you don't seem to have any idea why that is.'

‘You're a generous lover.'

‘How about you trusted me enough to respond?' Frustration made his voice hoarse.

‘I...I've never thought about it like that.'

‘It's time you did.' His gaze searched her face.

She knew her lips were trembling. ‘I'm not good with trust. It makes me feel panicky.'

‘Try.' His muscles tensed in annoyance.

‘You don't get it, Jake. After what I've been through, I'm scared to let anyone close.'

‘You're safe with me. I'm going to keep saying it until it goes in your head.'

‘I know you're right. I know it, but I don't feel it.'

‘Dammit, Ruby, you're too scared to let yourself feel anything, yet you're so brave when it comes to dealing with Emerald's mess. It's time to let something good happen to you for a change. Sometimes I think the only time I can reach you is when I'm inside you. Quit shutting me out.'

‘I don't know how to. It's like if I let you close, something bad will happen...and I know that doesn't even make sense.' She pulled her hand from his and placed it over her mouth. She could feel her lips trembling under her hand.