Runaway Groom (26 page)

Will you come with me for moral support?

The memory of her face after he’d said
no
pierced him.
Shit.
He drained his glass quickly. Where were her former colleagues?

People are easily swayed
,
Ben.

Why weren’t her parents there with her?

Because
,
you dickhead
,
she’s protecting them from the publicity.

Guilt rammed him. She really was on her own. An overwhelming need to protect her slugged him. He should have gone with her. She’d asked him to so why hadn’t he?

Because she freaked you out by telling you she loved you.

He’d let fear make him act like a dickhead. He’d let kind, generous yet insecure Amy, who didn’t value herself enough to ask people for anything, face this mess on her own. He’d thrown her to the piranhas because he’d thought she wanted to use him. Because he was too scared to trust that she did love him.

I
love you.

Those three little words were so easy to say. They’d fallen so freely from Lexie’s lips. She’d said them to him over and over as if saying them could convince her they were true. And he knew on one level they had been true. He just wished he’d known about the other stuff.

Amy’s nothing like Lexie
.

Lexie, despite her confusion, hadn’t had any problems asking for what she wanted or making demands on him. Amy didn’t have any of that relationship confidence. Sure, she’d gained some in their time together but she still had trouble asking for what she wanted.

I
love you.

He choked on his breath.

She’d have known when she said those words that the chances of him rejecting her were high and yet she’d still done it. She’d been brave. She’d taken a huge emotional risk and he’d been so wrapped up in his own fears that he hadn’t believed her. He’d virtually called her a coward.

She really loved him and he’d let his fear get tangled up in the current chaos of her life.

The chaos of my life.

The lonely, miserable, screwed-up mess that was his life and the dispirited restlessness that had become its spine.

You were happy in Whitetail.

And how had that happened? He’d been stuck in a wedding town with an injured shoulder, unable to ride Red.

He thought about how he’d enjoyed tinkering in Al’s garage and spending time with Al and Ella, his doppelgänger parents. He’d loved the lake and the hiking.

With Amy.

Cooking in the fabulous kitchen.

With Amy
.

The sex with Amy. Happy? He thumbed his nose at the irritating voice in his head.

Making love to Amy.
Talking to Amy.
Laughing with Amy.
Caring for Amy.
Arguing with Amy.
Being frustrated by Amy.

He wanted to put his hands over his ears.

Loving Amy.

Every cell in his body froze and he tried desperately to argue the thought. He didn’t love her. He liked her but that wasn’t love.

She’s in your thoughts all of the time.
You miss her like you’d miss a limb.

He loved her. He truly loved her. “Fuck.”

“You okay, man?” the aging hippy at the next table asked.

“I’m an idiot.”

He nodded slowly. “Happens to us all, pal. Job, money or women?”

“Women. One in particular.”

He held up a shot glass. “I find tequila helps.”

And yesterday Ben might have convinced himself that tequila would help too. Hell, an hour ago even, but not now.

His general unhappiness, his restlessness and his discontent had stopped in Whitetail and it had started again the moment he’d left.

Because of Amy. Beautiful, generous, contrary, confused, complicated Amy.

And dickhead that he was, he hadn’t realized he’d fallen in love. He’d taken her freely-given love and thrown it back in her face with gratuitous advice—so easy to give rather than to take—and then abandoned her to cope alone with the biggest personal crisis of her life.

She had every right to hate his guts. He knew he did.

He had no clue how he was going to win her back, or convince her that he truly loved her. Given everything that had been said, he didn’t know how he could persuade her he was even worth taking a risk on, but one thing he knew for sure. This time he had something worth fighting for and by God, he was going to fight.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Amy spread out napkins and unpacked the Chinese takeout boxes onto her apartment’s coffee table, and then shoved serving spoons into them before pouring wine. “Thanks for being here.”

Her parents both gave her quiet smiles and accepted the proffered wineglasses. They’d been stoically supportive of her from the moment she’d called them from Whitetail. They’d met her in Chicago and had made sure she didn’t watch the news or read the newspapers. As they’d done their best to shield her from difficult people, not once had they asked her why she’d allowed herself to get into such a predicament.

“Thank goodness it’s over,” Todd said with a pained expression as he served himself some pot stickers. “This has to have been the worst week of your life.”

Amy thought about the afternoon three weeks ago when Ben had left her. She wanted to say,
I’ve had worse
but instead she said, “It’s up there for sure.”

They ate in silence because what was left to say? Jonathon had fought dirty just as she’d expected and even though she’d found the evidence that would convict him of theft from Kids Plus, she hadn’t avoided the spray of mud. And she hadn’t expected to. She’d been foolishly naive and now her colleagues, her parents, their friends, the community she’d grown up in and anyone watching the news knew it. Just like children never wanted to think about their parents having sex, she was certain parents didn’t want to imagine their adult children’s sex life, and hers had been “Live at Five.” Even if the sex with Jonathon had been amazing—and it had been so far removed from that it wasn’t even worth thinking about—it would never have been worth having if it meant her family would be faced with the details.

As for Ben, her parents seemed to have assumed that they’d parted as planned or maybe they hadn’t but with everything else going on they never asked. Amy could understand that. Why put your hand up to be told more stuff you didn’t want to know?

Her mother put down her empty plate, nudging it onto the crowded coffee table. “Amy, we’ve been worried about you for weeks. Why didn’t you tell us the moment you lost your job?”

Tell your parents.
How many times had Ben said that? She swallowed her dumpling. “I couldn’t.”

“But why?” Hurt and confusion filled her mother’s face. “It’s not like Daddy and I haven’t ever made mistakes.”

Tears pricked the backs of her eyes. “Yes, but as I was your big mistake I’ve pretty much spent my life trying not to make any.”

Lisa’s eyes widened in shock. “Amy Sagar, you are not one of our mistakes.”

She sighed. “Come on, Mom. You and Daddy didn’t exactly plan me and getting pregnant with me changed your lives. And don’t try and deny it,” she said as her mother opened her mouth. “You never started college and Daddy had to give it up. If you told me once you told me a hundred times between fourteen and twenty not to get pregnant but to get an education.”

Lisa looked stricken. “I’ve loved being a mom but we just wanted you and your sisters to have an easier life. It’s easier to study before you have children.”

Todd picked up Lisa’s hand. “Perhaps we overcompensated, Amy, but we love you and we just wanted the best for our smart girl.”

And there was the problem. She sucked in her lips to try to hold back her tears. “I know you did...do. Cindy was pretty, Heidi was pretty and athletic, Sally was pretty and devilish, and I was smart.”

“And pretty,” Todd said firmly. “All of my daughters are pretty.”

You’re beautiful
,
Amy.

She shook away Ben’s voice. He might think she was beautiful but he couldn’t love her. “I loved being the smart one. I don’t know, but I think when I brought home a report card full of As and you put it up on the fridge I wanted it to stay there. Somehow me getting the good grades got tangled up with me not letting you down. When I went to college, that continued and I studied the law and then I got the good job. I did everything you and Daddy weren’t able to do and then I lost it.”

Bewilderment scudded across Todd’s face. “Are you saying you didn’t want to be a lawyer?”

She shook her head. “No, I did, I do, but if I’m honest with myself, I did it a little bit more for you than for me.”

“Oh, Amy.” A tear slid down Lisa’s cheek. “Your dad and I have loved you from the moment the doctor laid you in our arms. I’m so sorry that our hopes and dreams for you have been a burden.”

“No, Mom, it’s not a burden,” she said, tears splashing onto her hand. “I loved that you wanted me to succeed, it’s just—”

“It’s my fault,” Todd said, swallowing hard. “I’ve loved watching you flourish, getting the career one part of me always wished I had. I loved talking to you about your plans to become V.P., only now I see they weren’t just your plans, were they?” He picked up her hand. “When I was in Whitetail, Ben told me that you didn’t like to disappoint people and I agreed with him, thinking about how hard you worked. Now I think he was trying to tell me something.”

Ben.
Her heart quivered.
He understood her but he didn’t love her.

“But Amy,” Todd continued, his eyes moist, “I love you and you’ve never disappointed me.”

“Not even this week?” she asked weakly, feeling battered and bruised from the fallout.

“Especially not this week.” He kissed the back of her hand. “You held your head high, uncovered a crime and won back your job.”

“We love you, darling, and we just want you to be happy,” Lisa said, lines of anxiety bracketing her mouth.

Happy.
She wasn’t sure how that was possible when a piece of her heart was missing. Ben had accused her of hiding and as much as it hurt her to admit it, she now realized that part of her had been hiding all her life. Not from work—she was the smart, educated woman there. But the rest of her life. She’d been the geeky, bookish, timid girl who’d never been prepared to show her real self out of fear of disappointing and being rejected. The one time she’d risked it, she’d been rejected anyway.

These past few weeks she’d learned that she owed it to herself to step out into the light and create her own version of happiness. It started with being true to herself for the very first time.

She sucked in a deep breath. “Mom, Dad, in the spirit of painful honesty, I need to tell you something about my job...”

* * *

Ben had flown from Florida to Chicago, not wanting to risk the weather closing in on him and Red in the hilly country of Kentucky and stranding him there. Now, as the streetlamps came on, he’d arrived in the unfamiliar city and it was like having changed countries. Snow was lightly falling as he stood outside Amy’s apartment building at the end of a tree-lined street in Old Town. From the outside, it looked like it had started life as a warehouse. Given the trendy-looking restaurants housed in beautifully restored Victorian buildings that he’d passed in the cab to get here, he got the impression he was in a district of upwardly mobile professionals. He thought of Amy’s black business suit, which had been so out of place in Whitetail but would fit in perfectly here. He’d just stepped into her world. He hoped she’d welcome him in.

Back in the bar in Key West, when he realized he loved her, all he’d wanted to do was call her but he’d worried she’d hang up on him. Decision made, he’d booked a ticket to Chicago but he didn’t know where she lived and her name didn’t show up in the directory. He hadn’t wanted to ring M.M. Enterprises and he’d doubted they’d give him that sort of information anyway. Fortunately, he’d managed to find Cindy’s number and had called her. Unlike Lisa and Todd, he’d got the impression that Cindy approved of him and at this point he needed all the brownie points he could get. Cindy had given him Amy’s address.

So now he stood clutching a bunch of cut flowers he’d bought from a florist down the street who’d charged him half the national debt of a third-world country. Blowing out a breath, he pressed the door bell under Amy’s name. It buzzed loudly.

Be home
,
be home
,
be home.

Static sounded followed by, “Hello?”

His heart leaped at the sound of her voice. “Amy, it’s Ben.”

The crackle of the intercom deafened him but she didn’t speak. “Can I come up?”

“I want to say no.” Her voice sounded unusually firm.

“It’s snowing.”

“Welcome to Chicago.”

Only she didn’t sound welcoming at all. “Would you leave an Aussie out in the snow?” he tried to quip against his rising panic. “There might be snow leopards or the North American cousin of drop bears.”

“I hope they’re hungry.”

“Please, Amy.”

There was a long pause, followed by a sigh. “Top floor, apartment six.”

The door started clicking and he pushed it open and then took the stairs two at a time, not wanting to waste even a second waiting for the elevator. He arrived at her door panting, and then he knocked.

She opened the door and he stared at her, soaking her in. She was wearing running pants and a hoodie and she had a green bandanna tied over her hair. He immediately noticed that she’d lost weight, which he didn’t think suited her because it made her usually round and smiling face long. She was pale and her face was filled with strain, and dark smudges ringed her luminous gray eyes. She flicked a derisive look at him and nothing about her demeanor indicated that she was pleased to see him.

He swallowed. “You look good.”

She raised one auburn brow. “I thought you hated lies?”

Touché.
If he’d been kidding himself that he hadn’t hurt her that much, he was under no illusions now. She walked away from the open door, leaving him standing in the entrance. It hardly counted as an invitation to enter but he took it anyway. “I brought you some flowers.”

“I’ve packed the vase.”

He pulled his gaze away from her and for the first time noticed the apartment. Packing boxes littered every available space. “You’re moving?”

She nodded and folded her arms across her chest, every part of her vibrating with loathing. “Why are you here, Ben?”

Great.
An opening.
“I saw the news when I was down in Florida.” He smiled at her proudly. “Good for you, showing that bastard what for.”

“I’m glad you approve.”

Every inch of her said the opposite and a band of sweat broke out on his forehead. “Amy, I’m really sorry.”

“What for?”

The words sounded like a trap and he wanted to wrap his arms around her, but nothing about her said she’d welcome his touch. “For letting you go through all of that alone.”

She picked at lint on her hoodie. “I wasn’t alone. My parents were here.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t expected that. “Well, I’m glad you told them.”

The left side of her mouth tweaked up wryly. “As you told me more than once, I needed to tell them and, yes, I needed to fight Jonathon. You were right. I just didn’t realize you wanted to hear me say it so much that you’d come all the way back from Florida to high-five me. Consider it done. Now you can take your flowers and go.”

This wasn’t part of his plan.
Tell her.
“Amy,” he blurted, “I love you.”

Her nostrils flared as if the words were a toxic stench. “What happened to, ‘I’m not looking for love and you need to go sort out your life’?” She made an odd choking sound in the back of her throat and then marched to the kitchen, putting the counter firmly between the two of them.

When she looked at him again, her face was ragged with pain. “Oh, my God.” She breathed out the words in horrified bewilderment. “Me taking control of my life was some sort of test, wasn’t it, and now that I’ve passed you’ve come back to claim me.”

“No. God, Amy, no, there was no test.” He willed her to understand, shocked that she thought so little of him.

Wariness edged with flint flashed in her eyes. “So your realization that you loved me happened before you saw me on the news?”

He couldn’t lie. “Actually, it happened at the same time.”

“Ben, you need to go.”

Her pain sliced into him.
You’ve got one chance.
Don’t fuck this up.
“Amy, I swear to you, when I left you I was doing everything you accused me of. The idea of you loving me had me running scared and I couldn’t even think about the fact I might have fallen in love with you because I was never going to let that happen again.

“And yes, I won’t back down from the fact I thought you should fight for your job, but when I saw you on the news, being brave and taking on that slimy bastard, everything inside of me screamed that I’d thrown you to the lions. I should have been there with you, standing next to you. I hated that you were on your own. As much as I wanted you to fight I wanted to wrap you up in cotton wool and protect you. I’ve never felt the need to protect anyone as strongly as I have with you. I want to keep you safe and close, and the thought of losing you is more terrifying than loving you.”

Amy stared at Ben, trying to make sense of what he was saying. His arrival was so unexpected and he looked haggard and unkempt, as if he’d slept in his clothes and hadn’t shaved in days. A month ago, a declaration of love from him would have sent her into a giddy whirlwind of joy. Only, she wasn’t quite the same person as she’d been then.

She wanted to be loved for herself, not for what she’d done. “And if I hadn’t fought Jonathon? Would you have realized you loved me?”

He looked shamefaced. “I only ever want to tell you the truth, Amy.”

She braced herself for pain. “Go on.”

“It may have taken me a couple more days longer to realize, but it would have happened. I’d ridden two thousand miles to try and outrun you and I’d run out of land. I was in Key West, surrounded by beautiful women and every single one of them paled in comparison to you in your sequined top, shorts and hiking boots. I’d see amazing things and turn to tell you, only to realize you weren’t there. I’d go running and expect you to arrive a couple of minutes later, flop down next to me and say, ‘I’m never doing this again,’ before catching your breath and keeping on going.”

She could scarcely breathe as she tried to absorb his heartfelt words.