We grow silent.
“Maybe they'll vote against it at the board meeting,” Lydia encourages.
“Fat chance. Bob will schmooze everyone with his big computer talk, and I won't be there to counteract it.”
“When do you think this technological takeover will happen?” Lydia asks as though we're being invaded by Mars.
“Who knows? Knowing Bob, he'll try to get it in place as soon as possible. Though I'm sure these types of systems take a long time to get them truly up and running online and all that.” She shrugs. “But who knows? That computer stuff is beyond me.” She fingers the handle on her coffee cup. “I can only imagine how overwhelming it will be.”
My heart softens. This really is a big deal to Millie. My personality drives me to keep up to date on things, so this type of attitude is hard for me to understand. “I'm sorry, Millie, that this is difficult for you. I'm not all that familiar with how libraries work, but I'll be happy to help you with computer questions in any way I can. Just e-mail me when we all get home if you need my help.”
Millie rolls up the sleeves on her short-sleeved tee and pulls her fan to her face. Her jaw is set, but fear lurks in her eyes. “It's better if we stop talking about it for now so as not to spoil my vacation.” Millie pulls a napkin from the holder and blots her face and neck. She pushes her coffee cup away from her. “This is just too hot to drink now.”
Lydia and I lock eyes.
“It's hot in here.” Millie pushes through the kitchen and steps up to the passenger's seat without saying another word.
Guilt washes over me about that whole air-conditioning thing until I remember they're suffering because of Cobbler, not me. “Why don't you bring Cobbler's cage out here, Lydia? That way you could crank up the air-conditioning a little more and she wouldn't be so enclosed with the cold air. It's more open out here.” Well, as open as you get living in a two-by-four. “We could put her cover around the bottom half of her cage to insulate it a bit.”
Millie and Lydia both brighten, and I have to wonder what's gotten into me. Just when I've thawed out, I have to go and say something stupid.
“We can't have her in the kitchen, and there's no other open area, but that's a great idea to cover the bottom half of her cage,” Lydia says. “Though I must admit I'm surprised that you would make a suggestion so we could turn up the air-conditioning.”
“Yeah, what's gotten into you?” Millie chimes in.
“Just had a Pollyanna moment. Don't get used to it, though.”
Lydia chuckles. “Guess it's time to get going,” she says, picking up the cups. She stops at the counter. “Oh dear. DeDe got the bowls out, but I forgot to offer oatmeal. Is anyone hungry?”
“I'm fine,” I say, already making plans to eat some chocolate from my secret stash in the bedroom.
“I lost my appetite,” Millie calls over her shoulder while flipping through her book.
Lydia tosses an “oh dear” expression my way.
Something tells me we haven't heard the end of this.
“Sorry to bring this up, but”âmy eyes turn to Millie since
she's the one who always gets mad when I ask thisâ“I was wonderingâ”
“Omaha, Nebraska,” Millie interrupts. “We will be at Aspen Bible Camp in a couple of days, right around the time you turn the big five-oh, barring any unforeseen circumstances.” She turns to me and throws a head librarian glare.
The sound of that “barring any unforeseen circumstances” thing isn't real comforting, but it's probably better if I don't comment on thatâor rise to the birthday bait. “What? Since when is it a crime to want to know where I'm going?” I ask.
She ignores me and turns back around. Lydia switches on the radio, and we're soon on our way. As we head out of town, we stop at a local grocery store to gather some needed items. Just before we leave, I pick up a copy of the local newspaper. The fact that I have no idea who the latest Hollywood couples are tells me that I've lost touch with reality.
We settle into our seats once again and into the familiar whirâokay, clunk, bang, rattleâof the RV's engine.
About an hour into the trip, Millie turns to Lydia, then me. “Do you girls ever wonder what your lives might be like if your choices had taken you down a different path?”
Reluctantly pulling my gaze from the Crabby Road cartoon in the paper, I have to wonder if I'm up to this discussion.
“Oh, I know it's a crazy question,” Millie admits. “I just look at my life and realize it's more than half over.”
“Excuse me? Can we just skip this little talk for now? You might be old, but I have a little time left, thank you very much.” Millie and Lydia exchange a glance and a smirk.
“A few days, Dede,” Millie spouts with far too much triumph. “There's no time at all before you'll be old just like the rest of us.” She cackles here, reminding me of Grandmama on
The Addams
Family
.
“A lot of living can be done in a few days, Millie. Need I remind you all of creation took place in seven days? There's still a little time to kick back, thank you.” They're struggling with the fact that I'm the youngest of our group. Still, I glance at the crusty old woman in Crabby Road and realize that's me in a few days.
“Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like for Greg and me if we had traveled more. If we had made more vacation memories,” Lydia says.
I'm thinking there is only one direction for this discussion to goâsouth. I fold the paper and slip over to the floor at the top of the two steps between Lydia's and Millie's seats so I can hear their voices over the motor home's groans. Why I'm listening is beyond me.
“I'm not talking about regrets, Lydia. We all have those. Just in general. For instance, had I gone to a different college, I never would have met Bruce. I might have stayed single, or quite possibly married someone else altogether. Or what if I had gone into teaching music like my dad wantedâhow would my life be now?”
Stop the presses! Hold your notes! Millie's dad wanted her to teach music? Is the man tone-deaf ? I love Millie. I really do. But anyone who has heard her play the trumpet knows exactly what I'm talking about.
“Remember what Greta said about the words
what if
,” Lydia reminds us.
Millie looks at her. “I remember, but I can't help but wonder anyway.”
“And I wonder what life would be without chocolate. Men, I can do without, but the dark candy? No.”
Lydia laughs. “Just think if things had all been different, we wouldn't be taking this trip now,” she says in a burst of pure wisdom.
“Meaning?” I ask.
“It would be a real shame,” Lydia says, “not to go on this trip together.”
“Oh yeah,” I say sorrowfully, attempting an appropriate shudder. Hello? Camping. Closed-in spaces. Getting locked out of the motor home, having the drawer handle come off in my hand, and I won't even mention the radiator problem. Real shame? Forget that burst of pure wisdom thing.
“Sometimes I just wonder about my life, that's all.” Millie sighs. “It's probably my age. Don't they say old people spend more time in reflection?” A sharp gaze my way warns me not to comment. “I guess that's what I'm doing.” She fidgets in her seat. “I'm not ready to be old yet. I've given my life to my work, and look where that's gotten me. No husband, no children.”
What she says strikes a chord in my own heart. All those years I struggled to succeed, refusing romantic entanglements for fear they would get in the way of my career. But when push came to shove in the business, I wanted out. Let the real estate moguls have their way, I had decided. Who needed the pressures associated with selling commercial real estate? Not me.
“Chocolates can do a lot of things, DeDe, but they can't warm a cold bed,” Millie says as though reading my thoughts.
Her words get my full attention. She's not fooling me. She's pushing for information.
“We don't have to have a man in our lives to be happy, Millie,” I say. “Besides, chocolate is good for you. It contains compounds called flavonoids, which might protect against heart attacks.”
“It might have some medicinal qualities, DeDe, but it doesn't cure loneliness.”
“We do need people in our lives,” Lydia jumps in. “If we shut everyone out, we have no life.”
Don't I know it.
“You still have plenty of friends at your church, right?” Lydia asks me.
“Well, honestly, I haven't gone to church in a while.” I don't have to tell her I was too ashamed to go back and face my friends after dumping them for Rob. Couldn't face God, either.
We fall silent a moment.
“The people who are really happy have a faith that carries them through the tough times, and they also have a community of friends,” Lydia says.
“Like the Red Hat Club?” Millie asks.
“That's one group,” Lydia says.
She's right about the friends. Aunt Darcy with her old lady friends, my neighbor Irene Conley, and some others pop into mind. They do have a community of friends and a faith that shines through the worst of circumstances.
“That's what we have,” Lydia says, smiling.
“You're right, Lydia.” Better to change the subject so I don't have to think about this right now. “I think I'll call the shop and see how things are going.” Okay, that was a little abrupt, but it works. With a grunt I push myself up from the floor and head back to the bedroom to get my cell phone, but not before seeing Lydia and Millie exchange a glance.
“Hey, Shelley. How are things?”
“DeDe, good to hear from you. Things are going well,” she says. “How's your trip?”
We catch up on the small stuff, and I can't help feeling Shelley is trying to keep me from what we both know is the real reason I'm calling.
“So did she open yet?”
“Who?” Shelley feigns ignorance.
“Come on, Shelley. What's the matterâdid she have a huge turnout or something?”
“She opened today, Dee. WFRP came out and covered it. The shop owner dressed in bright polka dots of pink, green, and white, passed out balloons and candy samples. She had a display of gourmet chocolates in a chocolate basket, and people entered a drawing to win it. They're drawing in half an hour.”
“How's the crowd there?”
“She's doing a good business. Steady stream of customers.”
“How are we doing?”
“Well, of course people will go where there are free giveaways.”
“Not much business, huh?”
“Not much,” she admits.
“Well, it will pass. Once the novelty wears off, our loyal customers will return, because we have really good chocolates,” I say with more confidence than I feel.
“Yeah, I suppose you're right.” Shelley plays along.
A moment of hesitation here. “Should I come home?”
“Oh no, no. We'll be fine.”
I'm not sure whether she's trying to convince me or herself. We hang up shortly after, and I go back in with Lydia and Millie.
“Everything all right?” Millie asks, then she sees my face. “Whoa, what's wrong?”
After sitting, I explain my conversation with Shelley to Lydia and Millie.
“Everything will be all right, DeDe. Things will die down over at the new shop. It's just the excitement of having a new place, the opening day, all that,” Lydia says.
“Yeah, that's what I said too. Hopefully we're right.”
“We're right,” Millie encourages. “Still, I'd sure hate being ousted by a young kid.”
“Who said anything about being ousted?” Watch it, lady, or it's mismatched sock drawer for you tonight!
“Nobody, Dee. She didn't mean anything by that,” Lydia pipes up.
“Oh, don't listen to me. I'm still stinging from that whole computer changeover deal. Why do things have to change, anyway? It's like we leave a few days and the world turns upside down,”
Millie grumbles.
“Hey, there's a coffee shop,” Lydia says, pointing to the sign that shows a coffee cup. “It's not Starbucks, but it will do. We could use a little pick-me-up,” she says.
Millie and I agree.
Traveling another quarter mile, we turn off on the next exit and soon pull in for our coffee. A blended light mocha with whipped cream is my drink of choice. I know the whipped cream kind of cancels out the “light” part, but I figure it would be worse if I ordered a regular drink. Hey, you do what you gotta do.
Despite Millie's love for whipped cream, she drinks her cappuccino plain. She grabs her drink, Lydia gets her latte, and we take a seat at a nearby table.
“They call that coffee?” Millie asks, looking at my drink.
“You know I'll pick extravagant over plain anytime, Millie. Besides, you had whipped cream in your coffee earlier, if memory serves me, and it does.” Hopefully she won't remember that her hot flash kept her from drinking it.
“Yeah, but that was different. I was stressed.” She takes a sip of her plain, as in
boring
, cappuccino.
“If you don't mind, I'm going to call Derrick and Drew. I had hoped Drew would call me to talk about the school situation, but he hasn't. Evidently the ball is in my court,” Lydia says.
“Do you think Derrick told him about his conversation with you? He might not want Drew to know,” I say.
“We have to bring it out in the open sometime. I'll be back shortly.” Lydia takes her latte over to a corner by herself and opens her cell phone.
Lydia's comment lingers. “
We have to bring it out in the open
sometime.
” If only I could reveal the guilt I'm carrying around. But what would they think of me? The fact that I still think about Rob, still care for him even
after
knowing everything. What kind of person am I?