Sacrifice (11 page)

I didn’t say anything to him. I knew when he was ready he’d tell me the rest. But this wasn’t something that could be rushed. I couldn’t force him to tell me his story. And I had a sneaking suspicion that if I opened my mouth to prompt him on that I would lose him. He’d simply clam up and I’d never be this close to him again.

“Someone shot him… I was the one who ended up down the morgue identifying his body. My father was no where to be found and mom wasn’t well enough to do it. Plus, I didn’t want her to see him that way. She’d been through so much already… A couple of months after we buried Jackson my dad hung himself in the garage. He just couldn’t handle the guilt.”

Shocked I sat in silence, the tears I had tried to push down inside me earlier spilled down my cheeks. Not for me. But for the pain Sam had been forced into living. It wasn’t fair. And as much as I knew life wasn’t fair. What he had found himself caught up in because of his father, really wasn’t right.

“Sam, I’m so sorry…” I didn’t know what else to say to him and sorry seemed so inadequate. I felt like I should be saying or doing more for him. But there was nothing I or anyone else could do. I couldn’t bring his brother back. I couldn’t stop his father from going off the deep end. Hell I couldn’t even keep my own family together.

He sat up straighter, his eyes boring holes into mine. “I didn’t tell you this so you’d feel sorry for me. I told you this because I think it’s important that you begin to believe that your father doesn’t hate you the way you think he does.”

I recoiled away from him as though he had slapped me. His point was a little too close to the bone for me. Hate was such an ugly word. Of course, late at night when I was alone and had nothing else to do but dwell on the past, I thought he hated me. But I didn’t think I’d ever come out and actually said it to anyone. How Sam could see it in me was surprising.

He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight, practically to the point of pain. “I don’t blame my brother or my father for what they did anymore. I used to. It ate me up inside for such a long time… And it’s only now that I’m finally learning to let it all go.”

He moved his hand from mine, to cup the side of my face softly. Without thinking I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes.

“You have to learn to let it go. Don’t let it destroy you… Not like it did to me.”

I glanced up at him in surprise. “What do you mean, like it has you? You haven’t allowed anything to destroy you?”

Sam shrugged, “There are those out there who wouldn’t agree with you on that.”

He sealed his lips and I knew from the expression he wore that I wasn’t going to get anymore from him on the subject.

“I’m just worried about him. I don’t want to have missed anything… How could I live with it if something happened to him? He reached out to me, it’s not something I can just ignore.”

Sam sighed, and ran his hands back through his hair. The movement stretched his body and loosened the towel he had pinned around his waist. I watched, mouth open as the towel slipped little by little, revealing more and more of his tan, hard muscular body.

He coughed softly drawing my attention upwards to his face once more and I couldn’t hide the blush that crept across my cheeks.

“And girls complain about guys ogling them.” He quirked his eyebrow at me, a small smile hovering around his lips.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been staring…” My words drifted off as he cupped my face, gripping my chin between his thumb and forefinger. With his face this close to mine I could smell the faint scent of my shower gel on his skin. For some reason it suited him. It was probably just my way of trying to justify what was about to happen.

He kissed me. It was far more demanding then before, his tongue raked across my lips as his hands tangled in my hair, tugging my head back. I was open and vulnerable to him. He moved over me, his body pressing against mine as I gasped. The press of his hand against my breast drew a small whimper of pleasure from my lips.

Was I crazy? I barely knew him and yet here I was allowing myself to be seduced by him. He bit down on my bottom lip, sucking it between his teeth and I groaned. It sent a bolt of desire racing through my veins and straight down to the juncture between my thighs. Desire and need burned inside me and I was sure that if I didn’t get what I needed, if he didn’t take me right now that I would simply burn up. Could a human being combust from wanting someone too much?

“Sam, I’m not right for you.”

“Nat, you’re the only right thing in my life now.” He whispered the words against my lips, making me tremble in his grip.

His mouth left mine to trail hot fiery kisses down over my neck to my collar bone. I moved beneath him, positioning my body so he had easier access to me. He lay between my legs, the only protection between us was his bunched up towel and the sweats I was wearing. But it was barely enough. I could feel his heat radiating through the fabric, scorching along my skin. His hands found mine and pushed them above my head, pining my wrists beneath his grip.

It would be so easy to give in. So easy to just let it happen. To let him bury his pain and heartache inside me. For him to reduce my body to a quivering whimpering mess. To drive all thought of my father and the worry I had from my mind.

Too easy.

I wanted Sam. He was the sun and I needed his heat to bring me to life. To drive the demons from my body. But not today. Not now. Not like this. I wanted him, but this wasn’t right. I couldn’t think straight. And if I couldn’t think straight then I was betting he was the same way.

“N-no. Not yet.” I mumbled against his kisses, pulling my hands free of his grip.

He stopped the instant I said no. His body growing still against mine. I could feel his hard length pressed against me. I almost had him. Almost got to taste what he had to offer me. And yet here I was, turning it all down. Pushing him away.

I struggled beneath him and he pushed his body up into a half press up. The look on his face one of complete and utter confusion as he stared down at me.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” The look on his face wasn’t what I expected. He stared at me with hurt filled eyes. Like a small boy who was just told off for doing what he thought was right.

I brushed my hands against his cheek, feeling the roughness of his stubble beneath my fingertips.

“No, you didn’t… It’s just, I’m not ready for this.”

For the first time since I had laid eyes on him, Sam actually blushed. I watched as the colour flooded his cheeks. He ducked his head, not able to meet my gaze as he climbed off me.

“I’m so sorry, Nat, I didn’t mean… I shouldn’t have… I’m really sorry.” He gripped the towel against his body, hard enough to turn his knuckles white. As he climbed up from the bed I reached out to him, my hand wrapping around his.

“You don’t have to go.”

He shook his head again and kept his gaze averted from mine. “It’s better if I go.”

I tightened my grip on him, tugging him back down next to me. “No, Sam, I want you to stay with me. Please?”

There must have been something in the tone of my voice. He looked up at me and stopped moving away from me. His cheeks still burned with colour and I reached up and brushed my hands across his face. He closed his eyes and let me pull him down onto the bed next to me.

We lay there for what seemed like an eternity, his hand wrapped firmly around mine. Neither of us said a word. The silence that stretched between us was comfortable, it felt natural. I wanted him. I couldn’t deny it and to try and pretend that I didn’t was just stupid. But there was no point rushing into it. I needed to know what I was throwing myself into. The last thing I wanted now was more heartache.

He was nothing like Daniel, so it wasn’t as though I was worried about him hurting me like that. But part of me realised that Sam had the ability to hurt me so much worse than anyone else. That he could break me utterly and completely. How he had that kind of power over me, I had no clue. I just knew he did and I wanted to protect myself. Well as much as I could anyway…

I lay there with him until we both fell asleep. His hand holding mine…

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Sam

The second she whispered the word no, Sam stopped. He held himself still as she wriggled beneath him, making an already hard situation, much more difficult. But it wasn’t the word no, or the fact that she pushed him away that made Sam feel ashamed. It was the look in her eyes.

She stared up at him with such desire and complete trust. It was a sobering moment for him and it hit him like a sucker punch to the gut. He was about to take advantage of her. Most guys might have been fine with that. But Sam wasn’t most guys. And Natasha certainly wasn’t most girls. She wasn’t like the ones he was used to being around. When he was with those other women it was of mutual benefit to them both. They got what they wanted from him and well he got what he needed… Nobody got hurt…

But Natasha was different. She was a breath of fresh air in this stale room that Sam called his life. He’d often viewed living as a waiting room. But what he was waiting for he didn’t know, until he’d set eyes on Natasha.

How was he supposed to do his job when she was the way she was? She was perfect in every way. He was only supposed to get close to her, not fall for her, and yet…

It made everything ridiculously complicated. But there was one thing he was utterly clear on. He couldn’t do what they had sent here to do. He couldn’t betray her in that way and there was no way he wanted to go on lying to her. It just wasn’t something he was capable of doing. She made him want to be a better man. And he hadn’t realised it until that moment. Hadn’t recognised the warning signs until he’d looked down into her trusting eyes.

Of course he’d tried to leave. Leaving was the better option. He could just get up and walk out of her life now and she wouldn’t get hurt. He wouldn’t have to involve her in his fucked up life. Wouldn’t destroy this small piece of safety that she had carved out for herself here, even without her knowing it.

How she didn’t know about her father was beyond him. How could you live your life and never know the people who raised you, never really understand who they were? It seemed absurd.

He had known who his father was from a very young age. Had known the man he had been before he married Sam’s mother. But then not all families were as open about the mistakes they made. And of course not every family was as terminally messed up the way his was either.

Natasha’s breathing was deeper now. Sam rolled over onto his side and stared down at her. Her lashes were dark smudges against her cheeks. He contemplated switching off the light and sneaking away. But she had asked him to stay.

If she asked you to jump off a cliff would you do it?

The little voice in the back of his mind mocked him with words that his mother used to say to him all the time. It had been one of her favourite little pearls of wisdom. And at the time Sam had believed she was right. It was stupid to do whatever someone else asked you to do…

But that was before he knew Natasha. If she had asked him to capture the moon he would have given it a good go. He was helpless to do anything else but what she asked. And it only served as a painful reminder of what he was supposed to be doing. A reminder of the very thing he couldn’t and wouldn’t do. There had to be another way. There had to be a way out of all of this for him and Natasha.

Sam closed his eyes and let the sweet scent of Natasha’s perfume fill his head. He wanted her in a way he had never wanted anyone else before. It was almost scary the way he wanted to protect her from anything that wanted to harm her. And if anyone knew what existed in the world to harm Natasha it was Sam. He knew what was coming for her.

What her father had been thinking by ringing her, Sam couldn’t understand it. It was foolish and reckless. For a man who was so intelligent, so coveted by the people Sam worked for it was a stupid move. If they knew what he was doing they wouldn’t hesitate to try and force his hand.

Sam shook his head and continued to look down at Natasha. He climbed noiselessly from the bed and switched the over head light off. He scooped his boxers up from the pile he had left on top of the radiator in the bathroom. At least they were dry… Tugging them on he jumped when Natasha mumbled in her sleep and stirred across the bed.

Although her voice was low, quiet, he could still hear the fear in it. Sam froze and listened carefully as she continued to mumble, her voice becoming increasingly panicked. Without even thinking Sam padded softly across the floor and climbed back into the bed next to her. Carefully he wrapped his arms around her body and drew her in towards his chest.

“No, mommy, no, please don’t leave me…” Her voice was little more than a whimper but it lanced through Sam, cutting him to the core.

He held her and she went quiet again, her breathing slowly relaxing as her body settled in against his. Sam had never just lain in a bed with a woman before. Never just held her as she slept. But then he had never spent any time with anyone who would accept him just holding them as they slept. Natasha was about as different as they came. She was special. And Sam planned to protect her at all costs, no matter what it meant for him.

His mother had told him that when he met the right woman he would know. It wouldn’t advertise itself like a neon sign and it wouldn’t sign post itself as lust. When he met the right one then he would know. She would be the woman he would do anything for. Give up anything, be whoever she wanted him to be. She would be the one he would gladly sacrifice himself for… And Sam knew Natasha was that one. That girl he would sacrifice his life for, if it meant keeping her safe. It was an oddly fulfilling feeling. Knowing that the one you held in your arms was it, the beginning and end of everything.

His eyes drifted shut as he held her, his Natasha. And she was his… No matter what happened, she would always be his and he would be hers.