Safe Word (11 page)

“Okay,” she agreed, completely confused.  What man turned down oral sex – or sex of any kind, for that matter?  Even more puzzling, Zane seemed very much invested in getting her off.  He even wanted her to stay and cuddle when the kinkiness was over and done with.  It didn’t quite add up.

“Goodnight,” he said, switching off the light and then curling up behind her.

“Goodnight.”

Melody was simultaneously pleased and saddened when Zane wrapped an arm around her in a protective, affectionate hug.  She loved feeling him close to her.  She loved the intimacy of it.  And yet she was sure they could be so much more intimate if he would simply allow it.  How could she make him understand that?  How could she make him want it?

Perhaps even more importantly, Melody wondered why Zane didn’t already want it.  He acted like having sex with her wasn’t even an option.  It left her fighting off doubts, wondering if maybe he didn’t want to go “all the way” with her because he actually wasn’t that into her.

Beside her, Zane groaned in his sleep and burrowed his head into her side, pulling her even closer to him.  It was like she was his personal pillow – or security blanket, maybe – and it felt incredible.  But Melody was beginning to realize that the only time she got to see Zane like that, with his guard truly down, was when he was asleep.

She didn’t know how to get through to him when he was awake.  Were his control issues really so severe that he would never allow her to see him vulnerable or out of control?  Restless and unable to sleep, Melody watched the man beside her breathe in and out, his handsome, shadow shrouded face completely relaxed and totally at peace.

It was then that she realized what they were doing went far beyond sex or friendship.  At least it did for her.  Melody wasn’t sure when it had happened but in that moment, she realized something she hadn’t been willing to admit even to herself until now. 

Zane wasn’t just Melody’s Dom and best friend.  He was also the man she was completely, utterly in love with...and she didn’t quite know what to do with that.

The next morning, Melody was exhausted, her head spinning.  Her mind had been far too active for her to relax.  She’d spent nearly the entire night tossing and turning.  Beside her, Zane had slept like a baby, completely oblivious to her internal struggle.

In some respects, their arrangement made her so happy!  But only in some respects...

There were parts of her that felt she was missing out on things.  She desperately wanted an emotional connection with Zane – one that went beyond platonic friendship or post-kink cuddles.  She wanted to make plans for the future with him.  She wanted to share a life with him. 

Hell, she was getting old!  Well, technically she wasn’t old and her mother would have given her an earful for suggesting otherwise.  But as the last birthday of her twenties approached, Melody
felt
old.  The pressure she felt to do all the things that were expected of women her age was enormous.

It was time for her to figure out where her life was headed and what she wanted.  And if Zane didn’t want those same things then...well, she wasn’t sure how much longer they could keep doing what they were doing.

The thing was that Melody didn’t know what Zane wanted.  For someone who was her best friend, she knew ridiculously little about him.  Sure, she knew the basics.  She knew his favorite foods and which sports teams he rooted for.  She even knew that he watched cartoons in his pajamas every Saturday morning just like an overgrown child. 

And she also knew much more personal things, like his love of spanking.

But what did he want out of life?  What did he want in a partner?

Struggling to push those nagging questions aside, Melody rolled out of bed.  She could hear Zane opening cupboards and rattling around in the kitchen.  And she could smell coffee.  Following her nose, she made her way out there.

“Good morning.  You look like you could use this,” Zane told her when she walked into the kitchen, handing her a cup of hot coffee.  “Did I snore and keep you awake?”

“You didn’t snore,” she told him, gratefully taking a sip and imagining the caffeine flowing into her bloodstream.  “And thanks for telling me I look like hell, by the way.”

“I didn’t say that,” he told her as he got a frying pan out.  “You always look gorgeous...this morning you just look gorgeous and sleepy, that’s all.”

“I
am
sleepy.”

“You’ll feel better once you get some food in you,” he predicted.  “One egg or two?” he asked as he opened up a package of bacon.  He always cooked Melody breakfast, maybe because he knew she would skip it entirely if he didn’t.  Or maybe it was simply because he enjoyed cooking for her, she didn’t know.

“Ugh!” she groaned, frustrated by how little she apparently knew about Zane and how intense her feelings for him were.  It was worse than having a middle school crush, perhaps because she was in her late twenties and didn’t have a whole lot of time left to be obsessing over guys who might never reciprocate her feelings.

“What, not in the mood for eggs?” Zane asked, obviously thinking her groan of frustration had been in response to his question about breakfast.  “How about I make you some waffles instead?  I’ll make you those chocolate chip banana ones you like so much.”

“Why are you so nice to me?” she blurted out angrily.

He paused and looked up from what he was doing.  Cocking his head to the side, he very practically asked, “What would you rather I do, be an asshole?”

“No, but...I don’t know,” Melody muttered, flinging herself down on a chair.

She winced.

Zane winked at her knowingly.  “I guess I’m not
that
nice to you,” he joked.  “Still sore, huh?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, shifting in her seat.  She kind of liked the way her tender bottom was a constant reminder of what they had done last night.  She had a feeling she was going to spend the entire day uncomfortable – and turned on. 

“Are you working today?” he asked.

She shrugged and stared forlornly into her coffee cup.  “Work has kind of dried up lately,” she admitted.  “If I don’t find another client or two soon I think I’m going to have to start looking for an actual nine to five, in person job again.”

“Don’t.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’d miss you too much if you did that.  I’d get lonely if you were gone all day for hours and hours every week,” Zane told her.  “Even if you’re in your room working and I’m not allowed to bother you, I like just knowing you’re nearby.”

Melody snorted.  “I’m not sure that’s a good reason for me to be an unemployed bum.”

“It’s not unemployment if it’s by choice, is it?  Stay-at-home moms do it all the time.”

“But I’m not a mom.”

“What about housewives?”

“I’m not anybody’s wife, either,” she pointed out.

Zane shrugged.  “Minor detail,” he told her dismissively.  “And I mean...I’d support you.  I know you laughed it off when I tried to bring it up before, but I mean it.  I would take care of you.  You wouldn’t want for anything.”

“What are you even talking about?” she asked as he handed her a plate full of delicious smelling, golden brown waffles and crispy bacon.  “You’re making it sound like you want me to just hang out at home all day with you.”

“Kind of, yeah,” he admitted.  “Only if you wanted to, of course,” he added quickly.  “And we wouldn’t have to stay home – at least not all the time. We could travel, if you wanted.  Or we could get a vacation home someplace.  We could do anything you wanted, really.”

“Zane!” she exclaimed, partly ecstatic and partly furious.

“What?”

This was it.  It was time to have The Talk.  Melody had been dreading it, but her relationship with Zane was getting to the point where she didn’t even know what the expectations were.  Were they together? Were they not?  A discussion to set everything straight once and for all was long overdue.

“We need to talk.”

“Okay,” he replied.  “But eat your breakfast while we talk, alright?  It’s going to get cold.”

Taking a deep breath and choosing her words with care, Melody admitted, “I’m finding this, um,
arrangement
of ours kind of confusing.  I’ve never done a friends with benefits sort of thing before, if that’s what this is.  I’m not even sure what to call it.  It’s...complicated.”

“It is,” Zane agreed, popping a strip of bacon into his mouth.  “I’ve never done anything quite like this before either,” he admitted.  “The women I dated before Alexandra...well, I don’t know if you could even call it dating.  It was all about kink, but there was never any real romantic connection there.  And Alexandra...” 

“What about her?” Melody prompted when Zane trailed off wistfully. 

“There was romance, but really unfulfilling sex.  Also, this had never really occurred to me until now, but...okay, this is going to sound bad.  But now that I think about it, I don’t know if Alexandra and I were ever truly
friends
.  That sounds crazy, doesn’t it?  But I think it’s true.”

“Wow.” 

Truthfully, Melody was thrilled to hear that.  It was the first somewhat negative thing Zane had ever said about his relationship with his ex, and that seemed like progress.  Maybe he wasn’t quite as hopelessly and eternally hung up on Alexandra as Melody had initially been led to believe.  At least she hoped he wasn’t.

“So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Zane asked, glancing at his watch.  “I don’t mean to rush you but I have to get going right away and if you’re not busy today I was hoping you would come with me.” 

“Oh, I didn’t know...”

“Yeah, sorry, I should have mentioned it sooner, but I just...”  Zane trailed off and then stood up, beginning to clear the dishes.  “We’ve got a few minutes though, if you want.”

“No!” Melody told him a bit too quickly.  “We can talk later.” 

Secretly she was grateful for the distraction.  Although she was hopeful what she had with Zane could turn into an actual romantic relationship, she was afraid it wouldn’t.  In fact, she was terrified that it could all come crashing down if the conversation didn’t go well.  She was afraid.  That was precisely why she wanted to put it off as long as possible.

*****

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Melody asked a short while later.

She and Zane were in his car and all she could think about was what he’d had her do the last time he had taken her on an excursion.  Part of her desperately wished he’d do it again – demand she hand over her panties, make her spread her legs...anything to make her feel dirty and sexy and daring. 

But he was keeping his hands to himself.  And his eyes were on the road, mostly.  Every so often he glanced over at her, but Melody was having trouble reading him.  He seemed quieter than sometimes, more subdued.  She wasn’t sure what to make of that. 

Had he always been this confusing? 

It seemed like Zane was more of a mystery now than ever.  Or maybe Melody’s questions about him had become deeper and more involved now that her feelings for him had become more serious.  There were things she’d never asked about before that she was dying to know now. 

“We’re here,” Zane said suddenly as they pulled into a residential neighborhood. 

He parked on the street outside a modest two storey house with a white picket fence in front of it.  He reached into the glove compartment and grabbed a pack of gum.  After offering some to Melody, he tossed a couple pieces into his mouth and chewed vigorously.

She barely noticed.  She was preoccupied.  Zane walked around to Melody’s side and opened the door for her.  Since she was still busy staring at the house, her brow furrowed in an expression of confusion, he leaned in and undid her seatbelt for her.

“I could swear I’ve been here before,” Melody murmured, struggling to figure out where she recognized the place from.  She’d probably gone down that street hundreds of times, so did she simply recognize the exterior of the house and
think
she knew it?  It was hard to say.

“There you are!” an older man called as he came around the side of the house pushing a wheelbarrow.  “You’re late!” he added cheerfully as he pulled a handkerchief out of the pocket of his denim overalls and wiped the sweat off his brow.

“Sorry Dad!” Zane called back.

Melody snapped to attention at that. 

“You brought me to your parents’ house?” she hissed out of the corner of her mouth as Zane took her hand and led her up the front walk.  Of all the places she’d expected him to take her and all the things she’d imagined he might do, this had never crossed her mind.  She was shocked.

“And who’s this?” Zane’s father asked pleasantly as he pushed his glasses up his nose.  Melody wouldn’t have recognized him had she passed him on the street – he’d aged a great deal since she had spent time hanging out with Zane’s sister as a child.  But then, she supposed she had too.

“This is Melody,” Zane replied.  “Melody, this is my dad.”

Remembering her manners, Melody took a step forward and smiled politely.  “Hello.  I was actually friends with Tess back when we were kids.  It’s nice to see you again Mr. Shepherd.”

“Oh no, call me Charlie!” Zane’s father interrupted, shaking her hand vigorously.  “You were friends with Tess, were you?”  He took off his glasses and cleaned them.  Then he put them back on and took a second, longer look at Melody.  “I’d like to say I recognize you but I’m afraid I’m terrible with faces,” he apologized.

“That’s fine.  It was a long time ago,” she replied graciously.

“Funny, it seems like it was only yesterday that the kids were, well, kids.  Oh, how time flies!” he complained.  “Speaking of time, your mother has been waiting for you, son,” he said, turning his attention back to Zane.  “You two had better get inside before she comes out here hollering at me for keeping you!”

When Zane led Melody into the house, the first thing that hit her was the familiarity of it all. 

She remembered that entryway, and even the living room.  Sure, it had undergone some cosmetic changes and upgrades over the years.  There was hardwood on the floors instead of shag carpet, and the floral couch had been replaced with more modern furniture.  But it was still the same place.  A flood of memories washed over her.

She remembered having giggly sleepovers in that living room with her friends years earlier.  They had stayed up all night eating junk food, watching movies and playing board games.  She remembered Zane being there too, tossing water balloons at the girls from behind the couch before his mother had sternly ordered him to leave them alone.

The second thing that hit Melody was the scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies wafting in from the kitchen.  The delicious aroma invaded her senses, immediately making her hungry.  Her mouth watered.

“Oh, you’re here!”

A round-faced, pleasantly plump woman around the same age as Melody’s mother came out of the kitchen wearing an apron.  She was older and somewhat heavier than Melody remembered, but there was no mistaking who she was.

And it seemed Zane’s mother recognized her, too.