Safeword: Davenport (15 page)

"Where are you now?” His tone wasn't quite as frosty, but was far from warm. Still, she looked at that as an improvement.

"In my car, on the way back to the office. Look, maybe I can take you to dinner this weekend? I realize I owe you an explanation—there's no excuse, it was rude, and I regret hurting you. I just...I wasn't in a good place, and didn't think I could handle the sound of your voice without breaking down. I'm working on it, but... I'm sorry."

"Thanks for calling, for trying to explain. How about I take you to dinner on the Delta Queen tomorrow evening? I can pick you up at your place and we can walk down. Or I can meet you in Coolidge Park if you'd rather."

"Dinner on the Delta Queen sounds nice, but I invited you to dinner, so it's my treat."

An hour later, Dana was pulling together fabric samples and paint chips on her drafting table when a shadow paused in her doorway. She looked up with a smile, but it froze when she saw who it was.

"Sue. I'm sorry I didn't return your call, but this isn't a good time. Please."

Sue closed the door and walked to her, talking fast, as if it were important to get this out as quickly as possible. “Marcie was wrong to say the things she did, and I'm sorry she hurt you. I know you loved my son with all of your heart, and I know you considered joining him, right after he was gone. I was so worried for you those first couple of months.” Sue reached her arm out and cupped Dana's face. “I still think of you as a daughter, and I'm happy you've decided to move on with your life. You have my blessings, Dana. If you ever find another man worthy of marrying you, I want an invitation to the wedding."

Dana had hardened her heart against a second onslaught, but this caught her completely off guard and the tears came anyway. She grabbed the box of tissues off her desk and attempted to catch them as they streamed from her eyes, not wanting her co-workers to know she'd been crying. Sue guided her to the sofa in her office and sat with her, silent while Dana tried to regain her composure.

"Thank you, Sue. I really needed to hear that. The truth is, I like Zach, but I've just re-created myself into a whole person, instead of half of a couple. I'm not sure I'm ready to become part of a unit again, and don't think my heart will ever let me fall as deeply for someone as I did Garnet."

"It's not necessary to figure everything out right away, dear. You can sometimes just take it one day at a time, and see where it leads you."

Dana felt the waterworks start again. “You know you're more of a mother to me than my own mom, but how can you advise me on this? On who I choose to replace your son?"

"Oh, sweetheart, you aren't replacing him. You're figuring out what to do with the rest of your life. You deserve happiness, and don't you ever lose sight of that."

"Marcie didn't think so."

"You caught her off guard and ended up on the receiving end of her emotional reaction to seeing you in another man's arms. She'll come around, but until she does, just know that this is her issue. It's not about you; it's about her inability to deal with her brother's death.

Dana picked up dinner at an all-natural deli on the way home. She changed into comfortable flannel pajamas, poured a glass of wine, and sat with her food and laptop, trying to find Sir Brent.

She created a new identity on Fetlife and searched for Nashville and Brent, but that got her nowhere. She searched for the club, joined the group, and looked through the messages. Thirty minutes later she found where he'd posted, and clicked on his name to send a message.

Sir Brent,

This is Dana. I'm sorry if it seemed I dropped off the face of the earth. Garnet died a little over two years ago, and I've just been surviving since. When it first happened, I needed to separate myself from being his submissive. I got a new cellphone number, changed to a new email address, and tried to look forward instead of back. I'm sorry, you were a good friend, and I should've let you know what happened, at the very least

I'm better now, and if you can forgive me, I'd like to get back in touch, see how you're doing

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to contact you. I hope everything is okay with you.

Dana

She took a deep breath and hit the “Say It!” button, and opened a digital catalog to research furniture choices for a client. She worked about thirty minutes before hearing the ding for a new personal email, and pulled up the message, her heart hammering, terrified he'd tell her to get lost after all this time.

Dana,

I'm sorry to hear about Garnet. The two of you were so close; my heart breaks for you. I'm proud of you for coming through it in one piece. It must have been hell

I'm doing well. I would love to hear the sound of your voice. My phone number is 615-555-0125, or you can message me with your number and I'll call you.

Brent

Dana's knees went week with relief, and tears threatened to make another appearance. She needed to pull herself together before calling him, so she went to the restroom before stopping off in the kitchen to pour another glass of wine. She settled back in the living room, inhaled deeply, and punched in Sir Brent's number—her heart beating crazily as she waited for the call to connect.

He answered immediately, and she recognized his voice without a doubt. “Sir Brent, it's Dana."

"Hello, lovely Dana, I'm so happy to hear from you. We can dispense with the Sir though; we're not at the club, my dear."

She smiled into the phone. “Are you still going to the club? Have you found your true love?"

"Yes, I'm still a member, and yes, I've found my true love. I have a charming submissive man at my beck and call, who only has one fault that I can find."

Dana chuckled. “Only one? Surely no one can be so close to perfect?"

"I'll concede a few minor irritations, but only one actual flaw."

Gods, she'd missed him—their wonderful conversations, and his unique view of life in general. She wanted to kick herself for pushing him away. “Ah, well that's different. What is this flaw you speak of?"

"He's bisexual. He likes to fuck women, too. I occasionally have to lend him out to a Domme so he can get his girl fix."

Dana couldn't help it, she laughed in spite of herself. “Oh, Sir Brent, you poor thing. You must really love the man to let him bring girl cooties into your house."

"Yes, I suppose I do. Now that I've shared, it's your turn. Please, tell me how you're doing."

"I... well. I started dating awhile back, but it was all vanilla stuff. I mean, Garnet's the one who brought out my submission, I didn't think I could ever submit to anyone else, but I've realized vanilla sex isn't going to do it for me, and I was contemplating the possibilities of finding a sadist who wasn't interested in the D/s aspects when I met a Dom. Kind of by chance."

She sighed. “We went out a few times, and I submitted to him last weekend, but now... I don't know. I like him, but I feel like I need more experience—more
something —
before I head into another relationship. Does that make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense. I think you should Top someone, to see how it is, get a feel for it. “

"Oh, gee. No, I don't think so. I wouldn't mind bottoming without submitting, but I'm not interested in Topping."

"Maybe not, but I believe you'd benefit from the perspective. Once you understand what it takes to Top, and can appreciate the emotional differences of Topping versus bottoming, I'm certain it will dissolve some of the conflict you're feeling. But, of course, it's entirely up to you. Do you have plans for the weekend? We're going to the club Saturday evening—if you'd like to drive up early we can talk, have dinner, and you can go as our guest. We have a spare bedroom you're more than welcome to, if you'd like to spend the night before returning home the next day."

"Oh, Sir Brent. That's a very generous offer.” She thought fast, deciding what she was comfortable with. “What if I drive up and spend part of the day with you, decide if I'm up for visiting the club once I'm there? If I am then great, if not I'll head home. I'd love to hang out with you, catch up on lost time, and meet your new... what do I call him? Boyfriend? Partner? Submissive?"

She could hear the gentle smile in his voice as he said, “His name is Jacob, and you can call him any of those things. They're all true, in one way or another."

[Back to Table of Contents]

Dana changed outfits three times before taking the elevator downstairs and crossing the alley into Coolidge Park. She needed to dress nice for the restaurant, but didn't want to look sexy, and her business clothes were too professional for a date. She finally settled on taupe dress pants, a cream-colored flowing silk shirt, and a knee length burnt sienna cashmere cardigan sweater. It wasn't until she was passing the mirror on her way out the door that she realized she wasn't wearing any color, and realized it fit her mood.

Zach was watching the kids on the carousel when she walked up and he gave her a tentative smile, as if he wasn't sure how to greet her. She felt guilty for putting that look on his face, but she didn't know how to greet him, either. She chose the easy route. “Hungry?"

"I could eat. How was your day?"

"It was... you know what? It was better than the other days this week. Thank you for giving me some space. I'm sorry I hurt you by taking it, and I'm not promising I won't need more while I figure a few things out, but I'll explain where my head is right now, and trust you'll understand. Do you think we can work with that?"

His gaze flickered over her face, his eyes considering. “Yes, I'm pretty sure we can. Let's walk down to the Delta Queen. As much as I enjoy the carousel, I'm fascinated by this old boat."

"I think
boat
is an understatement."

"Point. You sound better today than you did yesterday on the phone."

"I
am
better. Garnet's mother came to my office after I talked with you. I hadn't returned her calls either, and she's not one to cotton to being ignored. She told me Marcie was wrong, apologized on her behalf, said she was glad I'm finally moving on, and gave me her blessings. It lifted this huge weight off my heart—I hadn't realized how much I needed to hear it from her.” She paused as kids ran in front of them, chasing a runaway hula-hoop. “I also made a few decisions, but let's get seated before I go into them. How's your wind-power project coming?"

"I've put it to the side while I explore the light-bulb moment I had over the weekend. It's come together fast, and I'm writing proposals already, with one functioning prototype built, and a way to build it better, I think."

"Oh wow! That's great. Congrats."

They walked across the permanent pier onto the ship, making their way to the restaurant. Dana was fascinated by the old riverboat—the people who'd been on it, the craftsmanship that'd gone into building it. She was busy looking around, admiring the woodwork, when Zach said, “It's too bad she can't carry passengers anymore. I understand the need for fire codes, but when they put a piece of history out of business, it's just sad. I'm glad the owners found a way to keep her in service, even if she is just a floating hotel these days."

Their talk remained casual as they made their way to the restaurant and were seated. Zach ordered a bottle of wine, and their waiter brought it out with a flourish, doing the formal wine presentation thing. They placed their orders and were finally left alone, with silence between them.

Dana took a sip of her wine and began. “It's probably important you understand one of the reasons I bolted is because my feelings for you are so strong. If I just liked you a little, could only see this working out for a few months, I'm pretty sure I'd be fine with the whole thing."

Zach leaned back, his body language placing more distance between them. “But you aren't fine with it."

"The next thing you need to understand is what I must do to be comfortable with it. After much deliberation, I've decided it's not my intention to play the coward and be too scared to take a chance."

She took a breath, steadying herself. “However, I
am
afraid, and I have a few other concerns I should share with you.” She paused, contemplating the best way to explain. “Look, you know what it's like, being half of a unit and then forced to reconstruct yourself as a complete person again—to not be part of a couple anymore, don't you?"

He considered her words a moment and nodded. “I'm not sure I thought of it in those terms, exactly, but yes, I can see how that's part of it."

His voice was still cold, but she couldn't blame him. She'd hurt him, and it was up to her to repair the damage. “It was substantial for me, and it's only been in the past eight or ten months I've felt I was succeeding. It isn't as if Garnet managed my career, or told me what to do twenty-four/seven, but I had no idea how much I talked to him, how often he gave me advice. But, it's more than that. It's like he was a huge pillar in my life, his mere presence behind me gave me strength and courage. I had to strengthen my own backbone, so it could be my support."

She shook her head. “I'm not saying this right. I'm making it sound like I was a weakling who depended on him for sustenance, and that's not it. He was always there, in case I needed to lean on him, and when he wasn't there anymore, it wasn't just having the rug pulled out from under me, it was having the roof over my head and the walls around me disappear as well."

Zach leaned forward, placing his hand over hers. “I understand. Bethany was my support in many ways, too. When I was frustrated, she knew how to help me vent my frustrations, when I was sad she understood when to let me wallow and just hold me, and when to nicely make me stop feeling sorry for myself. I had no idea how much she helped me deal with everyday life until she wasn't there to do it anymore. I was her twenty-four/seven Owner, I dictated almost everything to her, and yet she was also my support. Without her, I started working out a whole lot more; it was the only way I could deal with some of my emotions."