Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls (10 page)

Chapter twenty

I have a confession to make.

“I’m done being the ‘screw around and screw off’ girl,” I tell Rachel.

She freezes and looks up warily from her laptop, where she’s been researching facts about the Spanish Civil War while sprawled on her bed.

If I hadn’t said I’d come over for a homework jam, I would totally have gone back to Sam’s because I haven’t laughed that hard with someone in a while and that in itself was kind of a turn-on.

“Because you’re pregnant and scared to keep having sex?” she asks.

“How do you come up with this stuff?”

“Finally came to your senses then? I thought it was going to take more than two guys, but I’m glad it was sooner rather than later.”

I start to correct her before remembering that first rule of Sam club is, there is no Sam.

“No. It’s just, you know how Adam was over when Sam showed up being an idiot?”

She nods.

“He wasn’t there for a booty call.” I hang my head in shame. “He was there for a date.”

Silence. Which grows more drawn out and super awkward so I risk glancing up only to find Rach staring at me like I’m an idiot.

“Say something,” I tell her.

“Uh, you’re a loser and deserve to die?”

“Be serious.”

“Serious. What’s the biggie?” She is obviously confused.

“I wanted to go out with him. Not just have sex. Sex is great but it’s like dessert. And I’m a girl with a healthy appetite. I want dinner too. Thing is, does that conflict with my other stated desire of dominance?”

“Are you in love?”

“No.”

“Planning on marrying him?”

“We’re just two people having fun whose activity base has been widened.”

“You’re all good then.”

I study her expression carefully. “Are you saying that to be supportive or because you didn’t think I could do it either?”

“You did do it. Yay you. You proved whatever you needed to and didn’t have to sleep with all the guys in a hundred mile radius to do it.”

She sits up and stretches out her shoulders. “What I never got was why you wanted to. You want more than a random hookup. That’s who you are. It hardly makes you a loser. You and Jer had run your course. That’s all. Doesn’t mean another guy won’t hugely appreciate you.”

“It wasn’t about any other guy. It was about me becoming empowered,” I retort.

She snorts in disdain as she re-pins her large white flower barrette back in place. “Cut the crap, cuz. You’re already empowered. That whole screwing around business was you wanting to make sure you could get out first. It was about power, plain and simple. Fine. Now you are ready to return to your normal programming. Even better. Carry on.”

She returns her attention to her laptop.

I think over what she’s just said and realize she’s right and had been from the start.

My breakup pain has faded enough to admit that this whole idea came out of my feeling hurt and betrayed. And more than a little upset at how much I’d let myself come second to Jeremy in the relationship.

Maybe it’s not about dominance and submission, but equality. I want more from a guy. And want to give more in return. Even if we’re just having fun and it’s not serious.

“While I’ll concede you’re right,” I begin.

“A given,” she mutters.

“And that Adam is an interest that I would like to make an activity, he thinks I’m some psycho chick with herpes who was trying to get knocked up. How do we get past that?”

“Simple. Blame it on Sam.”

Yikes. Sam. What do I do about him? I can’t date Adam even casually and continue to sleep with Sam. It wouldn’t be fair to him.

Either “him.”

“It’s a plan,” I agree and get my cutest, girliest voice ready to go call Adam.

I should come clean about my real I.Q., too, but while I’ll take a shot at actual dating, I’d still feel better doing it as my dumber, hotter alter-ego.

Baby steps.

~

Adam proves remarkably receptive to my call, so I’ve come to the Conservatory to meet him. I love this place. It’s a large dome made up of many panes of glass.

Inside are paths that wind through dazzling displays of exotic plants, tropical flowers, colorful Koi fish, and eye-catching birds.

Sam and I have come here billions of times. Which is why, when he called to see if I wanted to hang out, I suggested this place. That and I’m meeting Adam here soon.

Might as well have a soothing atmosphere to break the news that I’m not going to be following his plan anymore. Or sleeping with him.

For some reason, I’m very nervous about telling him about either point. That I’ll have disappointed him.

I feel like Sam really wanted me to pull this off. As if I was some kind of emblem for all girls of the monogamous variety. And through me, there was something he could prove.

Since I’m polite, and a bit of a coward, I’ve been letting him finish up his story about Attila, even though a glance at my watch shows that Adam is going to be here any minute.

“Damn cat gave me a heart attack,” Sam says. “I searched for half an hour before I realized she’d not only gotten out but somehow climbed up onto my neighbor’s balcony and was stuck.”

“You love her.”

“She’s a pain in the ass.”

Here’s my chance. I’ll tell him. I open my mouth but before I can speak I hear Adam say—

“There you are.”

“Adam,” I coo.

Sam shoots me a “what was that?” look. Then frowns as he takes in my wide eyes and grin for Adam.

I twirl a piece of hair in what I hope is an adorable manner, trying to be at my least threatening for my date.

Not a herpes-ridden teen mom wannabe. See?

“You made it,” I gush. As Adam comes up beside Sam, I can’t help comparing the two boys that I’m doing. Was doing.

And getting a slight thrill out of the fact that I have two.

Had two.

One dark, one fair-haired, both cute boys, Adam would probably be considered the more conventionally better looking of the two. But Sam is also wicked charming. So bonus appeal points for that one.

If I was still counting.

Besides, Sam’s lacking charm at the moment, as his face is scrunched up in an incredulous wince.

Adam notices Sam and sticks out his hand to shake. “Nice to meet you properly, Sam,” he says.

I telepathically will Sam to be nice this time.

“You too,” Sam replies as he returns the shake. “Sorry about the joke. No hard feelings.”

I practically groan in relief.

“Naw,” Adam tells him. “I’d be jealous of Ally spending time with another guy, too.”

“And yet you look just fine with it,” Sam says with a bit of an edge.

Adam blinks in confusion, then grins. “You mean you. Good one. But you don’t count.”

Sam doesn’t seem too impressed at that interpretation.

I step between them and act all giggly. “He means since you’re my best friend,” I tell Sam.

Sam’s eyes narrow but he doesn’t say anything.

“You guys come here often?” Adam wants to know.

“When we can’t download porn, we come to see the parrots hooking up,” Sam deadpans.

I snort my laughter. Sam cracks a grin at me.

Adam looks blank.

Whoops. Damage control. Alter Ally doesn’t laugh like that.

“As a sign of affection,” I begin in my breathy voice, “two parrots will….” I trail off, unsure how to explain it without coming across like I have a brain. “Nevermind,” I singsong cheerily.

Adam slings an arm around me. “Ready to go?”

Sam is surprised.

I gingerly slide myself out from Adam’s arm. “Just one sec, okay?”

“No prob. Nice meeting you, Sam.” Adam moves off to wait for me.

“You’re seeing him again?” Sam accuses before I can explain what I’ve been feeling. “I thought you weren’t getting involved.”

He sounds so judgmental that I can’t bring myself to fess up.

“This is hardly involved,” I say breezily “He’s fun. This is just….”

“Fun?”

“Yes.”

He mimics my breathy voice and wide eyes. “Go have fun with Adam.” He pretends to twirl a lock of hair.

I glare at him.

“He’s so exciting,” Sam says in a stupid falsetto, “my I.Q. goes down ten points around him.”

“Shut up. I look good. I’m stupid. What guys want.”

“Not all of us,” he replies.

“Really? Because you have stimulating conversations with females?”

“I do with you.”

“I don’t count. And you just proved my point.”

I hug him and head off toward Adam.

I’ll tell Sam tomorrow. Tonight, I just have to get through my date.

Without being me.

Chapter twenty-one

Ally has a point. I don’t hang out and chat with other girls unless it’s a precursor to something else. But if she’s going to keep up this social schedule of hers and leave me out in the cold, it seems I’m going to have to mix things up.

Which is how I find myself at the bowling alley, lacing up my shoes with Nikki.

“I’ve gotta say, I was really surprised you called me to go bowling,” Nikki informs me. “And it wasn’t a euphemism for anything. You and that girl have a fight?”

I watch the screen light up with our names. “Ally? No. Why?”

“I dunno.” She picks up her ball and waits for the pins at the end of the lane to set themselves. “You two always hang.”

“You and I had fun together that night, right?” I ask, scoping out her fine ass in tight jeans.

“Yeah.”

“Why not hang out then. As friends?”

I’m not sure if she’s considering what I said or ignoring it as she focuses on the far end and lets her ball go.

“Was she busy?”

She knocks down the pin on the left.

“Nikki…”

“Alright. I’m dropping it.”

She takes her other turn. Gutter ball.

It’s going to be a long game.

To add some fun into it, I pick up a ball and do my Fred Flintstone move.

“Sti-rike,” I call, releasing the ball.

To my total shock, I actually land a strike.

“Ha! Did you see that? Mock at your peril…” I trail off, remembering that I’m not with Ally. Also, Nikki is staring at me like I’m mental.

“Have you never bowled a strike?” she asks.

“Forget it.”

I sit down and let her take her turn.

She picks up the ball and pretends to rub it vigorously, while tossing off Jesus Quintana quotes in a Cuban-American accent.

Now it’s my turn to stare.

“
Big Lebowski
. It’s this movie.”

I nod. “I know. The theatre where I work had a special screening a couple months ago because the owner loves it. I just wouldn’t have pegged you for a Coen Brothers fan.”

She shrugs. “My dad really loves them. Got me into them. I’m not big on their stuff after
O Brother
, though.”

“Not even
No Country For Old Men
?” I ask her, amazed that we have this of all things in common.

“Haven’t seen it. Maybe after we could go watch it together,” she suggests.

“Sounds good.”

And it is. Which is exactly what I’m trying to tell Ally the next day after school on our way to my place to do homework.

“You really hung out with Nikki?”

“For the seventieth time. Yes. We did a Coen Brothers marathon.”

“That must have been fun for everyone,” she says snarkily.

“It was. She loves them. We had a cool night.”

Ally doesn’t look too thrilled to hear that. Which is weird, since me being friends with other girls was her idea.

“Huh. I mean, she sounds great. You just don’t usually hang out with girls you sleep with.”

“You got me thinking,” I tell her. “Maybe I
should
be friends with some of them. Have stimulating conversations. You’re evolving. I’m evolving.”

“Evolving takes time,” she says crossly. “It’s a process, not a destination.”

But I’m psyched about this idea and keep riffing off it. “We’re the poster children for modern relations between the sexes.”

“Well, in our case, it’s kind of easy,” she says. “I mean I know you way too well to ever consider an actual relationship with you. Can you imagine?”

We walk past the first of three identical houses, located right before mine, that are fronted by white picket fences. Ally peers at me as if she expects an answer.

I blink because I’ve just seen Ally and me pop up in the first yard. I shake my head sharply but the hallucination doesn’t go away.

The me in the yard is fixing my bike. Ally wears headphones and waters the garden.

I start as the real Ally’s voice keeps talking.

“The wedding would be a fiasco as all your past conquests pack the church, weeping about their loss of your magical penis,” she tells me.

I try to keep up a bantering tone with her, even though I’m still confused about what I’m seeing.

“I’d be generous,” I front. “Maybe do a couple of them to put them out of their misery. Right before I said my vows of course.”

My hallucination self sneaks up behind the hallucination Ally, grabs the hose, and fires it at her.

“No doubt,” real Ally says.

We pass the first yard. I glance back but the vision is gone.

I relax as we pass the second yard because it’s clear.

That’s because apparently we were fooling around in the car parked at the curb this time. Hallucination Ally and I pop up in the front seat. Our hair is disheveled and our clothes are misbuttoned.

What the hell is going on?

Real Ally hasn’t noticed anything weird because she’s rambling on with her little spiel.

“Then you’d knock me up,” she says.

“What?” I ask, a little sharply.

She frowns. “After we’re married.”

“Oh. Right.”

“I’d be left alone to raise your spawn,” she continues. “Meanwhile you’re gadding about, spreading your seed, while I pass my peak sexual years trying to entice delivery boys inside for a series of free meals.”

I’d laugh except I’m freaking out at the sight of me pulling a grinning Ally toward me and out of view of the car window.

I crane forward. What are we doing down there? I can’t see inside far enough.

And I’m becoming aware of real Ally standing beside me, glowering at me.

Is she waiting for me to say something? “Think of the ethnic variety though,” I shoot back.

I’m starting to panic. Am I going insane? Over Ally? The final house we pass features the two of us, cuddled in the yard in a hammock. Just being close.

“You and me,” Ally says beside me. “Day in, day out, for the rest of our lives. Till death do us part.”

My hallucination self freezes in mid-stroke of Ally’s hair at those words.

I’m having trouble breathing and my alternate self isn’t looking too good either because he bolts from the hammock, dislodging alter-Ally and racing out of the yard.

I think I might pass out.

“Yeah,” I say, as we head up my front walk. “That would be a total disaster.”

To put it mildly.