Sanctity (4 page)

“Do you?”  She was trying to puzzle out
my meaning while weighing the possibility of what I might indeed
know.

“I’m sorry, Margaret but I...I must have
fallen asleep in the shower and somehow…I don’t know if it was a
dream, or if it was real.”  I couldn’t hold back the flood of
tears and they started steaming down my cheeks.

She took a step towards me to comfort me but
having been accosted with so many horrible revelations I fretfully
pulled away. 

I turned and slumped down onto the bed
burying my face in my hands.  I did not hear Michael through
my sobs but he came into the room and wrapped his arms around
me.  I threw myself around his neck and gave complete abandon
to my heartache.  He tenderly picked me up and cradled me
close then motioned to Margaret to leave us alone so that I could
spend my grief.  I thought I could feel his tears mingling
with mine and it gave me the impression that he was sharing my
sorrow with me, attempting to take some of the weight of it from me
and trying to lessen the anguish I felt. 

“Elayna, I am so, so sorry I couldn’t save
them,” he released the hold he had on my memories and I was able to
recall everything from the moment I met him with perfect
clarity.  “I loved them, too,” he whispered “I couldn’t tell
you what happened but I knew if I let you, you would see.” 
His voice cracked with regret bringing on a new wave of emotions
from me.

“Oh,” I whispered through my tears.
 Suddenly I knew, knew everything. My lips trembled, “No,” I
screamed, “No, no, no!!” In a voice I didn’t know I was capable
of.  “It’s your fault!  You killed them, you killed
them!  I hate you,” I sobbed, “I hate you,” I tried to fight
myself free from his grip.  I tried to hit him and kick him
all the while screaming “I hate you, I hate you,” but Michael just
held me tighter.  After a moment my voice faltered, “I hate…”
and I fell limply against his shoulder knowing full well there was
no truth behind my words.

“You should hate me,” he whispered. 
“Please hate me.”

“I can’t,” I whimpered.

“It’s too late isn’t it?  I have done
something unforgiveable to you,” he said.

I thought that he was talking about my
parents but sensed that there was more to his meaning as well,
something I was just too overwhelmed to understand.  The
minutes ticked by and though it seemed our emotions had worn
themselves out we were still clinging to one another, neither
willing to break the peace that was descending on us.

He was right, it was too late.  I
thought about everything that had happened and despite it all and
all the blame I could place on Michael, “I love you,” I whispered
against his shoulder. 

“Oh,” he moaned and stroked my hair as he
held me, “I love you, too,” the words reluctantly escaped his
lips.

Hearing him say it brought me back to the
day we met and how Michael and I became so important to one
another. 

My mother had taken me back to school
shopping and I was worn out from standing near her and from trying
on clothes all day.  I was seven years old and just about to
start second grade. The mall was very crowded that day and I was
terribly uncomfortable being there with so many strange people
around.  I was curious, though, and couldn’t seem to keep my
gaze from wandering from one person to the next. 

As my mother moved between the racks of
clothing I followed along behind her.  At one point we were
facing the main doorway to the store and I could see a wide
lobby-like area just beyond with a stonewalled fountain that had a
number of sturdy, metal benches encircling it.  By then just
about anything was more interesting to me than shopping so while my
mother flipped through the various outfits I kept my eye on the
fountain and watched the water as it sprouted up and crashed back
down into its pool. 

I didn’t notice Michael sitting there at
first but as my mom moved away from the entrance I turned to follow
her and heard his voice calling my name.  At first I thought
it was my mother but when I looked up to ask her what she wanted
she began to move towards the next rack and started
sifting through the clothes that were hanging there.

I decided that I must have been mistaken but
then I heard the voice again and I realized that it wasn’t a
woman’s voice and that I didn’t actually hear it out loud.  It
seemed like someone was whispering in my head and that they were
looking for me.  I felt a strange sensation when I heard it,
too, like an invisible thread had reached out and attached itself
to me.  I had an overwhelming urge to follow it knowing it
would lead me to whomever it was that wanted me.

As I glanced around wondering where it could
have come from I noticed that my mom had moved to yet another rack
of clothing.  I stepped into the aisle and I was about to
follow her when I heard the voice a third time.  I turned and
instead of following my mother I walked toward the front doorway of
the store.  Just as I was about to step through the threshold
I saw Michael sitting on the fountain’s wall and when he saw me
looking at him he smiled.  I immediately knew that he was the
one who was looking for me so I found my courage and made my way
towards him.

 “Did you call me?” I asked as I
stopped and stood directly in front of him.

 He tilted his head and looked me over
while a slight frown played on his features.  I was mesmerized
looking at him and couldn’t help thinking that he must be someone
magical, like a prince or an angel or some other storybook
hero.  I tried very hard not to smile.  

“Elayna?” I heard his voice in my head
again.

“Yes,” I said out loud.

“Huh,” he mumbled. 

He looked over my shoulder.  My mother
was hurrying towards us with a fearful and anxious
expression.  I knew that I had done something very wrong
walking away from her in the mall but I just couldn’t seem to stop
myself.

“Elayna,” she took my hand, “honey, you
scared me!  You know you're supposed to stay right beside me
when we are out like this!”  She wasn’t yelling but there was
a sternness in her voice that I didn’t often hear.

I tried to explain to her that I was making
a new friend and I motioned to where Michael was sitting on the
wall.

“I’m sorry,” he stood up, “I’m sure she
didn’t mean to frighten you.  I think she just wanted to see
the fountain up close,” he cast a private grin at me, “and I just
got in the way.  I thought I would try to keep her from
wandering any further by introducing myself.”

“Oh,” she paused “that was good of you,” my
mother seemed flustered as she looked from me to him.  “Well,
thank you,” she said her voice full of relief.  She gently
took my hand and as she turned away drew me along with her. 
 

I glanced over my shoulder and concentrated
on Michael, “Goodbye,” I thought at him as hard as I could.

He grinned and raised his brows in what I
imagined to be approval and I heard his voice in my head again,
“Goodbye Elayna.”

I smiled back and followed my mom into the
store.  She still looked upset so I kept to her side and made
sure to express an interest in the clothes she was finding for
me.  I was much more enthusiastic after the encounter and the
rest of our shopping went by fairly quickly.  We found our way
back to the car and after she piled all our bags into the trunk,
she told me to buckle up and climbed into the driver’s seat.

It was only a short drive home and before
long we were pulling into the parking area for our building. 
It was still raining quite hard so my mother told me to wait while
she collected our things from the trunk then had me hop out just as
we were ready to head inside. 

We lived in a condominium at the time; about
a half an hour from the city.  It was on the second floor and
as you walked in the front door to our apartment the hallway opened
into the kitchen on one side and the dining room on the
other.  The dining room spilled into the living area and then
there was another hallway to the left that led to the two
bedrooms. 

My bedroom was the first on
the right.  It was painted a soft lavender color and unlike
the wood floors that covered the rest of the apartment, my room had
a thick, white carpet.  I remember it being super-soft and
spongy when you walked on it.  There were no windows in my
room but there was a large sliding door that led to a small
balcony.  During the day it would let tons of sunshine into my
room making it feel extra warm and cozy.  I had a tall bed
that my mom called a 
captains
bed
 because it had drawers underneath
the mattress rather than a traditional bed frame.

Directly across from my bedroom was my
bathroom and my parent’s bedroom was to the right at the end of the
hallway.  It was about twice the size as mine with its own
bathroom and separate vanity area.  There was also a big
walk-in closet that I liked to use as a fort sometimes.  My
dad worked at home every once in a while, so a corner of their
bedroom had a small office space set-up with a desk and computer
and a cabinet for storing important papers.

Once we were safely inside my mom fixed me a
snack and I asked if I could watch TV while I ate.  “You can
watch one show,” she said, “but when you're done you should put
your dishes away and find something to do in your room.”  She
paused and added with a touch of sympathy, “I’m sorry it’s still
raining, honey,” she ruffled my hair, “I know you’d rather be
outside.  I’m sure tomorrow will be better.”  She
gathered up all the bags and left me to myself while she
transferred all my new clothes to my closet.

After my show I spent most of the afternoon
using my building blocks and wondering about Michael; who he was,
how I had heard his voice and whether or not I would ever see him
again.  My father came home around dinner time and I was so
engrossed by my thoughts that I didn't notice him in my doorway.
 I jumped when I caught him standing there smiling and
watching me. “Daddy, you’re home!  You surprised me!”

He gave a little chuckle, “I’m sorry. 
Whatcha working on?” he stepped into my room.

I held up my project for him to see, “Can
you help me?”

 “Oh, no, I would but it’s just about
time to eat,” he apologized.  “Why don’t I help you clean-up
instead.”

We put all the building blocks back in their
special box and my dad tucked it onto its shelf in the
closet.  We left what I’d managed to put together so far on
the play table.  Afterwards he told me to wash up so I scooted
across the hall to my bathroom while he turned and went to his
bedroom.  My mom was laying the dinner things out when I got
to the dining room but she stopped to help me slide my chair closer
to the table as my dad joined us. 

While we ate my parents each talked about
their day.  Eventually they got around to the topic of
shopping and my dad asked whether or not we had gotten everything
we needed.

“I think so,” my mother said and gave my dad
a rundown of where we shopped and what we bought.

“Well, I’m glad that you went today, it
wouldn’t have been good for much else,” he sighed, “and it sounds
like you got quite a bit done.” 

I was surprised that my mom never mentioned
Michael but somewhat relieved as well.  I really didn't want
my dad to know that I had walked away from my mother while we were
out.  I knew he would be disappointed in me and I always felt
so badly whenever he found out that I had done something wrong.
 

My father cleared the dishes away after
dinner and my mother helped get my shower ready.  “Try not to
play too long and make sure you do a good job washing up.”

“I will,” I promised. 

After my shower I ran across the hall into
my bedroom and scrambled into the pajamas that my mother had laid
out for me. I was pretty tired by the time I was finished so after
we read a story together and my parents tucked me in I fell right
to sleep.  Several hours later I woke up; anxious and a little
afraid.  The apartment was still and dark so I knew my parents
had gone to bed.  I felt like I heard a strange noise and
wondered if that was why I had woken up.  As I strained my
eyes and ears I noticed that the blinds hanging over my slider were
being shuffled by a light breeze and that it must have been
open.  I started to get up to go and close it.

“Elayna?” Michael’s voice was in my head
again.

“Oh,” I said out loud, “it’s you.”

He stepped into my bedroom.

“Ssh,” he whispered and put his finger to
his lips to signal me to not be so loud.

My heart began to race and I couldn’t decide
if I was excited or afraid as I cautiously hopped from the
covers.  My mother always left a shoe in the doorway instead
of closing it all the way so it wouldn’t be so dark if I needed to
get up at night.  I took the shoe from the door and pulled it
closed then flipped the light switch.  As my eyes adjusted to
the brightness I stood wondering what to do. 

Michael slowly moved about my room,
examining things as he went.  A few moments later he made his
way toward my bed and took a seat on the very end.

“So, Elayna, did you get in trouble today?”
he asked me in a voice that put me completely at ease. He patted
the bed motioning me to come back. 

I climbed up and propped my pillow before
sliding my legs under the covers. “No,” I said, “but my mom told me
not to do it again.  She said that I need to be careful
because it is very scary for her when she doesn’t know where I
am.”

He nodded in understanding.

“She said that there are lots of nice people
in the world, like you but sometimes they look nice on the outside
but are not on the inside.  She said sometimes someone might
look bad but is really, really good.”