Authors: Rachelle Ayala
~ Brittney ~
Poor Ben. Every emotion’s flooding his face and he heads for the door after his brother, then stops and turns, facing me. But as soon as I move toward him, he flings his hands and says, “I’m done with talking. Let’s forget everything. Pretend nothing happened.”
Something about the way he says that pierces my heart. “How much are we pretending didn’t happen?”
“Whatever you want.” He swipes his large hand through his hair and ambles to the bedroom. “I thought I could be okay with this, but right now, it’s too much.”
I follow him like a cold and wet dog left out in the rain. “But what about us? Aren’t we going to try and work it out?”
He unzips a bag and shrugs himself into a white t-shirt, covering his delectable body. “I care about you Brittney. I really do, but I can’t have Nash hanging around acting like he’s better than me.”
“He won’t be.” I step toward him, wanting a hug. “Why can’t we be the way we were before they showed up?”
Thankfully, he wraps me in his arm and kisses the top of my head. “We can’t stay at this magical Christmas cottage forever. We have to go back to San Francisco and face all our problems.”
“I know that. But you’re going to have to get along with Nash, since he’s your brother.”
“And your best friend.” Ben’s muscles tighten. “I don’t like it and I don’t trust him. I never dreamed he would take advantage of you and hook up with you.”
“I’m over it. I was in a bad time in my life. There’s nothing like that between us now.”
Ben rubs my back and for a moment I can believe everything will be okay. If only I hadn’t seen the way he punched Nash as if he hated him, and the way Nash goaded Ben, trying to get him to react to his detriment.
“If there’s truly nothing between you,” Ben says, lifting my chin. His eyes are dark and haunting, like a man stuck in quicksand. “Then cut it all off with Nash. You don’t need him anymore. You have me and you can make other friends.”
“But … I have to think on this,” I mutter, buying more time. My heart wants to leap into his arms and please him. All our problems will be solved if only I throw Nash under the bus.
“What’s there to think? Unless …” Ben’s mouth turns into a frown and his voice roughens. “You have feelings for him.”
“Feelings, yes, but not romantic ones.” My logical mind steps in, and I stiffen my backbone. If I give in to Ben’s demands at the beginning of our relationship, I’ll have to keep doing this and lose myself until I have to check with him about everything I do.
I settle for explaining, hoping he’ll hear me out and back off. “Nash has always been a good friend since that summer we hung out together. The hookup was one blip. Nothing more. I was the one who cried on his shoulder. It was after I got kidnapped by that hacker last year. I was feeling so stupid, so low, and unattractive. Lacy had just gotten engaged, and my cousins all had hot, sexy dates.”
“In other words, he took advantage of you.” Ben’s lips snarl and he clenches his jaw.
“No, no, he didn’t. I wanted someone to make me feel like a woman. It happened, that’s all, and I’m not going to compare, but it really wasn’t anything to remember. There weren’t any sparks or anything. It was just like, well, comforting and a whole lot of nothing.”
“Is this how you’re going to describe us to another guy someday?” Ben’s eyes study me so intensely, I flinch, as if I’m a bacterium under the microscope about to be eliminated by antibiotics.
“No, Ben. You’re different. I was hoping you’d be the last guy I’ll ever be with. I love you.” My voice trails into a whisper.
Rather than softening, Ben’s face hardens. “Did you ever tell Nash you loved him?”
Why won’t he let it go? We’re doomed if everything I do is compared back to his brother.
“No, Ben, and you shouldn’t have to ask me anymore. Do I ask you about all the women you’ve had?”
“They were different.” He lets me go and walks across the bedroom, stopping in front of the knotty pine dresser. A framed picture of his grandfather and grandmother sits in the center. It was probably taken shortly before her death since she has oxygen tubes in her nose.
“Help me understand.” I creep to his side. “Why were they different?”
“I never dreamed of a life with them. I never imagined growing old with them. I didn’t make love to any of them.”
He thinks he sounds so noble. But truthfully? He used them for sex. Pointing this out now isn’t going to solve our dilemma about Nash. We were and still are friends. Maybe that’s the problem. In order to have Ben in my life, I have to get rid of Nash.
“You made love to me, Ben. No one else did.” I hug him from behind. He hasn’t told me he loves me, but everything he’s saying means I’m in his heart. That’s why he’s struggling so much.
“I wish I could believe that.” He caresses my hand, but his body language is tense.
“Then there’s nothing more I can do.” My words are sealing the doom to our love. I can’t live with myself if I let a man dictate who I can be friends with. If he wins this round, he could someday dictate the rest of my life, too. That can’t happen. I’m much too independent and need to follow my own conscience.
“So, that’s it then?” Ben’s eyebrows hook a resigned question mark. “You give up on us so easily.”
“No, Ben. I’m not giving up on us. I already told you how I feel. I love you.”
“I love you, too. It’s hard for me to say, but I do.” He reaches for me and cups my face in his large hand. “Why can’t you give me this one request? I’m willing to never touch another woman again. Why’s Nash so important to you?”
“He’s not, Ben.” I move away from him, putting distance between us as my heart crumbles into a million pieces. “But if you can’t trust me, none of this will work. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let you go.”
“You can’t mean that.” Ben’s jaw drops and panic crosses over his face before it freezes into an angry mask. “If you do that, then you don’t really love me at all.”
“Don’t presume to tell me how I feel.” My face also freezes and I grit my teeth.
“This is it? You’d give me up, but not Nash?” Ben shoves away from me. “After everything that happened here? You’d throw it all away?”
“You’re throwing it all away. You’re the one who can’t see me for who I am. You don’t trust me, because deep inside, you don’t believe I love you.”
“You’re right.” He hangs his head and grabs his duffle bag. “I’ve got a lot to do today, and I’m sure you do, too. It’s been nice indulging in a little fun while it lasted.”
I’m too shocked at the way he dismisses what we had as a “little fun” to react.
Hot tears blind my eyes as I rush into the bathroom to pack my things. Was that all I was to Ben? An indulgence? A bit of “fun” before training camp? Then it’s back to football and hot women. Only having lost his virginity, he’d be willing to go all the way and end up sharing all his forevers with someone else.
~ Ben ~
The drive back to San Francisco was the most painful thing Ben had ever endured, even worse than his rehabilitation after tearing a ligament in his knee. He and Brittney said few words, other than her giving him directions to her place.
As they drew close to her apartment, she shot him a glare. “Don’t bother getting out.”
His brother, Nash, would be there waiting, of course.
“Don’t worry. I can’t leave fast enough,” he grumbled under his breath. She was already putting all the blame of the fight on him and defending her white knight, Nash. He hoped for her sake Nash wouldn’t screw with her, then dump her high and dry. His heart twisted at the thought. Would she come running back to him? Because he would take her back, wouldn’t he?
“Good. Thanks for the little bit of fun.” She dragged out the word ‘little’ and opened the door as soon as he cut the engine.
“He’s definitely the littlest fun you’ll have.” He was quickly digging himself into a pit, but he couldn’t help it. Sarcasm beat pain any day, except it wasn’t working. The subterranean ache would blow the manhole cover off his cool athlete image any minute now.
“Shut it.” She slammed the door and opened the hatch to his camper shell.
He sat still and unmoving as she unloaded her plastic bags and walked toward her apartment door. Her Toyota was already parked outside, since her sister and her “friend” had helpfully gone and fetched it from her job.
Nash came out and lifted Big Blizzard in his cage from the back. Only Treat barked a greeting, lazily wagging his tail and accepting pats from Nash. Traitor.
Brittney had agreed to take the white cockatoo, good riddance, while Ben kept his grandfather’s basset hound, Treat, who’d better not be a turncoat if he wanted to be fed and have his belly rubbed tonight.
Ben refused to make eye contact with any of them as Nash secured the hatch to the camper shell. After glancing in the rear view mirror and spying Lacy, Nash, and Brittney enter her apartment with Big Blizzard, Ben floored the accelerator and spun his wheels eager to get as far away as possible from the only woman to ever break his heart.
~ Brittney ~
“How was the ride back?” Nash sets the birdcage on the kitchen counter and places both hands on my shoulders, looking at me as if I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
“It was okay.” I sweep his hands off me. “I need to go to Samantha’s right now.”
My emotions are in turmoil, and the ride back with Ben was pure torture. The man’s hurting, in deep pain, but he’s determined to hurt me back. Maybe I wasn’t as important to him as he’d thought. It had to have been the magic of the Christmas cottage filled with memories and love. I can’t look back now that we’re in the real world.
“Why Samantha’s?” Lacy cuts in, her brow creased with concern. “Are you really okay? What did Ben say to you? What happened?”
Nosy, nosy. All my life I had to endure Lacy poking and prodding. She even admitted to reading my journal. Is nothing sacred in our family?
Even though my heart’s shattered on the inside, the last thing I need is for Nash to unleash his charm and my sister to go into her patronizing mode of sympathy for the unpopular and dorky sister—me.
“I need to catch the hacker. Remember?” I strengthen my voice and stand up straight. “Let me feed the bird and get going.”
“Don’t tell me you and Ben are okay,” Lacy says, not hearing a word I said. “Because he looked seriously pissed off when he left. Burning rubber and all that.”
“Nah, he’s just a dumbass trying to look like a badass,” Nash said, dismissing Ben’s display of male anger. Nash hooks an arm over my shoulder, but I sidestep him.
I go to the kitchen and scrounge for food. There’s nothing truly fit for a cockatoo, but I have a bag of unsalted nuts and dried fruit. That’ll have to do before I get the parrot mix from Grandpa Powers’ pet store. Maybe Lindsay, his only remaining employee, would take him in.
“Sorry Blizzard,” I say, filling the food dish.
He bobs his head and bounces on his perch to the dish. “Hungry, hungry. Eat. Eat!”
I manage a weak smile. I’m numb, only moving like a zombie because I have to stay above water. If I let myself go, let any part of me crack, I’d shatter into a million pieces and crawl into a hole, never to see the light of day again.
Meanwhile Lacy’s at my side, hounding me, asking me to do sisterly stuff like going Christmas shopping together.
“Sorry, can’t …” I put on my most bored attitude to make her think there’s nothing to worry about. “I need to go to Samantha’s so we can track the hacker. She still has access to the ScrapCloud network. She can let me log in with her credentials.”
“Something happened after we left. Look at you. You’re shaking, pale, and hardly breathing.” Lacy is at her most persistent when she senses pain, agony, and devastation. Why can’t she put her superpowers to better use? Like hostage negotiator, romance writer, or prison psychologist?
There’s no way I’m sharing the utter devastation of having my heart ripped to pieces. The way Ben dismissed what we had after trying to manipulate me burns like acid through my gut. I have to act normal. Calm down. Not let them suspect. Besides, I don’t have the time to deal with more drama, and if I know anything, Nash is Mr. Drama King, milking every conflict to its full potential.
Holding it together, I force my vocal chords to relax, to operate mechanically as I hear myself say, “My first priority is my career. I was derelict in running off and now I really need to get back at the hackers. I’m going to Samantha’s so we can figure out how to catch the real hackers and prove my innocence.” I turn to Nash and point to him. “When I return, I expect you to be gone.”
“Why? Did my brother do something to you? Give an ultimatum? It’s him or me?” Nash gives me his surly bad boy pout—one that used to melt me into giving in. It’s not working this time.
“I’m not going to discuss it with either of you.” I rummage through the kitchen drawer for the car keys.
Lacy takes a deep breath. “Nash, it might be better if you moved out of Brittney’s apartment. She has to solve the hacker problem and also get the lewd misconduct charge dropped. She has a lot going on.”
Finally. My sister’s doing her job.
“I’m here to help.” Nash rubs my shoulder. What used to feel comforting now feels coercive. “I thought we could pick up where we left off.”
Is he trying to prove something to his brother? Come on. I’m not fooled. Nash has never been that into me. I’m just Brittney, the bestie, an apartment he can sack out at in between his drunken orgies—a place to drop off his equipment and a forwarding address for his fan mail.
“That’s not possible. Ever.” I disengage Nash’s hand from me. “There are some lines that once crossed, can’t be uncrossed.”
“Don’t tell me you’re bending to Ben’s will. I thought I meant more to you. We go back a long time.”
“We did, but we crossed a line when we slept together. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to pretend it didn’t happen, the fact remains that it did happen. Now that the gloves are off, and it’s in my face all the time, I’m not sure I can be around you without being reminded.”
“What?” Nash flings his hands in the air. “We acted as if nothing happened all year. Now, because Ben’s jealous you want to throw our friendship away?”
“I’m not throwing anything away. If you’re going to continue to use our friendship to antagonize Ben, then we don’t have much of a friendship, do we?” I blink back tears and gather my laptop bag. “I told you what I wanted, and you seem determined to ruin it.”
“You want Ben?” Nash’s eyes widen.
“Ben’s special.” I hiccup and swallow the building lump in my throat. “If you want to be in my life, you’ll have to accept it.”
“Fine. I’ll follow your agenda,” Nash says with a drawl. “But if that brother of mine ever does anything to hurt you, I’m killing him with my own bare hands.”
Right. A country-western singer against a man who tackles and slams guys to the ground for a living.
“I don’t need you meddling, Nash. Let’s take a break on the friendship bit. I need to step back and get my life back on track again. Thanks for coming to do the benefit concert. I appreciate it, but it doesn’t mean you’ll get any benefits from me.”
Nash’s face turned red to the tips of his ears. “Don’t worry. I don’t share, least of all with my brother.”
~ Ben ~
“I don’t think you’re up for drop sets today,” Alonzo, the trainer at the club, said. He helped place the barbell on the uprights. “You haven’t worked out in days. I recommend circuit sets.”
“Doing drop sets until I drop.” Ben sat up and wiped his face with a towel. “Take five pounds off.”
“I don’t agree with what you’re doing.”
“Fine. I’ll take it off myself.” Ben grabbed a pair of weights off the bar.
“This is not the way to deal with your problems,” Alonzo said. “Punishing your body. You’re supposed to be building up for training camp.”
Ben lay on the bench. “Spot me.”
He pushed through a higher number of reps until he couldn’t move the bar even an inch.
“How’s this helping?” Alonzo removed more weight and helped him push the bar up and onto the upright. “You screw off for a few days and come back to kill your muscles?”
“I don’t care.”
“Actually, I’m kicking you out of the club. You follow the rules, and that means sticking to a training plan.”
“Fuck you.” Ben threw his towel and stomped from the weight room. “Fuck all of you.”
He slammed the door to the locker room. Two faces turned toward him. Josh Carter and Greg Marsh, pro linebackers with the Oakland Brigands, sat on the bench slapping sunscreen on their arms and legs.
“What’s crawled up your craw?” Josh, the guy who was from Ben’s college, smirked. “You should have gone to the Strip Zone with us.”
“Heard your lawyer’s kissing that sexy elf’s lawyer’s butt,” Greg added. “What’s that all about? I thought she was going to sue the elf and get you off?”
“Ha, ha, get you off,” Josh said. “Or did the elf do that already?”
“Stop referring to her as the elf.” Ben slammed his locker door. It bounced back so he slammed it again. Dammit.
“Don’t tell me you boned the elf.” Greg snickered and gave him a condescendingly sympathetic leer. “Isn’t it a coincidence both of you dropped out of sight in the middle of a busy news week.”
“I don’t have time for this.” Ben changed from his gym shoes to running shoes. “Conditioning camp’s coming up.”
“He boned the elf.” Josh elbowed Greg and they both chuckled. “The elf who screwed up Santa’s Christmas list.”
“What the hell are you two talking about?” Ben wanted to wipe the smirk off their faces.
“You don’t know who she is?” Greg shook his head. “Seriously? Her company fucked up Mississippi.com’s Christmas list. Yesterday, a hacker got in, and people who bought stuff got their entire Christmas list made public. Heck, they’re suing her ass big time. She ruined everyone’s Christmas surprises. The hackers posted all the shopping lists to a website along with the email addresses of the buyers, and everyone’s searching to see what they might have gotten for Christmas.”
“Oh, and that actress who’s suing? She says her career is ruined because of the sex toy purchases.”
“Actually, my mom found out my dad’s cheating when he bought lingerie not in her size.”
“That sucks, maybe he can join the class action lawsuit.”
Ben tuned out the assholes and ran from the locker room. He didn’t even want to think about Brittney and how she’d ripped his heart to shreds when she chose Nash over him.
He hit the pavement hard and fast, running until his lungs ached for breath and his thighs screamed. He ran for miles and miles, through the Mission District, the Tenderloin, down Marina Blvd, and through Chrissy Field.
The Golden Gate Bridge loomed on the right as he clambered up the steps and turned toward the pedestrian path. The wind had picked up, cooling him from the eight-mile run, and the sun peeked from the lifting fog.
By the time he walked to the middle of the bridge, where the large suspension arches were at their lowest, he’d stopped cursing his life. Stopped feeling sorry for himself. Just a little.
He leaned over the edge and stared at the rough waters below. He’d read about people who’d stupidly jumped near one of the suspension towers and fell at the footing, not making it into the water. Talk about not being able to do anything right. He reached up and touched the heart of the bridge—the main cable which supported half of the bridge’s weight. It was alive with the life and hum of the bridge, vibrating and pulsing from the traffic clicking over the suspension joints.
But as strong as this cable was, it was only one of two. The cable on the other side of the bridge had to be equally as strong. He bent over the rail and stared at the sea below.
He’d thought Brittney and he were the perfect pair meant to be together. The way his grandparents were—helping and supporting each other as equals. Long ago, they’d brought him here and explained about the twin cables and the twin towers of the famous suspension bridge.
The towers held everything up, and the cables held everything together. Hard work and determination held things up. Friendship and love held a family together. Two equal partners and two hearts beating as one.
Ben and Brittney. It would have been perfect.