Sapphire Beautiful (20 page)

“You never invited me,” I tell her.

“I thought you might be too busy with Dante. I doubt he wants to see the Little Ballet Studio’s Annual Fall Recital. I had to promise Matt a blowjob to get him to miss the game on television tonight. Dante could have kept Matt company and you and I could have gone to the recital. I wish I would have thought of that sooner.”

“About Dante...” I interrupt.

“You two didn’t break up, did you? You seemed really cute together. In a nerdy sort of way.”

“We didn’t break up,” I tell her. Not yet anyway. “I’m pregnant.”

“What!” she screams. Then it sounds like she dropped the phone. “Oops. Sorry about that. I thought I heard you say that you’re pregnant.”

“I did and I am.”

“What!” she screams again. At least she doesn’t drop the phone this time. “How is that possible?”

“Well, when a man inserts his penis...”

“I have three kids. I’m familiar with the steps of creating them. I want to know how you created one. I thought that oven didn’t bake bread.”

“Apparently the oven is baking bread now.”

“Do you think Dante is like some kind of super fertile creature? One look into a woman’s eyes and Bam! She’s pregnant.”

“We had sex a lot and didn’t use any protection because I didn’t think it was possible for me to get pregnant. So here we are.”

“That’s heavy.”

“And you only know half of it,” I tell her.

“There’s more?”

“Oh, yes. Dante is a graduate student in the Medieval Studies department. He’s a recipient of that prestigious graduate research fellowship I was telling you about.”

“You’re not allowed to sleep with students are you? Isn’t that how Doug got into so much trouble?”

“Obviously I didn’t know he was a student when we got together. And no, we’re not supposed to sleep with students in our department. Luckily he’s not in my classes this term. And it’s a little different than Doug’s situation. I didn’t coerce Dante into having sex with me in exchange for good grades.”

“You just took his money in exchange for sex,” she reminds me.

“He’s on his way over. He told his parents last night. I’m pretty sure they tried to convince him to end things with me. They may have even succeeded. I told Dante I don’t expect anything from him. I know he’s young. He just started grad school. If he wants to make a clean break I understand and I’m willing to accept that.”

“Do you love him?” she asks.

“Yes,” I admit. “But I also don’t want him, or anyone else, to think I’m some gold-digging whore who would try to trap him by getting pregnant.”

“Who would think that?” Her question actually sounds sincere.

“His entire family. His siblings actually had a bet on how long it would take me to get pregnant. His sister won. But even she was surprised that I worked that fast with my gold digging and whoring.”

“Wow...” is all she says.

“And we won’t even get into the fact that I’ll be submitting my tenure application in less than a month. I’m considering affixing a giant scarlet A for adulterer right on the cover page. Pregnant with a graduate student’s baby can be the first line on my vitae.”

“You were supposed to be the sane and rational sister,” she says. “This is some fucked up shit.”

“That’s exactly what it is,” I agree.

“Mommy said a bad word!” I hear Ruby scream in the background.

“Babe,” I hear Matt say. “We’ve really got to go.”

“Can I call you tomorrow?” she asks.

“Sure. Dante’s unlocking the door so I should go.”

“Wait. Unlocking like he has a key to your place?”

“Recital time,” I tell her before I end the call.

Dante does not look happy when he enters. My heart nearly sinks to the floor. When he doesn’t take me into his arms, or hug me, or even kiss me I know something is definitely wrong.

“How did things go with your parents?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

My chest tightens. “Sorry for what?”

When he looks at me his eyes are moist. “My dad asked me if you were a professor in the Medieval Studies Department. It was obvious he already knew. I told him we met before I started the research fellowship, but I don’t think he believed me.

“Oh, God.” My knees go weak and I feel like I’m going to pass out. “I need to sit down.”

I just about make it to the couch in the living room before my legs give out.

Dante takes a seat in the chair; he doesn’t sit next to me on the couch.

“My dad donated a lot of money to the university for the research fellowship. He’s gotten a lot of publicity from it. I know he doesn’t want to embarrass himself so I’m not too worried about him divulging the secret. But he did threaten to if I didn’t end things with you.”

I cover my face with my hands. This really isn’t the way I imaged things would end.

“I don’t know if I can do it.” Tears are now streaming down his face. “I know you’ve worked really hard and the last thing I want to do is ruin your career, but I’m not sure I can let you go.”

“It’s for the best.” When my voice cracks I do my best not to break down into a sobbing heap.

He reaches into his pocket and removes the key to my townhouse that I had made for him. Ever so carefully he places it on the coffee table.

We both stare at it for a long moment.

When I look over at Dante he looks like a shell of his former self. Like someone sucked all of the life right out of him. I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.

I’ve broken the person I was supposed to love.

He wipes at a tear that has escaped down his face, “I’ll always love you.”

“I know,” I sniffle.

Closing his eyes he says, “Do you have any idea how badly I want to touch you right now?”

I want to say, “Probably as badly as I want you to touch me,” but I refrain. I give a simple nod instead.

“I’d better go.” He rises from the chair. “My parents took the keys to my car. They made my brother drive me over here so there was no way I could stay.”

“Goodbye, Dante.”

He shakes his head before he hurries out the door.

I
gag as I put a toothbrush in my mouth. Brushing my teeth has proven to be problematic. Every time I attempt to clean my teeth I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I don’t want to deal with it so I give my mouth a quick rinse with mouthwash and wash my face.

“You look like shit,” I tell my reflection in the mirror.

“I feel like shit too,” my reflection replies.

I’ve still got the sapphire necklace Dante gave me around my neck. I know I need to take it off, but it makes me sad to consider. I decide to keep it on for one more night and take it off in the morning.

***

“W
hat’s going on?” Lucy enters my office and closes the door behind her.

I’m doing my best trying to put together my tenure application packet, but my mind keeps wandering. I’m haunted by the look on Dante’s face when he told me that he’d always love me. He looked so lost. And I feel so empty every time I play the image back in my mind.

I glance up from my laptop and heave a sigh.

“You look worse every time I see you.” She takes the seat opposite me. Her eyes are filled with concern.

“Dante and I aren’t going to see each other anymore.”

Her eyes immediately move to my chest, where the sapphire necklace once lay. “What about the baby?”

“I guess I’m going to be a single mommy. It’s not ideal, but it’s the only sensible thing to do. There’s no way we could actually be together. Not if I expect to keep my job.”

“I could still introduce you to my cousin,” she offers.

“Right.” I give a sarcastic laugh. “Great way to start a relationship. I can just see our first date. ‘I’m a professor. I love rock music and reading. And I’m pregnant with another man’s baby.’”

“It’s not ideal,” she mimics me.

I roll my eyes at her. “It’s ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as Andrew telling me he wants to take care of me.” 

Her eyes widen. “He did?”

“He did.”

“Wow, he must really have the hots for you. Are you going to take him up on the offer?”

“No!”

“Why not?” She throws right back at me.

Unfortunately I don’t have a good retort. So I just say, “It’s not right.”

“And it’s not right for little Mr. Silver Spoon to knock you up and leave you holding the bag either.”

“I let him off the hook,” I tell her. “I didn’t want him to feel like I trapped him and he didn’t want me to lose my job.”

Mutually assured destruction.

“Whatever you need, you know you can count on me. I won’t abandon you.”

“Dante didn’t abandon me. We just can’t be together. It’s complicated.”

“You have a lot more incentive now to do everything you can to get tenure. You’re going to be supporting two.”

I point to my laptop. “Then I’d better get at it.”

***

A
s I’m getting ready to leave for the day I spot Dante and Andrew walking down the hallway. I glance around for someplace to hide, but unfortunately I’m not quick enough. They both spot me.

Talk about incredibly awkward. Andrew is the only person in my life who knows I’m pregnant, but doesn’t know who the father is. And of course Dante knows he’s the father, but he can’t let on in front of Andrew.

“Dr. Pine,” Andrew greets me formally, as is our custom when we’re with students.

“Dr. Madden.” I give him a quick nod.

“You remember Dante McNally,” he says. “He’s been doing a tremendous amount of research for me and he’s one of the best students I’ve ever had. Every one of his assignments has been absolutely perfect. I have no idea how he has much time for anything else.”

I choke.
He had plenty of time to knock me up
.

Dante’s eyes immediately land on my collarbone where the sapphire necklace he gave me once sat. It’s now sitting in its velvet box in the top drawer of my dresser.

The pain I see when I look into his eyes is almost unbearable.

“I really should get home.” I glance at my wrist even though I forgot to put on my watch. “I’ve got quite a few papers to grade.”

“Do you need help?” Dante blurts.

Andrew and I both look at him.

“I mean, with your research,” he stammers. “I’d like to have a variety to research experiences on my vitae.”

“Dante has done so much work for me so quickly he’s put himself out of a job temporarily. At least until I can get caught up with everything he’s found.”

“Misty is working with me on my book proposal.”

I believe that will put an end to the idea of Dante working with me until Andrew snaps his fingers. “What about that grant you were considering? Dante could work on the application, under your guidance, of course.”

I did push the grant aside when I made the arrangement, but it was something I was interested in pursuing. We’ll probably only have to meet a few times and I can keep it professional. I won’t even close the door when he’s in my office.

“Fine,” I agree. When I look at Dante the tiniest bit of sparkle has returned to his otherwise dead eyes. “When would you like to meet?”

“Tomorrow afternoon?” he suggests.

“I’ll be in my office.”

The three of us stare at each other for what feels like forever.

“I’d better get going then,” I state.

“I’ll walk with you for a while,” Andrew says. Then as an afterthought, clearly for Dante’s benefit he says, “So we can discuss the class assignments for next semester.”

Dante stares at me for a few long moments, almost as if he’s trying to absorb me with his eyes. It’s still hard for me to believe he won’t be staying with me tonight, or any night from now on.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. Pine.”

I nod. “See you tomorrow, Dante.”

I watch as Dante walks away, his head hung low, and disappears down the hallway.

“That kid is amazing,” Andrew comments as we head in the opposite direction.

As much as I’d like to tell Andrew that Dante’s not a kid, that he’s the father of my child, he’s still only twenty-two and he’s still a first semester graduate student.

And he’s still living under his parents’ roof and obeying their directives.

He’s not fully an adult either.

“I’ve been at the university for a decade. I’ve worked with hundreds of graduate students. Dante’s far beyond every one of them. Not just in his writing and critical thinking skills, but in his sheer depth of knowledge. Honestly, I’m a little intimidated by him.”

“He’s an asset to the department,” I reply because I’m not sure what else to say.
He’s not as intimidating when he’s naked
. 

Andrew’s eyes narrow. “I realize you haven’t had him in class yet, but you don’t sound too keen on him.”

“I’m sure he’ll do a great job on the grant application.” I try to sound as enthusiastic as possible.

Andrew stops right in front of me. “This is about your baby isn’t it?”

I gulp. There’s no way he could know about Dante, is there? “What do you mean?”

“The father. He’s stepping out on you, isn’t he?”

I nod.

“What a prick.”

I shake my head. “It was a mutual decision to end things.”

Andrew wags a finger in my face. “There’s nothing
mutual
about a decision like that. He’s legally responsible for your baby. Are you going to get a paternity test? Take him to court?”

I shake my head. “No, nothing like that.”

Andrew looks like he wants to say more, but he presses his lips together instead.

We walk in silence for a little while. Then Andrew says, “I meant what I said. About being there for you.”

“It’s not your responsibility, Andrew.”

“I know. But I care about you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

When I realize we’re moving in the opposite direction from the parking lot I stop. “You’re parked on campus. You don’t have to walk me all the way to my house. It’s ridiculous.”

“Walk me to my car then and I’ll drop you off at your place.”

I nod and we head toward the parking lot instead. Andrew drives an older model Subaru Forrester. It’s a sensible car, a car one would expect a college professor to drive. Out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of Dante on the other side of the parking lot, heading toward a Toyota Prius. To my surprise he unlocks the car and gets inside.