“We should leave,” she whispered.
“Your arm is bleeding again. The first aid kit is in the kitchen. I’ll fix it up outside.”
“Its new cuts,” she managed, her fingers still clamped tightly over her arm.
Rain poured down as they reached the back door, so instead she sat in the kitchen whilst Aaron cleaned and bandaged her arm. Chanting echoed down the hallway, the rhythmic rising and falling grating on her mind. She grew more and more uncomfortable with the idea of Aaron staying here on his own.
“You can’t stay here, Aaron.”
“I have no choice. I’ll sleep in the barn tonight. In Mum’s studio.”
She caught his hand, running her thumb over his knuckles. “Come back to mine. You’ll be safe there.”
“Is that how you enticed Ted?” His eyes narrowed and his voice hardened.
“What?” She pulled free, yanking down her ripped sleeve. Shock ran through her. Had she heard him right?
“I know about him.”
“I know you do, because I told you all there was to know about Ted myself, including the fact I went out with him.”
He slammed the first aid box shut. His tone turned accusing. “Not everything.”
“I’m sorry.” She jumped, fear running through her. She pushed the chair back a little, glancing to the door. Could she get out before he hurt her?
“You missed out the sleeping together bit. And the abortion.”
Meggie felt sick at the disgust on his face. How did he know about the baby? No one knew, aside from her immediate family. “I most definitely
didn’t have an abortion
, that’s why.”
“But you’re not denying sleeping with him.” Anger filled his voice and his hands clenched.
She shivered. “I didn’t sleep with him. He didn’t ask, and I wouldn’t have anyway.”
“Can’t you be honest with me just once?” He straightened, steel flashing in his cold, hard expression.
She twisted her hands, wanting to run. “What do you want me to say?” she whispered.
“Admit what you did,” he yelled. His voice mixed with the chanting, almost rising and falling in time with it.
“I didn’t do it. I can’t admit something I didn’t do.”
He leaned on his forearms across the table at her, raising his voice. “How can I trust you if you lie to me?”
“I’m not lying.” Her voice shook and tears pricked her eyes. The change in him was incredible. “Why won’t you believe me? I love you.”
“If you loved me, you’d be honest. Tears won’t work. Not with me.”
She rubbed her eyes. “Gareth is staying at mine tonight. We wouldn’t have been alone, you could have the sofa. I wasn’t propositioning you, but you don’t believe me.”
“I think you should leave now.”
“OK,” she whispered. She picked up her jacket and shoved her arms into it. Pain shot through her, but she ignored it. She grabbed her bag and headed to the door.
“Once this bonfire is over, I never want to see you again. So you can forget any plans you have for bringing the kids camping here.”
His words sliced her in two. Intense pain and grief filled her.
Unwanted…
Unworthy…
Unloved…
Unwanted, unworthy, and unloved.
She really was just a piece of rubbish. The voice in her head was right. How could she ever have thought otherwise? She’d never be good enough.
Tears blurred her vision as she ran from the house to the car. How could she ever think he loved her? No one would ever want her, she was damaged goods. She should have died, not fought to survive; just given in and let him kill her.
She drove from the farm, not paying attention to where she was going. Headlights blinded her, and a car horn jerked her back to reality. Heart pounding, she swerved back onto her side of the road at the last second, the oncoming car missing her by a few inches.
She parked on the side of the road, and buried her face in her hands, elbows resting on the steering wheel, tears streaming down her face. Her arm hurt, but her heart hurt so much more. She wished she was dead, and she hadn’t felt like that in a few years. Not since…
She’d finally let someone into her life, someone she loved and thought loved her, someone she trusted, allowed to touch and kiss her, and her past had gotten in the way.
Just as it always would.
She would she never be free of it. Perhaps forgiveness didn’t count for much anymore.
Atonement wasn’t possible. Not for her. Never for people like her. She must have asked for it, encouraged his anger. Just like before. It was her fault. It always was. And again her brothers would blame themselves for not being there to protect her.
Unwanted…
Unworthy…
Unloved…
Unwanted, unworthy, unloved… The words mingled with her prayers and tears.
Finally, she drove home and pulled up outside the house next to Gareth’s car. She hadn’t realized it was so late. Had he been waiting long? She glanced at the clock on the dashboard and felt guilty. He’d have been there over an hour.
She was late on top of everything else. Something else she could never atone for. One sin leading to another.
Gareth didn’t look pleased as he got out of his car and walked down the pavement. But then he took one look at her and his arms folded around her as she sobbed uncontrollably.
****
Aaron sat on the floor in the studio, arms tightly around himself, chanting resounding from the farmhouse across the farmyard. What had he done? Meggie had left in tears, total devastation on her face. He’d said mean, horrible things to her. He’d heard himself saying them, but been unable to stop them from spilling from his mouth. The only thing that had mattered was keeping the farm. Wasn’t it?
No. She’d lied to him. Just like Isaac and Leah had. But Meggie’s betrayal, her lie was worse. She’d killed a child. She knew how much children meant to him. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t his child. She had knowingly and willfully killed a baby. Tanis was right. He was better off without her. Besides, without her, the farm was his. He’d won.
A small part of him mourned. He’d won, but it had cost him the woman he loved. At least she hadn’t said yes to his proposal. It was over before it had really begun. He was destined to be alone. It was what he deserved.
21
Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the wild oxen. Psalm 22:21
Meggie pushed the baked beans around the plate, not hungry in the slightest. She was tired, too. One nightmare after another meant very little sleep. She’d dreamed of crows and chanting and figures in black dancing around a bonfire. Red eyes and claws scraped at her until she got up and crept into her brother’s room, sitting by his bed until he woke at seven. Then crying helplessly in his arms again like she had the previous evening.
“Megs, if you don’t want it, it’s fine. I’ll eat them.”
“Here.” She pushed the plate over to Gareth. “I don’t want to go to work today.”
“It’ll be fine.”
“No, it won’t. I don’t feel so good, might call in sick.”
Gareth covered her hand in his. “Megs,
bach
, he’s just one bloke. You said yourself things were intense up there last night. There is a major problem up on that farm and it’s affecting how he—how both of you are thinking.”
Tears filled her eyes. “I shouldn’t feel this way about him. It’s not even been two weeks. I’m just stupid for letting myself fall for him. I just attract the wrong type of men.”
“You are
not
stupid, sis. What happened last night wasn’t your fault, any more than what happened three years ago. You can’t put Aaron in the same bracket as
him.
”
“It was. I asked for it.”
“Meaghan Rhiannon Knight, look at me.” His tone changed from gentle to stern.
Slowly, she raised her head and met his gaze.
“You did
not
ask for it. Any more than you asked for what happened to the baby.”
“He thinks I killed the baby. He doesn’t believe me. Maybe he’s right, and I did cause her death. Perhaps not wanting her was enough.”
“She had a name, Megs.”
Tears burned her eyes and blurred her vision.
Gareth held her gaze. “Your daughter had a name, and I promise,
cariad
. What happened to you and Mair wasn’t your fault.”
She blinked hard. “‘K.”
“And Aaron will understand. He loves you.”
“I thought he did, but he doesn’t want to see me again. I’ll send someone else over to the farm today.”
“That won’t help.”
She pulled back her hand, rubbing her sleeve over her face. “Yeah it will. I’ve got a shed load of stuff to do in the office if I’m going in.”
“Are you not going to help build the base of the fire at all?”
“No. He made it quite clear that I’m no longer welcome.” She looked down. “Unwanted, unworthy, unloved. I’m a liar and a murderer and fit for the scrap heap.”
“Megs. That’s not true and you know it.”
“What isn’t?” She looked up confused. “I have loads of work. Like picking a story for the toddler group tomorrow. You’re going to be late for your first meeting if you don’t get a wriggle on.”
He grinned and wriggled in his chair. “There you go. Do you want a lift? I can swing by the church on my way home and pick you up later.”
“Sure, you can drop me off. Don’t worry about picking me up, I can walk home when I’m done.”
“Do you want me to have a word with Aaron?”
“No.” Tears filled her eyes again. “I’m past protecting. It’s too late.”
****
The tears must still have been evident when she arrived at the church office; Janice merely offered her the box of tissues and pointed to the coffee pot. She nodded, blotting her eyes.
Pastor Jack dropped the sermon notes onto her desk and turned with a smile. “Morning, Meggie. How are you this morning? I got your text. I thought perhaps we could talk about what happened up there last…” He broke off, concern wiping the smile from his face. “Are you all right?”
“Bad day,” she whispered, wishing her voice would keep level.
“Come into my office and we’ll talk.”
“I really need to get on. I have a lot to do today.”
“Meggie. Office, now.” His eyes narrowed and his voice hardened.
She followed him slowly. There was no arguing with him sometimes. She stood by the desk and looked at him. “I’m fine, really. I just had a fight with Aaron last night, and I let it get to me, that’s all.”
“Sit down a minute. Is everything all right?”
Meggie perched on the edge of the chair. “It was a fight. The end result is he doesn’t want to see me, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Pray.”
“I’ve done that, but he still doesn’t want me up there.”
“I’ll get Penny to go over there today. Would you rather she carried on organizing it and went up tomorrow and Saturday?”
“No. I promised I’d do this, and I don’t want to let you down. I can be there and avoid him. But if Penny goes over this afternoon, that would be good. I have a fair amount to do today.”
“OK. Now, about last night. What happened?”
She shifted, not really wanting to talk about it. But she’d texted him, so only had himself to blame. “Tanis did something. Afterwards, we prayed around the house. Only after that, we had a fight.”
“Over what?”
“I…I can’t say.” She looked down.
He tapped his fingers on the desk. “I get the feeling that’s the edited version. I would push it, but I have someone coming to see me in a few minutes. Can we talk about this later?”
“OK.” Hopefully he’d have forgotten by then.
“Then let’s pray and then you can make a start.”
****
Ten minutes later, she picked up the phone and dialed the number in front of her. She wasn’t expecting a very good reception, if she was even given the time of day. The phone rang several times and she was about to hang up.
“Isaac Field.” The voice was deep and breathless.
“Hi. My name is Meaghan Knight. I’m calling from Headley Cross Baptist.”
“I don’t really have time to talk right now, Miss Knight. I don’t want to be rude, but I’ve just got in from a six mile run.”
That accounted for the heavy breathing. She took a deep breath. “Actually it’s rather important. It’s about Aaron.”
“Is he hurt?”
“No…”
“Then I have nothing to say on the subject.”
“He’s not hurt as such, but it’s very important I speak to both you and your sister as soon as possible. I couldn’t find a number for her.”
“We share the same apartment. I can pass on the message.”
“Thank you. I was wondering if you could both meet me for coffee this morning? It’s to do with the trust fund and about what’s going on at the farm.”
“I could, I’m not sure about Leah. It’s her day off and she might have plans.”
“OK. Well if you could, I’m free around eleven or sooner if that is better for you.”
“One moment and I’ll check with her.” Muffled sounds came down the phone, then he came back. “We can be in town in twenty minutes, if that’s any good.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Fine. Where shall we meet?”
“Under the circumstances, the church office would be the best place. Do you know where it is?”
“I do. We’ll be there.”
****
Meggie brought the three coffees into Pastor Jack’s office and smiled at the two people sitting there. “Thank you again for coming.”
The man adjusted his leather jacket and then put his hands in his lap. He looked very much like Aaron, but with dark hair. His sister was pale, but the family resemblance was there also. “What’s this about? You said it was important and concerned the trust fund.”
“It is.” She slid the coffees across the desk and sat down, choosing to sit to the side, rather than in Pastor Jack’s huge swing chair. “I’ve gotten to know Aaron really well over the past couple of weeks whilst organizing the bonfire. The church is hiring the farm for it this year.”