Save Me (12 page)

Chapter T
wenty-Three

Tegan

I didn’t know why I’d insisted on taking it slow. He traced the back of my hand with his thumb. Going slow was stupid. I hand nothing to lose. So what if it went horribly wrong and he realised I wasn’t worth it in a few months – or weeks – time? At least we would’ve had some fun.

I looked up at him. “Lucas?”

Glancing down, half watching the TV, he replied, “Yeah?”

“I changed my mind.”

I had his full focus then. “What?”

Christ, he was
slow. I hooked my leg over his and sat up so I was straddling him. Yeah, this was definitely a good idea. His eyebrows shot up but it took only a second for his hands to grip my waist.

“Are you actually going to k
iss me, Luke?”

Laughing once, he pulled me closer and his lips touched mine lightly.
He was a tease but I liked the way his breath tickled my skin and gave me goose bumps. Groaning, his hand slid up my side and into my hair. I wasn’t sure how long I could sit on his lap, a centimetre from his face and not kiss him. My skin was on fire. Everything was on fire and he was doing nothing but look at me and copping a feel of the side boob as he went up.

Whatever self-control he had vanished quick
ly and then he kissed me hard, desperate and so deep it made my toes curl and my body arch into him.

He pulled away slightly
and whispered against my mouth, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

I wasn’t sure of anything anymore but he made me feel…something.
“I’m sure,” I replied. He kissed me again until we were both panting and things were starting to get a little bit more heated. I could feel how aroused he was and I was reaching the point where I’d just think ‘fuck it’ and strip him. Something was shouting, screaming that it wasn’t a good idea and this time I couldn’t ignore it.

“You okay?” he asked when I removed myself from his lips and his lap. His hand had just started traveling up my top and I wasn’t convinced that I wanted it there. I wasn’t completely convinced that I didn’t either.

“I’m fine,” I said. “This is just a little soon for me.” I was aware of how ridiculous that sounded coming from me, but if we wanted this to be anything more than a shag we were going to have to not get naked.

“
Okay. I can wait, you know? I don’t expect sex, Tegan. Hell, I didn’t even expect you to tell me you wanna give this a try.”

I nodded, biting my lip. Having a sex conversation with a guy was weird. Usually there would be no questioning or asking, we’d just do it and then I’d go on my merry way, pretending everything was still fine.

We fell asleep watching TV and when I woke it was almost midday. Lucas smiled like he’d won the lottery. Clearly he saw something in me that wasn’t there.

“
You want to go get some lunch?” I asked, stretching my muscles out.

“Definitely
, I’m starving.”

I was so glad he didn’t push it or ask more questions because I was already sick of people asking me to explain every single thing I did or felt.

Lucas followed me off the bed and downstairs. I gave him a chaste kiss before going into the kitchen. “You can do that whenever you want, you know, shorty?”

Oh, no. Spinning around, I put my hands on my hips and raised my eyebrow. A little dramatic but the situation called for it.
“I am not short.”

He
laughed, throwing his head back. “You had to stand on your toes to kiss me.”

“Whatever.” I
turned and walked off. I was average size, maybe a little shorter. Anyway, he was giant-tall. Or maybe just six foot.

We joined my family and his for sandwiches and cake.
No one mentioned last night or the fact that Lucas slept in my room. It did mean they’d guessed we were together. Mum looked happy, like she thought this was the answer to all my problems. I hoped it was.

“So
, are we watching football while the girls are shopping?” Carl asked. I had to look away. That was something my dad would’ve asked my uncle, and had done, when they’d all come to visit.

According to Mum and Ava I should feel a sense of closeness to
Carl. After all, he shared something with the guy we all loved like crazy. I didn’t feel close to him. I felt like I wanted to run every time I saw him.

“Yeah
, after we’re all meeting at the pub for dinner,” Jake replied, handing his dad a glass of water Ava passed him.

I tried to ignore
Carl swallowing a bunch of pills. I didn’t know exactly what they all did, because I was too scared to ask, but I knew basically they were keeping him alive.

And then I registered what the plans for the day were. Shopping with Mum, Ava, Emily and Grace. No. Not only were Mum and Ava like
bloody besties but also they’d both formed pretty strong friendships with Emily and Grace. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to spend the day with less.

“Are you looking forward to it, Tegan?” Grace asked.

No.
“Sure,” I replied.

Lucas’
s siblings tolerated me. I could tell that they had major reservations about Lucas being anywhere near me. Not that I blamed them. Still made it a bit awkward, though.

“
Actually, I might go with the guys and watch football.” Gender stereotypes could fuck off. I’d rather sit in a bar and watch men run around in shorts than go shopping with four women who would undoubtedly have a better time if I wasn’t there.

Ava frowned and sat down, grabbing
a sandwich. “You can’t invade their man time, Tegan.”

“I don’t mind,” Lucas said as he put his arm round me.
Well, that confirmed
us
then.

She rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, I bet you don’t. But what about Jake and Carl?”

Jake shrugged. He minded.
Carl said, “I don’t mind at all.” I was pretty sure that Carl only liked me because he felt he had to.

“See,” I said.

“Okay, fine. I’m sure we’ll find some time to talk later.”

“I’m sure she will,” I said sarcastically.

Like she wanted to talk. Recently all of our ‘conversations’ had looked a lot like lectures. Miss Perfect didn’t like how I was handling things. Well, I didn’t like how she handled my handling things so we were both shit out there.

After lunch, I went
to get ready but ended up in the music room, staring at the piano. I missed Dad so much. When the hell would the part where it got better happen? I felt like I was barely holding on the whole time. Not letting it wash over me was constant and exhausting. So many times I’d given myself permission to let it in and go through what Mum and Ava went through – were going through. But I was too scared of feeling how I felt the night he died. I would do
anything
to avoid hurting that much again.

I felt Lucas’
s arms round my waist and he pulled me against his chest. Focusing on him, I turned round and slipped my hands in his.

“You know I’ve never been to his grave. Do you think he’d be upset?”

Lucas looked shocked that I’d volunteered that piece of information. As a rule I didn’t talk about Dad, but hell, I was trying.

“
I didn’t know him but from what I’ve heard he was a pretty great guy so I’m sure he understands.”

“I
think I want to go tomorrow. Will you come with me?”

“Of course
, I will,” he said, flashing that gorgeous smile at me. I stretched up and kissed him, making him smirk.

“Thanks. Ready to go to the pub?”

“Yeah, come on.”

The pub we were going to was my favourite. Inside were the original red brick walls with a huge open fireplace. Tables and chairs were dotted around; there was an area with a large TV on the wall and three big brown leather sofas. The bar was carved out of light
oak. There were two other rooms, one was the dining room and the other one had two pool tables. It was cute and relaxing.

“T
egan,” Gino yelled in his sexy Italian accent. “Vieni qui, bella.” Translated: come here, beautiful. Gino and his husband, Robbie, owned the pub. Rounding the bar, he opened his arms and locked me in a bear hug. “I haven’t seen you for ages. Mi sei mancato.”

“I missed you
, too, Gino. Where’s Robbie?” I’d picked up a little Italian from a couple holidays and Gino pretty much forcing me to learn.

“Getting changed
, his last outfit was awful, apparently.”

Robbie was perfectly groomed at all times, gorgeous and so white-blonde he made me look dark. Gino was the exact opposite with his
olive skin, dark brown eyes and equally dark brown hair.

“Right, okay then,”
I said and he laughed.

“So
, who are these gorgeous men, bella?”

“Gino
, this is Jake and Carl.” I pointed to them and he shook their hands. “And this is Lucas.” I put my hand on Luke’s chest. He wrapped one hand round my waist and shook Gino’s hand with the other.

“Hey,” Lucas said.

“Where are Kai, Holly, Sophie and the one that gets uncomfortable when I look at his arse.”

Ah, James. Yes, he did get uncomfortable when Gino
stared
but it was funny. Adam also got uncomfortable but I’d seen less and less of him recently. He was constantly busy. “Kai was going out on his bike and then playing poker with James. I’m not sure what Holly and Sophie are doing.”

Robbie appeared at the bar wearing dark blue denim jeans, a black belt, a crisp black and white shirt and black shoes.
“Hey, Tegan,” he said, giving me a crushing hug, too. “What can I get you since it looks like Gino hasn’t bothered asking.”

Rolling his eyes, Gino walked off to serve another customer.

We ordered drinks and sat down at a table with a good view of the TV. I chose the table closest to the window so me and Luke could sit on the bench but it still gave a good view of the screen.

“So
, you’re on hugging terms with the owners?” Lucas asked.

“I went out a lot.”

Before he could say anything, I kissed him, not particularly wanting to get into what I was like not so long ago. I knew Luke had let it go when his tongue swept my bottom lip. It was also the time that Carl and Jake cleared their throats.

I pulled back, face flushed and sipped on the drink that’d appeared in front of me while I was kissing Lucas.
Not one to get embarrassed easily, Luke glared at his dad and brother.

I decided after about ten minutes that I didn’t like men when they were moody because their team was losing so I went to sit with Gino. He leant across the bar and poured two shots of Limoncello.

Lucas went outside to get his phone out of his car and came back in five minutes later looking ready to kill. I’d never seen him so angry. Hopping off the stool, I made my way to him.

“Everything okay?”

“No,” he said through gritted teeth. “I just met your
amazing
friend. Kai’s a real dick, Tegan.”

“Where is he? What happened?”

“Was here. Outside with another guy.”

James?

My heart was beating a little too fast and not in a good way. “What happened?”

“Apparently
, you’ll be back in his bed before long.”

I frowned. “What? Kai said that?”

“Yeah, and then his mate shoved him back in the car.”

What was he doing here and what the hell was that?

Lucas took a deep breath and brushed my hair behind my ear. “Let’s just forget the arsehole, okay?”

I didn’t want to forget him. Something was going on. Kai had never shown any jealously before. We were friends and had agreed that. I felt a cold sinking feeling in my chest. I needed him as a friend but I couldn’t have that if he wanted more.

“Was he drunk?”

Lucas snorted. “Sure looked it. Nice catch, by the way.”

“Hey!” I snapped.

“Sorry. Seriously, let’s forget him.”

Nodding, I followed Luke back to the table. Something wasn’t quite right with what he just told me. Kai didn’t know I was with Lucas yet and I didn’t believe he would’ve just said something like that unprovoked. I was going to find out, though.

Chapter T
wenty-Four

Tegan

I woke up still feeling absolutely exhausted. I’d not slept all that much in the past few days and it was taking its toll. Lucas was leaving tomorrow and I wanted to ask him to stay a bit longer. But he had to work.

I found myself
back in the music room at five in the morning, staring at the piano. Dad’s aftershave filled the room, or I was imagining it was. It was comforting and painful at the same time. When it finally faded away that would be it forever.

The room felt smaller, the walls crept in inch by inch until I felt like I was in a prison cell. My heart raced and I braced myself against the piano.
Shit, I can’t breathe properly.

Someone touched me and I guessed Lucas because the arms curled around my waist. His chest was pressed to my back. I concentrated on staying in reality and not letting my mind pull me under.

“Hey,” he said. “You alright?”

He didn’t sound all that concerned so
he obviously missed my near-meltdown. I wasn’t alright, I felt like I was going to collapse in a ball and cry for hours but instead I nodded.
Calm down. Push it away.
I forced Dad out of my head and heightened the wall around my heart. Fuck feelings.

“What’re you doing up so early?” I asked.
I have got to get out of here soon.

“I went to sneak into your room but you weren’t there.”

“Oh. Well, give me a minute and I’ll go back up.” Walking out of his arms, I gave him a flirty smile over my shoulder and went back to my bedroom.

No less that ten seconds after I’d got
ten back in bed Lucas came through the door, quietly shutting it behind him.

I gasped. “How dare you sneak into my room and break the house rules.”

He rolled his eyes, smiling, and climbed onto the bed. I waited for a smart arse reply but it was clear that wasn’t his next move when he kissed me, laying me down on the mattress. I preferred his plan.

His tongue slipped in my mouth and the kiss became a little more urgent. He pressed half of his weight down on me and I wrapped my legs around his waist.
Being with him like this felt more than it had done with anyone else but I still felt like something was missing. That something was probably me, though.

“Lucas
, I’m ready,” I whispered against his lips.

He pulled back and rested on his arms
. His blue eyes were filled with lust and uncertainty. “I don’t think you are, Tegan. You might want it right now but I think you’ll regret it after. I’m not taking that risk, I can wait.”

“You’re so sweet
, you know.” I wasn’t not ready for sex, especially not with my track record, but perhaps he was right and I didn’t want to rush yet another thing with him.

I ran my finger along the edge of his jaw and bit my lip.
“Just because we’re not gonna have sex doesn’t mean we can’t fool around a little.”

His eyes darkened.
“Really?”

I nodded and pulled his head down so I could kiss him
. He was back into it in an instant, tongue wrestling mine and hand wandering down, caressing my sides as he headed for the ultimate goal.

My body was on fire. I was so definitely ready for fooling around. Lucas’
s hand reached my pyjama shorts and I gasped as he lightly brushed his knuckles between my legs. I arched my hips, needing more friction and moaned his name into his mouth.

When his hand dipped under my shorts I thought my heart was going to stop altogether. I was so turned on, so needy
, that all I wanted was for him to get me off, like right now.

He kissed me harder and slipped his finger in
side. His tongue moved quicker against mine as he swirled his finger around inside me. I arched my hips, meeting him thrust for thrust. My fingernails clawed the fabric covering his back as he took me higher and higher.

He added a second finger and I bit down on his lip as I fell apart, clamping around him as I climaxed. “Shit,” he murmured against my mouth once the aftershocks of my orgasm had worn off. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

I’d wanted him to do that for a while.

My chest heaved and I groaned at the loss of him as he pulled out and sat up.

“You can do that anytime you like,” I said. Smirking, Lucas got off the bed and rearranged his erection so it was less obvious. “What’re you doing?” He was off the bed. Shouldn’t he be taking his jeans off?

“Going back to my room before we’re caught.”

“What? But I haven’t even played with you yet.”

He laughed and shook his head. “Plenty of time for that,
shorty. You can owe me one.”

Smug bastard wasn’t getting anything from me. I narrowed my eyes as he laughed again and left.

Lucas was sitting in the lounge drinking coffee with everyone else when I walked in after my shower. I sat next to him, making sure he saw me glare at least once.

“You still
want me to come with you today?” he asked, trying not to smile.

No.

I didn’t want to go to Dad’s grave at all, not ever, but I had to do it. I swallowed what felt like sand or broken glass. “Yeah, if you don’t mind.”

He
leant down and kissed the side of my head. “Of course not, babe.”

How was I going to visit his grave when I almost fell apart in the fucking music room this morning? But
, apparently, I was never going to get ‘better’ if I didn’t try. Personally, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with continuing how I was; I didn’t hurt nearly as much as Mum and Ava did.

I stared down at my dad’s headstone and held on to Lucas’s hand as tightly as I could. It was warm but I felt icy cold and I was trembling. Lucas watched me and although I couldn’t focus on anything but a lump of stone with Dad’s name carved into it, I knew he was contemplating picking me up and taking me home.

I felt nothing real.
There was just a cold numbness that I was growing used to.

“Tegan?” Lucas said. He sounded far away.

I looked up. “Please take me home now, Luke.”

Frowning, he nodded.
I could see the questions in his eyes. He wanted to know why I was an emotionless robot. “Alright, come on.”

We dro
ve back to my house in silence but it wasn’t awkward. I could feel his mind working, trying to figure out what was going on with me and how he could fix it. I appreciated it but there wasn’t a magical fix. If there was I would’ve taken it long ago.

On the way back my phone beeped with a text and I was glad to have a distraction.

Kai had written: ‘Party at mine tomorrow. You in?’

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. Well, I was
, but I probably shouldn’t want to go, not after what he said to Lucas. But I had a feeling there was more to it than what Lucas told me. Kai wasn’t a bad person.

‘
Count me in.’ I tapped back and put my phone away.

Lucas reached over and took my hand in his. “
You okay?”

“Yeah
, I’m fine,” I replied.

We got back to mine and Mum immediately started
quizzing me on how it went. I told her it was fine and she pushed harder, not believing that I was okay.

“
Mum, I’m alright but I don’t wanna talk about it.” Taking a step back as if I’d burned her, she looked away. Fuck sake! Gritting my teeth, I walked off. I repeated in my head
she’s only trying to help
but it did little to stop my mood plummeting. She seemed to flip the switch in me so quickly.

Lucas followed me upstairs but wisely said nothing. We watched a couple films until Mum called us down for dinner. Walking ahead to talk to his dad and brother, Lucas entered the kitchen before me. I took a detour and opened the music room doors.

My insides twisted up as I remembered the last time we played the piano together. It was the day he died and he was helping me practice for my exam. I walked deeper into the room and the closer I got to the piano the thinner the air became.

I felt myself sink to the floor, sink deeper into the water, and when I hit the ground I curled my arms around my legs.

I felt the first sob right down in my gut. I missed him so much I felt like I couldn’t breathe. A fog of black smoke engulfed me and all I could focus on was the gaping void where Dad used to be and the pain of knowing I had to do it all without him now.

“
Why did you leave me?” I whispered angrily and gave in to the grief, sobbing until my throat was raw.