Authors: Nicola Haken
My cell bleeped again – startling me from my reverie.
Julie: Meet me later?
After school at the cemetery.
Please? X
Pangs of guilt twisted in my stomach as I read it, causing the tears to flow even faster. I typed my response quickly before I had chance to change my mind.
Me: Ok. 3:30.
Usual
bench. Xxx
I regretted sending it almost instantly. I stared myself down in the mirrored closets and I looked a mess. A thin – disgustingly so – girl stared back at me. Her eyes were dark and sunken. Her body was torn and bruised. I didn’t recognise her. I didn’t want to look at
that
girl anymore so I quickly turned away and got dressed into my indigo skinny-jeans and a thick black sweater – wincing from the pain in my ribs as I bent down.
There was no sign of my mom downstairs and I didn’t bother to look for her before grabbing my car keys from the hook behind the front door and heading outside. I felt edgy, anxious. My fingers were fidgeting with each other and my legs felt restless. I drove for over an hour – maybe longer – down to Beacon Hill and back again, hoping to regain some kind of composure.
It didn’t work. If anything I felt worse. I was beginning to sweat and the tips of my fingers were trembling. It was sheer nerves about seeing Julie – seeing
anyone
. It wasn’t withdrawal or anything. I didn’t have an addiction as such – yet at least. I could go days at a time if I had to – if I couldn’t get my hands on any of my dad’s cash for example. I suppose the problem was
,
I didn’t actually care about my new habit
becoming
an addiction. The reality was, being high – and even coming down – hurt a hell of a lot less than being sober. I guess I was more than willing to risk becoming addicted to ‘forgetting’.
Eventually I pulled up outside the local Mini-Mart and soon enough my index finger was hovering over Leon’s number on my cell. A stern voice deep in my subconscious warned me not to be so stupid so close to meeting Julie but my newfound selfishness thought ‘
fuck
it’ and I hit the call button. I’d arranged a time to meet him in less than thirty seconds and my twitchy fingers were already starting to calm.
An hour later I found myself parked in the small lot behind The Blue Hog. It never occurred to me to meet Leon elsewhere. He was already waiting for me - leaning casually against a large brown dumpster, dressed as usual in ripped jeans and a tan leather jacket.
“Usual?” he asked as he reached into the pocket tucked away inside his jacket. I shrugged. I felt like utter shit and I wanted something that would see me through my time with Julie but had no idea what to ask for.
“Something a little stronger perhaps?” he suggested, noticing my dejection. I shrugged again. “I got just what you need. Lasts a
lot
longer. Here…”
He passed me a pouch similar to the ones I was used to but the powder was slightly darker – brown almost. I eyed it up curiously. That annoying warning voice banged away in the back of my head but I locked it away. I thought I might as well give whatever it was a whirl – I had nothing to lose after all.
“Dope…” Leon interrupted, answering my unspoken question.
Holy fuck.
“
Heroin…
right?” I asked naively.
“Don’t believe all the hype. It gets a lot of bad press but it’s cool if you manage it properly. Trust me.”
I stared unseeingly at the small pouch as I tried to focus on slowing my racing heart, which was on the verge of bursting through my already delicate rib cage.
“Of course, if you want to sniff it you’ll need this one…”
What else was I expected to do with it?
My breathing accelerated to an astronomical level when the realisation hit that I was supposed to
inject
it. Holy shit. What the hell was I messing with here? What in god’s name had happened to me? I was both disgusted and intrigued by the new pouch of brilliant-white powder.
Fuck it.
I wrapped up the exchange quickly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed and maybe even a little scared. After handing over the cash – almost twice as much as usual – with the discreet slight-of-hand manoeuver I had become so good at, I turned and left without a destination in mind.
I ended up at the cemetery. I still had an hour before Julie was supposed to meet me but I relished the silence I found there. After settling myself down on the familiar wooden
bench which
was rotting around the edges, I pulled out my latest purchase. I fiddled with it for a while – curling it, folding it and tipping the powder from side to side. I contemplated taking it but pulled a cigarette out instead.
The nicotine wasn’t having its usual effect and my legs were beginning to ache from constantly scraping the earth back and forth beneath my feet. Restless, I stood up and paced the length of the bench. Then I walked around it until I was back where I started. I continued until I’d completed fourteen laps – I counted – and then I sat back down and lit another smoke.
I repeated the whole process – fiddling with the pouch of… I don’t even want to say the word, smoking, pacing and kicking the earth several more times until I saw Julie approaching in the distance. The decision was finally out of my hands. I didn’t have time to take anything now.
“Jesus Christ, Amy, you look terrible,” Julie fussed as she ran towards me and flung her arms over my shoulders. I flinched and used my arm as a barrier between her body and my ribs. She pulled back immediately. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine, don’t worry. I took a bit of a tumble down the stairs last week that’s all. It’s still a little sore.”
“Jeez, I’m sorry. No more hugging…”
We settled down on
our
bench surrounded by an uncomfortable, deafening silence. I tried to make idle chitchat about school but she wasn’t convinced and just kept staring at me – her expression doleful and oozing concern.
“Oh, Amy, I’m here for you… you know that right?”
“Sure I do,” I replied, nodding. “I’m fine, really. Or at least I will be when I’m old enough to leave that goddamn house.”
“Things still rough?”
I wish I could tell you just
how
rough.
“You could say that. It’s just a little…
intense,
at the minute.”
“And you’re sure that’s all it is? I mean
,
you’ve missed so much school. You’ve been ignoring my calls. You’ve lost weight. You look-”
“I promise, Jules” I interrupted, placing my hand on her knee. “I’m not gonna lie and say everything’s peachy ‘cause it’s not. Things have been getting on top of me and I’ve been kind of down but I’m coming out of it now,” I lied. “That’s why I came here today. I’m feeling better and it’s because I realised once I move out of that fucked-up house in a few months time I can start planning my future again. Please don’t worry about me. I’m on the up… I
promise.
”
“Hmm. Well, you definitely sound better than last time I spoke to you…”
Wow, I’m a better liar than I thought.
“So I guess I’ll take your word for it. No more disappearing acts though okay?”
“’Kay,” I answered sheepishly.
Selfishly, I didn’t want to deal with any more guilt right now so I gave Julie a one-armed hug and a dodgy excuse about a dental appointment and left.
Back in my bedroom I could hear the vile sound of my mom hurling into the toilet. This was standard protocol when she hadn’t had a drink in a few hours. No doubt my dad would pick her some up on his way home from work – his way of shutting her up.
I lay back on top of my bed and gingerly rolled onto my side. Then I pulled a pillow over my face and clamped it down around my ears to drown out the noise coming from the bathroom.
A noise startled me – a smash I think. I looked at my watch. It was 9:30 PM and dark outside; I must have fallen asleep. Next I heard the thud of my dad’s feet pounding the stairs. I was thirsty but decided to wait until he was in bed before heading downstairs. Instead, I rolled onto my other side, grabbed my latest book and planned to read away another hour or so.
I didn’t hear the door open but seconds later I was pulled abruptly upright by my arm.
“I’ve just had a visitor,” my dad said before releasing my arm and making his way to the foot of my bed. His voice was unnervingly calm and I knew he was about to lose it. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “Your friend Julie popped by. She’s just left.”
Oh shit.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” I mumbled nervously. He tucked one hand in his pocket and ambled eerily slowly towards me.
“She wasn’t here to see you,” he stated in a threateningly composed tone. I shifted my body slightly as he perched next to me on the bed. I didn’t ask what Julie wanted. I didn’t say anything. I kept my arid mouth closed and fixed my eyes onto my floral quilt. “It seems she’s rather worried about you.”
“Really?” I said, my voice cracking as I tried to sound nonchalant. “I don’t know why,” I explained, hoping he’d accept that I hadn’t told her
anything which
could implicate him and leave.
“She doesn’t seem to believe that you had that unfortunate accident down the stairs last week, among other things. Why do you think that could be?” he asked calmly, but I knew he was threatening me. I stayed quiet. There was no point in talking – he wouldn’t believe me anyway.
“You see,
I
think you’ve been saying a little too much to your friend.”
“I haven’t said anything. I swear it. I’ve barely even seen her the last couple of months. Maybe that’s why she’s worried? She can’t accept that I’m moving on with my life.”
I knew he wasn’t listening and part of me wished he’d just get whatever he had planned over with.
“Moving on huh? Moving on where?” He couldn’t keep the amusement from filtering into his voice. He knew damn well I had nowhere to go and no one to go to.
“I graduate next month. I guess I’m just growing out of my childhood friends, that’s all.” I sounded weak and pathetic.
“Well let’s hope that’s all it is. I should’ve known you wouldn’t be so silly.” He rose from the bed and hovered his body over mine. I closed my eyes in anticipation. “Good night, Amelia,” he whispered, and then as he rose he laid his flattened palm over my fractured rib and forced his entire body weight into me. I cried out and he insulted me further by planting a gentle, stomach-churning kiss – filled with promise – on my forehead.
My breathing was laboured as I watched him leave the room. I rolled back onto my side, gasping and choking on the
tears which
clogged my throat.
**********
Holy hell it felt good. The effects were immediate.
A beautiful
warmth passed through every single vein in turn, tickling them as it went. My limbs felt heavy so I flopped backwards and closed my eyes. I felt sated, relaxed and so, so happy. Even though my eyes were closed I could see so much brightness. And colour… colours of every shade and depth. My breathing slowed and the delicate thrum of my heart slowly sent me into a wonderful, serene slumber…
I didn’t know how long I had been bathing in paradise but I could feel my body begin to wake. I sat up fluently – my legs no longer weighing me down. My bedroom was brighter… more peaceful. Everything appeared new – as if I were there for the first time. I had never felt so alive, so positive,
so
happy.
It was 10:45 PM but I didn’t have an ounce of tiredness left inside. It would have been sinful to waste the rush of sensational energy I was experiencing stuck inside those four walls so I glammed myself up, applying sparkly blue shadow to my eyelids and slipping on my sexiest black dress – making sure it rested below my shredded thighs; it did.
Despite being a lawyer’s daughter I wasn’t sure what the law would make of me driving under the influence of heroin. It would object I assumed and so I walked to the main road to hail a taxi.
“Where to, lovely?” the round, British sounding driver asked me. I hadn’t planned that far ahead and his question took me by surprise, leaving me grinning like an idiot while I decided.
“The city. I don’t care where… Somewhere bright – somewhere lively,” I finally responded. Then I rested my head sideways against the window and admired the beauty of the buildings lit up like Christmas trees in the dark of the night. I’d never truly noticed how beautiful Seattle was before. The streets were so busy – so alive. It was so easy to walk around here completely unnoticed. That suited me most of the time. But sometimes, when I was just a single breath away from breaking completely, I
wanted
someone to notice me – to know I existed… To
save
me
..
“Will here do?” the driver asked, snapping me from my trance. I decided then that he was definitely British. I looked ahead and
we were surrounded by clubs, bars, novelty pubs and swarms of people dressed to impress and having a blast
.
“This is perfect. Thank you.” I handed over my fare, opened my door and swung my legs from the cab in a very ladylike fashion.
There was so much to see.
So many people.
So many colours.
So many bright lights.
I walked eagerly into the buzz of the crowd. The hum of laughter encompassing me was infectious and I found myself giggling as I swayed into the first bar I came to. My fake I.D. worked like a charm and soon I was dancing along to Rihanna - alone in the middle of a vast, crowded dance-floor with my purse in one hand and a vodka-Coke in the other.