“Jacob please, there are too many people here to do this right now. Let’s go…”
“I don’t give a fuck who is here. I’m asking you, are you pregnant?”
“Yes.”
Yes.
It floors me. Shit. Carrie’s pregnant. It’s not like it should be a big surprise, I’ve been fucking the hell out of her and not once—not one damn time did I ever think about using a condom. I never went ungloved before Carrie. With her, I didn’t even think about it. I knew I was the first to ever be inside of her and I didn’t want anything between us, she was special. She is special. It was an unconscious decision. It was…fuck, why didn’t I think about it? Me a dad? What could I ever offer a kid? How could I take care of a kid? What kind of kid would want me as a role model? Most days, I can’t even look in the damn mirror. How will a kid ever want to look at me? What happens when he or she learns about their old man and what happened to him?
“Fuck.”
The word comes out without me meaning it to. I seem to have a problem with that lately, but holy hell my world was just shook on its axis.
Carrie hears me and she flinches as if the word slaps her. I know it does, and I want to bite it back. Instead, I make it worse.
“I’m not ready for this Carrie, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.”
“I’ve taken so much crap off of you,” her quiet voice echoes in the room.
I know there are other people around, but for me all that exists is Carrie. There’s so much pain in her sentence. I hear it and look at my woman, really look at her. She is standing in a yellow sundress with small daisies all over it. Her long auburn hair has been braided in some kind of complicated style and swirled on her head and it makes a man long to undo it. She’s gorgeous, even now with the faint glimpse of tears in her eyes. Yet, she looks miserable. I’ve done that.
“I’ve taken so much crap. I begged you to love me, to be with me and I shouldn’t have. If you couldn’t see that I was worth it, that I was….”
“Princess…”
“I’ve kept my mouth shut and I’ve let you blame and unload on me, because I felt responsible for it all. So I just kept going along, saying it was okay. It’s okay because I love Jacob and he has to work through so much, but I love him and he cares for me and I want to be with him and this is what couples do. They work through issues and problems and they come out on the other side stronger.”
“Princess…” I try again, but she doesn’t let me.
“I might be young and naïve like everyone keeps throwing at me, but I
loved
you Jacob. I loved you and I just knew if I held on and gave you all I could, it would be okay. That’s what couples do. They comfort each other. They are there for each other and they hold the fuck on TOGETHER!”
Carrie doesn’t curse. She goes out of her way to not curse. She doesn’t even yell. Except for the day at the marina, she’s hardly ever spoken back to any one in her life. Yet, here she is doing both, doing both in a crowded clinic with people we know, however distantly, staring at us. This is when I know I am in complete trouble. I have kept my head in my ass for too long. I’ve been so wrapped up in my misery, wrapped up in what was all about me, what was good for me, what I wanted and needed, that I left Carrie swinging out there on her own. I see it clearly and I am in trouble, but at the same time I keep hearing the same word and panic swaps me.
Baby. I’m going to be a dad. How the fuck can I take care of a baby when I need Carrie to even make it through a day? What happens if I have a panic attack when I’m alone with him? What happens if I crack and even Carrie can’t help me? A baby! How can I do this?
“They do Carrie, baby they absolutely do hold on and…”
“Except you didn’t, Jacob. I did. It was always me, but really, you never held on with me. You never held on
for
me.”
“I did Carrie, I’m here,” I say, but I am lying.
“No, you didn’t, Jacob. You held on for
you
.”
“Carrie, sweetheart…”
“I’m twenty years old. I discover I’m pregnant so I go to tell my boyfriend that I am and find a whore on his lap. All that and yet, I still talk myself into HOLDING ON! I listen to my boyfriend feed me excuse after excuse and I lie in our bed and talk myself into HOLDING ON! I go to the doctor to get information about ending a life inside of me. A life I dearly love already, knowing I couldn’t do it, knowing there was no way, but sitting and listening to the doctor calmly explain the option, all because I was trying to HOLD THE FUCK ON!”
There are several people letting out collective gasps in the room. I can’t pay attention though, because her words are like bullets and each one strikes a deadly hit in my heart. She throws a pamphlet at my chest and I reach up and grab it in reaction. The rest of the paper fades into the background except for the hateful word staring back at me
ABORTION
. I did that. I drove Carrie to even hearing about this.
“Carrie…”
“I’m done.”
“What?” I ask and now the terror in my voice is thick. It chokes me.
“I’m done,” she walks around me and I’m too shook up to stop her.
“Carrie wait!” I yell walking out with her.
She has the door open to the SUV by the time I make it to her. She leans against the opened driver’s door. The tears aren’t just glimmering in her eyes anymore. They are falling fast and hard, but she doesn’t even blink.
“I’m done, Jacob. I’m not enough. I’ve never been enough and now? Now I’m fucking done.”
“You love me we can…”
“Right now I don’t even like you, Jacob Blake. We’re finished.”
She hops up in the SUV and I should be stopping her, I should be throwing the door open and taking her in my arms and stopping her, but I am frozen. Everything is replaying in my head. I see the hurt, the anger and the pain in Carrie’s eyes. I watch her back out of her parking spot.
We’re finished.
I may be standing on a busy street with the sun beating down, but right now I am standing in the cold. I am standing in complete darkness. Carrie took the light.
Carrie
I
can’t go
home. There is nothing there for me anyway. Most of the clothes were given to me, the few items I’ve replaced are unimportant. It is my turn to quit hiding, because in my own small way I have been just as bad as Jacob. I’ve been hiding from the death of my parents. I can’t do that anymore.
I need distance—time and distance. I’ve always heard those fix everything. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure that is a lie.
So I drive to the local Greyhound station, say goodbye to my life in Kentucky and hop a bus back to Tennessee. I visit my parents’ graves. I cry. I replace my wardrobe with their money. I finally accept it is my money now. It can’t be more real than looking at tombstones.
I do all of that, feeling half alive. Before I know it, a couple of weeks have gone by. Jacob knows where I’m at. I know because he’s called. He calls a lot. I usually let the machine answer. I talked to him once. I told him again that we were done. I didn’t let him talk. I was afraid to. As much as I insist that we are done, I have this small hope that somehow Jacob will fight for me—fight for us. He hasn’t. I’m glad—at least that’s what I tell myself.
Jacob’s mom has come by. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant, but apparently Jacob has asked her to check on me and make sure I’m okay. That’s kind of sweet, but I can’t weaken. I’ve had enough.
I’m so tired lately. My doctor assures me that this is normal, but most afternoons it is all I can do hold my eyes open. It’s only one in the afternoon now and I’m lying in bed. I’m almost out when the phone rings. Maybe that explains why I reach over and pick up the receiver, I know who it is. I know and honestly, I want to hear his voice.
“Hello.”
“How are you?” Nicole asks and I ignore the disappointment that falls over me.
“I’m okay,” I lie. “Getting settled in.”
“Stop lying to me,” she responds and I smile. I’ve missed Nicole.
“I miss him.”
“I know, Care,” she says and I figure she does because that one sentence is filled with sadness.
“I was hoping he’d follow me and tell me…”
“I know that too. I’m sorry.”
“How’s he doing?” I ask because I can’t stop myself.
“Avoiding everyone and getting drunk a lot.”
“Does he ask about me at all?” Damn, I wish I was strong enough to not ask that question.
“I don’t think he knows we talk, but he’s not really talking with any of us.”
“How’s the baby?” We ask each other at the same time and Nicole laughs, I can only manage a half way smile.
“I’m starting to show. It’s a small bump, but it’s there. I go next week to find the sex of the baby. How about you?”
“Nothing to show here, but I’m so tired and it’s probably too soon but this morning the smell of bacon made me hurl.
“Ohhh…Bacon…I need some of that.”
“I take it no sickness?” I ask and this time it was a real smile on my face, mostly anyways.
“Hell no! I’m just hungry all the time. I swear by the time I have little Dragon I’m going to weigh five hundred pounds.”
“Well Dragon does love your ass…”
“Yeah well, there will sure be plenty of it for him to love at this rate. Are you taking care of yourself? I’m worried about you being alone right now,” she responds and although her concern makes me feel better, I wish it was coming from Jacob.
“I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen girl. I better get though I’ll call you again tomorrow. There’s a party here tonight and Dragon’s flipping his shit because Skull and his boys will be here. You should see the outfit he wants me to wear.”
I definitely smile now because Nicole has told me how jealous Dragon is, especially of Skull.
“What is it?”
“Oh my lord woman, it’s like this dress from the eighties that has poufy shoulders and buttons all the way to the wrist and buttons up at the neck! The neck, Carrie!”
I laugh out loud.
“Well some of those dresses can be pretty?” I try to console her, but the response comes out as a question, because I know it will get worse.
I was right.
“Carrie! It comes down to my ankles! MY ANKLES!”
“Well…”
“WOMAN! It has flowers on it! Before you start, it’s not flowers like you wear! We’re talking full-fledged pink and dusty rose flowers that are like bigger than a dinner plate all over the damn thing! My grandmother would have refused to wear this dress.”
“So, I take it you’re not wearing it?”
“Not on your life. I’m wearing the sleaziest outfit I could find and I raided Lip’s closet, so there you go.”
“Dragon will go off the deep end.”
“Probably, but I’ll get sex out of it and get to watch him explode so hey.”
“Love you, Nicole.”
“Right back at you girl, don’t you forget it. We’ll talk soon.”
“Okay,” I stare at the phone in my hand once she hangs up.
I miss her. I miss all of them to be honest. It hurt to hear that Jacob hasn’t been asking about me. I didn’t expect him to, but really it would have been nice. As I put the phone down, my stomach drops. Party? The picture of Jacob with Tash on his lap comes to mind and I want to scream.
I go grab the pint of chocolate ice cream I have in the freezer instead.
Dancer
T
wo weeks. It’s
been two weeks since I’ve laid eyes on Carrie. It’s been almost as long as that since I’ve heard her voice. I call every night. Fuck sometimes twice a night. She’s only picked up once. It turns out you can walk around dead on the inside. I am. Nothing seems to matter anymore. It’s all empty without my woman. I asked my mom to check on her. I finally broke down and called her the other night, desperate to know someone was trying to take care of Carrie. Mom’s not exactly happy with me either, so that conversation did nothing to lessen the guilt eating me alive since Carrie left.
I want to fucking scream and go and get her. I don’t. She deserves someone to make her happy, someone who can get his life together. That’s obviously not me.
I say obviously because it’s another night alone without her and I’m at the club, drunk off my ass and the party hasn’t even started yet. It’s not due to start for another couple of hours. Dragon is throwing a party to announce Nicole being pregnant with his baby. They’ve apparently set a wedding date too. La’ de’ fucking da.
I look over at them. He’s got her on his lap, their hands overlapping on her stomach. She’s got a small bump there. It’s barely noticeable and you’d probably not see it now except for what she is wearing.
Actually I’m kind of surprised that Dragon let his woman dress like that. She’s got a lot of skin showing and if that skirt got any shorter I could see her ass. As it is, you can still catch a glimpse here and there. No way in hell I’d let Carrie wear anything like that.
I stare at their hands and watch as Dragon leans down to place a kiss on her stomach. The bitterness twists in my gut. What would it be like to be a whole man? To be able to claim your woman and your baby to the world, knowing you could protect them, be there for them and not fail them…
My baby.
I’m so screwed up in the head. I don’t know how I feel. I want Carrie. I think I could be almost whole with Carrie. I could be normal…mostly. A baby? A baby changes everything. I never had a father, not really. Even after I left the streets there wasn’t much time to enjoy having a father before I was the one working and providing and taking care of the family. But hell, I couldn’t even get through a regular work day without having a panic attack and that’s when things were good. Now without Carrie the only way I can face the sun is to be buried in a bottle. That’s weak. Being…raped is weak. As always, the word echoes through me and I down the rest of my drink trying to bury it. I pour another shot as I watch Dragon kiss his woman and then follow Crusher and Freak outside. They don’t ask me to join them. It doesn’t surprise me. I haven’t felt like part of their group since I got sent up. Maybe I should leave? Head out somewhere warm, Florida maybe or Arizona. Start fresh far away from the dark memories that haunt me, I could do it. It might be better. A new life, a new world and eventually this pain of missing Carrie and not being part of her life would lessen.