Say You Want Me (29 page)

He’s nothing like Wyatt. No, that man forced himself into my heart. He made me see what life could be like if I love someone. How things seem better. Everything feels more real. Then he showed me how much it hurts when it’s taken away.

I won’t cry. I won’t cry.

He ends his call and walks back to me. “I hate to run, but I need to get back to the hospital.”

“Of course.” I smile.

“It was great seeing you.” He kisses my cheek and then adds, “Maybe we can do dinner?”

The last thing I ever want to do is lead him on. “Maybe.” I know he reads the wariness in my eyes.

“Not like that. But we were good friends once, Ang.”

And we were. It was the thing I loved about being around him. We could never be more, but he’s a good guy. “We’ll always be friends.” I promise. “You should get going.”

“If you need anything . . .”

“I know where to find you,” I finish automatically. It’s what he always says to me before he leaves, and even though I won’t call him, it’s still sweet.

Erin comes out and hooks her arm in mine. “Let’s go get some cupcakes and talk about what we want to do.”

I look at Nate’s back as he walks away. “Okay. Time to move in one direction.”

I need to let go of what could’ve been. Wyatt let me go, and now I need to do the same.

It’s time to move on. I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t want me.

“So you lost the baby and didn’t call me?” Mother sounds taken aback.

“Nope. I didn’t think you cared.”

I’ve had the day from hell. I figured I might as well add to it. Erin and I decided to pass on the location. They started trying to nickel and dime us. It wasn’t worth the additional cost to renovate with them already trying to squeeze what they could out of us. Then, I spilled coffee down the front of my white dress. I got my shoe stuck in a grate, and I busted out in random tears when “Rhinestone Cowboy” played on the radio.

“Angelina,” she chides. “Of course I care. It was my grandchild.”

“No, Mom. It wasn’t. You didn’t know or care. You say awful things to me and treat me like I’m the shit on your shoes, and I’m over it.” I’m on a roll, so I continue to spill whatever’s on my mind. “Look, I’m tired of being your whipping post. I’ve endured this from you my entire life. I thought if maybe I took it long enough, you’d stop dishing it out, but you haven’t. You don’t care about me. You don’t care about the baby I lost or the man who didn’t love me. You don’t care. So, I’m going to stop this.”

“Excuse me?” She gasps.

“I’m going to stop doing this to myself.”

I’ve learned that this isn’t the kind of relationship I want. She’s toxic, and I’m not going to be contaminated by her hate anymore. My life isn’t hers to ruin. I’ve done a bang-up job of that on my own.

“You really think this way about me?” Is she really acting perplexed right now? Unbelievable.

“Mom.” I’m not even going to do this. “If you truly don’t know the things you’ve done to me, Todd, Presley, and God only knows who else, then you have issues. You’ve been awful to me since you had cancer. I’m sorry you were sick. I’m truly sorry that life handed you that, but I have my own problems. I lost a little girl who I loved and never knew. I held her in my hands, loved her, cried over her, and buried her. Then, because of that horrific pain, I lost Wyatt too. But the kicker is, I never even thought to call you. What do you think that means?”

I know exactly what it means. She’s not someone I can count on.

“I’m going to pretend this is all just in anger and grief.”

“Pretend away.” I shrug. I don’t care what she needs to tell herself so she can sleep at night. I’m learning pretty quickly she’s never going to love me, so I’m going to stop waiting for it.

“We’ll talk when you’re less hostile.”

I laugh. “Okay, Mom. We’ll do that.”

She’ll never change. I’ll never be okay with it. It’s sad because I would’ve never wanted this with Faith. Not that my mom and I would have ever been like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore, but we could’ve at least had a friendship. I would’ve never treated Faith as if she were a burden. No little girl should grow up thinking she’s irrelevant.

The phone disconnects, and I collapse on my couch. It’s been seventeen days since I’ve heard his voice. I would’ve thought it’d be easier by now.

Instead, I’m more miserable than the day I left.

I close my eyes and try to push him out of my mind. I can’t let myself get caught up in being in a world where I don’t belong. There’s no sense in casting wishes that’ll never be granted. But I can’t seem to stop myself. His brown eyes fill my thoughts. The way he’d smile when he was up to something, or how his voice sounded when he was concerned. Mostly, I think about how it felt to be in his arms. The contentment and security he commanded just by being there.

Knock
,
knock
,
knock
.

Ugh. I shouldn’t have been letting myself go there anyway.

I schlep over to the door and open it. “Hi. What are you doing here?”

Nate stands there in his scrubs holding a bag of takeout and a six pack in the air. “I know we said maybe, but I was hungry and I somehow ended up here.”

Not wanting to be rude, I open the door wider. “Thank you.” I smile. “Come in. I’m starving, and we both need to eat, right?”

“Right.”

What could it hurt? Nate is one of the few friends I have here, and it’s just dinner. I could use someone like him in my life, even if he’s seen me naked.

“W
AIT, SO THE LITTLE GIRL
made it?” I ask as I open another bottle of wine. Nate and I ended up eating and then moving on to pilfering my liquor. Thankfully, the girl who watched my house while I was gone didn’t drink it all.

I won’t even pretend it doesn’t feel great to relax. I’m curled up on the couch in a pair of shorts and a baggy sweatshirt. My hair is piled on top of my head, and I look like crap. But Nate isn’t looking at me as a date, he’s just a friend.

It’s been good to have a little normal tonight.

“She did.”

“That’s crazy! You said she coded.” I pour another glass of wine.

“I’m telling you, it was terrifying. But somehow we were able to get the bleeding under control.” He grabs another beer from the six-pack he brought. “It’s amazing what the heart is capable of doing.”

“Yeah.” I puff. “It’s also the easiest to injure.”

He grips my hand. “It is also the strongest. I’ve seen hearts in such bad shape that I didn’t think there was any way they could come back from it. But they did.”

I appreciate where he’s going with this. The hope he’s trying to inject into my black heart. Sometimes there’s no amount of hope that can heal a shattered soul. Instead of bringing this evening to a gloomy low point, I change gears. “Good to know.” I wink.

He chuckles. “I’ve really missed you, Ang.”

I lean back, unsure of what to say. “Nate.” The truth is that I didn’t think of him once. Once I started to fall in love with Wyatt, I stopped missing anything about Philly. I was happy. I fell in love with more than just Wyatt. It was his world and his family. I felt like I belonged there.

“No.” He puts his hand on mine. “I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not trying to move in on you like that. I know you’re going through something. I wasn’t trying to push you.”

“There’s just no way I’m close to ever . . .” I press my hand against my chest. I can’t even think of another man. “I didn’t know that was what tonight was.”

“I know, and it wasn’t supposed to be. I knew you were sad, I was hungry and figured maybe you’d want some company. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Nate clarifies. “It’s the booze. I never should’ve said that.”

“Loose lips sink ships,” I jest.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder,” Nate retorts.

I giggle. “There’s no such thing as too much wine.”

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”

My heart plummets. I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but if that’s the case . . . everything Wyatt said to me was how he truly felt. He was saying it all without the filter of sobriety. The last shred of hope I was holding on to just disintegrated.

I turn away to hide the tears building. “I remembered I have an early meeting with Erin.” I lie. Once I’ve composed myself, I look at him. “I need to get to bed.”

Nate looks at his watch and back to me. “I should get going. Rounds always come earlier than usual.”

I walk Nate to the door and thank him again for dinner. I promise to call him soon, but I think we’ll need some very firm boundaries in place. After he leaves, I start to clean the mess from dinner, give up, and text Presley. Having her back in my life for those few months on a daily basis reminded me how much I love having her around.

Me: I miss you.

Presley: I miss you tons! The boys are driving me nuts about the wedding.

Logan and Cayden have found their very mischievous sides. Presley has her hands full with those two. Plus, their soon-to-be stepdad is like a giant kid. He riles them up more than anything.

Me: What did they do now?

Presley: They’re crazy! They called your mother to invite her.

Oh, God no. I really hope she doesn’t come. Although, I don’t think she will. After Todd died my mom wrote Presley off, blaming her for what happened and saying that a “real wife” would have seen the signs. God forbid she believes that Todd lied through his teeth to everyone.

Me: Please tell me she’s not coming. I don’t think I can handle her and seeing him again at the same time.

Presley: No! She told me she was so sorry to decline, but since she didn’t find out with enough time to make arrangements, she couldn’t make it.

Me: Ha! Sounds like her. It’s still over two months away. She’s something else.

Presley: How are you? Did you decide on the expansion?

What she wants to say is: Are you still sobbing every night? Do you miss him? Why don’t you come back?

My answers: Yes. Yes. Because I’m not a doormat.

Instead I reply.

Me: I’m good. Erin and I are going to hold off.

Three solid knocks sound on my front door, and I hop up from my seat on the couch. I’m sure Nate forgot something. “Did you forget—” the question dies on my lips when I see him.

His dark brown hair, beautiful light brown eyes, face with a light layer of scruff, green shirt with his tight jeans takes my breath away. My memory has done nothing to preserve the way he looks. Everything about him was dull in comparison to real life. “Expectin’ someone?” his Southern drawl is more prominent since I haven’t heard it in a while.

Wyatt Hennington stands in my doorway, taking up every inch of space.

At first, I feel joy. He came here. He’s in Philadelphia, clearly looking for me. I’ve dreamed of this night after night, and finally, he came. Then, another wave of emotion hits, this time it’s confusion. Why the hell is he here? He watched me walk away almost three weeks ago. Did he get lost and end up here? I don’t get it. He made it clear how he felt. Each day that he stayed away, he made a choice . . . what changed?

Finally, I settle on the most prominent feeling I have—anger. So now he shows his face? Out of nowhere and without so much as a text? After letting me feel this horrible pain for weeks? Yeah, well, fuck him. He’s seventeen days too late.

“Not you.” I slam the door in his face.

My back rests against the door, and I hold on to the hurt and anger. Those are emotions I can work with. My heart races as I picture him on the other side of the door.

“Angie.” He knocks again. “Please, baby, open up.”

I spin around and glare at the door. “I’m not your ‘baby’.”

“Can we talk?” he asks. “Please?”

“Nope. Go home, Wyatt. I have nothing to say to you.” That’s not exactly true. Actually, that’s completely untrue. I rip open the door and put my hands on my hips. “You know what? I do have something to say. Screw you. Screw you so hard your dick falls off. I can’t believe you have the balls to show up here like this. You promised me you’d be there for me. That you were going to fight to show me how much I should love you. Good job, jackass. You did that, and then you tossed me out like last night’s trash after we’d just lost our
baby
! Our daughter died, and you couldn’t man up. We’re done. I’m done crying over you, waiting for you to show up at my door, and I’m fixing this gaping hole you left in my heart myself. I. Am.
Done
!”