Saying Goodbye, Part Two (Passports and Promises Book 1) (16 page)

“That’s the one thing we don’t have, Malcolm. Time. The semester is over in less than a month.”

“Then you’d best hurry up. A group of us are going to stay at an
onsen
next weekend. I’ve heard the hot springs there are incredible, and the cherry trees will be in bloom. Maybe you and Hula Chick should join us.”

“What’s going on with you and Hana?”

He shrugged. “We’re just having fun. Here she is now.”

Hana came back from the restroom and sat on my other side. “Did you tell her the news?”

He shook his head. “I got an offer, from the Australian rugby team. I’ll start training as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fantastic,” I said, giving him a hug. I snuck a glance at Thomas as I did so. He scowled again, so I gave Malcolm another hug just to get even with him.

“That isn’t the only news. Thomas got an offer, too. From Scotland. Now, he must decide what to do. He has to let them know in two weeks. And you know what his other option is, right?”

I shook my head. “I have no idea.”

“The Institute of Applied Linguistics. He got in. He found out a month ago. Personally, I don’t think he has a choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Playing for Scotland is a once in a lifetime opportunity. If he turns it down, he’ll regret it forever.”

My shoulders slumped. “Is this that whole speech about if you love something, let it go?”

Malcolm thought about it. “Nope. This is the let-Thomas-play-for-Scotland-while-he-still-can speech, before his knees give out and he has to quit. There is a short window for rugby, Sam. Two years is a long time. He can always go to school later.”

“So what exactly do you want me to do, Malcolm?”

He let out a long sigh. “Whatever is best for Thomas.”

I gave him a sad little smile, paid my tab, and stood up. “I think we both know what is best for Thomas, and it’s probably not me.”

I spent the next few days with my sister, trying not to think about Thomas. Or talk about Thomas. Or dream about Thomas. Because I knew Malcolm was right. Thomas would regret not playing for Scotland. He’d have a lifetime of opportunities to go to graduate school, but if he waited to play rugby, he might lose his chance forever.

I cried when I said goodbye to Sophie and Jake, and clung to both of them at the airport. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that both of you came here.”

Jake nodded, choked up. He, better than anyone, understood what his visit had meant to me.

I sent them back with gifts for my parents and his parents and promises to Skype and call more often. After they left, I poured myself back into my studies. I still carried the Gaelic dictionary around with me, and worked at trying to learn some basic vocabulary and simple phrases, but at this point I didn’t even know why I bothered.

I loved Thomas. With all my heart. But the best thing for him would be for me to let him go.

We finished our research project together, which turned into a special form of agony. I sat right next to him as we organized all the information, talking about sex and alcohol and blowjobs and the seedy, dirty underworld of Japanese society. I tried to ignore his nearness, his warmth, even as we wrote about love hotels and all I could think about was having his hands on me, his naked body next to mine.

“I can tie up the rest,” I said softly. “I’ll email it to you so you can look it over before we submit it.”

“Okay, then,” he said, but he didn’t get up. We sat in a quiet corner of the library. It was late on a Sunday night. No one else was around.

“That way you don’t have to do this again.”

“Do what?”

I gathered my things, still unable to look at his face. “See me. Or ignore me. Or…whatever.”

Letting him go would be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I had to do it for his sake. In all actuality, he’d never really been mine to begin with. Months of friendship followed by a week of kisses and one night of passion. Now we were left with nothing.

“Sam,” he said, stopping me as I turned to leave.

“What?”

“You forgot your pencil.”

He handed it to me, his fingers brushing against mine, and then walked out of the library and into the night.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

O
n Friday morning, Hana tried to convince me to go to the onsen
with her. “It’ll be fun,” she said. “You don’t even have to be around Thomas if you don’t want to.”

“I’m okay,” I said, forcing myself to smile. “I have a lot of work to do, and I want to spend some time with Mr. Ando before I leave.”

“Your mysterious Japanese boyfriend. Fine. I get it. But if you change your mind, there is a later train. Don’t forget.”

I gave her a hug. “I won’t.”

Spring had finally come to Japan in all its glorious wonder. The air smelled sweet with flowers as I walked to Ryoanji, smiling as a group of children lined up behind me on a school field trip. Probably in middle school, they wore dark blue uniforms and giggled as they looked at me, whispering “
Bijin desu ne, gaijinsan wa.” That foreigner is beautiful, isn’t she?

Then they decided to practice their English on me. One brave boy stepped forward. “Hello. My name is Yuki. What is your name?”

“My name is Sam.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said, very seriously, ignoring the fact that his friends behind him erupted in giggles. “Have a nice day. Peace.”

He held up two fingers and grinned at me. “Peace,” I said back, trying not to laugh.

A different guard stood by the gate. “Mr. Ando would like to see you,” he said, speaking in Japanese and using honorific language. “He is waiting.”

I looked at him in surprise. Japanese was actually comprised of three separate languages. One for speaking to people who are your equal, one for speaking to people below your station, and one for speaking to or about people above your station. The guard used honorifics when speaking about Mr. Ando. A guard was probably above a janitor on the whole social scale of things, but perhaps Mr. Ando’s advanced age made him earn the honorific title. Not Ando-san, but Ando-sama. Interesting.

He led me to the back of the complex and through a door that said “Do Not Enter” in several languages. I looked around, surprised to discover a hidden world of monks in dark robes with shaved heads and beads in their hands. The guard, in his perfectly pressed uniform, helmet, and pristine white gloves, took me through a maze of pathways until we reached a large building in the far corner of the complex. He gently rapped on the sliding door.

“
Andosama. Gaijin no okyakusama ga irrasyamasu.”
Honorable Mr. Ando. Your foreign visitor is here.

“
Dozo, dozo.”

I heard Mr. Ando’s voice coming from inside. The guard opened the door for me, indicated I should remove my shoes, and pointed to one of the rooms inside. Then he bowed and left, shutting the door softly behind him.

I took off my shoes, putting them in one of the wooden cubbies off to the side, and ignored the slippers set out on the floor for visitors. My feet, a size nine, were huge by Japanese standards. The slippers never seemed to fit me. I was better off in my stocking feet.

I walked through the simple, elegant building, past quiet alcoves filled with paintings and flower arrangements. I heard soft murmurs of conversation coming from one of the back rooms, so I followed the sounds.

Mr. Ando lay on a bed, his head elevated, a nurse by his side. Several monks sat in
seiza,
the upright kneeling position used in meditation, on the tatami mat floor. I stared at Mr. Ando in shock. A few days ago, he’d been pruning a tree, and now he looked too tired to even lift his head. But when he smiled at me, it lit up the room.

“What’s going on?” I asked. “What happened?”

I approached him, trying very hard not to cry. This wasn’t old age. He was dying and I knew it.

“It’s cancer, and there is nothing to be done about it. Don’t be sad, Sami-chan. Don’t weep for me like you did your friend. There is no sadness in my passing, only joy.”

I knelt by his bed. “You’ve been sick a long time, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And you never told me.”

“There was no need. Knowing or not knowing, the outcome would be the same.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You aren’t a janitor are you?”

The monks behind me giggled and so did Mr. Ando, a twinkle in his eyes. “No, I am not, but being a janitor is an honorable profession. We should all strive to do whatever job is assigned to us with humility and diligence, even the smallest task.”

“I feel like I’ve been hanging out with Yoda for the last few months and just realized it.”

“Yoda from Star Wars? He is like a monk. Like me.”

“You are more than just a monk, Ando-sama,” said one of the monks from behind me. I turned to look at him.

“Who exactly is this guy?”

The monk laughed, probably at my ignorance. “He is the head monk of Ryoanji Temple. He has been for many, many years, and he is also one of the world’s most influential Zen Buddhism scholars.”

I turned back to Mr. Ando. “No way.”

He shrugged. “You saw me in my simplest form. As I prefer to be. As a janitor. Or a gardener. But we cannot change what we are. We must accept it. Gentlemen, you can leave us for now. Sami-chan and I would like to talk.”

The men got up and shuffled out of the room. “So you’re the boss around here, huh?”

He nodded. “For now at least. How have you been? Did you make your peace with your ikigai
?
With Thomas MacGregor?”

I couldn’t believe I’d been discussing my boyfriend problems with one of the world’s leading scholars of Zen Buddhism. “I don’t want to bore you with my problems.”

“Your problems do not bore me. They entertain me, like the tsukubai puzzle. You are my puzzle.”

I took a deep breath and told him all about Jake and my sister’s visit, about the letter, about Thomas and how mean he’d been lately, about Malcolm and what he’d told me about the rugby team. Mr. Ando got very excited about the rugby part, surprisingly.

“He plays rugby? I love rugby.”

“You do?”

“Oh, yes. And Japan has a good team this year. It is unfortunate I will not get to see the World Cup.”

I sniffed, trying to hold back tears. “How long do you have?”

He reached out and patted my hand. “Not much longer. I will spend another week here, and then return to my home in Aichi-ken so my sister can fuss over me. She likes to fuss over me, and I prefer to die in the house where I was born. A full circle. I want it to end that way.”

“I’ll miss you,” I said, not about to stop the tears. “You helped me so much. More than I can ever express. You were a friend to me when I needed it most.”

Mr. Ando gave me a gentle smile. “Friendship is a beautiful thing. I’m happy I am your friend, Sami-chan. Love is a beautiful thing, too. What will you do about Thomas?”

I let out a long, shaky breath, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands. “I don’t know. I don’t want to mess things up for him.”

“His path is already set. It is destiny. It is not your job to control his fate. Thomas might regret it forever if he doesn’t play rugby, but that is not certain. What is certain is you will regret it forever if you don’t tell him how you feel.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I
know
I’m right,” he said, giving me a wink. “I’m one of the world’s leading experts on Zen Buddhism. I know everything.”

“What should I do? How can I make him understand?”

“First of all, don’t listen to me. Don’t listen to Malcolm or Hana or anyone else. Listen to your heart. Speak from your heart. Tell him the words he most needs to hear. Tell him the truth.”

“If you weren’t like the head monk around here, you could have been an awfully good matchmaker.”

He chuckled, leaning back on his pillows. “Maybe so. But I have one last very important question for you.”

“What?”

“What position does Thomas play? Is he a center?”

I laughed. “I have no idea.”

He looked disappointed. “Can you bring him here to meet me next week? After you get back from the onsen
?
”

“Sure,” I said. “Why are you so sure I’m going to the onsen
?”

He closed his eyes. “Because the cherry blossoms are beautiful right now. Very romantic. A good time for new beginnings.”

I said goodbye, but he was already fast asleep. I pulled his blanket up so it covered him to his shoulders, thanked the monks who sat outside his door, and sprinted back to my room. I had a train to catch.

I made the late train with only minutes to spare and texted Hana that I was on my way. She promised not to tell Thomas. The train ride took an hour, and I needed every minute of it. I frantically worked on what I wanted to say, writing it out so I wouldn’t mess it up. By the time I reached the onsen, I was a ball of nerves.

Hana met me at the entrance, dressed in a kimono. “You look awesome,” I said.

“I have one for you, too. The guys are all wearing
yukata.
It’s kind of hilarious. Thomas’ is about three sizes too small for him.”

The cherry blossom viewing party, or
hanami
, started after dark. Hana insisted I shower and take a long soak in the hot spring bath. “There is one for females only and one that is unisex. The Japanese people are pretty comfortable with it, but foreigners often wear bathing suits.”

I nodded. “I brought mine, but I don’t need it for the female bath, right?”

“Of course not.”

It was close to dinner, so the bath was empty. Located in a secluded courtyard, I showered and then stepped into the hot, inviting water. I sighed in pleasure, feeling my muscles relax. I leaned back, still not believing I’d decided to come here, but Mr. Ando had been right. If I didn’t tell Thomas how I felt, I’d regret it forever.

Hana helped me to dress, wrapping me in a pink kimono decorated with cherry blossoms. Although my arms stuck out, making the owner of the onsen laugh, I still liked the way it looked. Hana tied the middle with a red
obi,
or sash, and she even found wooden clogs in the right size for my ginormous foreign feet.

I pulled my hair up into a bun, put on a touch of makeup, and looked at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were pink from the hot bath, and my eyes glowed with excitement. Hana added some decorative combs to my hair, completing the outfit.

“The moment of truth,” I said, linking my arm through Hana’s as we walked to the party. She had on a kimono the same pale blue as the sky in spring. Hers fit perfectly, of course. No super long arms or huge feet, Hana, for once, looked very Japanese. She didn’t sound very Japanese however.

“Go big or go home,
hoaloha.”

“Did you just call me a ‘ho’ and say ‘aloha’?”

She laughed so hard she snorted. “It’s Hawaiian for beloved friend. You’re my hoaloha.”

“Aw. You’re my aloha ho, too.”

We were still laughing when we reached the grove of cherry trees down by the river, but as soon as we saw them we both grew quiet and still. The blossoms fell like pink snow from the trees, covering the ground beneath and silencing our footsteps. Paper lanterns had been strung through the trees, adding a magical glow. Music played and people sang, danced, and picnicked under the fragrant blossoms. We searched the area for our group. Malcolm saw us and waved. Thomas, who sat surrounded by a bunch of Japanese girls, froze, a piece of sushi halfway to his mouth. He did not look happy to see me. He looked pissed off, in fact. He stared at me a long moment, then his eyes went back to his food.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…”

Hana pulled my arm. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

We sat down and Thomas ignored me. Completely. He laughed and joked and drank and flirted with every other female there, but he never even glanced my way. Not once.

We had been given
bento
boxes filled with savory meats and flavorful sushi, but I barely picked at mine. I was in the most beautiful place I could imagine, sitting only a few feet away from the man I loved, but I’d never been so miserable. I felt like the chasm between us had become miles wide. But it was time to take one last chance.

I stood up and stared at Thomas, speaking in a loud voice that quavered only slightly. “I have something I’d like to say.”

Hana handed me a small cup of sake
. “
You might need this,” she said softly. I drank it like a shot. It warmed my belly, making me feel slightly better.

“What’s this about?” asked Thomas, his brows furrowing. He was ticked off I came, and ticked off I wanted to speak. He’d be even more ticked off once he heard what I had to say.

I took out the note I had tucked into the sleeve of my kimono, unfolded it, and stared at the words for a moment, my hands shaking. When I looked up at Thomas and his angry face, I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.