Scandal: The Reckless Series, Book #3 (The Reckless Crew) (17 page)

A
fter the doctor
leaves the room and Chloe is being sedated and prepared to be transferred to the OR, I walk out to the waiting room. I don’t look up for a second, staring at the tip of my scuffed boots.

“Son.”

That one word fucking shreds me all over again. I look up to our family and friends and shake my head from side to side. My legs give way and I crumple into a heap on the floor. My fists blow into the hard tile below me blow after blow. My forehead bounces off it and I scream.

My dad holds me as I let it all out in the moment. When I remain still, he whispers into my ear.

“I’ll go back with her.” He kisses the side of my cheek. “I love you, son.”

Rhett and Zane pull me up into a chair, but I just fold over onto my thighs. Not another word is spoken while we wait for Chloe. Our dead babies are being extracted from her body.

I feel everything boil up in me again. It’s anger like I’ve never fucking experienced before.

“When is it enough?” I sit upright looking around. “When is it fucking ever going to be enough?”

I stand up and hold my arms up to the ceiling. “God, are you done fucking with us? Why?”

I roar, not controlling the level of my voice. Cruz stands up and closes the door. I don’t stop. The rage pours from me with no hope of survival. I go on and on until a right hook connects with my jaw and I’m pushed back down in my chair. Rhett wrings out his hand. Cruz is on his feet, growling in his face.

A hysterical laugh escapes me. I laugh so hard my fucking gut hurts. It gets everyone’s attention.

“Look at us. This is funny as shit.” I throw my arms ups. “I’m a fucking psychotic mess, Rhett you somehow think by punching me it will shut me up, and Chloe’s half brother is going to kick your ass.”

Everyone looks puzzled and I just fucking laugh harder.

H
ow do
you move forward when life has proved you don’t earn the right to? You wake up, go to the bathroom, and follow the other steps of life. It hurts worse than a paper cut, sliver, or open gaping wound. That’s right and you’re expected to keep moving on.

Life doesn’t care if you feel worthy or not, you just have to keep moving. I’ve regretted few words of my life and even actions accepting them as a part of the cycle. But I can never take back the way I made Kip feel when I lost the babies.

I’ve tried to make him understand, but he refuses to let me. He argues it’s a part of the process. He shared his major meltdown in the waiting room and has accepted it’s all the grieving cycle, claiming it’s healthy. To me, it’s harder. I feel like a worthless piece of shit every morning. Kip makes it all better. However, I’m not sure how to kick that lingering doubt that I was only placed on this Earth to fuck everything up.

It’s a jagged pill to swallow, but one I’m forced to let slice my throat every single morning. The bleeding hasn’t stopped and neither has the empathy pouring from my friends. I hate it. I hate all of it. The only hours of my day where I feel any peace is in the dark held tight to Kip’s chest.

Then the sun rises in the morning and I’m forced right back into reality. It’s really a vicious cycle. I know all the righteous people roaming will tell you… “It gets easier with time.” or my all time favorite. “Just get right with God, sweetie.” Yep, all those useless words mean nothing to me.

“Are you still spotting?” Darby hollers from the other side of the door.

I roll my eyes and want to spew nasty words back to her, but instead I reply back with the typical response. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“Do I need to go get more pads?”

No, I’d take a butcher knife to the jugular right about now.

“We’re good,” I manage to holler back.

I don’t want to see Ava, Darby, Bernie, or any other face right now. I need sleep, darkness, and fucking peace.

By the time I make my way back out to my bedroom, Darby is in a hushed whisper with Ava in the hall. I’m able to snuggle down in my blankets, take plenty of prescribed pain pills, and drift back to sleep.

Nightmares are welcomed at this point because really, what could be worse? I’d lose my future? Too late, never worth one. I’d become scared? Doesn’t matter anymore. Or wait! The best of them all…I’d see Zack and worry about everything. Nope, he’s crushed any hopes of a future I ever dreamed of. The fucker won.

So, I drift away in silent slumber into a peaceful darkness. There’s no worry of monsters or anything else that might scare me. I’ve morphed into the monster of my own dreams and I’m ready for revenge.

The familiar warm body is pressed against my back. Whispers of promises, love, and, hope wash over me. I nestle back into knowing everything will be okay.

“Kip?”

“I’m here, baby.”

“I’m sorry.”

The hair matted on my forehead is brushed away by a tender sweet motion of lips. I fall for a second thinking everything might just turn out all right.

“Do you still love me?” I mumble through my sleep.

“I’ve never stopped, baby.”

“Can I keep falling into you?”

“Forever.”

The deep baritone of his voice is the only safety net I need. I let myself fall, heartache and all. I roll over until we’re chest to chest.

“I heard you weren’t very happy today.”

I nod, responding to his question.

“Need to talk?”

I shake my head answering again. “I just need you.”

“I love you, Chloe.”

“I love you, too, Kip, but…”

I can’t find the courage to finish.

“But what?”

“I don’t deserve you. You don’t deserve everything I’ve brought in your life.”

He props up on one elbow. “You mean I don’t deserve love.”

“It’s more than that.”

“Really? “

“Yes.” I sob.

“I’ll never quit fighting for us, Chloe. Feel all the pain you need to, baby, but I’ll never leave you.”

My days are an endless cycle. It’s a loop that never quits repeating. I’m stuck in the center of it with one caring man to ground me each morning and night.

T
he dark color has vanished
. No more bleeding and daily reminder of our loss. I’m able to wake up with Kip before he heads off to work and even shower on my own. Each morning at breakfast we sit and write in our notebooks. There’s no secret or hidden fears. We share our written words with one another. It’s okay because we both hurt and need an outlet.

“Twelve hour shift?” I ask Kip, who’s settled on the countertop across from me.

He nods, taking a large piece of cantaloupe between his teeth. The man aches with pain. It radiates from his every pore and I have no idea how to help him, but love him.

“I’ll be here,” I offer with a hopeless smile.

Kip leaps from the counter and struts straight to me. He murmurs his love for me and showers me in all sorts of praises. I have no problem offering it back. We’re both silently grieving in our own ways and soaking in our loss. With each morning that passes, I pray to a God that I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist that we can move on.

The clouds seem to cover the sun shining in the picture windows when Kip’s gone. I relive the memories one after another in my own silent hell. I’ve warded off anyone except Kip and he’s honored it. I’ve refused to let him quit the force. I want him there. He needs it in his own way.

The only solace comes when pen meets paper and my feelings really flow out with no fear of hurting anyone. Some days my hand cramps and other days tears soak the pages. But today my fingers finally find a keyboard and I let it fly; everything from the deep and horrible swirling emotions to the love of my life, Kip, and my sweet angels up in Heaven.

I type out three words in the blank manuscript. “He Killed Me.”

It’s the title, excerpt, and the whole concept because Zack won in the end. He Killed Me. He won the fight, battle, and war. A monument in his honor should be constructed. He’s the evil that took down everything worth fighting for in the world. “He Killed Me.”

I
never know
what I’m walking in to. She may be fine, a sobbing mess, or fucking high on life. It’s always a gamble and you never know what you may get. I can’t judge my girl because it’s the same exact fucking emotions I wake up to every single morning.

Life is a rollercoaster that’s for sure and I’m experiencing every single dip and low. Chloe talks to me and I’m thankful she hasn’t shut me out completely. She has no problem letting me know how pissed off she is at the universe and how much she loves me. We talk every single night and when the sun rises. We share our hopes and fear and mainly our loss.

She’s never pushed me away since feeling our babies die inside her. Some say they weren’t our babies and just fetuses…well fuck that. Those were my babies and last night I was given proof.

I’ve slept like shit since the wreck, waking every few minutes to make sure my girl is firmly secure against my chest. Well, last night I drifted off far into the world of slumber and my mom greeted me. It wasn’t a bloody and brutal scene, it was far different. She was rocking two babies, one in each arm. A boy and girl with dark curly hair and beautiful brown eyes that make my heart happy. The smile plastered on her face stopped me dead in my tracks. She saw me but her main focus was on the sweet angels in her arms. Her chair rocked back and forth as she sang my favorite nursery hymn.

She blew me a kiss and went back to the babies. It was Heaven. Peaceful and full of joy, something I’ve rarely experienced until Chloe.

“Have a good day, baby?” I murmur against her neck.

Her breathing is hard and rhythmic, matching my heartbeat. I know she’s out.

“I had the best dream last night.” I close my eyes and tug her back closer to my chest and hope like hell I have the same dream tonight.

Life may not be fair, but when you find the one worth loving, it sure in the fuck is worth fighting for.

My eyelids grow heavy and darkness takes over. It’s only a slight second before light appears and then my mother’s golden curly locks appear. She has two babies again and she waves me over. With heavy footsteps I walk up to her waiting to see the abuse inked on her skin, but it’s vanished.

“Kip.” She takes my hand and I fall to my knees.

I reach for the babies but feel nothing. Tears stream down at my face studying the amazing souls she has clutched in her lap.

“I have them. They’re okay, son.”

“Thank you, Mom,” I whisper.

Then sleep fully takes over. A piece of my cracked inside begins mending. My heart is light again and I just sleep. The sun shines through the windows and when I crack my eyes open and feel in the bed, there’s no Chloe. I look up to the alarm clock and notice it’s one in the afternoon.

“Holy shit.” I stretch in the bed extending my arms and legs, feeling each muscle strain.

“Chloe,” I holler out.

“Living room, baby.”

Her voice is light and concentrated at the same time. I throw my legs over the bed and stand, stretching out my tired extremities. By the time I make it out to the living room, Chloe’s curled on the couch with her MacBook tucked into her lap. Her fingers fly across the keyboard. She doesn’t notice me standing across from her in the open kitchen that faces the living room.

I let her pour out her emotions on the keyboard while I prepare us lunch. My stomach grumbles in protest and needs some damn food. I dig out leftover chicken from the fridge and begin to grill us sandwiches with it. I pour her a glass of wine and grab a beer from the fridge. I set our plates on the coffee table and go back for our drinks.

Chloe’s determined, still pounding away on the keyboard. I slowly approach her with our drinks in our hands until she looks up at me.

“That smells so good.” She looks up and smiles at me. “But Jesus you look even better. Delicious.”

I look down to me in only my boxers and then to my hands with our drinks in them and give her a crooked grin.

“That damn smile keeps me going every single day, Kip.”

I hand her the glass of white wine then take a seat next to her. She takes a long swallow of the wine before looking over to me.

“I’ve been having dreams,” I offer.

Concern covers her face immediately; she climbs into my lap straddling my legs while delicately juggling her wine glass, careful not to waste a drop of it. Her lips cover the edge of the wine glass and she takes another sip.

“Want to talk about it?” she asks, licking her lips.

I growl and buck up into her. “Don’t do that again. It’s sexy as fuck.”

“Sexy is bad?” she asks with an evil smile on her face.

“No, not at all, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to control myself.”

“It’s time, Kip.”

We haven’t had sex in nearly two months since the accident. We’ve been healing and grieving. I’ve even been seeing a counselor provided by the force.

I wink at her. “About my dream.”

“Can we just focus on some good for a while, baby?”

“It wasn’t a nightmare. The first good dream I’ve had in forever.”

Leaning forward, I set my beer on the floor then grip her hips, pulling her close to me.

“I saw them. They’re with my mom. The babies are okay.”

Silent tears roll down her face and then a peaceful smile shines back at me. She raises the wine glass to her lips and finishes the wine. Chloe darts her tongue out and licks the remnants of it off.

“We deserve our future, baby.” I tangle a hand in her hair and tug her head back, exposing her neck to me.

Her wine glass tumbles to the couch. It’s symbolic of us letting go and moving forward. My lips graze the skin on her neck. I growl into it and then dart my tongue out, licking her. My teeth nip her skin and I feel her squirm in my lap. I shower kisses behind the stinging bites.

“Kip,” she moans out. “Claim me again. Let’s do this.”

“Fuck,” I growl into her neck.

She releases something inside me. I shred her tank from her to see her perfect tits come into view. No bra, perfect. I ache to take a nipple in my mouth and I can’t hold back anything in this moment. I roll one perfect budded peak between my fingers and begin to lightly kiss her other nipple. I grasp it between my teeth and then suck on it.

Chloe’s hand fumbles down between us until she’s palming my dick in her hand. She slowly begins stroking it from base to tip.

“More. I need more. All of you, Kip.” Her hips buck into me, pressing my want for her into my abdomen. I roll her back onto the couch and stare down at her.

“I love you so fucking much,” I tell her before attacking her mouth.

We kiss like we never have before with our tongues searching and finding exactly what they need. Chloe pulls me further down into her. We kiss forever, reminding each other exactly what we don’t want to lose. Each other.

I pull up, knowing if I keep this up I’ll be fucking blowing my load all over her. “I need you now, baby.”

She rolls over onto her stomach, props herself up on her palms and knees. I drag down her booty shorts to only find she’s not wearing any panties.

“If I had to guess, you had this planned.” I roam my palm over her perfect ass cheek.

“It’s time for us.” She looks back to me. “Now fuck me.”

I reach forward, making sure her arms are braced on the arm of the couch. “Oh, I’m going to fuck you, baby.”

There’s a bond between us that can never be broken. My need for her throbs out of control as I ease my way into her inch by inch. I freeze once all the way in, clutching her hips in my hands.

“Let go, Kip, you’re not going to break me.”

“I can’t ever lose you.”

“You never will. We’ve come through all this; there’s nothing that can break us.”

Her words crack me. A swell in my chest consumes me when I begin driving in and out of her. In a matter of moments, I lose all control, taking her rough and hard. I’ve missed her so fucking much and now she’s giving me all of her. I hook an arm around the front of her so our bodies are as close as possible.

She falls into my embrace while crying out her pleasure. I pull her up to me until we are both on our knees with connected bodies. I drive in and out of her feeling the tingle in my spine and my balls tighten. My hand with my white gold band on my ring finger reaches around to stroke her bud.

It’s swollen and ready for release. Her hand joins mine stroking my cock as it enters her with each thrust. Her pussy squeezes my dick so hard it feels like I’m going to explode.

“Kip, Kip, Kip, Kip,” she sings out as she lets go. I follow right after her. Our bodies collapse onto the couch fulfilled.

She moans under me pushing her ass back to me, asking for more.

“Are we going to have an old-fashioned all day fuck session?”

“Yes, please,” she answers me.