Scandalous: The Senator's Secret Bride (17 page)

“All you’ve given me are ‘maybes’ and ‘afters,’ John.”

“It feels like that’s all you’ve given me, Sonia.”
 

“If that’s all we can give each other, then leaving is the right decision. Now, please go. I
quit
, in case that wasn’t clear.” I gestured to the hallway and wiped away my mascara-tinged tears. John sighed deeply and walked to the door, pausing for a moment and reaching out to touch my arm. I flinched and pulled away.
 

“Go,” I said. He walked out of the hallway and disappeared into the elevator. Janice had won, and all along, we’d done nothing to protect ourselves. I frowned and closed the door, expecting to feel relief, a great calm washing over me. But instead, my limbs felt heavy, lifeless. I let out a deep breath and fell on the bed, too tired to pull the covers down. I closed my eyes and drifted into a restless sleep, alone and so far away from anyone who would love me.

***

I startled awake, my heart racing. It felt like I’d forgotten something, left something behind, something
important.
But that couldn’t be. I was in my own hotel room, and I hadn’t left to go anywhere at all. In the morning, I would set off for North Carolina and find my way to the only two people who would comfort me without judgment, without anger.
 

I rubbed my eyes, then looked to the clock. 4AM. But my brain was wired, buzzing with electricity, almost like I’d had a jolt of strong coffee. I groaned and rolled over, trying to force my eyes closed. But my brain wouldn’t cooperate. After all hell had broken loose, there was no rest for the weary. Admitting defeat, I put my slippers on and walked out of my room, propelled forward by the energy coursing through my veins
 

I meandered into the grand hotel lobby of The Jefferson. At four in the morning on a Saturday, the place was empty. The bar was closed, chairs set up on the grand wooden tables. Down on the first floor, chairs and immaculately decorated tables stood among empty trays and glasses, waiting for the world-famous brunch to begin in five hours.
 

I looked around, wondering just what it was that I needed. Company? A friend? Someone to tell me to go home, go have my baby in shame? Adopt her away?
 

Her.
I looked down at my belly.
Are you a her? Why am I thinking that you’re
telling
me something
?

I walked along the grand, plush carpet, my footfalls silent in the darkened lobby. The only sound was the steady hum of the heating system, kicking on for the first time on this cool October night. I sank onto a bench that overlooked the lower lobby, uncomfortable in the strange stillness after the nearly murderous pace we’d kept for the past few weeks. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of gold—bright gold curls running by in one of the side hallways, and a quick peek of a black and gold dress.
 

A child... At this hour?
I leapt to my feet and ran to the hallway, looking down into its emptiness. Just a trick of the mind. Probably hormones running amok. But then I saw it again. There she was, peeking at me around the corner with big, bright green eyes.

“You found me! I was trying to hide! Go out and count again!” She giggled and hid behind the doorway again. Her voice seemed somehow familiar, hitting me in a place deep in my gut, activating all the queasiness of my pregnancy again. I put my hand to my belly and stepped around the corner. The girl stood in one of the grand ballrooms, twirling in circles, her black and gold skirt billowing out around her like a cloud.

“Sweetheart, where are your parents? It’s time for little people like you to be in bed.”

“Silly! You’re my mama! Daddy’s asleep. You told him to take a sleeping pill since he was all nervous. So he’s sleeping. I can’t sleep.”

Mama
. I fell to my knees, tears coming to my eyes in a hot rush. The little girl ran over to me and cupped my face in her hands.

“Silly Mama. Don’t cry. I know we are moving to a new house, but we’ll be okay.”

“A new house?”

“Yes. It’s all you and daddy talk about. You’re scared, and he’s always got a nervous tummy. But I’m brave enough for all of us.” My breath hitched in my throat, tears rolling down over the girl’s cool, soft hands.

“Who’s your daddy?” It came out in a raspy whisper, my throat aching, burning with emotion.

“Mama, he’s just Daddy. The handsomest man in the world. And he loves you and me more than anything in the world, and that’s why he’s got to make the world a better place for us to live in. I’m his Jessie, and he calls you Baby, even though your name is Mama.” I laughed, tears streaming. I looked into those eyes, streaked with gold, her skin caramel like my mother’s. All a vision of golden brown hair, bouncing perfect curls.

“I’m nobody’s mama, sweetie. And I’m nobody’s wife.”

“You’re my mama! But I know you’re scared. That’s why I’m here, to be brave for you and Daddy. It’s a special day for all of us. For the country, too.” I put my hands on top of hers, closing my eyes for a moment. I fell into darkness, my body falling back into a pillowy softness.

A second later I opened my eyes, sweating and panting. I sat bolt upright, bringing my hand to my heart in the darkness of my hotel room. I looked at the clock. 5AM. Nearly time to wake. But minutes ago, I had been talking with a girl named Jessie, and I’d been wandering through the halls of the grand old hotel. It couldn’t be. I closed my eyes and sunk back down in the sheets. It might have been a dream.
It was a dream.

“A dream. Jessie. Jessamyn.” The tears came in full now, and I cried into my pillow, my face growing hot with rage and confusion. Some time later, I was asleep again, waking blearily to my 6 AM alarm. I rose and walked in a daze to the coffee pot.

“My baby. My little girl. Always mine,” I muttered. “I promise you’ll always be with me.” For a moment, I thought I could feel the shadow of movement inside. But it was far too early for that—it was probably just the queasiness of my first trimester. Soon to be my second. But somehow, I could feel her. My child, as real as a person I could touch and feel before me. Far more real, in fact, than the people saying horrible things about me, saying horrible things about John. I took a sip of the coffee and looked at the sun rising over the sleepy city of Richmond. If I left now, I could make it to my parents’ house in three hours, and not a single reporter would know where I was.
 

“I could go, Jessamyn. Protect you from all of this. Besides, it’s about time you met your grandparents.” I swung my bags over my shoulders, hoping that I wouldn’t run into a nasty reporter who had been waiting all night for the scoop on John’s secret bride. I shuddered and crept into the hallway. I was greeted by the noises of housekeepers and servers starting their day. I caught the eye of a young woman bringing breakfast to a room, then waved at her like a crazy person. She turned, and I saw that she, too, was pregnant, much further along than I was.
 

“Can you get me to the staff elevator that goes down to the parking garage?” The woman looked at me, recognition sweeping over her face. “Please, please help me. I can’t. I’m pregnant, and I just want to get home to my parents. All I want is to protect my baby. I have to get the hell out of here.” The woman brought a finger to her lips.

“Shhh. Those people are everywhere.” She caught my arm and led me to the end of the hall to a door marked “Staff Only.” “Go down the steps here. They lead right to the garage. If you see anyone, keep your head down and go
fast
. They’re out for blood, aren’t they?” I nodded.

“Thank you,” I whispered. She opened the door, and I walked into an empty stairwell. “Thank you so much.” The woman paused and nodded.
 

“Just get out, and take care of yourself.” She let go of the door, and it closed behind me. I ran down the stairs, nearly tripping as I entered the depths of the hotel basement. I ran into the parking garage, making a beeline for my car.

“For once,” I whispered, “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.” I threw my bags in and started the car, rolling out of the garage and onto an empty Richmond street.
 

There were news vans parked all along the street, reporters filing into the building, one after the other.
 

“No one will know where we are, baby. And nothing can get any worse than this.”
 

The sky lit up with the sunrise, the reds and yellows of fall greeting me as I turned onto the highway. I drove on, blissfully unaware of just how vindictive Janice Howell could be.
 

October 29, 2016

Eight Days until Election Day

I pulled my beat up Subaru Forester out of the parking garage of the Jefferson. There was a packed suitcase in the back seat, containing only what I’d brought with me to Richmond. I’d have to sneak into Target and buy enough stretchy pants to last me until May 31
st
. When the baby came.

Just in time for Mother’s Day.

“Fuck everything,” I muttered, turning out onto the street, the car unfamiliar. I sighed deeply and turned on the radio, the low mutter of NPR in the background as I made my way to the highway. At this time of morning, I could go south and make my way to North Carolina before noon.
 

“Goodbye John, I gotta be somewhere people won’t come and find me. At least not right away.” The way the media had made it sound, people would be journeying to find me even if I flew to my grandparents’ place in Jamaica. I sighed and zoomed along the morning streets, just beginning to buzz with commuter traffic. I sailed along to the highway, the autumn trees expanding out before me.
 

“Finally free,” I muttered.

And the campaign. The damn campaign. Like I’d said to Kelly, it was all rotten. I’d fucked it all up. My phone buzzed, and I saw John’s name flash across the screen.
 

“You? No, absolutely not. You know what John? I’m going to turn this damn phone off and then block your number when I get to North Carolina. I might have been stupid to sleep with you. But hell, you were even worse.” I clicked my phone off and threw it on the passenger seat, leaning back in the driver’s seat and placing my hand over my belly as I zoomed past the traffic making its way into DC. “It’s okay, baby. I’m going to protect you. I don’t know if you’re a little girl for sure, but whatever you are, I’ll be with you every step of the way. And your mama will always protect you.”

Even if my baby was going to be the subject of the tabloids for the next months, she would be born into a world of unconditional love. That was decided, as certain as anything I’d ever known. She would have her granny and her granddaddy and her mama. And she wouldn’t need a man who seemed to care far more about his campaign, his privacy, than his wife and child. I grew red as I thought about his dismissive voice, telling me to go if I wanted. Telling me to throw away my career. And to think, I’d been trying to protect him all along. A true man, a real man... he wouldn’t have done this.
 

“Maybe I wasn’t the one who made it all rotten. Maybe I wasn’t the one who screwed everything up. I’m kind of thinking not, right baby?” In the past days, I had started to expand. My muscles and my skin, even my bones... it all felt completely different. Like I was making
space
for something new. The world around me seemed to fade out, and I kept my eyes focused on the road. The vision of the little girl flickered through my mind again, her twirling golden skirt, her beautiful green eyes on mine. The spark of love I saw there. Had that future ever been a possibility? Had John ever thought that we could be a
family
? I shook my head and pressed down on the pedal, bound for North Carolina.

***

I pulled my car into the driveway in the tiny, old neighborhood where my parents had lived for the past thirty years. Their life was so far away from mine, and I’d hardly visited in the time since I’d moved to Virginia for graduate school. They came to see me once every few months, using the opportunity to eat at the famous restaurants in the city and tour the Smithsonian. But I hadn’t come home in over a year, almost like I was denying this part of who I was. Maybe like I hadn’t considered it in far too long. Growing up here, I’d been a tomboy and a student, just as at home playing soccer in the field behind our house as I had in the run-down elementary school at the end of the street. In a predominantly black, middle-class neighborhood, I’d never stood out all that much. And in a small town that valued hard work and high morals, I’d been valued by everyone around me.
 

“I guess it took going somewhere else to see just how little a man can value a woman.” I turned the car off and opened the car door, my limbs heavy with exhaustion, my mind heavy with sadness. If this had been some kind of fairy tale, John would have run after me. He would have told me just how much he wanted to give it a try. He would have told me about the love he already felt for our child, about the life we would have together. He wouldn’t have looked down and sent me away. And he never would have left me to fend for myself against Janice, against the media, against everything that we were facing. I saw my father walking up to the car from the shed, and tears sprung to my eyes.
 

“Well, if it isn’t my darlin’, come home to see me. You came to see me right?” He winked at me and walked up to the car, drawing me into a hard hug. “That’s what your mama said.”

“Daddy, if you’ve seen the news...”
 

“We don’t hardly turn that damn thing on, anymore. Well, we watch
Netflix
. But no news is good news, if you ask me. At least these days.” There was a twinkle in my eye. My dad grabbed the bag from the car and took my arm, leading me up the old cement steps of their 1950s brick rambler. The lawn was freshly mowed, even though it was getting towards mid-October and the grass had probably stopped growing. My throat tightened, and I knew my father had mowed it for me. Such a simple kindness, a gesture of love. And he and my mama had kept the TV off, just like I’d asked. I walked inside to the smell of apple cobbler, picked fresh from the trees that surrounded our small town.