Scars of the Future (28 page)

I sat up straight and smiled at Liv. Her fussing stopped almost instantly when she stuck her fist back into her mouth to suck furiously. Jenny and I moved onto lighter subjects, just catching up, and I realized how good it felt to smile. The door pushed open and Matt stuck his head through.

“Hey, the girls are back with food for everyone. Come eat and I’ll warm up a bottle for Olivia.”

I shook my head. “I can nurse her. You guys go eat and we’ll be right there.”

Matt and Jenny left the room and I spent a few precious moments with my baby. I had no idea how put-together I would be at this point if it weren’t for Olivia and Matt. The two of them kept me collected and focused. I ran my fingers over her small head and watched as her little eyes fluttered closed while she ate. I pulled a pink cap on top of her head and when she had fallen asleep, I tucked her into the bassinet. Turning on the baby monitor, I left her in the bedroom and went into the living room to find everyone else.

Matt, Jenny, Maddie, Josh, and Sydney were sitting at the round kitchen table chatting, their finished lunches in front of them. They were talking about my mom and Olivia, and Matt was describing how happy Mom was whenever Olivia would smile at her. I listened for a moment, letting the happy memories of my mother wash over me.

Matt saw me first and popped up from the table to wrap his arms around me.

“Hey sweets,” he murmured into my ear. “Come eat.” He directed me into the chair he’d just vacated and I gave everyone a small smile.

“These look good. Thanks for picking it up.” I nibbled on the sub sandwich and raised my eyebrows at the table. Everyone was staring at me in silence and I hated it.

“Do I have something on my face?”

Maddie cracked a smile and shook her head. “Sorry. We just love you so that constitutes worry. Is Olivia asleep?”

I nodded and gestured towards the baby monitor that I’d placed on the sofa table. “She’ll probably sleep about two hours.”

Jenny grinned. “She is such a little beauty. She is a perfect mix of both of you.”

“I think she looks like Matt,” I replied as I glanced at where he was leaning up against the counter. He just shook his head.

“She looks like you.”

Maddie rolled her eyes and smiled at Jenny. “This argument could go on for days, just so you know.”

Things felt a bit easier with Jenny there. I was thankful for my friends, of course. Maddie and Sydney had known my mom for years, but not like Jen had. She had also been there through the harder moments and it was nice to have someone else who knew.

The next few days were a whirlwind as we finalized the funeral arrangements for my mother. Our house always seemed to have two extra people in it as they offered to help out with the baby. The viewing had been scheduled on Friday with the funeral on Saturday before her cremation.  Matt had extended his leave by two more weeks, and I caught his watchful glances he constantly sent my way. I think he was even more thankful that Jenny was staying in the guestroom than I was.

He had been amazing. As the days passed, I fell apart and Matt put me together. He shook hands, he thanked people, and he even gave the most amazing eulogy for my mother. I wasn’t sure what I would have done without him.

Sunday, I sat in the living room with just Olivia. Jenny had gone home that morning after making me promise to email her constantly. Matt had left to get some more diapers, and it was the first time I’d been left alone in a week. I sat Olivia against my propped up knees, holding a toy out in front of her. She batted her tiny fits at it, and I laughed softly at her determination. She glanced at my face as I laughed and a smile crossed hers.

I pulled her close and she grabbed fistful of my hair, trying to take it into her mouth to suck on.

“Not my hair, beautiful,” I said quietly as I pried it from her grasp. She just smiled and stuck her empty fist into her tiny mouth. She stared at me with big blue eyes that got lighter every day.

“I miss Grandma, Liv,” I sighed. “She was the most amazing mommy ever. If I’m half as great as she is, you’ll be a lucky girl.” I choked back tears. “Half as great as she
was
.”

Olivia just held my gaze for a few more minutes before she started fussing, and after nursing her I tucked her into the bassinet. I went back out to the kitchen and Matt was just walking inside the garage door.

“Hey sweets,” he said, putting the bags he had on the table. “Is the baby asleep?”

I nodded and hoisted myself up on the counter. “I just put her down.”

“How are you feeling?” He stepped close so he was between my legs and I shrugged.

“The same. I miss her so much.”

Matt brought his hands up to my face and cupped my cheeks gently.

“Oh Manda, I wish I could take your pain away.”

I reached up and laced my fingers behind his neck. “You have no idea how much you help, Matt. I could not have done all of this without you. You’re my rock.”

He brushed a strand of hair away from my face and the corners of his mouth tipped up. “It’s the most wonderful job someone could have. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.” I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. After a moment, Matt pulled back and smiled.

“I stopped and grabbed a few movies from the kiosk. There was a new Melissa McCarthy movie that the critics say ‘is guaranteed to make you laugh.’ Wanna watch it?” He dropped his voice to a low whisper. “I bought popcorn.”

“Well, since you mentioned popcorn…” I let Matt tug me from the counter and we cuddled together on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in his lap. The movie really was hilarious and by the end I felt ten times better. I thought back to what Jenny had said about my mom worrying about me. I felt a small calm wash over me. Mom had passed away knowing she didn’t have to worry and for that I was thankful.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I made it through the following weeks feeling better each day. I still missed my mother fiercely and there was no changing that. The sadness from her death didn’t lessen but the pain did. I submersed myself in my family. Sydney had finally taken a pregnancy test and was, in fact, pregnant. She was due at the end of September and Claire would brag to anyone who’d listen about her approaching sisterly duties.

Sydney and David had decided to get married in early May, just one year after they had reconnected. Maddie was less than thrilled with the prospect of being near the end of her pregnancy and in a wedding, complaining about how big she’d be. Sydney had placated her, though, with the talks of possibly going to Hawaii for the ceremony. Sydney had always wanted a destination wedding and her parents were adamant about giving her the perfect one. I knew that they were trying to do all they could to make up for lost time with Syd, and they definitely could afford it.

“I think I’m going to see if I can do part time work for a while,” I said one afternoon in early March. “If I can do part time I wouldn’t be opposed to hiring a nanny.”

Matt nodded his head thoughtfully. “If you want to take a year off, no one would fault you, sweets.”

“I know, but I’m not sure I want to do that.” I snapped the body suit that I’d put on Olivia and let my hand run over her almost chubby legs. “So many difficult decisions.”

Jill had been right. The county had offered me a full-time position as a social worker. It was with CPS and not APS as I’d hoped, but I would get to continue being Jill’s partner and that made me really happy.

I finished getting the baby dressed and followed Matt to the living room. He gave me a look. “You need to decide, Amanda, because there’s only two weeks left before you’re supposed to start. If we need to hire a nanny, I want to take our time.”

I groaned and laid Olivia on her play mat in the middle of the living room. She let out a happy coo as she stared at the toys dangling above her head.

“I know. I’m trying to decide, trust me.” I moved into the kitchen and began to heat up some leftover chicken from the night before. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving,” Matt said as he came up behind me and rest his hands at my hips. I giggled as his lips hit my neck and shook my head.

“For food, smart ass.” I reached my fingers up to tangled in his hair, turning my head so our lips could connect. Matt ran his hands down my sides and hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of my jeans. A knock sounded on the door, pulling us out of our moment and making me jump, hitting his cheek with my forehead in the process.

“Ouch,” he laughed, rubbing the side of his face. He gave me a chaste kiss before moving to the front door. He put his hand on the knob but didn’t open the door. Instead, he turned and fixed me with a hard stare. “This isn’t over.”

He opened the door and moved back to let his mother and stepfather in. He leaned down to give his mom a kiss on the cheek and pat Craig’s back.

Linda hugged me close and sat on the floor next to Olivia, smiling as she did. Craig took a seat on the couch and I sat next to him as Matt took the armchair.

“How are you guys?” I angled my body so I was looking at Craig. He smiled and gestured towards the baby.

“How could we be anything but great with that little girl in the room?”

Matt let out a chuckle. “That’s how I feel.”

Linda had fought hard to keep from picking Olivia up, but she’d lost and was cradling her in her arms with a smile. She finally tore her gaze away from her granddaughter to look between Matt and me.

“We actually have a real reason for coming. Have you two figured out what to do about childcare for Liv yet?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. We were just talking about that.”

Linda looked at Craig and he nodded back to her before she continued. “What if I watched her while you were at work?”

I raised my eyebrows in confusion. “I don’t understand. You have to work, too.”

Craig reached his hands out expectantly and Linda passed off Olivia as she took the seat on the other side of me.

“I don’t, not with Craig working. We have been talking about it a lot and I’ve worked really hard all of my life. Don’t get me wrong- I love my job, but I never had a chance to be there for my kids completely.”

Matt frowned. “You were always there for us, Ma.”

Linda gave him a smile. “As much as I could be, but you took on a lot of responsibility with Madelyn to help me out. I don’t regret it because you turned into an amazing young man, but I wish I had been home more. The next best thing would be a stay-at-home grandma if the two of you would be okay with that. I would love to watch Olivia during the day and hopefully Madelyn and Josh’s little one whenever she returns to work. Olivia and her cousin would have each other during the day and I’d get my fill of my granddaughters- especially if I got to watch Claire at times, too.”

I stared at my mother-in-law for a moment, completely speechless. What she was offering was amazing. I had so many reservations about going back to work and leaving Olivia with a stranger, but the knowledge that my daughter would be in the hands of someone who loved her as much as I did was instantly comforting.

I chanced a glance to Matt, who had a huge smile on his face, and I knew that he was as thrilled with this idea as I was. I turned on the couch so that I could throw my arms around Linda and hers came around me, both of us holding each other tight.

“Thank you,” I said, my voice muffled as I pressed my face into her shoulder. “I couldn’t imagine a situation more perfect for Olivia.”

When we pulled back she cupped my cheek with her hand. “I think it’s a great situation all of the way around. We haven’t talked to Madelyn yet, but I’m hoping she’s okay with it as well.”

Matt rolled his eyes but the smirk on his lips offset the motion. “She’s going to be happy about it, too. Although, taking care of two infants is going to be exhausting for you.” A serious expression crossed his face. “You’ll let us pay you for this, Mom.”

It was Craig who shook his head in response as he tore his eyes from Olivia. “No, we won’t. We won’t accept money for watching our grandchildren.”

Matt gave him a look that plainly said ‘We’ll see’ and he reached over to shake Craig’s hand. I hugged Linda again and we spoke for a little while to plan out the details. Craig and Linda already had a lot of baby items at their house but we settled on a few more things that Matt and I would buy to keep there.

The pair left a little while later, after reluctantly handing Olivia over to Matt. I called Jill to let her know that I would be coming back as planned and definitely as full time. All of the apprehension I had been carrying around regarding going back disappeared. I knew that Linda would keep her safe and that she would be doted on constantly.

Matt and I went to Target that evening and I stood in the aisle reading ingredients on different baby shampoos. Olivia sucked on a little wrist rattle that I’d put on her when we left the house and I bounced her in one hand as I pulled different baby shampoo off the shelf with the other.

“What are you even looking for, sweets?” Matt looked at me with an amused expression.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just comparing them.”

“Want me to take Liv?”

“I’ve got her,” I replied as I smiled at him. “I know you’re bored. Go. I’ll meet you in the electronics when I’m done here.”

Matt leaned over and kissed my forehead before doing the same to Olivia. “I love you.”

I laughed softly. “I love you, too.”

I continued to read the different labels and finally settled on the one that sounded the most natural. I dropped it in the cart and shifted Olivia to my other arm. She let out a tiny, angry squeal when she couldn’t get rattle back into her mouth and I chuckled as I helped her out.

“So impatient, little one.”  Olivia gummed on the rattle and I turned the cart around so we could head to meet Matt. I was barely out of the aisle when I heard someone say my name.

“Amanda?”

I turned my head and saw Kristen carrying a hand basket in her hand. She was as pretty as ever, and her new haircut left her hair sitting at her shoulders.

“Kristen, hi.”

She looked at me before bringing her eyes to Olivia for a moment. A small smile appeared at her lips and she looked back at me.

“You had your baby.”

I nodded and looked down at Liv with a grin. “Olivia. She’s almost fourteen weeks old.”

“She’s pretty cute.” Kristen watched her for a moment and we both laughed when Olivia let out her squeal again. I placed the pacifier in her mouth and looked at Kristen.

“She’s still trying to get her coordination under control and it’s apparently very frustrating.”

“I can totally understand that.” She cleared her throat. “I can’t tell if she looks like you or Matt.”

“It’s a never-ending debate.” An awkward silence passed between us and Kristen shifted on her feet.

“You and Matt got married?”

“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “Right after Liv was born. Kristen, I’m so sorry for everything that happened. I never meant for you to get hurt.”

Kristen let out a big sigh. “It sucked, I’m not going to lie. Amanda, I knew he was in love with you and I was foolish enough to think I could overcome that. Anytime I saw the two of you I knew he would always love you. I mean, he could be very attentive and sweet, but the minute he saw you it was like I wasn’t even there. I’d watch his eyes follow you around and how he just looked so lost. That night when he came back from your hotel room is when you told him you were pregnant, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’d tried a few times before that but it never happened.”

“I could tell something had rocked his world because he was in a funky mood- sad, but happy.” She reached out and softly ran her fingers over Olivia’s. “I’m sorry about that night in the bar. I really had thought you all just had a bad break up. Maybe I felt like getting back at you, I don’t know. But I’m sorry either way.”

I shook my head rapidly. “That wasn’t your fault. Through all of this you’ve just been an innocent bystander.”

“Regardless,” she said with a shrug. “I’m glad you guys worked through it and that you’re happy. You all deserve it.”

“So do you, Kristen.”

“Oh, I am. Matt wasn’t the one for me, I know that now.” She took two steps back. “Good luck with everything.”

“Yeah, you too.” I stayed where I was and watched as she walked away. Matt appeared with a frown on his face.

“Was that Kristen?”

“Yep. We had a nice chat.” I handed him Olivia and he took her without hesitation. She cuddled into his chest, still sucking the pacifier quickly.

“A nice chat?”

I kissed his lips gently and turned to push the cart. “It really was. Let’s get some laundry detergent and go home.”

The next day I had Olivia in her bouncer on the living floor next to me as I e-mailed Jenny. Her little legs kicked furiously as she cooed at the mirror that hung over her head. I paused mid-keystroke when I felt a sneeze coming and the second it left my mouth a glorious little sound followed. I stared at Olivia for a second and decided to fake another sneeze. She let out a giggle that would make you think that the funniest thing had happened.

“Did she just laugh?” Matt was suddenly at my side with his eyes wide.

I nodded quickly. “She did and it was beautiful.”

Matt made faces and noises, trying to recreate the noise. Finally, he gave up and gave me an exasperated look. “What did you do?”

“I sneezed.” I did another fake sneeze and Olivia’s melodic giggle filled the air. 

I ended up pretend sneezing about eighty more times and Matt sent a video of Olivia laughing to everyone we knew. She finally gave up laughing and traded it in for crying before I fed her and put her down for a nap.

When I came out of the bedroom, Matt was on the couch and staring at his phone with a smile.

“Are you watching her laugh again?

Matt looked up at me and nodded. “I don’t think I’ll ever get enough. We created something pretty perfect, sweets.”

“We did,” I replied as I sat next to him, draping one of my legs over his knee. “Completely accidentally, too. We’re that awesome.”

He kissed the side of my head and put his phone down. “We are. I’m so thankful for that little girl. I hate to think where we’d be without her.”

“Don’t. I say we focus on the future from here on out.” I gave him a light kiss on the lips. “That’s what my mom would tell me.”

Matt chuckled and wrapped his arms around me. “Very true. She was a smart woman. So, speaking of the future… How long until I can pester you about another baby?”

I let my head fall back so it was resting against his shoulder. “How about we wait until Olivia is at least walking and then we can talk about it?”

“Okay…” Matt dragged the word out for a moment. “What about a puppy?”

I turned my head to frown at him. “Nice try, asking for something big first.”

He shrugged and kissed the tip of my nose. “Hey, a guy’s gotta try, right?”

“Right.”