Authors: Kay Gordon
“Please get off of me!” I cried in between sobs, my voice sounding more like my own. I tried to thrash my body to get out from his hold but his breathing kicked up harder and I realized my fighting was probably doing more for his arousal than anything. I shut my eyes, willing him to leave, and just whispered, “No, no, no, no, no…” quietly.
After what felt like hours, or maybe even days, he groaned loudly and slammed into me hard before stilling. His breathing was ragged against my skin, and he gave my knee another pinch before standing straight and pulling himself out of me. He let my knee drop, but kept ahold of my wrists. His fingers grabbed my chin and he turned my face towards his.
“Look at me,” he demanded in a low, husky voice. When I didn’t open my eyes he gripped my chin tightly, and shook it. “Maddie.”
I opened my eyes slowly, and looked at him in the darkness of the night. He just stared at me for a moment before a grin started to slowly fill his face. He leaned forward and ran his disgusting tongue down my cheek, lapping up the tears that were still falling down it.
“That was fun now, wasn’t it?” I didn’t answer and he let out another low chuckle. “Oh gorgeous, you’re a fabulous ride.” He let my hands drop and I stayed still against the wall, frozen in uncertainty of what he’d do next. He slid the condom off and tossed it behind him as he pulled his pants up.
He reached out towards me, and I recoiled against the wall. This just made him laugh again and he smoothed my hair before reaching down and flipping the cup of my bra back over my breast. “Tasted like candy,” he winked and then bent down to pull my pants back up.
He had just reached them when I brought my knee up as hard as I could. It connected with his face, making a disgustingly satisfying noise and taking him by surprise. He stumbled backwards, falling on his ass and I moved as fast as possible. I pulled my pants up, not even bothering to see if I was covered and sprinted towards the door.
“You bitch!” He screamed behind me, but I was too scared to look back.
I ran through the door, and down the hallway towards the bar. I frantically looked for Sydney, but I couldn’t distinguish her from the other people. I glanced behind me, and even though I didn’t see him coming, I knew he would once he recovered.
I moved towards the bar, hoping to find her there and instead my gaze collided with Josh. He was staring at me with a confused look on his face before his eyes traveled down to where I was still holding my unbuttoned pants up with one hand. His expression hardened and he moved quickly around the bar until he was standing in front of me.
“Madelyn,” he said quietly, reaching out for me. I flinched away from him and a look of fury appeared on his face. He waved his hand to one of the bouncers near the bar, before looking back at me.
“Madelyn,” Josh said again, his shoulders heaving from anger. “What happened?”
The tears were coming down so quickly now that he became a blur. He tentatively reached out for me again, and this time I let him put his hands on my shoulders. “Please tell me.”
“He… he… he just… He wouldn’t stop!” I couldn’t breathe and I moved into him, burying my face in his shirt. “I didn’t want to!”
He wrapped an arm around me, and I was suddenly aware that we were moving. I looked up as he guided me into what looked to be the employee break room in the back of the club. My heart kicked up a notch as I felt panic start to bubble up again.
Josh noticed immediately and stopped, looking directly into my eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.” He directed me to sit in a chair near the TV and turned to the bouncer who was following up.
“Call the police, Rod.”
Chapter Two
Rod was speaking quietly into his phone, but I heard the words ‘possible rape’ and ‘shock’, and I forced myself not to listen anymore. Those words weren’t supposed to describe me, and in that moment I felt completely ruined.
Josh was crouched in front of me, and it took me a moment to realize he was talking to me.
“What?” My voice was barely a whisper and my lip wavered as I tried to stop the flow of tears.
“Where is he?” Josh spoke softly, glancing back as Rod ended his phone call.
“Outside that door by the bathrooms.” I sniffled and used my hand to wipe my face.
I had hardly gotten the words out before Josh and Rod shared a look and Rod disappeared out of the room.
“I shouldn’t have gone out there.” My voice was barely audible to me as I stared at a scuff mark on the linoleum. “Why did I go out there? Why didn’t I scream? I should…”
I jumped and cut off midsentence when Josh’s hands covered where my own were clasped in my lap. I stared at our hands for a moment before moving my eyes to meet his.
He didn’t say anything, just kept his warm gaze fixed upon me. After a few beats my face crumpled, and the sobs shook my body. Josh moved from his crouching position so that he was seated next to me, and I fell into his chest. His arms came around my shoulders and he held me close as I continued to weep. I don’t know how long we sat like that before Josh pulled back slightly.
“Madelyn, let them look at you.”
I shook my head, his shirt clutched in my fists.
“Madelyn. “ He pulled back a bit further and leveled me with his eyes, the brown seemingly darker than usual. “You’re bleeding. Please let them look at you.”
I let go of his shirt and turned my head to see two EMTs standing near us, looking at me expectantly. I gave a tiny nod, and the first EMT took two slow steps towards me.
“Hi. I’m Braden. I’m going to look at your back, okay?”
I didn’t answer, but Braden didn’t need a response. My body was still turned towards Josh and even though I knew it was coming, I still tensed up when I felt Braden lift the back of my shirt up. I grabbed Josh’s hand in my own and gripped it as hard as I could as the tears continued to come down silently.
Rod reappeared, a police officer next to him, and he made eye contact with Josh. The infinitesimal shake of his head told me that he hadn’t found anyone in the alley. Josh frowned and glanced back at me, realizing I had watched the exchange.
“Don’t worry about that now.”
Braden’s hands left my back, and he cleared his throat. “I don’t think you need stitches, but it’s pretty torn up back there. We need to get you to the hospital to finish assessing you. Do you want me to get the gurney?”
Dread flooded over me at the thought of being wheeled out for everyone to see.
“No! Please! I can walk.” Trying to prove my point, I moved to my feet. My body was still trembling, and Josh gripped my elbow to help support me as we moved out of a side door to the waiting ambulance. The second EMT offered his hand as I climbed up into the ambulance, and once I was up, Josh let go of my elbow. It was as if an invisible connection had been broken and I felt the loss of his presence on more than just my arm. I sat down in a seat and the EMT buckled me in quickly, giving me a reassuring smile.
Braden shut the first door, and I just stared at Josh, his eyes never leaving mine. A look of remorse crossed his face as the second door slammed shut, effectively hiding him from sight.
When I got to the hospital I was whisked away to a room where people talked around me, but never really to me. I sat on the bed, numb, as people flurried in and out and speaking in low tones to one another. I thought about
him
and wondered if he had fled the club, or maybe went back to the dance floor to find his next conquest. I shuddered, remembering the way his wet lips felt on my neck, and I raked my nails over my skin as if I could remove any remnants.
The door opened again and another nurse stepped through, her face familiar to me. She gave me a supportive smile before she spoke.
“Hi Maddie. I don’t know if you remember me, but I used to work with your mom when you and Matt were younger.”
I nodded. “Hi Nicole.”
She moved closer to me and reached a hand out to tentatively pat my own. “I called your mom, and she’s on her way. I figured you might need some support right now.”
I reached up to wipe away the millionth tear that had fallen that night and looked at Nicole gratefully. “Thank you. As bad as it sounds, I really do want my mom.”
“It doesn’t sound bad at all.” She sat on the edge of the bed and held my gaze. “Maddie, we need to a sexual assault exam. Do you know what that entails?”
I didn’t answer, but instead squeezed my eyes shut.
Nicole took a deep breath and continued as if I’d said no. “A detective is here who will join us, and we’ll both ask some questions. We’re going to check you over, assess your injuries, and take some photographs too. Then we need to take a little blood, and do some swabs of different spots of your body. The last thing is a vaginal exam. We’ll need to take a swab there, but also make sure you’re not injured internally as well. Okay?”
I opened my eyes and stared at Nicole for a moment before nodding slowly. “Are you going to do it?”
“If that’s okay with you.”
I didn’t care, I just wanted to be done so I could go home, go to sleep, and wake up from this nightmare. I scrubbed a hand down my face. “That’s fine. But Nicole, please don’t let my mom in until it’s done.”
“Of course. Let me get the detective and we’ll start.”
She disappeared and when she returned she had a lady with her who was wearing white button up blouse, covered by a black suit jacket with the matching pants. Her brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and her eyes were kind.
“Hi Maddie. I’m Detective Wilson. My partner, Detective Bradley, and I will be working on your case. He’s waiting outside until the exam is finished and then we’ll bring him in and take your statement together, okay?”
Nicole helped get me into a gown and a technician came by to take several vials of my blood. Once she was gone, Detective Wilson shut the door and the exam began. Detective Wilson asked me to point out all of the places that he had touched me with his fingers, and then with his mouth. Swabs were taken of my own mouth, then my neck, my cheeks, and then my breast. Nicole photographed my body, including my back, and after she had bandaged me up, she had me lay down as she did the last exam. Detective Wilson continued to ask questions as the exam went on and I answered them robotically.
While Nicole examined me from the foot of the hospital bed, I mentally checked out. I thought about the time I fell off my bike when I was eight and my older brother, Matthew, had carried me back to the house. We had been at least a half of a mile away, and he carried me the entire way without complaint. Once we got home, he took me into the bathroom, set me on the counter, and cleaned the scrapes on my knees, taking special care to remove any gravel that had been embedded. After he put the ointment and bandage on, he leaned down, kissed my knee, and told me not to be such a klutz. A smile ghosted my lips before the sound of Nicole putting tools on the metal tray snapped me out of it.
“Okay, Maddie. I’m all done. Your back doesn’t have any concrete in it, but I’m going to get you some antibiotics to make sure it doesn’t get infected. You’re going to have some bruising around your body, including your pelvis, but there’s not much we can do about those.”
She paused for a moment, choosing her next words wisely. “Physically, other than your back, you’re okay.”
The unsaid was louder than the spoken words. ‘Physically fine, mentally… not so much.’
I tried to smile at her, but my mouth felt incapable of smiling ever again, so instead I gave the requisite nod. “Thank you, Nicole.”
She smiled at me before nodding at the Detective and disappearing through the door. She had only been gone for about five seconds when someone knocked on the open door and stepped in. He was probably almost six feet tall, his light brown hair was short and unruly on top of his head. He, like his partner, was also in a suit, but he had a bright red tie with black stripes hanging around his neck. He offered me a warm smile, which was instantly comforting.
“Hi, I’m Detective Bradley. Is it okay if I sit with Detective Wilson while you give your statement?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” My voice sounded weak and tired, matching the rest of me.
I told them the story of the night, starting from the moment we walked into the bar, and ending when Josh had led me to the break room. I couldn’t bear to look either of them in the eyes as I told them what happened. How I barely fought back, how I basically let him have sex with me against the wall, how I had an orgasm during all of this.
“Oh Maddie,” Detective Wilson said, putting her notebook down. “Your body doesn’t always understand, but no one faults you for that. This isn’t uncommon in female victims.”
I nodded, staring into my lap as I picked at a loose thread on my hospital gown. “I should have fought harder,” I whispered and wiped my face.
“You
did
fight back, Maddie,” Detective Bradley chimed in, his voice full of compassion. I was glad he had come in to sit through the statement. The aura he gave off was so like Matthew’s that it was reassuring to have him there. “You told him ‘no’, you told him to stop. This is not your fault. Not in the slightest. Do you understand me?”
I nodded again, still not looking up.
“Maddie,” Detective Bradley said sternly. I looked up at him and his face was just as stern as his voice. “Do you understand me?”
“I do.” I did, but it didn’t help. So many questions ran through my mind. What if I hadn’t had so much to drink? Could I have fought him off? What if I hadn’t gone outside? Would he have still tried at some point? What if I hadn’t shown him that any reaction of pleasure to it? Would it have been as fun for him?
Detective Wilson cleared her throat, and stood up. “We’re going to find him, okay? Between the condom in the alley and the blood on your pants we have plenty of DNA to go off of.” She pulled a card out of her pocket and placed it on the table next to the bed. “This is my card. You call me if you remember something or if you just need anything, okay?”
I picked up the card and looked at it for a moment.
‘Patty Wilson, Detective: Sacramento Police Department’
“Okay, thank you.”
Detective Bradley moved towards me and held out another card. I took it, expecting it to be his card too, but instead it read: ‘Sarah Adams, Mental Health Counselor’
I looked at Detective Bradley, and I noticed he had put the stern look back on his face. “You don’t have to, Maddie, but you should, okay? Just think about it.”
The last thing I wanted to do was sit across from someone as they dissected the attack, while asking me ‘How does that make you feel?’ but I didn’t tell Detective Bradley that.
“Okay,” I mouthed softly. He nodded, seemingly satisfied with my agreement, and raised his hand in farewell.
“Remember Maddie- it’s not your fault,” Detective Wilson said as a way of parting, and she followed Detective Bradley out.
“We’re done,” I heard Detective Bradley say in the hallway. “Take care of her.”
Almost immediately my mom burst through the door, tears running down her face. She was wearing pajama pants, and I knew she had probably received the call and rushed out of the house without thinking about it. I didn’t even have time to react before she had folded me into her arms and was rocking me like I was six instead of twenty-two.
I clutched her shirt and cried against her until it felt like I was all dried up. In that moment, all I wanted to do was go back in time and be a child again so that my mom could fix everything for me. She pulled back to look at me, and moved hair off my face that was stuck there from the tears. Her lips found my forehead and she gave me a sad smile.
“You’re okay. That’s all that matters.”
I had nodded so much that it felt like my head was about to fall off my neck. I took the proffered tissues from my mom and wiped my face. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing, Maddie?” Amanda’s hysterical voice came from behind my mother and I saw her and Sydney standing there, both looking miserable. Amanda had changed into sweats and a t-shirt, her eyes swollen, and Sydney’s lip was trembling as she stood there silently, still wearing the clothes she had gone to the club in.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, okay?” Amanda continued. “And if I hear you say it again, I’m going to be pissed at you.”
My mother nodded in agreement, and gave me a pat on my knee. “She’s right, baby.” She stood from the bed and walked to my friends, placing a hand on a shoulder of each before turning back to me.
“I’m going to go call your brother and let him know you’re okay. He’s worried about you and trying to get emergency leave.
“No, don’t let him do that, mom,” I sat up in the bed, still clutching the business cards in my hands. “He’s only got a few months left, and I don’t want anything to ruin that.”
My 24-year-old brother was due to be done with his third tour soon, which meant he would be finally coming home and staying home. I couldn’t bear to see that screwed up because of me. It was just the three of us since our father left when I was two-years-old, and my brother being so far away and directly in harm’s way made my mom and me constantly worry.
“I’ll see what I can do, baby, but he’s about as stubborn as you.” She gave me a small smile before walking out of the room.
Amanda sat in the chair next to the bed and Sydney took a spot at my feet. Sydney sniffed and I could tell she was trying not to cry. “I’m so sorry I left you alone. If I had just stayed…”
I held my hand up, cutting her off. “I walked off, Syd. You didn’t leave me. This is not your fault in any way, shape, or form.”
She shook her head furiously, a tear trickling down her face. “I didn’t even realize how much time had passed. I should have come looking for you. When Josh came and got me I didn’t understand what he was saying. He shoved a bottle of water at me and told me we had to go.”
I just stared at her for a moment, happy that Josh wasn’t just some mirage that only I saw. “Josh is the one who told you?”
She shrugged before wiping her face. “He came and found me after they had you loaded in the ambulance, gave me a ride here.”
“He only left about an hour ago,” Amanda said, refilling my water cup from the pitcher. “He waited until we heard that you were okay, and then he said he had to go.
We were interrupted by the nurse walking in, placing a plastic cup of pills in front of me.
“Okay darlin’, we’re gonna letcha go.” Her thick southern drawl was out of place, and very comforting to hear. “We gave the pictures and assault kit to the police, but I needya to take these pills.”
She pointed to the plastic cup containing several pills. “One is an antibiotic for the nasty tears on your back, one is to prevent pregnancy, and the others are to help against sexually transmitted diseases.” She gently pushed me forward so she could examine the bandage on my back. “Keep this as clean as possible. Dry it really well out of the shower, put the ointment on it, and get the bandage back on, okay? And take your antibiotic every day for ten days.”
“Okay,” I said, tipping the little cup of pills into my mouth before chasing them with water. I put the empty cup down and looked up at the nurse. “Why did I need the one for preventing pregnancy? He, um, wore a condom and I’m on birth control.”
“Oh, bless your sweet little heart! It’s just an extra precaution. Better safe than sorry, right?”
I couldn’t argue with her there- I definitely didn’t didn’t want to take any chances.
My mom had reappeared a few minutes later, a pair of generic hospital scrubs in her arms.
“I stole these from the laundry area. I figured you might want something different to wear home. I think the detectives kept your pants, too.”
I stared at the ugly blue scrubs and gratefulness surged through my body. Mom was right; the thought of putting back on the same clothes that
he
had touched made my stomach sick. I changed quickly into the scrubs, and an orderly knocked at the doorway.
“Hi Ms. Thomas, I’m Jacob and I’ll be taking you downstairs today.”
I gave him a confused look, trying to figure out why I would need someone to walk with me downstairs. Understanding dawned on me and I shook my head rapidly.