Science...For Her! (3 page)

FIG. 0.7

who’s short but wears really high heels so it totally tricks stupid people), Allison (my best friend who’s a therapist with red hair), Shirlene (my best friend who has never dated anyone and never will because she isn’t confident enough), Nancy (my best friend who’s a child detective), Carlita (my best friend who’s a hairdresser), Rachel Carson (my best friend with the Rachel), Maddie (my best friend who was created by the big bang), Lizzy (my best friend who was created by the big bang), Sophie (my best friend who was created by the big bang), Anna (my best friend who was created by the big bang), Robyn (my best friend who takes crazy good pics), Natalie (my best
friend who married a cowboy),
FIG. 0.8
Alexandra (my best friend who once bought a painting of Michael Jackson from a homeless man), Francesca

FIG. 0.8

(my best friend who has natural blonde hair), Maggie (my best friend who killed a dolphin), Pilar (my
mejor amiga
who is DEFINITELY a naturalized citizen WINK WINK), Emma (my best friend who evaded her taxes in the most adorable way), Claudia (my best friend who is a kickass New York book agent), Sasha (my best friend whose sister is Malia), Rachna (my best friend who named her son Eli), Rakhee (my best friend who’s Rachna’s sister), Jen (my best friend who knows her place is in the home), Alyssa (my best friend who has dirty dreadlocks that smell awful, like someone shit in a clown’s mouth), Sophia (my best friend who’s basically my cousin), Adina (my best friend from Washington State), Ava (my best friend from Washington, DC), Salom (my best friend who’s so beautiful even though she’s Ethiopian), Hamm (my best friend who is a performer named Hamm Samwich), Isabel (my best friend who can run really fast), Emily (my best friend who grew up across the street from me), Abigail (my best friend who has two really cute kittens named Cocoa and Pebbles), Mia (my best friend with the botched belly-button piercing), Madison (my best friend when I need a designated driver), Elizabeth (my best friend who doesn’t know how to read), Avery (my best friend who can speak Tamil), Addison (my best friend who lives in a historical house), Mackenzie (my best friend who is literally a leprechaun), Giana (my best friend who pronounces
mozzarella
like a real Italian),
FIG. 0.9
Faith (my

FIG. 0.9

best friend who is a women’s prison correctional officer, you go, girl!), Melanie (my best friend who is an advice columnist), Blanche (my best friend who’s literally a white pit bull), Sydney (my best friend who has a really big crush on Jeff Bridges, WTF), Bailey (my best friend who is such a lightweight she can only drink like five drinks a night??), Caroline (my best friend who ate so many carrots her skin turned orange), Naomi (my best friend who is so beautiful even though she’s Grenadian), Morgan (my best friend who looks like a Chanel model), Kennedy (my best friend who was an MTV VJ), Lindsay (my best friend when I wake up with stigmata [only happened a couple times]), Audrey (my best friend when I need to practice kissing), Savannah (my best friend who still truly believes in African colonialism, WTF), Sarah (my best friend who likes to take photos of dogs in costumes), Alissa (my best friend who wrote a book on art), Claire (my best friend who’s an oil baron), Taylor (my best friend to spit on sidewalks with), Riley (my best friend who doesn’t know what “fellatio” means, LOL),
FIG. 0.10
Camila (my best friend with a bowl cut),

FIG. 0.10

Brianna (my best friend who lives in Frank O’Hara’s old apartment), Rheeqrheeq (my best friend with the most silent
q
’s in her name), Peyton (my best friend with two headbands),
FIG. 0.11

FIG. 0.11

Bella (my best friend who is not anemic), Meg (my best friend who won a Tony), Alexa (my best friend who is an assistant to an opera singer), Kylie (my best friend who has beautiful dark chocolate-brown skin), Kira (my best friend who’s Kylie’s super hot little sister), Dereka (my best friend who lied to me once about dating a fifty-year-old), Benita (my best friend when I need to be photographed naked in a bathtub), Max (my best friend who I am literally in love with), Scarlett (my best friend with really awful tan lines), Stella (my best friend with a disgusting beer belly), Maya (my best friend who totaled her first car), Catherine (my best friend with the worst posture), Julia (my best friend who is so into the Space Needle it’s weird), Lucy (my best friend who is a photographer but like went to school for
it), Madelyn (my best friend when I’m using the Instagram filter “Valencia”), Autumn (my best friend when I need someone to do my makeup really well),
FIG. 0.12
Summer (my best friend

FIG. 0.12

named after a season [sorry Autumn!]), Ellie (my best friend who dated Skrillex), Jasmine (my best friend when I need a massage), Chris (my best friend who 1 percent of me thinks killed JonBenét Ramsey), Skylar (my best friend who is a tiny little bird), Kimberly (my best friend who likes to make props out of stuff), Violet (my best friend who is a color), Molly (my best friend who was in the same sorority as her sister but a few years apart), Drew (my best friend who is half Armenian, half Asian, it’s so weird), Aria (my best friend who can’t take a fucking joke), Jocelyn (my best friend whose acne is so bad she basically is the Phantom of the Opera), Trinity (my best friend who wears the same tampon size as me), London (my best friend who is covered in a little cloud at all times like Pig-Pen), Lydia (my best friend who’s a tiny bug), Annabel (my best friend who is the color of shit), Jessica (my best friend who can eat those huge steaks in under an hour and get them for free), Jennifer (my best friend who dated a guy who worked in our dining hall in college), Jaycee (my best friend who married this guy that I used to have a really big crush on, oy vey), Stephanie Sondheim (my best friend who wrote every piece of art that is important to me and who I love so much I can’t even begin to describe or I will cry on my manuscript), Angie (my best friend who totally saved me at my first job), Brittany (my best friend who I can talk to about anything as long as it’s boys or apocryphal Anglo-Saxon history texts), Nicole (my best friend who’s my personal trainer),
FIG. 0.13
Heather (my best friend who was born homeless and will surely return to poverty soon), Barrett (my best

FIG. 0.13

friend who looks like Winona Ryder), Megan (my best friend when I want to have a friend with the same name as me), Samantha (my best friend who’s married to a literal rocket scientist), Melissa (my best friend who is a dominatrix and can stick a candle up your butt for so cheap no joke), Danielle (my best friend who has this little microphone headset), Amber (my best friend who grew up on a hippie commune), Maxine (my best friend who right now has a candle up her butt),
FIG. 0.14
Laureen (my best friend from elementary school whose face got so fat it’s insane), Rachel (my best friend who is afraid of taking drugs), Kim (my best friend who got hit by a motorcycle in Calcutta), Laura (my best friend who was in

FIG. 0.14

The Sound of Music
),
FIG. 0.15
Amy (my best friend who’s like also a mentor but also she’s less cute than me so she’s not a fashion mentor), Kayla (my best friend with SARS), Katherine (my best friend when I’m feeling like a little kitty cat, purrrrr!), Sara (my best friend who has the largest boobs