Authors: Andrew Hess
It had been a week since Matthew’s death. I had been placed on leave to give me time to grieve as well as it being their way of keeping me away from Rodney’s case. Lieutenant Esposito knew if I could, I’d be heavily involved in the investigation, but would be nothing but conflicted until a decision was made. Rodney was also placed on leave, pending the results of the investigation. I expected I.A. to suspend him at the very least. In the ten years Rodney had been on the force, he had a clean record, no disciplinary actions taken against him, and had never fired his weapon in the line of duty. Why’d he have to do it this time?
I didn’t miss the station though, not like last time. Any thought about going on patrol or working the case reminded me of Rodney, or the crime scene that had people going in and out of my house every minute of the day, or the giant blood stain on Amanda’s floor that belonged to Matthew. So obviously I was in no rush to get back to work.
I decided lying in bed all day was the better alternative. Okay, lying in bed was an understatement. It was more like curled up in a fetal position while burying my face into the pillow and cried myself to sleep every few hours. Amanda stayed by my side through it all. She tried getting me to snap out of my depressed state.
James had been nothing but a complete gentleman throughout the week. He never tried making a move the entire time I was there. In fact, the only time I saw him was when he brought in food to make sure I didn’t starve myself to death. He was actually quite the cook. The man worked long shifts with the D.C.P.D. came home and took care of me while keeping Amanda company. Surprisingly, they got along just fine. They palled around and watched movies or her crappy reality shows that you couldn’t pay me enough to watch. I was happy they had fun together. I just wish I could be out there with them enjoying the laughter. It was just something I was incapable of doing at that time.
Matthew’s funeral came sooner than I thought. His family was quick to plan everything. They were fueled by their anger towards Rodney and the sadness they felt for their son. I was living the same nightmare.
On the day of the funeral, I heard a soft knock on the bedroom door. I dragged my feet across the room and opened it. A beautiful black dress hung in the air before dipping down to reveal the man holding it.
“I thought you might want something nicer to wear than your sweatpants,” James said jokingly.
“How-how did you know my size?”
“I didn’t, your sister went with me and helped pick it out.” He placed the clear plastic wrapped dress in my arms.
“Thank you, it’s beautiful. But you shouldn’t have.”
“You needed something to wear for the funeral.” With the word “funeral” my eyes started to water. “I’m sorry,” he repeatedly said. His kind, warm, gentle hands grasped my shoulders. “I didn’t mean to…”
I sat the dress down on the bed and embraced James. “It’s not you,” I sobbed into his chest. “This is just…too much for me to handle.”
“I know Ali, but your sister and I are both here for you. You can vent to us. You can let it all out. You can be…you.”
“I just can’t believe he’s gone. I loved him. Part of me always thought we’d end up together, even if it meant me leaving the force.” The flood gates were opened and I was spilling all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, and my tears out for James to see. It was weird to confide in him. He spent the last month and a half trying to impress me or hit on me. I thought he was nothing but a complete sleaze, but it turned out he was one of the good guys.
We sat and talked for an hour, well, I mostly talked and he listened. But he did make a few comments that made me laugh and helped me push the depression away for a little while. Then he left me alone to get ready. The hot water from the shower felt great against my skin. I stood under the water for several minutes and enjoyed having a brief moment of normalcy in my life again, even if it came in the form of taking a shower.
When I emerged from the bathroom, I found a shoe box sitting at the foot of the bed. A yellow post-it note sat on top of it.
I pulled some strings and got permission to take Amanda back to your house. We agreed these would pair nicely with your dress.
-James
I opened the lid and found one of my favorite pair of black pumps. They were simple and classy. They had a three inch heel which boosted my height up to around five-eleven or six feet depending on how I stood. The heel and toe sections of the shoe were closed off, but the sides were open. And it had a strap that wrapped around my ankles.
After getting dressed and ready, I met James and Amanda in the living room. They both stared at me as if this was the first time they ever saw me wear a dress.
“Ali, you look incredible,” Amanda said.
“Yeah, you look gorgeous,” James replied.
I blushed and enjoyed the moment of attention that made me feel like a person again. But I couldn’t help notice the outfit was something that reminded me a lot of my first date with Matthew. In fact I swore those were the same shoes I wore on that date. I remembered because Matthew’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw me in them. I think he was one of the first guys that stared at my legs and feet rather than my chest. But once we sat down, his focus was directly on me. His eyes looked longingly into mine. Neither of us wanted to turn away or let the night end. That was how I wanted to remember him. I wanted to remember the man that treated me like I was the most important thing in the world to him.
“Are we all set,” James asked.
“Yeah,” I said nervously.
Amanda put her arms around my side. “Are you sure? You don’t have to do this you know. People will understand.”
“No, I’m sure. I need to be there. I need to see him one last time.”
**************************************************************
Matthew’s family didn’t make his death into a huge production like you would think. And the media was quiet about the shooting. I guess a black detective shooting another man of color didn’t scream newsworthy or attention grabber to them. It was downplayed on the news and all the morning shows, but it didn’t prevent a large crowd of people forming at the cemetery.
I had never met Matthew’s family before then. There was too much that happened over the last year that interfered with those plans. But I knew his mother by sight. He had shown me pictures of his family and introduced me to her over the phone.
I walked towards his mother with my head bowed. “Mrs. Alvarado, I’m so sorry for your loss.” Tears filled her eyes as she nodded and reached for my hand. “I’m Detective…”
“Ali? Ali Ryan,” she said with a thick Puerto Rican Accent. There was a momentary sign of life in her as she threw her arms around my neck. “My boy never shut up about you. He told me all about his beautiful hot shot detective girlfriend.” Mrs. Alvarado opened her purse and pulled out a picture from her bag. She held it up so I could see. “Matthew, he always told me how happy you made him.” The picture she was holding was one of Matthew and I dressed up nicely on our way to dinner. It was taken while I was on desk duty.
“Matthew was the best thing that ever happened to me.” And he was. I never knew what loving someone meant until I met him. “I loved your son. I still love him.”
Mrs. Alvarado took my hand and placed it over my heart. “He will always be with you wherever you go.” Neither of us could speak without the other crying. It was the most emotion I’ve displayed in front of anyone since I was a kid. Amanda cleared her throat and Mrs. Alvarado swiveled her head to stare. Her smile widened. “Is this, your sister?”
I placed and arm on Amanda’s shoulder and brought her closer. “Yes, this is Amanda.” Having her there meant the world to me, and apparently it meant a great deal to Matthew’s mother as well.
“We must have dinner before we go,” Mrs. Alvarado said. Although, it wasn’t as much of a suggestion as it was ordering us.
“Sure, we’d love that.” I slipped her my card and told her to call my cell to set something up. We hugged one more time before trying to find a spot in the crowd with the rest of the mourners.
“No, you stay here with us,” she commanded. “He loved you, and I love you. He would want you to stand with us and celebrate his life.” I did as I was told and Amanda stuck to my side. We watched the parade of people walk by offering their sympathy and condolences.
We sat with Matthew’s family as the funeral proceeded. Halfway through, I started getting a weird creepy feeling like someone was watching me. I turned my head and found Rodney lurking in the back of the crowd. Anger and rage burned through me. I wanted to jump up from my seat and point out he was the reason Matthew wasn’t with us. He was the bastard that killed him. Amanda must have sensed the change in my mood. Her head turned and saw Rodney looking over at us as well.
“Just let it go Ali,” she said.”
“How can you say that after everything that happened?”
“Because Matthew wouldn’t want you to make a scene.”
I hated when she was right. I sunk back into my chair and waited until the funeral ended and the crowd thinned out. I didn’t have to hunt him down to give him a piece of my mind. Rodney hung back until the right moment and then marched over to me.
“Look, I know you’re pissed at me right now.”
“Pissed isn’t the word,” I hissed. “You have no right being here.”
“No, but you wouldn’t answer any of my texts or calls. Listen, we need to talk. Just give me five minutes.”
“I’ve got nothing to say and want nothing to do with you.” I attempted to walk away.
Just don’t cause a scene Ali
, I reminded myself.
He tugged on my arm until I was face to face with him. “You have to listen to me. I didn’t pull the trigger.”
“Oh, now you suddenly remember you didn’t pull the trigger? What else did you just suddenly remember?”
“Everything about that night is still a blur. It was dark and I couldn’t see where I was going. But I know I didn’t pull that trigger.”
My eyes leered at him. I wanted to rip him apart just for standing next to me denying his involvement in Matthew’s murder. “How can you say that? How can you be so sure when you’ve repeatedly said you don’t remember anything from the time you entered Amanda’s room to the time I found you?”
After giving my statement, the Lieutenant drove me to the hospital. He wanted me to prove I was attacked. So we had some tests run. The results showed trauma to the back of my head and a minor concussion.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. You could’ve done that to yourself.”
“You really think I’d bash my own head in to cover up an accidental shooting? Come on Ali; you know me better than that.”
“I don’t know what I believe any more.” I saw the hurt in Rodney’s face. The only person he was truly friends with on the force turned their back on him. He was facing homicide charges and didn’t have any support from those closest to him. “I’m sorry Rodney, but I think you should just keep your distance for now.”
I walked away, but had the eerie feeling that I was being watched again. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Rodney standing off in the distance. Was he the one I was getting the bad vibes from? Was he the one sending me the flowers? Or was there a psychopath still out there biding his time?