Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian (21 page)

Police have revealed that Cyril Smith did molest children. How did he lure them? You might think any kid could outrun Cyril. Not so, as tragically the children’s home in question was at the top of a hill. It must have been like being sexually abused by that boulder in
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
.

In retrospect, dressing like a PE teacher should have been bit of a giveaway that Savile was a paedophile. With his badges and TV show to make dreams come true, other paedophiles’ bags of sweets paled by comparison. ‘I can make their dream of eating their lunch on a roller coaster come true – what’ve you got? A Transit van and a packet of Mentos? Fuck off!’ When you think about it, Savile had a specially equipped chair with treats for kids concealed in it – it’s like Ian Huntley being supplied by Q from Bond’s MI6.

We’ve got to remember he raised a lot of money for charity and some of that must have gone to his victims. It’s sick he raised money for that MRI machine at Stoke Mandeville. Bad enough wanting to see kids naked, let alone without their skin and soft tissue, too.

Hats off to the BBC, though. After a mere thirty-five years they leapt into action, saying they’d cooperate with any police enquiry. The channel apparently made Savile wear all that jewellery so kids would hear him coming, the same way you’d put a bell on a cat. After all this, maybe the BBC will have to take action on rumours. Like, for example, the ones I’m starting about Richard Hammond shagging monkeys.

In order to save time, the police are now advising that only women who were not abused by the paedophile Tarzan should phone in. Savile has achieved the impossible – a further tarnishing of the image of the nylon shell suit. Euugheeeuuurgheeuuurgh! That was one of his catchphrases. Cynically making it like his cum-noise so no one would bat an eyelid hearing it through his dressing-room door.

I actually felt quite emotional when I heard. I can’t tell you how much I love not having to pay someone I’ve sponsored to do the marathon. He was a great friend of royalty, business and the Church. As I found out when he fixed it for me to be abused on an altar by some giant lizards and their lion-headed archmage, Dr Pandemonium.

Is the sex offenders’ register now just an old copy of the
Radio Times
? Pretty weird to think that the only guy in entertainment who wasn’t a sex criminal was Benny Hill. It explains why teenagers’ fashions and hairstyles were so bad in the 70s, as making yourself unattractive was the best means of defence against show-business personalities.

• • •

The government’s made stalking a criminal offence, which should help ensure it’s even more exciting. It’s now punishable by up to five years in prison. This is great news, as I really need an incentive to quit. They’ll be able to put away the nutcase who’s watching Natasha Kaplinsky’s house from that other bush. I know Tash is worried about him – she tells me while reading the news, using our special blinking code.

If found guilty, two young women face eight years in Peruvian jail being played like the pan pipes. The British girls, who were arrested in Peru, have handed a list to their family. It included a variety of items including Pringles, hair-removal cream, Nutella, a pack of cards, cornflakes and a bra. There’s only one man capable of collecting the items in times of crisis. Step up to the plate, Mr Paul Gascoigne. I have a theory that the whole thing’s a misunderstanding and the Peruvians think the girls keep admitting to stuff, because it’s tricky for a Scottish girl not to end every sentence with ‘see?’

Many women were coveting Michaella Connolly’s jacket. Finally something about this case that women can masturbate over as well. The case has something for everyone – sexy dancers for the dads, cool fashion for the mums, and complex legal and moral arguments for their children as yet unblunted by the horrors of daily life. I’m shocked that people are talking about Connolly’s jacket. I didn’t think society had got to the stage where we were printing pictures of young women in clothes. Connolly will also be asked in prison who made her jacket – but the prisoners will be asking in case it was any of their six-year-olds.

My one piece of advice when travelling? There’s only one time it’s worth carrying someone else’s bag in an airport. After it’s been round the carousel at least twice and no one’s come forward.

A crazed woman broke into Simon Cowell’s house with intent to inflict grievous bodily harm. She should be locked up for not managing it. She was eventually caught hiding in his wardrobe, although quite why she thought she’d run into Simon in a closet I’ve no idea. Deluded and mentally unstable, she was only released after guaranteeing that she’d turn up for future
Britain’s Got Talent
auditions. The woman was described as a ‘fan’ – well, if she only wanted to smash Simon’s head in with a brick then she probably liked him better than the rest of us. He described the woman brandishing a brick as being like a scene from a horror film. Which one?
Builder on Elm Street
? I’m sure we can all remember that scene in the Hitchcock film where fuck all happens.

I can’t understand why she was armed with a brick. After all, just a cursory search of Simon’s toilet cabinets and she could have been armed with a two-foot-long dildo with a fist on the end, similar to those used by the Syrian army. Maybe it was her audition for
BGT
, and she’d just shat the brick out. Simon was concerned that she could have had a gun. Yes, but I think you’d have had time to make an escape while she tried to load the brick into the chamber.

Simon will be ready if it happens again and will call Sinitta, just like Zeus summoning the Kraken. It seems that, when told she might face six months in prison, the intruder broke down, screaming, ‘At least make it till the next
X Factor
’s over!’ He’s now stepping up security at his home – somehow, I’m fairly certain no women will ever get into Simon’s bedroom again. Her trial was like a tense stand-off between her and a group of black teenagers who’d turned to crime to keep them out of street dancing. It must have been confusing for Simon to hear a psychiatric assessment that didn’t end with the words ‘fully fit to undergo a world tour’.

Fellow
X Factor
judge Tulisa Contostavlos found herself on the wrong side of the law and she was recorded admitting that she used to deal crack. It must make plugging her latest album all the more depressing when she remembers that she used to be involved in selling something people really wanted. Of course, a lot of people around her probably needed to take crack, as Dappy is a lot more tolerable if you think he’s a hallucination.

I hope Tulisa doesn’t go to prison, but I’m not going to lie and say the idea doesn’t turn me on. Although I’d imagine that after a year of having to sit next to Louis Walsh, being muff-dived by a convicted arsonist as a pool forfeit will feel like a spa weekend. You really don’t want the nickname ‘The Female Boss’ when the police are trying to establish how high up you are in a drug-supply chain.

In the video Tulisa said she didn’t take drugs herself. I believe her; she seems like a sociable person. And if you were going to alter your mind you’d hardly settle for the one she’s ended up with. Tulisa has talked of working for a crack dealer in her youth, claiming she did well because of her looks. Tulisa, if you’re hanging round with crack addicts, that’s a pretty low bar on the appearance front. No one really believes that Tulisa was a drug dealer – she was just trying to make herself sound more credible. It’s the schemie equivalent of padding out your CV. If she were a member of Coldplay she’d be bragging to undercover reporters that’s she’s got Grade 5 on the bassoon and makes her own honey. Tulisa appears to have had no idea that she was being videoed, as none of the undercover reporters got their penis out.

Tulisa has given up battling for damages over her leaked sex tape to avoid racking up even more lawyers’ fees, although she did manage to stop her ex from making any money from it. The irony being that if she’d let him make a few quid he’d have been able to afford to pay her the damages she was after. Her ex had hoped to make a fortune but only six people paid to see her sex tape, netting a grand total of £23. It made me quite angry, but also curious about who the other five people were.

Ken Clarke’s admitted we’re losing the war against drugs. Maybe it’s finally time to switch sides and join them in their glorious fight against our hideous, hideous reality. Magic mushrooms are said to help combat depression. It’s hard to feel sad when you’re in a knife-fight with Kermit the Frog.

According to a United Nations official, drugs gangs control Manchester, Liverpool and Birmingham. It feels like a historic day when someone talks about drug problems without mentioning Glasgow. If there are so many drugs in these cities then it does beg the question why aren’t the people who live there a bit more cheerful? They want to instigate drug-prevention programmes for youngsters – well, it’s going to be one hell of a good youth club to be more exciting than crack. I’m proud to say that my kids would never get involved in drugs – they’re far too pissed. Stories like this are so worrying that even the UN official had to spark up a spliff to take the edge off. Despite this report, it would be wrong to think of people from these cities as all being drug pushers – many of them are thieves or benefit cheats.

I don’t fancy this idea of heroin addicts getting community sentences. I’d hate to think of one painting my nan’s house. She could turn nasty if they find her stash. I’d prefer speed addicts, maybe; then they’d have it done in time for
Bargain Hunt
. Mitch Winehouse is setting up a foundation in his daughter’s name so he can help save young addicts. Hmm. It’s not exactly an area where he’s got a great track record.

Tulisa’s former bandmate Dappy has been ordered to do 150 hours of community service, roughly equating to a two-month ban from the recording studio. Americans do that whole lawbreaking celeb thing on a much grander scale. A US talent agency has pitched Lindsay Lohan as ‘available for bar mitzvahs’. I was going to book Lindsay for a party myself but decided to drag it upmarket and get a hooker in her place. No, only joking, I booked Michael J. Fox instead – unfortunately I gave him the job of serving the peas and I’m still finding them on top of the curtain pelmets and lampshades.

Meanwhile,
Glee
actor Cory Monteith died from an overdose of heroin and alcohol. A lesson to us all – that heroin and alcohol should only be taken in moderation. In gun-crazed America a five-year-old boy was given his own gun, which he used to shoot and kill his little sister. The boy was expected to be safe because he’d had the gun for a year. To be fair, a year ago his sister wouldn’t have been as annoying. The coroner called it ‘a crazy accident’, showing all the logic and skills of a man who defines heart attacks as ‘that little drummer in his chest got out somehow’. He’d always behaved safely when out hunting, but then deer and rabbits didn’t break his Action Man. Many parents battle with teaching kids the concept of death. At least they won’t have to buy him a goldfish now. Five-year-olds just don’t have a concept of death, which is why they can watch the
Chipmunk
films without crying for Jason Lee’s career. Things were so much simpler when I was a kid. If you wanted to kill your sister you had to go to the effort of writing a letter to
Jim’ll Fix It
.

Ninety-three thousand Americans have signed a petition to have Piers Morgan extradited back to the UK for his views on gun control. Ironically, the only sane argument I have for allowing Americans to be heavily armed is that Piers Morgan lives there. I’m against the use of guns. Especially on Piers Morgan. I’d prefer something far more time-consuming if you’re planning to assassinate him. Maybe a rusty melon-baller or a plastic trowel from a child’s gardening set.

A plastic gun can be downloaded from the internet and made on a 3D printer. You go to print out your dissertation, hit the wrong button and print a plastic gun. Five years later you’re bombing the Houses of Parliament with a plastic jet. A gun that comes out of a printer? It’s bound to jam. The inventor says it doesn’t violate US gun laws. As he’s not been able to find any. Just because people are buying these 3D printers doesn’t mean they’re going to print off guns from the internet. My priority would be life-sized erotic jigsaws.

There are to be long jail sentences for selling guns to UK gangs. Quite right. These people need to realise they must either stop, or go legit, get a suit and do it in the Third World where it doesn’t matter. It’s hoped new laws will protect terrified members of the public from being hit by bullets flying between police, and terrified members of the public.

• • •

Notorious Moors murderer Ian Brady went on hunger strike. Careful, Ian. If you get too small and frail you’ll end up wanting to torture yourself. Brady signed legal papers instructing doctors not to resuscitate him if he collapses. I understand Brady’s position. I’d want to die, too, if I now looked like a perpetually quizzical Paul McCartney. Brady could stage a dramatic escape from prison if McCartney ever did a show there. Brady could walk straight out past the guards and the only questions they’d ask would be, ‘What’s up, Paul? Have you lost something? It looks like you’re trying to remember the name of the butler in
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
.’

Derek Acorah said he’s known Madeleine McCann’s been dead for five years, but didn’t want to say anything during the sensitive time that he didn’t have a book out. Acorah used to present TV’s
Most Haunted
, which is now just a slow close-up of Tess Daly’s eyes.

It’s not the first time Acorah’s said something shocking. This was nothing compared with finding out that he’s married with kids. I can understand why Derek speaks to the dead, as there isn’t a person alive who wants to exchange a single word with the prick. Acorah has let down the entire psychic community by saying something that is statistically likely to be true. Actually, I’m very confident Maddie will be found next year, as everyone finds nine-year-olds annoying.

Making logical suppositions about a child that lack tact and upset the parents doesn’t mean you’re a psychic. It means you’re an in-law. If you’re really psychic surely you’d pick the one option out of two that wouldn’t make everyone think you’re an arsehole.