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‘No,’ Joe said. ‘Watch the film.’

‘Did I just win an argument with you?’ I said, feeling smug.

‘No,’ Joe said, turning to glare me in the eye. I was feeling scared again.

‘Did you just fight me without fighting me?’

‘Yes, James. Yes I did.’

‘You do know that was essentially just
intimidatio
—’

‘James, there are times when a man has to accept that shutting the feck up is his only and best option.’

‘Understood,’ I said. Inside, I was feeling quite smug again.

‘So, how’s it been, seeing Paula?’ Joe asked. And lo, smugness was banished from the land once more.

‘Eh, good, yeah,’ I said.

‘She’s looking well, isn’t she?’

‘Yeah, yeah. She is.’

‘She needs her friends, James, but that’s all she needs. Do you agree?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘She’s a wee bit vulnerable at the moment, especially with Ingo not being here. I’d hate to think anyone would try to take advantage of that.’

I was starting to think my theory about Joe trying to pair Paula and me up might be off the mark. ‘I totally agree,’ I said.

‘Good lad. Watch the movie, Lee’s about to crush a man to death with his heel.’

‘Lovely.’

We watched for a while longer as Bruce failed spectacularly to live up to his
fighting without fighting
ethos, then Joe spoke again.

‘How are your parents, James?’

Here we go
. ‘They’re fine.’

‘And how is it, living with them again?’

‘It’s not so bad, you know,’ I said. This line of conversation was even more uncomfortable than his thinly veiled threats about Paula had been, and I could feel my cheeks burning. ‘Could be worse.’

‘Hmm,’ Joe said, turning back to the TV.

‘What?’

‘Nothing,’ Joe’s eyes didn’t move from the screen.

‘What?’ I asked again.

Joe smiled. ‘You’re a terrible liar, James. You should remember that.’ Was this another threat? ‘I would suggest that’s the reason you found your former line of work so unsatisfactory.’

‘It was more the daily humiliation and total lack of self-respect,’ I said.

‘Same thing. You felt guilty every time you had to force an untruth on your customers, and that led to low self-esteem. Being an accomplished liar isn’t a talent, James, it’s a deficiency of character. Poor liars don’t lack the
ability
to lie so much as they possess the empathy to know that lying is, generally, both selfish and destructive for all concerned. Effective lying requires a suppression of conscience. That you lack the tools to do this well is nothing to be ashamed of.’

I’d always assumed I was a reasonably good liar. I’d certainly had plenty of practice. ‘Was that a compliment?’ I asked.

‘Merely an observation. But I apologise for getting sidetracked, we were discussing your thoughts on moving back to your parents’ house.’

I’d preferred the sidetrack. ‘Okay, so I don’t exactly relish living at home in my thirties. I don’t think I’d be alone in that.’

‘Very true, James. Yet, it’s been very much your own actions that have taken you back there. Am I wrong?’

‘Well, no,’ I said. ‘But it’s only short term.’

‘Saving up for a deposit, are you? Pub wages must have gone up a bit since my day.’

‘The pub’s only a stop gap.’

‘Ah, so you have a plan, do you?’

‘Eh.’

‘That’s what I thought.’

‘Have you and my parents been meeting in secret?’

Joe laughed. ‘Not at all, though I’d be delighted to make their acquaintance.’
No chance mate
, I thought, as Joe went on. ‘You clearly think I share their opinions, though.’

I laughed. ‘Seems that way.’

‘So, what is this opinion we have of you?’

‘That starting over is a stupid idea and I’m basically a waste of space.’

‘I see,’ Joe said. ‘Tell me, have either of your parents ever actually said that?’

‘They don’t need to, believe me.’

‘And have I ever said that’s what I think?’

‘Well, no,’ I admitted.

‘Yet you choose to assign these opinions to all three of us. I find that interesting.’

‘That’s nice for you.’ I could hear the truculence in my voice as I spoke.

‘I believe I said this very evening I admired your career change, did I not?’ Joe said, ignoring my childish tone.

I’d forgotten about that. ‘So?’ I said, layering some petulance on top of the truculence.

‘It’s never advisable to assume you know what’s going on in other people’s heads, James.’

I had to laugh. ‘That’s all you’ve done since I met you.’

‘Yes, but I’m allowed.’

‘That’s a bit of a double standard, isn’t it?’

‘No.’

It’s hard to argue with a straight
no
. I gave it a go anyway. ‘Yes it is!’

‘No, James, it isn’t.’

‘So you’re just better than me, is that what you’re saying?’

‘Well, you might beat me at table tennis, I’ve never managed to master that, but in most respects, yes. There’s no shame in it, it’s simple genetics. We only have the tools we’re born with.’ Joe stated this as plain fact, no ego involved.

‘I’m rubbish at table tennis,’ I admitted.

‘There is also the fact I’ve spent forty-five years studying the human mind and how it works. That may give me a slight edge.’

This made me feel better. ‘Can I ask you something, Joe?’

‘Of course, James. As long as you respect that I may choose not to answer.’

‘Fair enough. Why am I here?’

‘You might be better off with a priest for that one,’ Joe said. ‘Or perhaps a Buddhist.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘Why am I here tonight? Why did you invite me for dinner?’

‘Ah, I see,’ Joe said, nodding. ‘Let me guess, you think I’m using you to relieve my boredom or something similar, yes?’

‘Well that’s certainly what Terry thinks,’ I said. ‘I’m unsure, personally.’

‘Can I be candid?’ Joe asked.

‘Okay.’

‘It’s mainly politeness.’

‘Sorry?’

‘You invited me out for a drink twice, and I accepted on both occasions. And, I won’t lie, almost enjoyed myself. I therefore felt it would only be polite to reciprocate in some manner.’

This was a bit deflating. ‘Is that all?’

‘Well, to be truthful, I
am
also using you to relieve my boredom; Terry was quite insightful in that respect. Retirement is less eventful than I’d hoped, and you’ve proven to be an interesting diversion.’

‘Christ, are you always this honest?’

‘Always, James. We have something in common, you see. The reason I know you’re such a bad liar is that I’m a terrible liar, too. I recognised this fact at an early age, thankfully, and have since followed a policy of honesty at all times. You’d be amazed what a difference not lying makes, you should try it.’

‘So, you never lie to anyone?’ No way could that be true.

‘Nope, never.’

‘But you’re a therapist!’

‘How little you understand about therapy, James, if you think lying is part of it.’

‘But surely you must have had loads of patients who were just moaning idiots.’

‘I did indeed, and I told every one of them that very thing.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Of course. Until they know they’re an idiot they can’t move on.’

‘So, am I an idiot?’

‘No James, you’re not an idiot.’

Thank God for that
, I thought.

‘You’re a wanker, as has been previously stated,’ Joe said.

Bastard!
‘Oh, cheers. What’s the difference?’

‘It’s simple. An idiot is someone oblivious to their weaknesses; a wanker is someone oblivious to their strengths. These are purely my own definitions, you understand.’

‘So, you’re saying I’m oblivious to my strengths?’ Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad about being a wanker. ‘What strengths? What am I oblivious to?’ I was a little excited.

‘As I’ve said, I never lie. Sometimes I refrain from commenting, though.’

‘Aw.’ That wasn’t fair.

‘Watch the film, James. The mirror scene is coming up in a minute.’

He was at least right about it being a classic scene. Bruce Lee certainly wasn’t a wanker; he made the most of his strengths in all sorts of robust and lethal ways.

Chapter 15

My mobile started playing
Rock The
Casbah
.

‘Jim, where are you?’ asked Paula.

‘Bus stop.’

‘Why didn’t you wait for me to get back?’

‘Eh, I didn’t know I was supposed to.’

‘Did my dad kick you out?’

‘Not as such,’ I said. When
Enter the Dragon
finished Joe had offered me a coffee then told me he had some work to do upstairs. I sat alone in the living room drinking my coffee for ten minutes before accepting he wasn’t coming back and let myself out.

‘Are you working in the morning?’ Paula asked.

‘No, I’m in at six.’ I was due to do my first evening shift the next day.

‘Wait there and I’ll pick you up in a cab.’

‘Oh, okay.’ The sensation of not having a bloody clue what was happening was starting to feel natural and my mind remained relatively blank during the five minutes it took for Paula to arrive.

‘Why did you leave?’ she asked, after directing the taxi driver to head for
Shawlands
.

‘Your dad sort of disappeared; I didn’t know what else to do.’

‘Shit, he can be a right eejit sometimes.’

‘At least he was around for most of the evening,’ I said.

‘I know, I can’t believe my mum sprang that cinema trip on me. I swear I didn’t know a thing about it till five minutes before you got there.’

‘I’m guessing it was probably your dad’s idea.’

‘More than likely, sorry. Was he a nightmare?’