SEAN: A Mafia Romance (The Callahans Book 3) (12 page)

I bit my lip hard enough to taste a little blood. And then I mumbled the truth against her shoulder, saying the words for the first time into her sweater.

“What?” she asked.

I wanted to laugh. It was too hard to say it the first time and she wanted me to say it again? Ridiculous.

“I killed her,” I said, pulling back just a little, my eyes still focused on her shoulder. “I killed my mother.”

There. It was out. Now was the moment of truth.

I needed to hold her; I needed her to tell me it was okay. Instead, she jumped off my lap and moved several feet away before turning to confront me.

“You did what?”

It was the beginning of the end.

Delaney

His words kept reverberating through my head.

I killed my mother.

What the hell did that mean?

“You did what? I mean…tell me what happened.”

He shook his head, his eyes stuck on the floor. His arms dangled sort of uselessly between his legs, his shoulders slumped like he’d simply given up and allowed his burden to break his back.

“It’s complicated.”

“You keep saying that, but I don’t see it that way. When you say you killed her, does that mean you actually took a gun and shot her…that sort of killed?”

“I didn’t shoot her.”

“Then what did you do?”

He shook his head, his shoulders sinking even more, as if that was possible.

I didn’t understand. My head was spinning.

“She had cancer.”

“She was dying. But she might have lived another month or two.”

“Then why? Why would you kill her?”

“She asked me to.”

“She asked you to?”

“She was in pain, and Pops…”

Sean

Six years ago…

“Hi, darling,” Mom said, as I walked into the room, her hand held out to me. I didn’t recognize her. She was so thin! And frail. My mom had never been frail. She was a strong woman who saved children, a woman who stood up to a strong man like my Pops almost as if he was a child himself. And he always melted when she turned that biting tongue on him. He loved her so much that he didn’t care what came out of her mouth, as long as she still whispered words of endearment into his ear at the end of the day.

I took her hand and leaned close to kiss her cheek.

“You look beautiful, Momma. What the hell are you doing in here? You should be at home cooking me a healthy supper.”

“I should,” she agreed, even as Pops shot me a dark look. “And I will, as soon as your father and the doctors decide I’ve gained back enough weight.” She glanced down at herself. “Imagine, struggling with my weight all my life. Never could find a diet that worked. And now that I’m finally skinny, I don’t have the energy to go out and buy a sexy outfit.”

“T.M.I., Momma.”

She laughed, but the laughter turned into a cough as the tube running through her nose and down her throat tickled the back of her throat the wrong way.

“Give us a minute, okay, darlin’?” Pops said, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. Then he gestured for me to join him out in the hallway.

“It’s bad,” I muttered, glancing back over my shoulder as the door closed.

“Not so bad. They’ve started her on a little medication that should buy her some time.”

“Chemo? I thought she chose not to do that.”

“What she doesn’t know…”

“Pops!”

“She’s dying, Sean. Don’t you want as much time with her as possible? I know I do.”

I wrapped my arms around myself, holding my own shoulders so tight that I could feel the bruises forming. I glanced back over my shoulder, catching just the slightest view of her through the long, narrow window in the door. She was on her side, every delicate bone in her spine poking out between the edges of her hospital gown.

My mom had always been a healthy woman, a chubby woman. I couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t round, complaining about the way her jeans fit. And now she was a waif, a wisp of a woman with white hair—Momma’s hair had always been jet black—and bones that poked out in places that weren’t natural.

Tears built in my throat making it so raw that I almost couldn’t swallow.

“The doctor’s going to discharge her in a few days, but he’s going to send us home with some medication that should help slow the growth of the cancer.”

“And how much time will that buy her?”

“Don’t know. At least a month or two more. When you’re counting your days in weeks, that’s pretty impressive.”

I nodded. “What if she finds out?”

“Then she can yell at me. But I’m not ready to let her go.”

I nodded again, not sure what else to do.

“Killian, Ian, Kevin, and Kyle have all had some time alone with her. Stacy came up, but she was crying so hard I had to make her step out. I’ll bring her back tomorrow.”

“Does she know how bad it is?”

“Of course. We saw three doctors, and each one said the same thing. We even went to some holistic quack, and he told her the same thing.”

“There’s nothing that can be done?”

“No.” Pops looked away, but not before I saw the tears in his eyes. “She just wants to be kept comfortable. She says there’s no point in fighting the inevitable. But you kids…you need more time with her.”

We stood there for a moment, an uncomfortable silence falling between us. Then Pops rubbed his face with both hands, wiping away the grief and replacing it with simple exhaustion.

“I’m gonna go say goodnight. I’ll be back first thing in the morning. If you need anything…”

“I know.”

I followed him back into the room, but I stayed back as he leaned down and whispered to her before kissing her gently. Momma said something as he turned to leave, grasping his hand and whispering intently to him. He nodded several times, kissing her harder before he turned away again. There were tears on his cheeks, and his chin was trembling. I’d never seen my dad cry before. It was traumatizing.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying myself.

I sat in a chair beside the bed, half turned so that I didn’t have to stare at her back. The sight of it was just too much.

“None of you should have to go through this.”

Her voice should have been weak, but it wasn’t. There was strength there that was so much like the voice I’d grown up with, the voice that told me to clean my room and whispered words of affection all on the same day, sometimes at the same time.

“It’s not your fault, Momma.”

“I know. But I hate seeing the grief in your eyes.”

I knew I shouldn’t look at her, but I couldn’t help myself. She had turned back toward me, her hand outstretched once again. And there were tears in her eyes.

“I love you, Momma.”

“I know.”

I took her hand, shocked by how cold it was. I held it between both of mine, rubbing it a little the way she used to do when we’d come in from playing in the snow and our hands would be beet red from the cold.

“I’ve talked with each of your brothers and your sister. I’ve said my goodbyes.”

I shook my head. “Don’t talk like that.”

“You’ve always been the strongest. Killian thinks he is because he’s the oldest, but he’s really just a big teddy bear. And Ian…he saw too much when he was a child. He shouldn’t have to be strong now. Kyle is such a child still—even though he likes to think he’s a man. And Kevin…poor Kevin.”

I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed her fingertips. She smiled, but pulled her hand away.

“Stacy isn’t going to take my death well. You’ll have to watch out for her and make sure she keeps her head on straight.”

“Killian was always her favorite. You should be telling this to him.”

“Killian will be there for her. Eventually. But I think it’s going to take him a little while to come around.”

“Momma—”

“Kevin’s going to need some help, too. He’s always been so angry, and this is just pushing him over the edge. Promise me you’ll be there for him.”

“You know I will be.”

“And Kyle. Take care of Kyle. But don’t get so deep in taking care of your siblings that you forget about yourself.” She reached for my hand, squeezing it lightly. “I’m so proud of you for getting into law school. You make sure that you finish, that you do everything you’ve always wanted to do.”

“I will, Momma.”

“I love you, Sean. You were always my favorite.” She smiled softly. “When I was pregnant with you, you would kick like crazy every time I desperately needed a little comfort. And when you were a toddler, I’d be crying and you’d come over and give me a hug or cuddle with me until I was feeling better. You were so intuitive, so empathetic. I adored you so much.”

I pulled the chair closer to the bed and leaned in close to her. “I love you. I don’t know what we’re going to do without you. You’re the one who’s always held us together.”

“You’ll be fine. You’ll just have to learn to lean on one another a little better.”

She closed her eyes for a long moment, her face contorted. She was in pain…it had never occurred to me that she was suffering until that moment, until I saw the pain on her face.

“Momma…”

She opened her eyes and continued as if nothing had happened. “Your father is quite capable of taking care of himself. But he’ll be devastated when everything is said and done. You’ll have to watch over him and make sure he doesn’t just give up on life.”

“We will.”

I rubbed her arm, and she smiled again, but the smile was weaker this time. She was fading.

“Promise me you’ll take care of him.”

“Pops?”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

She studied my face a minute. “You’ll watch over your siblings and you’ll protect your father?”

“I will.”

She closed her eyes even as she patted my hand. “You’re a good boy, Sean.”

She drifted off to sleep for a few minutes, the sound of her soft snores heartbreaking. I studied her face, softened by sleep, and tried to find my mother in it. But that woman was gone, eaten up by the cancer that was ravishing her body.

I bit back tears again, cursing the doctors and the gods and whoever else crossed my mind for what was happening to her. After everything she’d done for so many children, to have her die this way, it was so undignified.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to take her place, to allow her to continue living no matter what the cost. I wanted to make this stop and make everything okay for her, for the family, for everyone whose lives she’d touched and made better. I wanted my mom back.

“I want to die,” she whispered.

I thought for a moment that she was still asleep. But she was watching me through pain-filled eyes.

“Momma—?”

“The pain is unbearable. And the nausea is constant. I’m so weak that I can’t walk. I can’t sit up for too long. I can’t even go to the bathroom alone.”

“But once you’ve gained a little weight—”

“And how long will that last? Without this damn tube—which is so uncomfortable I can’t even begin to explain it—I’ll just continue to waste away.”

I’d never heard my mother use a curse word before. And it had been a long time since I’d seen her cry. But now she was crying, great big tears that seemed to swallow her up.

“Don’t cry, Momma,” I said, leaning close to the bed so that our heads were right next to one another. “Please.”

“I’m sorry to do this to you, Sean, but I know you’re the only one.”

“The only one, what? What are you talking about?”

She touched my cheek lightly. “I can’t do it anymore. And your father…he’s going to do everything he can to ensure that I live as long as possible. I can’t bear that.”

“I can talk to him, convince him—”

“There’s no convincing your father once he’s made a decision.”

“Momma—”

“Don’t you think I’ve told him that I don’t want chemo? We had a long discussion about it and I made my arguments and he said he understood. But now they think they’re sneaking this stuff into my IV, but I know what they’re doing.” She patted my cheek lightly. “And I know you know it, too.”

“He thinks he’s helping.”

“I know. He’s doing it because he loves me and he’s afraid to be alone.” She scraped her hand over my face again. “I believe there is one person out there for everyone. And I believe your father is my one, true love. Not everyone finds their true love, and some…well, maybe some are allowed more than one. Or maybe it’s not always a two-way street. I think your father loves me and he’s come to believe I’m his one true love. But I also believe that he’s the kind of man who can find happiness with someone else. And he will. He’ll move on with his life after I’m gone; he’s just afraid of that moment.”

“He loves you.”

She smiled. “I know. I know he does, finally, after all this time, I know that Brian loves me and that he knows I love him. And that’s wonderful. But I…I’m tired, Sean. I’m ready to go.” She touched me once again, running her nails over the edge of my jaw. “I’m sad that I won’t see Stacy get married, that I won’t hold my first grandchild. I’m sad I won’t live to see each of you settle down and raise your own families. But I believe you’ll each be wonderful fathers and Stacy will be a wonderful mother, because I’ve taught you well.”

“We will.”

She nodded, her white hair moving awkwardly against her pillows. “I know you’ll all be fine because you have one another and you have your father. You’ll take care of each other because I’ve talked to each of you, and each of you made the same promises.”

“You’re not going today,” I said softly. “Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?”

“Because I am. I need to go, Sean. And I want you to help me.”

I immediately pulled away, shaking my head so vigorously that if I was a dog, saliva would have been spraying from my half-open mouth.

“I won’t.”

“There’s morphine in that machine,” she said, gesturing toward the small machine controlling her IV drips. “All you have to do is increase the dosage. Then, when it’s delivered, change it back.”

“No, Momma. I won’t do it.”

Her eyes softened with disappointment. “I know it’s a lot to ask. But you’re the only one I could ask.”

“Killian—”

“Killian is too softhearted. He would dissolve into sobs if I asked him.”

“No, he’s the strong one. He’s the one who always takes charge, who always makes us do what’s right.”

“Yeah, but he’s also the one who used to sneak you popsicles when you were grounded.”

“What about Ian?”

She shook her head again. “He’s been through enough. He doesn’t need this on his conscience, too.”