Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows) (17 page)

S
oft strains from a violin washed over me as I stepped out onto the raised patio and looked over the heads of the family and friends who had gathered to share in my special day. My nerves made their first appearance, and my hands clutched the stems of the bouquet in a strangled hold. Tucked safely amidst the sunflowers, red tulips, and white daisies was the scrap of blue thistle lace that came from the veil my great grandmother had worn when she’d married in Scotland just before coming to America with her new husband. The big toe of my left foot rubbed back and forth across the penny that my dad had tucked into my boot.

The minister motioned to the quartet, and the music changed to Pachelbel’s
“Canon in D.” Movement on the right caught my eye, and as Daddy placed my hand on his arm, Tripp moved into place beside Pastor Paul. Our eyes met, and the smile on his face made my nerves vanish. In their place was an eagerness that had my father laughing. “Slow down, my little songbird. I promise that I will deliver you safely and quickly.”

What had appeared so solemn and serious at the rehearsal now seemed to be too much of a bother. My eyes were set on the prize, and I didn’t want to waste any more time getting to him. With laughter in my eyes and voice, I looked up at Dad and said, “Hurry, I need to be up there already.”
There was precious little time left with Tripp, and I didn’t want to squander a second of it.

By now, we were halfway down the aisle, and I fought the impulse to lift my dress and run. When we finally reached the front row where Mom and Nana sat, I threw
caution to the wind, handed my flowers to Dad, and in three quick steps, I was where I needed to be, wrapped tight in Tripp’s arms.

As laughter broke out among the crowd, Tripp scattered kisses all over my face. “Nice boots, babe,” he whispered, amusement coloring his voice. “I think the kiss is supposed to come later.”

“Sorry, but not really,” I whispered back. “I just couldn’t wait one more second. I love you so much.”

Finally, his lips settled on mine, and the world around us faded into the background. “A
ww, babe. I love you, too. Let’s get this part over with so we can get on with the rest of our lives.”

By the time the girls and I make it to the park, my family is already set up in our normal spot near the swing sets. Annie and Bekah immediately head for a gaggle of their friends, and Maggie gives a big yawn, plops down in Liam’s lap, and snuggles into his arms. By the looks of things, I’m not the only one who’s tired. The girls have spent the weekend at my parents’ house running them ragged, and I see tired faces all around.

As darkness approaches, Maggie drifts off to sleep and the other girls come and join us
in watching the fireworks. Even though the show is actually two blocks away, we have always chosen this location so the loud noises don’t startle the girls. Tripp and I learned our lesson on that the year we brought a two-year-old Annie with us. The noises from the explosives scared her so badly that we only lasted about five minutes into the performance before leaving. After that experience, we made sure to search out a location where we could still see all the action, but remain far enough away that the noise wasn’t blasting in our ears.

When I notice that everyone
is focusing on the colorful explosions in the sky, I slide closer to Mom and nudge her arm with my elbow, trying to gently get her attention. When she finally makes eye contact with me, I nod my head towards the bathroom, stand quietly to my feet, and then help Mom up so she can follow. As we make our way over, Mom whispers, “You were a little late this evening. Everything okay, sweetie?”

“Mom, when you saw Lara at the school
on Friday, did you see the kids, too?”

“No, I didn’t see the children. I just saw her put a couple of backpacks in the trunk of her car before she got inside.
I guess I shouldn’t assume that she has children. I suppose she could’ve been picking up kids for a friend?” She doesn’t sound so sure of her answer. “Oh no, I told Liam she has children, and they may not be hers. What have I done?”

“But if she’s just moved back
here, what ‘friend’ could she possibly know well enough to be doing something like that?” As a mom, I know how protective I am of my girls and how choosy I am when it comes to the people that I let them spend time around. While I wouldn’t consider myself a helicopter mom that hovers constantly over them, I also know that if something happens to them, I won’t be able to live with myself if I had somehow put them in a dangerous or unsavory situation.

“
Wrynn, honey, I have no idea. If she’s here to stay, it won’t be long before we find out. Either way, I’m not looking forward to Liam’s reaction when he runs into her for the first time. She’s hurt him enough.” Mom turns and starts back towards the family. “Now, let’s go watch the fireworks with our family.”

“Mom, one more sec. We were late this evening because I ran into Lara in the bank parking lot.
She
said
she’d grabbed some groceries and needed to get home, but, Mom … she seemed very nervous to see me.” I look down at the ground, giving myself a second while I try to figure out just what all I should tell her. “And, well … when I saw two little heads in the back of her car, and then asked her about it. Well, she just kinda took off, ran away, like she’s hiding something. Mom, I don’t have a good feeling about this. Not good at all.” Why is my stomach in knots? This is my mom I’m talking to, for Heaven’s sake. I shouldn’t be nervous or stammering my words. “Okay, I’m just gonna spit it out, and you do with it what you want. The hair on those two small heads, it was my hair when I was younger. It was Liam’s hair when he was Annie’s age. I’ve seen the pictures, and Mom, that could’ve been Liam and me sitting in the backseat of that car.”

Thank
goodness that there’s no wind tonight, because I swear the slightest breeze would be strong enough to take my momma down. She stands there, staring off into space, her body not moving an inch. Then, I notice her eyes shifting back and forth, and rolling up and down as if she’s chasing the thoughts around in her head. Just as I start to feel concerned, she turns to me. “My son is a father, and if I were a gambler, I’d bet he has absolutely no idea, whatsoever. This had to have happened when he was away at college. Now do you understand why your dad and I were so strict with you?” She stops for a moment to gather her thoughts. “Wrynn, his life is getting ready to change, and change big. Knowing your brother, he’s going to be so hurt that he’s missed all these years without knowing about them. But on the other hand, Lara wouldn’t have stayed gone without good reason. We will just have to trust those two to work this out between them. You may have to remind me not to interfere, though.” She looks over my shoulder as if deep in thought, and with a peaceful smile, says, “I can’t wait to see what his tomorrow brings.” With a quiet laugh, Mom loops her arm through mine, and giving me a quick tug, she guides me back over to where our family is sitting. The peace and contentment that flows from my mom has no choice but to spill over onto me.

Monday, Monday, oh
, how I hate you! This morning starts with the usual rush to get the girls up, dressed and ready, and over to my parents’ house. I still feel a little guilty that they canceled their holiday plans to watch the girls for me, but Liam had gotten a fire call while we were enjoying the show. Since we all know how exhausted he is likely to be after fighting a late night fire, Mom didn’t want me to worry about leaving the munchkins with him. Dad assures me that he has no problem hanging out with his favorite girls, and knowing him, there will be ‘ice scream’ involved.

The S
mokehouse is rocking during lunchtime as people hurry through their meals to get downtown for the parade. It’s almost time for my shift to end, and I dread fighting traffic to get over to Ruka’s for my evening shift. Part of me is really glad that I’m not going to be there for all the festivities because, for the last several days, I’ve felt a peace in my heart. It’s almost as if the old me has decided that it’s time to come back. I don’t know if that means that I’m ready to tackle the box that’s been sitting in my closet for three years, but at least I can actually think of it now without falling apart. I’ve shared some great laughs with my friends, and not heard one peep out of Mrs. Tidwell. I still get a little giddy when I remind myself that, Lord willing, I will NEVER have to call that woman Mother again.

Since today is Memorial Day, all the staff is dressed in red, white, and blue. When choosing my clothes this morning, I decided it would be fitting to wear my
white wedding boots to honor my memories of Tripp. Any good country girl has several pairs of her favorite cowboy boots to wear, and I am no exception. When I had shopped with Mom and Nana for wedding shoes, none of those fancy heels, wedges, or slippers so much as caught my eye, but when we walked by the western store, the Tony Lama’s sitting in the display window were singing my name. To this day, every time I put them on, I hear Tripp say, “Nice boots, babe.” And he was right. The creamy white leather has a crackled finish, and western stitching climbs the shaft. Even with a two and a half inch heel, they are cushioned enough to wear all day at work, and they get more comfortable every time I wear them. Momma may still tease me about them, but they are so worth it.

Because thinking of my boots has inevitably carried my thought
s back to Tripp, I am not paying the least bit of attention to where I’m walking. I stare blindly at the floor as I head to clock out. The next thing I know, I’ve carelessly stepped one of those boots not so gently on someone’s foot. When I look up to apologize, my boss is standing in front of me, grin firmly in place. “Well, Wrynn, it looks like I won’t be needing you at Ruka’s this evening. Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you, seeing as how you seem a might bit distracted.”

“Aw, come on Charlie. You know that means I’ll have to go to the parade.” I hear the whine in my voice, but I just can’t help it. If I go to the parade and the mayor
happens to see me, he will call me out in front of everyone to give a short speech about Tripp and his time in the Army. He does this to all the military families. There is nothing quite like being put on the spot in front of hundreds of people to make a girl feel self-conscious. “I’ve had a couple of really good days. All in a row, too. Don’t do this to me!”

Charlie’s grin softens, and compassion fills his eyes as he pulls me into a comforting hug.
“Aww, hon. You’re breaking my heart, but we both know you don’t need the paycheck.” He steps back releasing me from his arms, but takes hold of one of my hands. “Debi’s car is broken down again, and she called to see if she could get more hours to help pay the repair bill. You’d think she drives a Bentley the way she goes on and on about that stupid thing. Personally, I think it’d be better off at the junkyard.”

Charlie knows that Debi is one of my weak spots. She and her sister Lea have helped me a lot since I’ve come to work here.
They always try to cheer me up when I’m in one of my blue moods. Because my girls can’t exactly let me know ahead of time when sickness is going to hit, I never know when I might need to call one of them and ask for shift coverage. Knowing that Debi needs the hours gives me a twinge of guilt for my earlier whining. “Okay, Charlie. You win. Well, Debi wins, but you know I’d do anything to help her or Lea out. If she wants, she can have my hours tomorrow, too. That’ll give me a chance to catch up on some things while the girls are at school.”

“Well, since you’ve mentioned it, would you mind if she works for you on Wednesday
, as well? She said she’d take any hours that I could find.” Charlie gives my hand a squeeze, and turns to walk away. “You could use a little time off, you know. I’m surprised you’ve not made yourself sick yet from all the running around. Go. Enjoy. Don’t let me see you back until Thursday.” With that said, he gives me a satisfied grin and heads back into the kitchen.

As I put my time in on the computer, I start to think of all the excuses I can to avoid going to the parade.
What it boils down to is the simple fact that my girls will want to be there. Because I have been working so much, we’ve not gotten the together time that we all need. Poor little Maggie has never experienced the fun loving mom who planned picnics at midnight, finger painted with pudding, and made sand art on the back deck, all just for fun. The only mom she has known is the one who drags herself in at 2 am, exhausted beyond belief from working double shifts, or even worse, the one who sometimes curls up in a ball on the floor of her closet and weeps from her yearnings for yesterday.

Holy cow. That is SO not who I want her to remember me being, and the only person who can change her perception
of me is ME. As I walk out the door of The Smokehouse, I feel as if I’ve been hit upside the head. At the same time, I sense my former self, peeking her head out from around the corner in my mind, and saying, “It’s about time you just suck it up and move on.” Wow, I’m not sure I like her very much, but yes, she’s right. I do need to abandon the wallowing and the whining, and quit trying to work myself to death. I need to find me again—the fun me, the happy me, the living me. What better way is there to start the search than by taking my girls to something they love? Looks like I’m going to a parade today.

“Mom, can we have ‘ice scream’?”

“Mom, look. There’s the firemen. Can we ride on the big truck?”

“Mommy, I tiwa
rd. Oo tarry me?”

Deep breath
. I am ready to admit right this very second that I do not want to be here. I guess the
new
me decided not to stick around for too long. My stomach is in knots, my heart is pounding, and I’m lightheaded because I forgot to eat yet again, and it’s already 2:00. Come to think of it, ice cream sounds pretty good. “Okay, girls, grab the walking rope.” I’ve learned that when I have Maggie in my arms, it’s all but impossible to hold the other girls’ hands when we’re out in public. Having taught school for many, many years, my mom has all kinds of great ideas when it comes to keeping kids safe. When she shares those ideas with me, I almost always learn something new and easy, and the ‘walking rope’ is no exception. It’s a simple six-foot piece of rope with four knots, and when we need to cross the street, or walk down a busy sidewalk, each of us grabs a knot and holds onto it with both hands. The girls think it’s hilarious, but they know not to let go until we’ve safely arrived at our destination. “I’m thinking we need to stop by Buck’s first and have a bite to eat, and
then
we’ll go get ice cream.”