Seaside Sunsets (25 page)

“I’m sorry. Dating can be difficult.”

She heard a strain in her father’s voice. They’d never talked about dating, and come to think of it, they’d never talked about much besides the world of academics and the orchestra.

“Dad, how did you know you loved Mom?”

“Well…I guess I just knew. I’m not sure how I knew, but everything just fell into place in our lives. It was like once we met, we knew, I guess.”

Jessica could tell by the way he laughed that he was uncomfortable with the question.

“I couldn’t think of anything other than her, believe it or not,” he explained. “I know you’ll find that hard to believe, given how stoic your mother can be, but to me, she’s everything. That doesn’t help you much, but I guess I’m not very good at these things.”

She sighed. “I don’t find it hard to believe. I just…I think we were big distractions to each other’s work. I’m not sure it would have worked out with my career anyway.”

The truth was, she was a distraction. A big one. So was he, but he was the most welcome distraction she’d ever encountered. She closed her laptop, crossed her arms over it, and rested her head on them. With her eyes closed, she could recall his touch as he brushed her hair from her shoulders or pressed his cheek to hers, the way he’d filled her so completely that he’d stolen her breath the first time they’d made love, and the guilt in his eyes when he’d realized that he was only the second man ever to be there. Tears rolled down her cheeks.  She’d found what she was sure was her father’s baseball
and
she’d fallen in love. Two things she’d never imagined she had a hope in hell of accomplishing. Then she’d gone and somehow lost both.

“Sweetheart, if he didn’t think you were worth the distraction, then he’s not the man for you. Every love is a distraction. That’s what makes it so special.”

“Maybe not,” she agreed. Then why did it feel so right to be with Jamie, and why did it hurt so badly to lose him? If he wasn’t worth the energy, how could anything else be? Including the cello? There wasn’t any lingering doubt about who Jamie was or why he loved her. How could that be so wrong?

Because he doesn’t love me. How could he? He never came back.

Maybe her mother was right, and everything outside of being an excellent cellist was not worth the energy. Maybe she’d just needed a good dose of reality to slap her into realizing how lucky she was to hold her position with the orchestra. With every tear that fell, she weighed her thoughts, and not one of them took hold.

“I think I’d better go, Dad.”

“Jessica, honey, if you’re this torn up over him, maybe you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.” He lowered his voice, and it sounded as if he was walking as he spoke. “Honey, some things are more important than being the best cellist. But if you tell your mother I said so, I’ll deny it until the cows come home.”

She heard the smile in his voice.

“Okay.” She wiped her tears.

“I’d do anything for your mother, and you know that, but, Jessica, you don’t have to. You have choices in your life. I know you’ve put your all into your career, and you’ve done a damn good job of it. Whether or not you make the Chamber Players doesn’t matter. Don’t put that pressure on yourself, and I’m sorry if I did.”

Don’t put that pressure on myself? A spot with the Chamber Players is what everyone strives for.
Her mother had ingrained that in her mind since she first started playing with the symphony. “You deserve to let yourself be happy. There are ways to have both, you know. Your career and a relationship. Your mother and I did it.”

She couldn’t stop a laugh from slipping out. “No,
you
did it. She does whatever she pleases and you conform.”

“Okay, maybe to some degree, but that’s what relationships are. Compromises. I love you, honey, and if you want to talk any more, just call me. But at least think about talking to this man if you think he’s worth it.”

“Okay. Thanks, Dad.” Now more than ever she wished she’d found that baseball for him.

After they ended the call, she once again debated calling Jamie, and after a few minutes, she decided against it. There was only one way to distract herself from her heartache. She took out her cello and began to play.

She jumped when her phone rang twenty minutes later.

Amy
.

She debated not answering, but the thought of losing the friends she’d made in addition to losing Jamie was too painful.

“Hello?”

“Hi, hon. It’s Amy. I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.”

Jessica wasn’t sure how much to confess to Amy. She was, after all, Jamie’s friend first, and she knew how close he and the girls were. She decided to be a little vague.

“I’m okay, thanks, Amy. How’s the Cape?” She missed having breakfast with the girls. She missed talking to them and listening to them share advice and give each other a hard time. She never even got to go chunky-dunking.

“It’s quiet without you and Jamie here. But you know, it’s the Cape, so it’s still amazing.”

“Jamie’s not there? I thought he was there for the summer.” He left? His business must be in trouble.
I must have been a worse distraction than I thought
.

“He went back to handle whatever was going on at work.”

“So he’s here. In Boston?” Her pulse quickened, even though there was no reason for it. Boston was a big city, and it wasn’t like he was there to see her, but still, somehow knowing he was in the same city set a slew of butterflies loose in her belly.

“Yeah. I guess. He left the day after you did. I wish you’d come back. Do you think you can make it up for a weekend? You said you rented the apartment for the whole summer, right?”

Jessica heard the hope in her voice and knew it was genuine. “I don’t know. My schedule with the orchestra is really busy, but even if I could, I think it would hurt too much.”

“Oh, hon. Have you talked to Jamie yet?”

“No. I can’t. It’ll just hurt more. I know it’s over. I just…I can’t believe it. And being there, where we fell in love…”

Amy gasped. “Jamie told you he loved you?”

She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. It felt good to have someone to talk to, to get it out of her system. “Yes. Right before he left to see Mark and never came back.”

“Well, Mark’s a big turd. I’ve known Jamie since he was a little boy, and as far as I know, he’s never been in love before, so that has to mean something. Don’t give up hope.”

I already have
. “Yeah, it means he either didn’t mean it, or that he realized I really was too much of a distraction to be worth it.”

“Want me and the girls to come visit you for a night? You’re only two hours away.”

She couldn’t imagine trying to maintain a brave face in front of the girls, and they were Jamie’s friends first. She was so confused. Even though Amy was reaching out, what if she came between the girls and Jamie? She’d never forgive herself.

“No, thank you. I mean, I’d love to see you, but I don’t want to put you guys out. Besides, with my schedule, I don’t know when I could spend time with you.”

“Well, if you change your mind, let me know. And, Jessica, even if you’re not with Jamie, you’re welcome here. We all miss you.”

“Thanks, Amy. I miss you guys, too.”

After they ended the call, she went to the den to practice. The roses Jamie had given her were in the window overlooking the park. She smelled the pink and white roses, noting the petals that had fallen to the windowsill, the brown edges of several others. Maybe it’s a sign.
Nothing lasts forever
. Even the thought felt wrong.

She went back to the living room and picked up her cell phone.

Call him. Just call him
.

She tried to imagine their conversation. She’d apologize for being a distraction, and he’d tell her she wasn’t one. But she was, and she didn’t have a solution to that. There was no solution. She loved him and she wanted to spend time with him, and having no solution to her being a distraction sucked. Or, she could call and say she missed him. Eventually they’d get back to the whole distraction thing.
Another sucky scenario
. She didn’t understand why he didn’t tell her the reasons he was ending things. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would end things like this—and in her heart, she knew he wasn’t.

She stared at her phone.
He called. He wants to talk
.

She pressed her voicemail icon and listened to his message again. His voice sent a shiver through her chest. She had to talk to him. She sat on the couch and leaned her elbows on her knees. Holding the phone between her hands, she brought her forehead to it and closed her eyes.

A few minutes later, she called him, and when his voicemail picked up, she froze.
Talk. Talk. Talk
. “Hi. I miss you, and I’m sorry. Oh God, Jamie. I miss you so darn much.” She ended the call before she could say anything else and dropped the phone on the couch like a hot potato.

What am I doing? I sound desperate.

I am desperate.

For him.

THE AFTERNOON SUN shone through the window of Jamie’s fifteenth-floor office. He’d been elbow deep in computer code since five in the morning, trying desperately to think through the bug that plagued the search engine. The issue had escalated with an article in
Tech News Today
that had already been picked up across too many newswires to count. His analysis was stopped cold every few minutes as thoughts of Jessica broke his concentration. He wondered if she was still on hiatus, and just as fast as that thought entered his mind, he wondered what she was really on hiatus from—sending his mind into a whirlwind of confusion. Why had she made up the story about playing for the Boston Symphony Orchestra? Was she as lonely for him at night as he was for her? A Tilt-A-Whirl ran in slower cycles than his brain lately.

There was a knock at the office door. He stared at it for a moment, debating his escape. He was in no mood to speak to anyone. The door cracked open and his assistant, Amelia Carr, poked her head into the office. Her dark hair fell over her shoulder, almost as long as Jessica’s. She had a pensive look on her young face.

“I know you wanted privacy, but Mark Wiley has already come by twice, and he’s here again.”

The door crashed open, pulling Amelia into the room with it, her hand still glued to the doorknob. Mark pushed past her.

“He’ll see me.” He sat in the leather chair across from Jamie’s desk with a large manila folder in his lap, casual as could be.

Amelia’s eyes widened as she inspected her hand, then rubbed her arm.

Jamie glared at Mark on his way to Amelia. “Are you okay?”

She brushed her skirt and blouse, as if she could brush the embarrassment away. “Yes, thank you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to let him in.”

“It’s fine. Thank you, Amelia, and I’m sorry for his rude behavior.”

She closed the door behind her and Jamie turned on Mark. “You’re an ass. She didn’t deserve that.”

“You’re probably right, and if you had seen me the first two times I’d stopped by, I wouldn’t have had to barge into the room.” His nose was still a little swollen.

“You should have apologized, and when you leave, I expect you to do just that. She’s not your issue. I am.” The sight of Mark brought back the shattered look in Jessica’s beautiful eyes, the tremulous shaking of her arms as she clung to him, her heart broken by what Mark had said to her. Why had it taken Mark hurting someone he loved for Jamie to see him so clearly?

“Even if you might have been right about Jessica, you had no business going after her in such a hurtful way. You had no business slamming past Amelia, and, come to think of it, you sure as hell had no business propositioning Jenna a few years back. You were way out of line, Mark. You have a problem, you come to me. Got it?”

Mark’s expression was blank as a piece of paper. “I might have done you a favor. You weren’t thinking straight.”

With fisted hands, Jamie rose to his feet and leaned across the desk. “You’re riding a very fine line right now. Friend or no friend.” He gritted his teeth to keep from climbing over the desk and pounding the shit out of him. “Think before you speak, and tell me what the hell you want. If it has to do with Jessica, take your ass out of here, because I don’t ever want to hear her name from you again.”

Without a word, Mark tossed the manila folder on his desk and walked out of his office, closing the door too loudly behind him.

Jamie stared at the large black letters written across the front.
Jessica Ayers.

“Goddamn it.”

Jamie picked up the envelope and sat in his leather chair. He knew what was inside without looking. Goddamn Mark had done a background check on her without Jamie’s permission. Worse than that, he’d done it when Jamie had specifically told him not to.

Between a rock and a hard place didn’t come close to describing Jamie’s position. Mark had risked their friendship and gone against his direct order—and Jamie knew he was just looking out for him and for OneClick, the way he always had.

Fuck
.

He ran his fingers over the envelope. One read would tell him everything he wanted to know, from her work history and previous addresses all the way down to traffic citations and, knowing Mark, a list of the men she’d dated in the past twelve months. He was nothing if not efficient.

And he was a complete ass to women.

To Jessica
.

Jamie tossed the envelope on his desk and paced his large office, which was lined with windows overlooking a park and furnished with mahogany and leather. Jamie had chosen this office over the corner office that offered windows on two sides. The corner office overlooked the street, which offered nothing to Jamie other than noise and distraction. The green lawn of the park, people strolling rather than rushing from one destination to the next, offered him relaxation, inspiration, reminders that life was about more than what existed in the four walls of his office.

He breathed deeply, trying to clear his head, and gazed out the window. A young family with two small children bought food from a street vendor and then walked into the park. The mother wiped the little boy’s face, then kissed his cheek. The father put his arm around her as the kids skipped a few feet ahead, and Jamie’s mind went to Jessica. He’d never considered settling down before meeting her. He’d never met a woman who had made him feel so much, want so much—for both of them.