Season of Passion (8 page)

Two?

The nurse nodded distractedly as Kate arched her back in pain and forgot Felicia's presence. Hold on, honey, we're almost there. Not yet. Not yet Just as soon as we get you on the table. And then she was gone, and Felicia disappeared into the appointed door to scrub and change.

She emerged less than three minutes later in sterilized blue pajamas and rubber-soled grounded shoes, and ran nervously down the corridor toward delivery room two. The nurse in the scrub room had told her where it would be. She pressed a floor buzzer and the door automatically swung open. She was careful to keep her hands and arms away from contact with any surfaces, as she had been told. Once in the delivery room she could hold Kate's hand, but she couldn't touch anything before that, or she'd have to scrub again, and she didn't want to keep Kate waiting that long. It had already seemed like hours. She caught a glimpse of herself in a narrow glass panel and almost grinned. She looked like a character in one of the medical shows on television, her hair tightly wound into a knot and covered with a blue cap that looked like a shower cap. She even wore a little mask. Christ, what if someone took her for a nurse? It was a horrifying thought as she walked into the delivery room, and then she realized that no one could take her for anything but a tourist. The pros were busy getting organized, and Kate was already draped with white sheets. Her legs had been strapped high in the air. To Felicia it looked primitive and cruel, but Kate didn't seem to notice. She kept lifting her head now, as though there were something to see. And for a moment, Felicia felt a small thrill run through her as she realized that maybe there was. This wasn't just Kate's ordeal anymore. It was an event, a happening, a birth. In a few minutes a baby would be born, and the horror of it would be over for, Kate. But Felicia had to admit that even now there seemed to be no horror for Kate. For the first time in hours, Kate turned her head toward her and her eyes seemed to be laughing.

Hi, cookie. Felicia tried hard to sound more at ease than she was.

You look ridiculous, Licia. She could talk again. Felicia felt so relieved she wanted to hug her, but knew she couldn't. Instead, she started to reach for Kate's hand, and then realized that Kate's hands were busy now, pulling at two straps to give herself the leverage she needed to push. The doctor was at the foot of the delivery table, gowned and masked, and his eyes looked kindly behind horn-rimmed glasses.

Okay, Kate, a nice big one now ' steady ' there ' that's it' a little more ' come on, girl, harder ' there ' okay. Rest for a minute now. For a moment Kate's face had been contorted with the effort, and the damp pallor gave way to a hot flush of bursting effort. She was breathless from the strain, and let her head fall back on the pillow, with a quick look at her friend.

Oh Licia, I can't ' help me. Felicia looked frightened and helpless for a moment and a nurse came rapidly up to the head of the table where she stood.

If you'd support her shoulders while she pushes, it would help a lot.

Me? It was the only word Felicia could think of, but Kate was looking like a tired child again the joy and anticipation had gone. She was exhausted. And then another pain roared through Kate, and everyone seemed to tense with anticipation as the doctor did something between her legs.

Licia ' Without thinking, Felicia gently scooped Kate's shoulders into her arms, and held her as the laboring girl shook with the effort. She had never worked as hard at anything in her life. I can't ' it won't '

Harder, Katei Come on, now! The doctor sounded urgent and firm, the nurses seemed to be doing a lot of running and clattering, and Kate was starting to cry again.

I can't' I ' Felicia felt sweat begin to run down her own face as she continued to support Kate's shoulders. Even that was almost too much effort, and she knew it was nothing compared to what Kate must be feeling. Why the hell didn't they give her something to speed it up, or use forceps, or something dammit?

Push harder! The doctor sounded merciless, and Felicia hated him as she watched Kate's face contort with what she thought was pain. It was more work than pain, but Felicia couldn't know. And then suddenly the nurses were buzzing around them again.

Come on, Kate. You can do it now. Just one more good hard push. That's it ' come on ' There was no respite, and then suddenly Felicia realized the tension in the room had heightened. As she glanced at the doctor she saw a different look in his eyes, and one of the nurses was checking a monitoring system they had looped to Kate somewhere. And then Felicia heard it, softly, at the other end of the table. She prayed that Kate was too distracted to hear. Fetal heart monitor, Doctor

Slowing?

You're sure you'll be all right?

Kate grinned across the room at her friend. No, I'm going to panic and call the Red Cross before noon.

Smartass. Felicia grinned, and sipped the last of her coffee. It was a peaceful Sunday morning, and Tygue was almost nine days old. Felicia had gone back to San Francisco and had returned to the country for the weekend. Now she watched as Kate nursed the baby. Doesn't that hurt?

Kate shook her head with a slow smile, and then looked down at her son, pink and white and shiny after his first week of life. No, it doesn't hurt. It sounds corny, but it almost feels like this was what I was made for. And I didn't really think I'd like it.

I never thought I would either. But you know, you're beginning to make me wonder about a lot of things. I always thought having a baby had to be the ultimate horror. Until Pipsqueak here came along. Felicia smiled at him again; she still hadn't gotten over the beauty of the experience. I'm going to miss you two something awful.

It'll do you good. I haven't been to Europe in so long, I forget what it looks like. Felicia was going over for a month, for the store.

Want to come along on my next trip?

With Tygue? Kate looked surprised, and Felicia smiled.

Either way. It would be fun.

Maybe so. But she looked away and her face was very closed.

Kate, you're not really serious about staying down here, are you? It was beginning to worry her.

Very much so. I just signed another lease on the house.

For how long?

Five years.

Felicia looked appalled. Can you get out of it?

I have no idea, love. I'm not planning to. Licia, I know you don't understand it, but this is my home now. I don't think I'd ever have wanted to go back, no matter what. But with Tygue, I'm ready to start a new life. I'd have had to do it somewhere, and this is where I want to be. It's a good place for a child. He'll have a simple, healthy life. I can get up to see Tom. And in a town like this, Tygue never really needs to know what happened to Tom. Harper is a perfectly ordinary name. No one will ask questions. If we go back to San Francisco, one day it'll all come out. She sighed deeply and looked Felicia square in the face. I'd be crazy to go back. Just thinking of the reporters still made her cringe.

All right. Then what about Los Angeles? Someplace civilized for God's sake. Kate grinned at Felicia's fervor, but she knew that she meant well. There was an even stronger bond between them now, ever since Tygue's birth. They had shared one of life's most precious moments.

Why Los Angeles, Licia? I have nothing there. It's just a city. Look, love, I have no family, no place to be, nothing I have to do. I have a little boy who will thrive here, and it's a good place for me to write. I'm happy here.

But you are planning to come up to the city from time to time, aren't you? There was a long pause, and Felicia was finally seeing it all. Aren't you? Her voice was soft and sad. She was sad for Kate, who was gone for good. This was no place for her, but by the time she realized it, it would be too late. Maybe not until the boy was grown and gone. You will come up to the city, won't you? She was pressing the point, but Kate's face was set when she looked up from Tygue's sleeping face at her breast She buttoned her blouse.

We'll see, Licia. I don't know.

But you don't plan to, is that it? Dammit How could she do that to herself?

All right I don't plan to. Does it make you feel better knowing that?

No, you ass, it makes me feel like shit. Kate, you can't do that to yourself, shut away down here in the weeds and the fields. That's nuts. You're beautiful, you're young. Don't do this!

I have nothing back there, Licia. Not anymore. No family, no memories I want to keep, nothing. Except you, and I'll see you here, when you can get away.

What about life and people? Theater, opera, ballet, modeling, parties? Jesus, Kate, look what you're throwing away!

I'm not throwing it away. I've walked out on it It'll all be there if I ever change my mind.

But you're twenty-three now. This is when you should be out there enjoying it all, taking advantage of everything life tosses at your feet

Kate smiled at the words and looked down at her son again, and then with a purposeful look she brought her eyes back to Felicia's. There was nothing left to be said. Felicia had lost.

Felicia closed her eyes for a moment and then stood up. I don't know what to say.

Just tell me you'll come to see us when you have time, and that you'll have a good time in Europe; Kate wore a firm little smile that didn't invite argument or discussion.

And what'll you do?

I am going to start work on a book.'

A book? Christ, it was like adolescence. Kate was throwing her whole damn life away, all because her husband had gone bananas and wound up in a sanatarium. But it wasn't her doing. Why did she have to bury herself alive because he was? The bracelets on Felicia's arm clanked as she nervously put her coffee cup in the sink. She wished she could talk sense into the girl, but she'd just have to give it another try when she got back from Europe. Something told her, though, that she would never win. Kate had changed a lot just in the few days since the baby was born. She seemed much surer of everything. And stubborn as hell.

Why does it surprise you so much that I want to write a book?

That just seems like such a funny thing to do. And awfully lonely, frankly.

We'll see. And I've got Tygue to keep me company now.

After a fashion. Felicia looked bleak. What'll you do with him when you go to see Tom?

I don't know yet. One of the nurses at the hospital thought she might know of a reliable sitter, an older woman who is wonderful with babies. Or I might take him with me. But it's really too long a trip, and ' well, I'm not sure. Tom wouldn't understand. It would be better leaving him home with a sitter.

The sitter sounds like a good idea.

Yes, mother.

Up yours, Mrs. Harper. You know, you're going to give me more gray hairs than the store does.

On you, it'll look marvelous.

Such remorse! But Felicia was smiling again. Just remember me in one of your books. Kate laughed at the thought, and put the baby in the elaborate blue and white basket Felicia had brought down. And in another month she would start to use the antique cradle his father had bought, but it was still a little too big. He would have been lost in it. Felicia walked over, and stood looking at him for a long time. Is it neat, Kate? There was infinite softness in her eyes.

It's better than I ever dreamed it would be. It's perfect. Until the four A.M. feeding. She grinned at Felicia. Then, I begin to wonder.

Don't. Just enjoy it. Felicia couldn't shake off the mood of seriousness that had fallen over her. She felt as though she were saying good-bye to Kate for good. But Kate had already seen that in her face.

Don't take it so hard, love.

I still think you're a fool to stay down here. But I'll be down the first weekend after I get back. And whenever I can after that. But they both knew it wouldn't be every weekend anymore. They had their lives to get on with. Things wouldn't be the same. There were tears swamping Felicia's eyes as she picked up her bag, and Kate looked sobered as she opened the door. They walked slowly to Felicia's little red car, and then silently Kate hugged her tight.