Authors: Raven Shadowhawk
‘I will.’
‘And don’t tell him about the munch, please.’
‘You prefer to let him think you’re cheating?’
‘I’ll talk to him later, on my own terms. Will you do that for me, my dear? Let me decide how and when to talk to him.’
‘Of course.’
‘Thank you. See you in a short while.’ He hung up.
For long moments Karen held the mobile, deciding what to say. In the end she gave up and scrolled through her numbers to find Dan’s.
He answered after two rings.
‘Where the hell are you? If you don’t turn up soon Cindy is going to turn my nuts into a pair of maracas.’
She laughed, even as tears trickled down her face. ‘I forgot I’d called her.’
‘Where are you?’
‘Coming home. I’ll be there soon.’
‘I’ll be waiting.’
‘Good. I love you.’
Dan hesitated. ‘I love you, too.’ Relief was clear in his voice. ‘Please let Cindy know you’re okay.’
‘I will.’ Smiling, Karen hung up, tucked the phone into her pocket and marched towards the nearest taxi rank.
Dan spent several minutes pacing the living room. Every headlight flashing across the windows made him twitch aside the curtains, scanning for Karen climbing from a cab. When she finally appeared at the end of the road, a little tension eased from his shoulders. It landed in his back and stomach, which clenched as he thought about the long and potentially painful conversation they were about to have.
But we have to.
He rushed to the door and threw it open. Karen paused at the end of the garden path, eyes wide. He trailed a finger along the door frame. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered.
She fussed with a lock of her hair. ‘Me too.’
‘Pete was a stupid idea. I know that now. I guess I knew it at the time, but I panicked. I can’t stand the thought of not giving you what you need.’
‘Even if what I need is another man?’ Her voice was low, gaze downcast. She shifted from fiddling with her hair to the buttons on her jacket.
He hesitated.
‘Let’s go inside.’
She walked into the house, patting his shoulder as she passed.
Dan shut the door.
In the living room, Karen peeled off her coat and toed off her shoes. She sat rigid, hands planted on her knees. Her left leg stuttered, heel drumming the floor. After a few taps she seemed to realise what she was doing. The taps stopped. She looked up, brown eyes wide and sincere. ‘I met Sith tonight.’
‘Black Angelus?’
She nodded.
Through a stab of anger, Dan spoke as softly as he could. ‘Right.’ Not enough. Not nearly enough for the whirlwind in his mind. He shoved it to one side.
Stay calm.
Buying time, Dan inched into the living room and sat on the end of the sofa. He ran his hands through his hair and scratched the trail of stubble across his neck and jaw. ‘You went out to meet him?’
‘I went to Cindy’s first. She wasn’t there.’
‘Helsinki.’
‘Ah.’ Karen rolled her eyes. ‘Of course; where else would she be on a Sunday night?’
‘You know her better than I do.’
A shrug. Then, ‘Sith took me there first, then realised I couldn’t get anywhere else.’
‘He has your number?’ More anger seeped through. With effort, Dan tamped it down.
‘After we fought, I talked to him on
Kink4Life.
We exchanged numbers.’ She gazed at him, calm and steady.
‘So, instead of coming home so we could talk, you went off with this guy?’
So much for staying calm.
‘To his house.’
He froze. ‘Kaz, I don’t get what you’re doing. Are you
trying
to make me angry? Or jealous? Because it’s really working. You met this guy
today
and then you went to his house?’
‘And let him touch me.’
He couldn’t see. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe passed the thick sensation of nausea crawling up his throat. Not anger. Not any more. No space for that. ‘What the hell?’
Karen’s rigid control broke. She threw herself to the ground so hard the impact rocked through her body and made her teeth knock together. It didn’t stop her. She crawled across the carpet until near enough to touch the tips of her fingers against his instep. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Karen, get up.’
‘No, I—I need you to know I’m sorry.’
He tugged his toes away from her fingers. ‘Fine. But don’t crawl around on the floor, we’re not doing that now. Talk to me.’ When she continued to avoid his gaze, he hauled her up himself. She flinched beneath his grip, then twisted away.
When she spoke, she spoke to his chest. ‘I let him touch me. I was so upset—I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted you and your strength and your control.’
‘Kaz.’
‘I was too angry! I didn’t want
you,
but I wanted what you
do
. You always make the hard stuff easier. You make me forget. I wanted that.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what you’re trying to say.’
‘I let him touch me like you do. I submitted.’ Her words dissolved into a trembling sigh. More tears cascaded down her cheeks and gathered on her chin before beginning their free fall. Then she stopped. Brushed her face. Looked him in the eye. ‘I wanted a master in that moment and it wasn’t you.’ She slid back to her knees and put her hands on her thighs, palm up. ‘But that wasn’t enough. I made him submit to me too.’
A giant fist reached inside Dan’s chest and clawed his heart out. He lurched forward, stunned at how breathless he felt. How weak. How sick.
Karen knelt at his feet, that submissive pose she used so well to mock him only a few hours ago.
What to do? What
could
he do? Shout? Scream? Walk out? So many options. So much pain. Chest-crunching, heart-wringing pain.
Dan sat on the armchair, his fingernails scoring deep grooves in the leather. Several attempts to moisten his lips finally left him able to speak. ‘Did you like it?’ The words cost him everything.
‘Yes.’ Her gazed locked on his and Dan realised then that she wasn’t crying. Her eyes were bright, yes, but tears no longer streaked her cheeks. Her mouth formed a thin line, the muscles of her jaw knotted and tight. ‘It felt wonderful, Dan. Everything I wanted right there and willing, but I couldn’t do it.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m
your sub
. I might be your girlfriend, but first I was your submissive. That means more to me than anything.’
‘And Black Angelus?’ He managed to speak the name with less venom than usual, even as his mind fed him the image of grabbing those thick dreadlocks and yanking them free of the roots.
‘He’s gorgeous and sexy and willing . . . and none of that matters. I can’t act on anything without permission.’
‘Whose?’
‘Yours.’ Before the word was fully free of her mouth she shook her head. ‘My master’s permission.’
Too much. None of it made sense. He rubbed his face with both hands. ‘Get up, Kaz. I can’t think with you down there.’
‘No.’
He glared at her. ‘Get up!’
‘No, Sir.’ Her gaze hardened. ‘I betrayed you and your trust. We need to deal with that first.’
Only then did he understand what was happening. The brutal honesty. The submissive postures and downcast eyes. He remembered such actions from the early days of their relationship, when love was a distant myth and they met twice a week to scratch their kinky itches. Pure D/s. Nothing else.
‘Karen,’ he began.
‘Sir, please,’ she bit her lip. ‘I know I shouldn’t ask, but please? Can we settle this first?’
He frowned. ‘But you’re more than a sub now. You’re not Hannah or Rebecca. I love you.’
Her lower lip wobbled. ‘Please?’
A heavy sigh flowed from his lips. He longed to resist, but her earlier words echoed in his mind, accusing him of hiding behind his master role when things got tough. Why should she be any different with her submissive role? But it was a gamble. A big one.
He sat straighter in the chair. ‘Fine. Is that what you want now?’
‘I—’ she hesitated. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Permission. That’s what you said you needed. Is that why you’re here?’
She flinched. A flicker of uncertainty entered her gaze.
‘Well?’ he snapped. Another flinch. Dan swept off the chair in one quick move, walking around so she could no longer see his face. More importantly, so he could no longer see hers. ‘What do you want, Karen?’
Her shoulders hunched. ‘I want you to make it better. I want you to believe I’m sorry. I want . . .’
He shook his head. She couldn’t see, but it didn’t matter. If that was what she really wanted he could do it.
Would
do it.
No more half measures.
‘Stand up.’
Scrabbling to meet the order, Karen rushed to her feet. When she faced him, he cut her off.
‘Go over there. Link your wrists above your head and rest them on the wall.’
A fraction of hesitation, then she obeyed, facing out. Hope brightened her features, not quite relief, but certainly not the unchecked misery of moments ago.
Again, Dan shook his head. No way could he do this if he could see her face. ‘Turn around.’
She stiffened, head to toe. Fighting with her natural instinct to fight him. The nerves of ‘every day Karen’ battled with the needs of ‘submissive Karen’. Fight shone in her eyes. The struggle tightened her jaw, made her chest heave.
He waited. It was all he could do.
When she finally turned to face the wall, Dan’s chest loosened. The fist squeezing his heart and lungs relinquished its hold and allowed him to breathe.
Maybe this
was
the right way. What they
both
needed to move on from this mess.
He approached, careful to make his footfalls heavy.
With each step, she stiffened further until he feared her body might crumble from the pressure. He touched her shoulder. Trailed his fingers across the back of her neck then down her spine.
‘As my girlfriend you’ve hurt me. As my sub . . . betrayal isn’t strong enough a word. You’ve disappointed me so much. We have rules.’ He had to stop. Moisten his lips again. ‘We have those rules for a reason. We agreed them together so no one would get hurt. You broke the rules and now I’m hurting.’
‘I’m sorry—’
‘No! No talking. You listen. It’s not that you let someone else touch you, though that kills me. It’s that you hid it. You didn’t wait for permission or follow any of the rules designed to keep us both safe.’
Karen sagged against the wall. She didn’t speak, but every tense muscle in her body gave away the truth. She was listening and she agreed.
‘I don’t want you to ask for anything.’ He gritted his teeth. ‘You’re mine. You want me to let another man touch you and that is a big deal. It’s not like the Slave Library. It doesn’t compare.
You
are
mine
.’ He smacked the flat of his palm against her arse. ‘Letting another man touch you is a big fucking deal.’ Another swat of her butt, this time using both hands to stroke her hips.
She relaxed. A tiny bit.
Not good.
When he spanked her again, he put all his weight behind it, slamming his palm against her arse so hard his fingers became numb.
She yelped, but said nothing.
Dan unfastened her jeans and pulled them down to her ankles. Her underwear, he pulled as far as her knees. Damp. Musky. Seeing it rekindled the rage, wafting the sparks with fans of jealousy.
‘Did he do this? Make you wet? Answer me!’
‘Yes.’
The knowledge that another man had been there gave him a physical ache. ‘How? What did he do?’
‘He . . .’ she whimpered.
‘Tell me.’
‘He told me what he would do if he were the master and there was another sub under me. He kissed my breasts.’
The whole time she spoke, Dan caressed her bare rear. Each time he thought rage might over come him, he smacked her cheeks. Her skin grew warm beneath his palm. ‘Is that all?’
‘No.’
Another smack. ‘Then keep going.’
‘I pulled his t-shirt over his face so he couldn’t see. I made him put his hands behind his head and wait. And I kissed his stomach.’
‘And?’ Smack.
‘I wanted to pull his trousers down. See his cock. I wanted to touch it. Lick it. Make him beg.’
‘Did you?’ Smack, smack.
‘No.’
Tears now. He saw them. Heard them. When they fell, they soaked into her blouse and left tiny damp patches in their wake.
He spanked her again. ‘Why not?’
‘I couldn’t. I needed you. It doesn’t matter if I want a sub or not, even if I get one, I can’t enjoy it knowing you’re unhappy. Or that you don’t know about it. I don’t want to hurt you.’
Dan stepped in until her bare rear pressed into his crotch. He thrust against her, making sure she could feel there was nothing straining through his trousers. His head was clear, his thoughts crystal.
‘I want to hurt you,’ he murmured in her ear. ‘I want to spank you until you’re crying, begging me to stop. I’m hurt, Kaz. And
so
angry. I want to spank you until your backside glows with the heat of it and you can’t sit down. And I’m frustrated as hell because I could never do that to you. I could never
actually
hurt you no matter what you do to me. Besides, no physical pain can match what’s going on in my head right now.’
She lowered her head to the wall. ‘Then try, Sir.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Do it. Punish me.’
Dan shoved back from her body so hard he stumbled. ‘No.’
‘Yes, Sir. Punish me. That gives us a clean slate.’
‘Don’t be silly. We don’t do that.’