Second Chance Ranch (20 page)

He reached over and linked his fingers with hers. “I’m glad. Gives me hope.”

“Hope for what?”

“That maybe there’s hope for second chances.”

She blushed. “You’re still the charmer.”

“I’m serious.”

“You get whatever you want. You don’t need to add me to your list.” Her gaze softened. “Zac, I know I’ve hit you with some pretty big issues over the past couple of weeks. Things I know you never expected to hear. Thank you for everything.”

He didn’t want her appreciation. He wanted her heart. “What happened to us, Jen? You were miserable over us leaving for different colleges, then I couldn’t get a hold of you no matter how hard I tried.” He shook his head and laughed. “I saw enough of your roommate to make folks think I was going out with her.”

“I’m sorry I missed you.” She looked down at the table, the corners of her mouth tight.

“Why didn’t you return my calls?”

Her fingertips pressed into his hand as she continued to stare down.

He swallowed to moisten his dry throat. Rubbing the side of her finger with his thumb, he tugged at her hand until she looked up. “I would’ve been there for you, you know. You didn’t have to go through the pregnancy by yourself. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Because,” she said as she blinked the tears from her eyes. “You had moved on.”

“What are you talking about?” Frustration over her evasiveness during the past week swelled in his chest. “I hadn’t moved anywhere other than from the Circle D to the dorm. I had classes up to my eyeballs. I didn’t have time to move anywhere.”

She tried to untangle her fingers from his, but he held firm. He wanted to know why she’d kept this from him and he was going to get it. “Jen, tell me.”

She sat there, her gaze riveted to the napkin in her other hand. Lips pressed together, she silently worked through her answer. Closing her eyes, her dark lashes fanned across her cheek as the muscles in her delicate jaw pulled and eased. Finally, she tilted her chin and opened her eyes, meeting his gaze square on. “I did come to tell you. A week after I found out I was pregnant. I drove to your dorm and asked to see you.”

“When? No one told me.”

“I can understand why.”

* * *

Jen tried to yank her hand free again, but Zac held firm. His brown gaze sharpened and all the stubbornness she’d ever known Zac to possess came to a head. He wasn’t going to let this drop. Muscles clenched until her stomach hurt. She knew she’d have to tell him sometime.

She just hadn’t thought that sometime would be tonight.

Swallowing, she forced her voice calm, her words slow. “When I realized I was pregnant, my brain sort of imploded. I’d made plans…you’d made plans…we were both finally out on our own and working on our futures.” Acid built up in her stomach, but she couldn’t stop. She had to tell him the truth whether he wanted to hear it or not. “A month into classes and I find out it wasn’t my cooking making me sick. You have no idea how I struggled trying to figure out a way to deal with this so no one hated me.”

“Hated you?” The pressure of his squeezing her fingers eased, but he continued to hold her. “I could never hate you. Why would you think that?”

Years of repressed insecurity shot to the apex of her brain. When her mother died, Jen’s world collapsed. She’d expected her dad to wrap her in a hug and assure her everything was alright, but instead, he avoided her and buried himself in work, staying away from the house as much as possible. She’d clung to Kade, but he had better things to do with Zac and Jess Eklund. When her dad had dropped them off at the Circle D, she’d felt abandoned and displaced. Grace Davidson had done her best to comfort the confused girl thrust into her care, but even Grace had little time to reassure her, to convince Jen that she’d never go away.

She’d been a burden to everyone.

The chatter of guests seated around them brought her back to the restaurant and Zac. He let go of her wrist and leaned across the table, his muscled arms and broad shoulders attesting to the man he’d become. A man who spent his days cutting hay for his best friend and his nights keeping books for the family business. And still making time to help her with problems way beyond her control. Gazing into the deep, dark brown eyes that expressed every emotion churning within him, Jen could almost believe he’d never hate her.

Almost.

“I’d tried calling your room the week before, but I never caught you or your roommate, and dorm phones didn’t have voice mail. So after classes on Friday, I drove up to your dorm hoping I could catch you. The lobby was crowded with kids clumped together in groups talking or playing pool. I asked the front desk to ring your room. The guy said he’d just seen you playing pinball.” She stopped, not certain how to proceed. Zac’s shoulders had tensed and she sensed he anticipated the next part. “I found the pinball machine…and you...”

His hand fisted. “And?”

“You weren’t alone, Zac.” The bitter taste of the words spread through her mouth. “And when you won the game and grabbed her and kissed her, I figured she wasn’t some casual observer.”

He sat silent as people walked past their table and flatware clanked on plates all around them.

“You’d moved on. This was what you’d always dreamed of…it was all you ever talked about. I wasn’t going to be burden.” Her throat constricted until she could barely breath.

“I’m not going to lie, Jen.” He unfisted his hands and locked his fingers together. “I went wild my first semester at Colorado State. I loved living in the dorm, meeting people…party-ing.”

Nodding her head, she refused to look at him. Zac had always attracted people and made friends easily. What girl in her right mind wouldn’t have wanted Zac Davidson’s attention?

“And, nearly flunked out.” His ragged breath made her look up. “I looked for focus, the problem was, I focused on everything that didn’t involve studying. When I came home for Christmas break, I couldn’t wait to see you, to find my footing again.”

She blinked. “To use me.”

“No, to tell you the grass wasn’t any greener on the other side of the mountain range. I needed you to ground me and you didn’t come home.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, unable to look at Zac. He’d needed her to help him find his way? Oh what a pair of mixed up teenagers they’d been. The last thing she’d wanted was the censure of the people she’d loved and respected…her father, the Davidsons…and Zac. That night, she ran from his dorm, and once home, she’d dropped to her knees and begged forgiveness from a loving God. For mercy and grace.

And a way to cope with her inconvenient pregnancy.

Memories of that Christmas came flooding back. She’d sought refuge with her roommate and her family. The love and acceptance poured over her by the large family had brought peace to Jen’s soul. That Christmas Eve, as they sat in the family pew listening to the story of the lowly birth of the King of Kings, Jen released her possessive hold on her unborn child and ask Jesus to give her child the life she deserved. Feeling Jesus in her heart kept her from going insane.

“Jen.” Zac’s ragged voice brought her back from her reverie. He ran his hand through his hair. “I can imagine how bad that looked, but it’s not what it looked like.”

She couldn’t make a sound. Her heart pounded so hard in her chest, she thought she was going to pass out.

“I’ll admit, I went wild that first semester. I’m not proud of it.” He held his palms open to her as if offering a sacrifice. “That’s all it took for you to lose faith in me?”

The bleak look on his face tore her apart. “It was November and I was a hormone milkshake trying to keep it together studying, worrying, and trying to cope with my changing body.”

“I stopped by your apartment in Denver a couple of times when I was in town. Your roommate didn’t say anything to me about your being pregnant.”

“I asked her not to.” She looked at him. “But the naked truth hit me in the face—I was eighteen years old and having a baby.”

White edged his lips as his jaw worked. “
We
were eighteen and having a baby.”

Her last vestige of pride broke loose at his plea. “Since you never told me you loved me, I figured I was one of the memories you took with you, a stepping stone, so to speak.” She drew a breath. “I know how much you valued your freedom.”

“I can’t believe this.” A choked laugh punctuated his incredulous tone. “You gave away our baby because you thought I’d resent it?”

She stopped a moment, the heat of their conversation stirring the air between them. She wanted to reach out and touch him, though touching him was the last thing she should do. “Zac, every child is a gift from God. A gift that deserves all the love and care she can get. At the time,
we
wouldn’t have been able to do that for her. But another family could.” She sniffed, drained of emotion, Jen couldn’t give any more. “You couldn’t get out of Hawk Ridge fast enough to start your new life.”

The muscles in his forearms worked as he fisted his hands. With obvious control, he pounded them together and leveled his dark eyes until she couldn’t have looked away if she wanted to. “I left Hawk Ridge because of you.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Her eyes grew wide as all color drained from her face. She moved her lips, but no words came out until she drew a breath through flared nostrils and folded her hands on the table. “You left because of
me
?
I
made you leave Hawk Ridge? I handed you my heart and soul, and…and…innocence, and you…you….”

With jerky movements, Jen pushed back her chair and rose from the table. Grabbing her purse, she dodged her way through the crowd.

Zac sat with his mouth open. That had definitely come out all wrong. Rising from his chair, he had to stop as the hostess showed a family to a table. He curved around the little boy dawdling behind the others and scoured the waiting area for Jen. Where had she gone? He swallowed the desire to cuss up a storm. The evening had started out so right, how had it gone so wrong?

Unwilling to stand guard over the ladies’ room door, Zac pushed through the massive oak doors into the cool evening air. The scent of grilling beef filled the air as more couples strolled the sidewalk to the entrance. Had she stayed inside? He prayed not. The thought of drilling back through the crowd and talking to Jen with people pressed all around hurt his brain. He skirted a couple of low bushes and crossed the lawn to the wrought-iron gate that enclosed the small patio. Soft laughter and talk filtered through the hedges camouflaging the gate and fences. He checked up and down the street. Cold fear built in his chest. What if she’d managed to lose him in such a short time? If Jen wanted to remain hidden, she knew how to do it. Twelve years ago, she’d disappeared from his life and he never caught a glimpse of her.

A movement down the street caught his eye. He’d recognize that sweater and slim-fitting jeans anywhere. Forcing himself to approach slowly, Zac kept his gaze trained on her as she leaned against the brick planter filled with late summer marigolds down at the end of the block. Emotions collided in his brain and crumbled to his heart as he watched her shoulders quiver. He wanted to turn and walk away, abandon her like she’d abandoned him. But even as the thought flitted in his mind, he shook it off. There were no right or wrong answers, only a past they couldn’t change.

He stepped closer and folded her within his embrace. Her arms slipped loosely around his waist as she buried her face in his chest and cried until her tears soaked through his shirt. He stroked her hair, his fingers tangling in the thick strands much like the evening they’d shared before he’d left for school twelve years earlier.

The night that changed their lives.

He ran his fingers through her hair until he cupped her scalp in his palm. “Shhh, Jen. You made the right decision. As much as my pride is shouting that I’ve been wronged, my conscience tells me I did you wrong. I’m sorry, Jen.”

As her crying grew still, she ran her finger along his leather belt until she hooked onto a belt loop. Holding her felt right, like she’d been made for him. Just like always.

Giving her a squeeze, Zac busted the last of his pride to dust. “Jen, I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I left because I knew if I didn’t leave soon, I never would. I had to see what I was made of.” He ran his hands down her shoulders and held her still. “You claim I never told you I loved you.” He kissed the top of her head. “Let me tell you now.”

Tracing the tip of his finger along her collarbone, he followed the soft skin and tilted her chin until her watery, blue eyes shone in the faint light of the street lamp. The pulse in her throat quickened. She was the only one for him, she’d always been. He lowered his head and claimed her soft lips. A low moan escaped her as she returned his kiss with a passion to match his own. Her eagerness for his touch messed with his equilibrium. They’d been made for each other.

Zac pulled back, his heart pounded in his chest. “Jen, I love you.”

She gazed up at him, the truth of her love in her eyes. “I never stopped loving you.”

His conscience nudged him to put some space between them, to push back emotions until they discussed the transplant, the adoption, and especially the ranch, but she felt so good in his arms and looked at him with such trust in her eyes, he decided to hold his cards close to his chest for a little longer before playing his hand. He’d just reclaimed what he thought lost to him so long ago. Uncertainty colored the days ahead and Zac wanted to bask in the reality of the present as long as he could.