Authors: Suzanne Miao
Why
had Liz even spoken to him? When Allegra had finally told her the whole sordid story and cried for hours as Liz stroked her hair, murmuring soothing sounds at her, Liz had sworn she’d never speak to the bastard again, not even to tell him if his head was on fire. And this was even before finding out Allegra was pregnant.
‘Yeah… I knew it was a risk. She was furious, and not just because it was 3am in New York when I rang her. Maybe it’ll be of some comfort to you to know that before she told me how to find you, she spent 20 minutes tearing me apart and telling me what a cunt I am. Not that she needed to, I knew that anyway,’ Jack said.
Allegra
looked at him, praying Liz had said nothing about the baby and then decided that as she had no answers, hopefully he would. ‘So why did you want to see me?’ She repeated the question carefully and was surprised to see that he was clearly nervous. He took a deep breath and led her to the edge of the balcony, behind the giant birdcage, where it was a little more private.
‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking while my mum’s been ill. Life-changing decisions and all that sort of thing. And then I read this quote, “a life lived in fear is a life half-lived”; it was up on the chalkboard at that coffee place just down the road… Anyway. I decided I wasn’t going to be scared anymore.’
If
he thought this explanation was helping to clear her confusion, he was seriously delusional. Allegra stared at him blankly.
‘Scared of what?’ she finally asked.
‘Scared of changing things. Scared of telling the people I love that I love them. Scared of letting go of things in my life which were familiar and comforting and which were there because other people said they were good for me.’
‘Jack, you’re not making any sense at all. I mean, it’s great that you’re doing all this life-changing thinking stuff, but what has it got to do with me?’
Allegra
kicked herself at the way that had sounded: “Me me me, what has this got to do with me? I’m not interested unless it has something to do with me, so what is it?” It wasn’t meant to come out like that, but she no longer felt capable of coherent thought or speech.
‘Abi and I have broken up. We struggled along for a while after… you know, after that day when you and I… Look, I’m really sorry I never called you or tried to reach you after that, but I really believed I had to try to make things work between me and her, especially after what I did to her.’
Allegra
stared at him, feeling bile rising in her throat. ‘After what you did to her? And what about what you did to me, Jack? Don’t you think I deserved some sort of explanation? Some sort of reassurance? You led me on, you played me for a fool. I was ready from the start to accept that things were never going to go anywhere between you and me as long as you were with Abi,’ she said.
‘But
you said one thing and did another. You came to me constantly, you flirted with me, you were the one who made all the moves. Then you seduced me, you led me into bed … I know I was a willing participant but… how could you do that to me, Jack? Do you have any idea what I went through after what happened?’
‘I know all that, and I know I’ve treated you like shit since that fucking awful day,’ Jack said, averting his gaze, ashamed to look at her directly. ‘But every single day, I’ve thought about you endlessly, tormented by what happened, how you were, whether you were coping or not… I was desperate to talk to you, or at least talk to someone who could tell me you were okay. I wanted to call Liz every single day, I wanted to call you every single day… but I couldn’t, not while I was doing everything I thought was right to fix things with Abi. It’s taken me this long to realise how blind I was, that all the choices I made that day were the wrong ones. All I can say is how sorry I am for what I did to you and pray that you believe me.’
Allegra
could feel herself start to tremble with all the suppressed rage and hurt she had bottled up for the last four months. Is this why he had come here? To ask forgiveness? So that he could absolve himself of responsibility for breaking her heart and making her feel like dirt?
‘You hurt me, Jack, you hurt me really badly,’ she whispered. ‘I hope you will never have to know the pain that I have felt every second of every day since that evening. One phone call, Jack, just one phone call. You owed me that much. Now, you turning up here months later, on your own terms, because it finally suits you… this doesn’t even begin to cut it with me.’
Unable
to go on, Allegra started to walk away when she heard him call out, ‘Stop… Please, just let me finish.’ She turned back to tell him to go fuck himself and was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
‘I
know what I did was unforgivable, Allegra, but I had to at least come to tell you in person that I know that, and to ask you to try to find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me. And I’m laying my soul bare before you now; it might not make any difference to you but I want you to know it from me. You see, with Abi, I eventually realised I was just hanging onto that relationship out of guilt and feeling that I had to make things up to her, and it turns out that I was the only one hanging on. Anyway, the point is, I finally made the break. I’m on my own now.’
‘I thought you were getting married,’ Allegra said, shaking her head, backing away from him. ‘On March 24, that’s what I was told. I heard you got engaged. I heard you announced it at the stroke of midnight at your new year’s eve party. Your third anniversary together. Clive was there. He told me.’
‘Ah, yes, the “engagement”,’ Jack said, slowly.
What
a night that had been. He and Abi had invited a bunch of their friends over to his place, and he’d decided to allow himself a few forbidden substances, a “treat” to celebrate making it that far. ‘I plead temporary insanity. A terrible combination of too much smoke, a bad pill, a desperate desire to hold onto something which wasn’t worth holding on to, because I needed to do something to try to forget about you. Well, you heard right… but what you obviously didn’t hear was that the “engagement” lasted all of about seventeen minutes. I passed out as soon as I made the announcement.
‘When
the last guest had left and my head cleared, I regained consciousness long enough to notice that Abi moved all her stuff out that night. My little stunt was apparently the last straw for her. Didn’t even leave me the dregs at the bottom of the shampoo bottle.’
Allegra
was silent. Clive, who had gone to the party against his better judgment and had tried to get out of it, had quietly walked out as soon as Jack made his stunning announcement. That was why he only had half the story. But Allegra still couldn’t see where any of this was going, what it had to do with her, why Jack had suddenly decided after weeks of silence to doorstep her and tell her his life story, here, now, in the freezing cold rain.
‘So…
now what?’ she asked, exhausted from the fight; thinking, well, at least there can be some resolution and closure now. She could start to put Jack properly in her past and maybe get on with her life.
‘Shut up and let me finish.’ He smiled uncertainly as he said it, but there it was at last, that hint of the old Jack again. ‘When Abi left me, it was a bit of a shock, but it was probably the best thing she’s done for me in… well, a long time. She knew way before I did that things were over between us, probably even before I met you, but I refused to see it. Then you came along and… I guess it wasn’t hard for her to figure out that the reason I started clinging on to her even more was that I had fallen in love with you and I was scared.’
Allegra
wasn’t sure Jack was speaking in a language she understood. Oh, she knew what the individual words meant, but when he strung them all together, he might as well have been spouting Klingon at her. She started to speak, but Jack placed his hand firmly over her mouth.
‘Look,
the long and short of it is that I’ve wanted you since the day I met you, I still want you, and if you’ll have me, I’m yours,’ he said, his voice shaking. ‘I know I fucked up majorly and I’m still a bit of a fuck-up at the moment, but I’m sorting myself out. I haven’t smoked or done pills or anything else since I woke up on new year’s day and found my life in ruins. My new job has been going well… Really, really well. I can look after you, I can take care of you, I want to be with you, I want you with me, and pretty soon, I’ll have enough money to buy my submarine.’
Stunned
as she was, Allegra laughed. The submarine. He’d joked about getting one ever since he saw an old, decommissioned Russian military sub up for auction on eBay. What a loon. And as she was laughing, what he was saying sank in and suddenly, horrifyingly, she burst into tears.
‘If this is your idea of an April fool’s joke, you’re too early and it’s not bloody funny,’ she managed to blurt out between sobs.
‘I’m not joking, not even about the submarine. I mean, I’m not actually going to get one, well, maybe, ’cos I have almost enough money to… Allegra, listen to me — I love you, I love you, I love you. I needed to say it to you because I’ve been feeling it for months and couldn’t say it because I was too scared to take a chance. But I’m taking that chance now, and it’s because I have to finally know if maybe you love me, even just a little… if you’d be willing to take a chance with me.’
Allegra’s
tears were flooding uncontrollably now; she was laughing and crying, thinking maybe she’d gone mad at last, maybe all those scrambled-egg-and-bacon breakfasts had finally done her brain in. She groped around in her handbag for a tissue (free-flowing snot was so unattractive in any circumstance), wiped her eyes and blew her nose. Jack watched her, then gently wiped away the tears which still clung to her cheeks with his hands.
‘Oh Jack… I don’t know. After all that’s happened between us, I don’t know if I can trust what you’re saying,’ she said. ‘And I keep thinking about our age difference… You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you; I know that sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. I don’t want you to wake up one morning five years from now, look at me and think, “bloody hell, who is this haggard old cow?” I’d really rather avoid that.’
Jack
paused before he answered, taking her by the shoulders and looking her square in the eyes. ‘I know all that, and look, I fell in love with you before I knew anything about you. The first time we met, all I saw was this incredible, beautiful woman who was, yes, older than me. She was sexy, she was funny, she was smart, she was confident… Nothing else mattered.’
Allegra
closed her eyes. She’d have to tell him. There was no getting out of it. Not if he was remotely serious about anything he’d just said to her. ‘Jack… there’s something else,’ she said, slowly, forcing herself to look at him. She took his hand and placed it on her belly, watching the confusion cross his face.
‘You… you’re… Is this what I think it is? … Is it… mine?’ he asked, his voice shaking.
Allegra
simply nodded. She couldn’t bring herself to speak. Liz had been lucky with Luke. She was right when she said most blokes wouldn’t stick around, not for a girl they’d only known for a few months. With her and Jack… well. They hadn’t even been dating; at least Liz and Luke had, they’d had some kind of relationship to shore them up. All Allegra had had with Jack was one wonderful encounter which had turned viciously ugly, had completely blown up in their faces.
As
Jack stood there, his hand still on her stomach, trembling in shock, Allegra thought how odd it was that even when you believed your heart was completely broken, that you couldn’t possibly feel any more hurt or pain, it turns out that you could. She slowly backed away from Jack, gently removing his hand from her belly. She blinked back her tears, smiled brightly at him.
‘It’s okay. Don’t worry. I understand,’ she said, her voice hollow with pain. ‘And thanks for coming to apologise in person… it means a lot to me. So… goodbye, I guess.’ She began walking away, then turned back to look at him one last time. ‘I’ll never forget you, Jack.’
She
stumbled down the stairs to Wyndham Street, clutching her belly, stroking her baby, telling it never mind, I have enough love for a hundred people just for you, you’ll have me and Bella and Daisy and we’ll be okay, we’re always okay in the end. She’d just reached the last step when she heard a commotion on the escalator going up to dragon-i; people shouting and swearing. She looked up and saw Jack, bounding the wrong way down the escalator, pushing people aside. He landed with a thump on the pavement and stood in front of her, panting.
‘I
fell in love with you from the first second I saw you. Nothing can or will ever change that. All that matters is that I love you, Miss-Allegra-who’s-15-years-older-than-me-and-has-two-children. And who is now carrying my baby. Oh my God, I’m going to be a daddy! That is just the most amazing, fucking incredible, wicked news ever! It’s your baby and my baby… I love you so much Allegra, I swear to God. I don’t know how to prove it to you, I have nothing to offer you but my heart and my soul… Please, put me out of my misery and tell me if you love me too, or if I should just go find a rock to hide under for the rest of my life.’
Allegra
looked up at him, wondering if she could dare to believe it was true, that he was really here, that he did really love her; suddenly, bizarrely glad for large Belgian men who refused to get out of the way in elevators to allow you get off where you wanted to, and for boys with beautiful grey eyes who grinned like wide-mouthed tree-frogs, who leapt suicidally the wrong way down escalators to tell you they loved you.