Second Helpings (28 page)

Moe nodded vigorously. He sure did.

Where is he?

Well Gladdie said, scratching her head, or rather, the beret on her head. Only then did I notice that it was orange and her pantsuit was green. I glanced at her walker. Purple ribbons. Not even close to her trademark color coordination. I briefly wondered how long this had been going on.

Hes downstairs, she said, breaking out into a full-dentured smile. In the library.

Thank you.

Oh, no, J.D., she said. Thank you . Now get on with you!

I went downstairs, and sure enough, Marcus was in the library, reading to a small group of old biddies. He looked up at me when I entered the dark, woody room. He never stopped the narration, but a fireplace crackled and illuminated the surprise on his face. I sat down in a leather armchair and listened.

As the brawny stable boy approached the Countess, she felt a quickening in her loins. Stephanos urgent, turgid love could not wait a moment longer

Ack! Paperback soft porn!

They tumbled onto the hay, clawing at each others garments and grunting like animals

Marcus was certainly giving them their geriatric jollies. As for me, well, Ive got a boyfriend who wont give up the goods. At this point, I get damp from reading the back of a box of Capn Crunch. Almost.

Anyway, when the chapter was finished, he shut the book. To be continued, he said with a sly grin. The old biddies groaned in protest.

Sorry, ladies, he said, pointing in my direction. I have to talk to a friend.

The gray and white and, in one case, blue, heads turned to look at me, the competition. They were not impressed. As they shuffled out, I heard them tut-tutting about my jeans and my Chucks and my utter lack of regard for personal grooming.

Would it do her any harm to set her hair before she leaves the house?

Or apply a touch of cheek rouge?

Honestly. These girls today dont know how to present themselves.

They were almost as bad as my own mother. Almost.

Hey, I said. Nice reading.

I do my best with the material thats given, he replied, and sat down on the hearth opposite my chair. Im surprised to see you here.

Yeah, uh. Well, I just wanted to tha

Look, you dont have to thank me, he cut me off. Lens my friend and I want to see you guys happy together. I said what I had to say.

Well, I appreciate it.

Dont worry about anyone finding out about what really happened, the drug stuff and everything else, he said, being mercifully vague. No one would ever believe it. Just like no one would ever believe Taryn if she told everyone you were the one who pissed in the cup, not her.

An instantaneous full-body clench undid all the good that Ive achieved through three months of yoga. What do you mean? Does she know the truth? Has she asked you to tell her?

Not exactly, he said. Its just

What?

She approached me one day in study hall, and it was the first time we had ever talked. Im looking at her and she seems so innocuous and harmless, and I just cant help but sort of feel sorry for her.

Right, I said.

I think she wanted to look sad and pathetic so Id let my guard down. Maybe I would apologize for what happened to her. Maybe I would explain what happened. The truth.

But you didnt?

Of course not. I promised I wouldnt narc on you and I never renege on a promise. Besides, as I said, no one would ever believe that you would do anything so baaaad . He mocked the last word, of course.

I just hope hes right. But when has Marcus been wrong about anything?

Except me.

the nineteenth

A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY SONG

(sung to the melody of the traditional birthday song)

Happy Birthday to me, 1 just turned eighteen, Im a virgin no more, Thanks to Len Levy.

Gotcha! Im kidding. I am totally still a virgin. I asked Len for a double devirginization and he gave me a triple set of DVDs instead.

Not that I dont appreciate his present. He put together a little John Cusack box set. The combination of obvious (Say Anything) and not-so-obvious (The Sure Thing) and not-obvious-at-all (Hot Pursuit) selections made the overall gift perfect. Just perfect. I am so relieved that his birthday was in August, before I was his girlfriend, because the pressure to live up to his excellent gift-giving is just too much for me to bear.

Still, I did think that maybe I had a shot at having sex with him tonight, which is sick. How did I become the sort of girl who dreams about losing her virginity on landmark days like New Years Eve and her birthday? I dont know how I became the sort of girl who obsesses about losing her virginity at all. I guess this is what I get for deciding to date the only eighteen-year-old boy on the planet who is saving himself for marriage.

The thing is, its not just about losing my virginity. If it was just about losing my virginity, I would stop denying what we have and jump on Scotty. Thats about as sexy as earwax.

So its not just about sex. Its about sex that means something.

This is probably where Im going wrong. I mean, it doesnt seem to mean anything to Manda, Sara, or Call Me Chantalle. What makes me think it will be any different for me?

Anyway, sex was a nonissue tonight since we watched the movies at his house and his mom treated me like a drug-addled skank despite my carefully chosen Gap khakis and Ralph Lauren turtleneck. Could you get more All-American than that?

Hi, Mrs. Levy! I gushed as wholesomely and overachievingly as I could. To help my cause, I had actually applied make-up to fake the face of apple-cheeked, bright-eyed innocence. It didnt work.

Oh, its you .

Its. Um. Jesss birthday today.

Im eighteen, I chirped. I cocked my head to the side, hoping that my bob would bounce with freshly-shampooed purity.

You better watch yourself, then, she said coolly. Now you can be tried as an adult for your crimes. Heh-heh-heh.

Len said she was just joking, but I knew better. She wasnt joking then, or on the phone, or ever. She ends all her sentences with eerie, cheerless laughter, especially when she is completely unamused.

She made me feel humiliated, horrified, and totally unhorny. Its no wonder Len and I barely touched each other tonight. I didnt even get turned on during Say Anything in the scene where John and lone are devirginizing each other in the car and theyre shivering and in love.

Len had never seen Say Anything before, which I simply couldnt believe. Not even the edited TNT version. When it was over, I asked him what he thought.

Urn. It was okay.

Okay? Just okay?

Kind of. Um. Unrealistic, dont you think?

How so?

They barely knew each other. And they call that love?

I chalked his comment up to his logicians mind-set and left it at that.

Later that night, when I was on the floor in my room, twisting myself into my nighttime asanas, I started to think deeply about Len.

He got the second best SAT scores in our class. He wants to go to Cornell because thats where his dad went. He wants to be a cardiac surgeon because thats what his dad was. Thats all I know about his dead dad because thats all Len will say about him. He gets along well with his brother, who is a miniature version of Len, which means hes a mini-mini version of their dead dad. He has an unnaturally close relationship with his psycho mother, who hates my skanky drug-addled guts. He had a debilitating stutter as a kid, and speech therapy taught him to blather or splutter but not how to do anything in between. He doesnt know hes hot because he still sees purple cysts on his face when there arent any there. He likes to play guitar and can write music but not lyrics. He likes Nirvana and Pearl Jam and respects both bands for not selling out, but does not respect Kurt Cobain for committing suicide. He hates Episode One but loves the original Star Wars trilogy. His favorite author is J. R. R. Tolkein. He believes in obeying laws and following etiquette. He hates anything that cant be explained, and didnt see the irony of fronting a band named Chaos Called Creation until I pointed it out to him. He does not appreciate irony or sarcasm. He likes me because I am smart and driven and want to do something with my life. He tells me Im funny, but Ive never once heard him laugh at anything Ive said. His best friend is Marcus Flutie.

This isnt much. Ive been dating Len for three months and I barely know him. But unlike John and lone, its not love. Not even close.

the twenty-fifth

You know what Im thinking about a lot lately?

S-E-X.

Part of the problem is that I have to think about it in order to pass that damn Health and Human Sexuality class.

Todays topic: The Bush Administrations Abstinence-Only Initiative.

There is a movement in Washington to provide funding only for programs that promote abstinence until marriage, Brandi said.

So that means no condoms in schools, Manda said.

Right! gushed Brandi. No condoms or any other information about alternative methods of birth control. The message? Sex outside of a monogamous marriage is hazardous to your health.

Sarcastic Yeah, rights came forth from the Upper Crust zone inhabited by Scotty and his meatballer buddies.

So how do you all feel about this?

To my utter mortification, my boyfriend raised his hand.

Yes, Len?

He cleared his throat.

Oh, Christ.

Young people need to learn how to make the right choice between self-restraint and self-destruction. Abstinence-only programming is the only form of sex education that makes sense. Abstaining until marriage is the surest way, and the only effective way, to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases

Sucks for you, Jess, Scotty said with a snicker.

Everyone laughed. Har-dee-har-hard-on.

Then Manda raised her hand and said, I agree with Len.

Scotty rolled his eyes and made a harrumphing noise of annoyance.

Its not just a moral issue, its a matter of public health.

This coming from a girl whose moral compass is in the form of two erect nipples pointing toward the nearest penis. I burst out with a spitty, bullshitty snort that caught Brandis attention.

Jessica, would you like to contribute to this discussion?

Uh ALL EYES ON THE VIRGIN AS SHE GIVES HER VIEWS ON A SUBJECT SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT! It seems that the abstinence-only people are kidding themselves.

How so? Brandi asked.

Well, for one, people are waiting longer to get married. Its very unrealistic for the government to think that were going to wait until were thirty to have sex.

Though not very unrealistic for me because I am going to die a virgin, but thats besides the point.

Secondly, hormones are very powerful things. Teenagers are going to have sex. Without some kind of formal sex education, were going to turn to less reliable sources for information, like the Internet. Or friends. To me, it makes the most sense to give us the most comprehensive information available, so we have the power to make informed, intelligent decisions.

There was a moment of silence. Then the entire classwith the exception of Len and Mandaburst out into applause. It would have made a killer editorial. Oh, well. I was so awed by the appreciation of my classmates that I didnt notice that Marcus raised his hand.

Yes, Marcus?

Oh, Christ.

Jessica is right about the hormones, he said. But shes wrong about everything else. I cant speak for the females, but the typical teenage males sex drive is so powerful, it has the ability to override the best sex ed. class. If a guy is in an intense situation with a girl, and hes aroused butoops!doesnt have a condom handy, hell still try to find a way to get off, even though he knows hes not supposed to.

Scotty and P.J. nodded their heads in agreement.

Ignorance isnt the problem, he said. Some very smart, informed people make some really stupid decisions about sex.

You should know, Krispy, said Sara, who was immediately high-fived by Scotty.

Youre absolutely right, he replied, looking her right in the eye. I do know.

Even though the bell rang, the discussion wasnt over for Len.

So. Um. Do you really think Im kidding myself?

I didnt mean it that way, I said. I just

Then Len walked away without bothering to hear my explanation.

Hes really narrow-minded about his beliefs, said Marcus, who had overheard the exchange. Youre either with him or against him.

I know.

Thats how I knew he really liked you, he said. When he forgave you for New Years.

Yeah, I know. Marcus?

Yes?

I wanted to ask him if he regrets his stupidity.

Nothing, I said instead. Forget it.

Dont worry, Marcus said with a small, sympathetic smile. Len will let it go.