“Pride comes before the fall, Mrs. Underwood. Buying this house was a mistake, nothing more. No one can fault you for wanting to buy this place. It's magnificent. But I'm sure you can find a smaller house that will also capture your heart if you look hard enough.”
“I want to thank you for your advice.”
“No problem. Sometimes sisters need to look out for one another.”
“I also want to apologize for my husband and his attitude.”
“That's all right. Men can be like that sometimes. Can I ask another question?”
“Sure.”
“How did the two of you end up together?”
It was another one of those situations that to Korie didn't quite compute. Mr. Underwood was a sloppily shaped man with a poor disposition. At first glance he seemed to have few redeeming qualities.
Mrs. Underwood, however, looked like Jill Scott. She had kind eyes, a great smile, and she looked like back in the day she was quite the catch. That is, before life happened. Although her husband seemed like an abrasive man, Mrs. Underwood smiled when she spoke about him. She smiled as she reflected about their life; their love.
She went on to tell Korie how Mr. Underwood was the star running back at Harper High School back in the day, and how she was the head cheerleader. After high school she went to college for maybe a year. Then she became pregnant, and then she lost the baby. Back then they had seen many hard times.
He went on to work at Henderson Steel. He made good money for years, and then the economy began to decline. With that decline came layoffs. Since then, Mr. Underwood had worked temporary jobs, janitorial jobs, and anything that he could do with his hands. He was seldom without work, but it seemed that each time that he got settled somewhere, the company out-sourced the labor. Life for the Underwoods always seemed to be uphill.
Mrs. Underwood loved her husband unconditionally. She too had trouble finding permanent work. Since high school she had been temping for the same company. She brought in decent money as an administrative assistant, but like forty-six percent of Americans she had no health insurance and few employment benefits.
For years Mr. and Mrs. Underwood struggled. Neither had ever been out of Chicago in their life. They had never taken a vacation together. Like many other couples they had their problems, but they never took life out on one another. They never went to bed angry, no matter what they were up against. They loved each other and they always had one another's back.
She explained that her husband could be an ass at times. She knew that he wasn't without his faults. She also knew his heart and knew that the love he had for her had no bounds.
When he hit the lottery, the first thing he did was find out how much they were getting after taxes. He then split that fifty-fifty, no questions asked. Mrs. Underwood was more that his wife; she was his partner and without her, Mr. Underwood confessed he was nothing.
Mr. Underwood felt like less than a man all those years that they struggled. He was a man who was tired of just getting by.
Mrs. Underwood explained that the day they won the lottery, it was a great day for her husband. It was if he won more than the money that day. It was as if he won his manhood back. When they were younger, he always promised that he would buy her the biggest house in the world. When he closed on this house, he felt as if he fulfilled that promise; as if he redeemed himself.
“So you see, Ms. Dillon, losing this house is not only a loss because it's so beautiful, but I don't know if my husband's pride can handle a blow like that.”
“I hear you, Mrs. Underwood, butâ”
“Please, call me Shaniqua.”
“Well, Shaniqua, if he loves you, he will get your family out of this house. As long as you stay by his side, I'm sure he'll be okay. He may be hurt, but eventually he'll get over it. You all need to talk. I'm sure Jayna will be able to point you in the right direction.”
Just then, Jayna got off the phone, all smiles. She headed toward the two women with a look of determination.
“Mrs. Underwood, I'd like to sit down and have another talk with your husband.” Jayna walked pass Mrs. Underwood and headed back in the direction of the house as if she were about to do battle with Mr. Underwood.
“I don't know if he'll listen to you.” Mrs. Underwood spoke in Jayna's direction as she headed up the walkway.
“Oh, he'll listen. I think I might have already found a buyer for your home.”
Jayna stopped at the entrance to the house. She looked back at Mrs. Underwood and ushered her back toward the house.
Korie looked at her watch and then headed back to her car.
“Korie are you coming?” Jayna yelled.
“I can't. I need to be heading to my next appointment.” Korie chirped the alarm on her car. “It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Underwood.”
Mrs. Underwood walked back to Korie and gave her a hug.
“Thank you, sister.”
Korie was all smiles.
“No problem, sis, we each need to look out for one another from time to time. Listen to my girlfriend. She will take good care of you and get you going in the right direction.”
“Thank you again.”
“No problem.” Korie hurried down the path and opened her car door. “Jayna, I'll call you later.”
“Okay,” Jayna responded. She and Mrs. Underwood headed back into the house.
Korie jumped in her car and headed east to her next appointment.
She drove on the expressway. While in the car she was listening to old school love songs. As the songs played, Korie thought about the Underwoods. She thought about everything that they went through. She then thought about the fact that no matter what happened they stayed together; to this day they remained in love. She thought that was touching. She thought it was romantic. Then she heard his words in her head.
There is nothing romantic about being broke.
As she drove, she wondered was he right. She wondered what he would say about the Underwoods. She wondered what he was doing right now.
Lord, why can't I get this man out of my head? Why can't I get him out of my heart?
Chapter Seven
Korie's next appointment was forty-five minutes away. She had already driven twenty minutes and her every thought was of him. She turned on the radio and “On Bended Knee” by Boys II Men was playing. Every song after that seemed like it was a wedding song. Korie turned the music up, and before she knew it, tears began to stream down her face.
Apparently the songs touched her and opened up a door that she thought was forever closed. She thought about him. She thought about his touch, his voice, his smile, and his very scent. She could almost smell his chrome cologne. She thought about the last time they made love, the first time they made love, and the first time that they kissed. She knew in her heart of hearts that he was the one. She simply couldn't understand why he didn't see it. She couldn't understand why they weren't together.
They should be on at least their third wedding anniversary by now. She should have had his first child by now. Instead she was working hard on her career and he was God knows where, working on his.
Korie loved him. Jayna hated him. Korie thought he was the greatest man alive and Jayna thought he was the son of the devil himself. Let Jayna tell it, he was one uppity, arrogant sonofabitch.
All Korie knew was she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him from the very first day that they met. She wanted to live with her man. She wanted to be married, and she wanted a bunch of his babies. He didn't want any of that, at least not when she wanted it. The last thing in the world he ever wanted in life was to struggle. He made that perfectly clear.
Korie didn't fear struggle. She didn't mind it at all. Like Mrs. Underwood, as long as she had the love of her man, that was enough for her.
Something he used to say was, “Love isn't enough; it may be poetic, but it's not enough, it's never enough.”
“Bullshit!” Korie said aloud as she switched lanes and thought about those words. She was just as upset remembering them as she was when he first spoke them to her.
What was so wrong with struggling? This is what Korie asked herself at least a million times. She struggled, her parents struggled, and their parents struggled. Hell, struggle was part of African American culture as far as she was concerned. Even his parents struggled. So why couldn't they? Why couldn't they be a couple?
In spite of what he said, she thought there was something romantic about the struggle of a young couple. She thought it spoke volumes for a couple to work through something together. She thought it strengthened black love to face adversity together.
Korie didn't care if she had a career or a job. She didn't want a big house; she did want a house. She didn't have to have a fancy car; but she did want a car. As long as the bills were paid and she was in love, as far as she was concerned, life was okay.
When they were together, she would always plan grand vacations for them. He would always cancel. She was the one who was considered the dreamer and he was the one who kept them grounded. When they were together they were getting by okay financially. The only thing was he never wanted to just be getting by.
She would often find new things for them to do. Many timesânot allâthe answer was no. She longed for three-day vacations in Vegas. For a while they went; they went twice a year. Then the trips stopped. He had to work. He was always working.
She knew the relationship was in trouble when he one day paid for her to go to Vegas . . . with Jayna.
He was always too busy. Always working, always planning, and always chasing that next dollar. Sending her to Vegas with her best friend was the last straw.
There were times when she thought he was cheating; times when she was sure there was someone else. From time to time, like most black women, she started to pay close attention. She started to check up on him. She searched hard for evidence of another woman.
There was none.
He was cheating on her; but not with a woman; No, not with a man; he was cheating on her with the pursuit of his career.
He promised her a big house, just as Mr. Underwood promised his wife. He promised that they would see the world one day. That day never came. She tried telling him over and over again that she didn't share his fascination with things. She tried to explain to him countless times that all she ever wanted in life was him. That simply wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a lifestyle that she thought was unrealistic.
She went to Vegas. She went with Jayna and she had a good time. But there wasn't a day that she was there that she didn't want him beside her. When he told her that he was going to begin interning on top of working a full-time job, Korie became incensed.
Korie was a patient woman. Some might say that she was the perfect woman. Her patience, however, was running out. She loved her man. The good times were really good. The bad times? The bad times were really bad. Their biggest argument was not over money, not over another woman, and not over anything petty. Their biggest fights were about the use of his time. She said she didn't get enough, and he explained that she monopolized all the free time he had. There just never seemed to be enough hours in the day for her. She never had his full attention.
He told her that she didn't understand things. He explained to her if she were to return to school she might see things his way. He already had his bachelor's degree. She was upset when he pursued a master's.
She only had a year of college under her belt. She discovered quickly that college just wasn't for her. He used to tell her that a degree would open up doors that were forever closed to the average man. She explained to him that hard work and prayer can open any door.
It was a point that they both had to agree to disagree on. His argument was the degree made all the difference in the world. Her point was there were a lot of degreed people out there with book sense and no common sense.
She had since changed her mind.
She had changed her mind now that she ran her own business. There were some things that she saw now that she didn't see then. She understood many of the things that he meant when they would argue about money or time. She understood the drive that came with pursuing one's dreams; she now understood his passion. What she didn't understand is why they couldn't do these things together. She didn't understand why it had to be a five-year-plan as opposed to a ten or twelve-year plan, as long as they were together.
Back then sewing was her side hustle. Sewing was her hobby; that and helping her girlfriends decorate and rearrange their houses. She had a skill for both and made money on the side helping people from the church or friends of friends.
There was a time when she loved prom season because of all the extra money that she would bring in. It was when she was making dresses for young high school girls that he would try to persuade her to go back to school or at the very least take a few business classes so she could hone her skills or perhaps open up her own business, either sewing or decorating.
He saw the talent she had. He saw the potential. The thing was she saw what she did as a hobby or a side hustle. He saw it as an opportunity.
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When Korie was younger she had two dreams: Being a seamstress and decorating homes. They were dreams that he always encouraged her to pursue. He even went as far as putting a marketing plan together for her in his spare time.
That upset her as well because that spare time could have been her time.
When they were together they ate at all the finest restaurants in Chicago. They stayed at Chicago's finest hotels for weekend getaways. They had a good time in the Windy City, and as previously mentioned, the good times were really good.
Korie wanted more.
She wanted more of his time.
It was time he refused to give her.
They argued a lot. He would always tell her that he had a five-year plan and she needed to simply be patient. She hated the five-year plan. She hated hearing those words. When their sex life began to decline, she took drastic measures to slow him down. Taking time away from her was one thing. Not making time to make love to her was something altogether different. You make time for that. If nothing else, no man should neglect a woman in the bedroom.
There were times that he would work, go to school, and do the internship. He would come home dead tired . . . exhausted.
Korie thought to herself, not my problem.
She didn't tell him to go back to school.
She didn't tell him to work these insane hours.
They were doing fine. They were getting by. She felt he needed to make her his priority.
He explained that he was exhausted. It was an excuse she heard way too many times. He explained that he was working hard today to make a better tomorrow for them both. She explained that if he didn't make the time, her time would belong to someone else. Tomorrow would come, but the question was always if she would still be there. She didn't care that he was tired. She didn't care how his day went. She wanted quality time with her man. She wanted to be desired. She wanted happily-ever-after, and she didn't want to wait an eternity for happily-ever-after to come. She needed to give him a moment of pause. She needed to shift his focus to more important things, things that couldn't be so casually dismissed.
She became pregnant.
She became pregnant on purpose.
She stopped taking her pills.
He never stopped using condoms.
She sometimes put pin-size holes in the condoms.
Still, she never became pregnant.
Either the condoms held, or he was shooting blanks.
She then lubed herself one day with baby oil before making love to him.
She knew that baby oil practically destroyed condoms.
One day the condom broke.
Six weeks later she was pregnant.
Pregnancy put a smile on her face.
It put a look of despair on his.
Shortly after that the arguments started. The word sabotage was used. It had already been on his mind, but one day he had the audacity to say it. It was one of the most heated arguments they ever had. At the high point of the argument, she confessed her transgression. It was a confession that she now knew should have never left her lips. That was a secret that she should've taken with her to the grave. She would never forget the hurt in his eyes that day.
His five-year plan was in ruins. At the very least, severely delayed; compromised. He confessed his five-year plan was not just for him, but for them. He wanted a baby; but not now; not two years into his five-year plan. He wanted to be a father one day, but not now, not this way, not . . . unmarried. He confessed all this to her. She was unmoved by his words.
“Marry me, then,” she said.
“I'm not ready. We're not ready.”
“You mean you aren't ready.”
“Okay then, I'm not ready, now what?”
“Why not?”
“I want to be in a better position financially if I'm going to be a father. I want my child to have more than what I had as a child. I want money to be no object. I want to be more financially secure.”
“It's not like we're struggling now!”
“No, but it's not what I anticipated. It's not something I'm ready for. Korie, you know that I have a plan . . . a five-year plan andâ”
“Fuck your five-year plan!” she heard herself say. “You can't plan life!”
“No, but you can obviously plan an unwanted pregnancy!”
“I love you!” she screamed.
“Love doesn't trap people! Love doesn't sabotage; love should be patient.”
“Fuck patience! I want us! I want our lifestyle back! I want things back to the way they were when we first began dating! I want you to be with me!”
“What about our future, Korie? What about my career?”
“Being pregnant doesn't mean you can't have those things.”
“No, it just means that it will take longer for me to have the things that I want.”
On and on into the night they fought. Harsh things were said. By the morning neither was sure they wanted to be with the other. They both began to think that perhaps they weren't soul mates. Weeks after that, two people that were very much in love were strangers to one another living under the same roof.
The tension in the air was as thick as black smoke. The animosity burned the very essence of the air they breathed. They would each come home and simply not speak to one another. He would go in one room and she would go to the other. Both would stay out late some nights, and neither called the other to inquire when the other would be home. They both thought it was the beginning of the end. Neither of them, however, was bold enough to say it.
A few weeks after that, Korie miscarried.