Second Time Around (41 page)

‘I know.’ Jess looked up at Suzie. ‘My dad, was he your first lover?’

‘Yes, and John was the second, and that is the sum total of your mother’s experience.’

‘You must have been devastated when you realised you were pregnant.’

‘I’ll be honest, love – I cried when I took that test. Sorry.’

Jess shook her head. ‘I’m sure that I’d be the same.’

‘You see, I’d worked so hard and getting a job was my ticket out of that house and away from Da. It also meant I’d be able to slip my poor mother a few quid. I went to lots of
interviews but I was most excited about CML. Though I could put together spreadsheets and I knew all the basics of desktop publishing, I loved creating presentations and that was the job CML were
looking to fill. They wanted someone with artistic flair and, if I do say so myself, I had flair.’ Suzie grinned at her daughter.

‘What did CML do exactly?’

‘They organised conferences for companies in Ireland and the UK. They were huge and yet it was a small outfit. Me, Gina and Jack – now her husband – were the design team. Then
there was Malcolm, the accountant, a receptionist who was a pain in the arse and Doug and his wife, Pamela. Once we’d drafted up a few ideas, Gina and Pamela would pitch them to the customer
and then we apportioned out the work and were left to our own devices to design the presentation.’

‘That sounds cool.’

Suzie smiled. ‘It really was. Pamela, Doug’s wife, wasn’t happy about hiring a pregnant girl from the wrong side of the tracks but Doug overruled her.’

Jess frowned. ‘But I thought that she was the one who looked after me and tried to rescue me from the dog.’

‘Yes, that’s right but she was very different by then. That’s a story for another night,’ Suzie said, giving her a sad smile.

‘Granny must have been proud of you.’

‘She was but shocked when I told her I was pregnant. And Da, true to form, told me not to darken his door again.’

‘He didn’t, did he?’ Jess looked aghast.

Suzie nodded. She’d told her kids that her da was a violent man, but obviously they hadn’t heard about this part of the story. ‘Ma wanted to fight him on it but she’d
taken enough punches from him over the years. I wasn’t going to be the reason she got a few more. She wanted me to go and stay with her sister up in Donegal until the baby was born, but there
was no way I was going to pass up on the CML job.’

‘So what did you do?’

Suzie grinned. ‘I slept in CML’s reception area. It was lovely and warm and the sofa was quite comfortable. I only planned to stay there until I got my first paycheque. Then I
figured I’d be able to rent a room.’

‘But what about your clothes? What about showering?’ Jess asked.

‘Ma would call me when Da was out and I’d nip home to have a bath and change. All my stuff was stashed in the attic. I just carried the bare necessities in my rucksack.’

‘And you got away with it?’

Suzie smiled. ‘I did until Doug forgot his wallet one evening and came back to the office to find me snoring on his couch. He was suspicious of what I was up to and I had to explain the
whole situation. Thankfully, he believed me but he said that I couldn’t stay there. He told me to get in the car and I was scared he was going to drop me off at a homeless shelter. But,
instead, he brought me home with him.’ Suzie chuckled as she remembered her reaction when the electric gates had silently opened. ‘You would want to see the feckin’ mansion he
lived in. Huge, it was, and in its own grounds. There was a flat over the garage and he said I could stay there for as long as I wanted.’

‘Wow. Your own pad. That was generous.’

Suzie smiled. ‘He’s a pretty amazing guy, but his wife nearly divorced him over it.’

‘Did she think he was sleeping with you and it was his baby?’

Suzie threw back her head and laughed at the idea. ‘Not at all. I was a kid in trouble and Doug was old enough to be my dad. Anyway, they were in a different league. I doubt it would have
even occurred to Pamela that Doug would look twice at me. She just didn’t want me lowering the tone of the neighbourhood. But Doug put his foot down and told Pam I was staying and that was
that. I kept out of her way as much as possible. Not that it was easy. She was running CML at the time because Doug was recovering from a triple bypass. He wasn’t one for hanging around doing
nothing and hated being out of the office so when he wasn’t nipping in to check up on us, he was dropping round to the flat for a chat. That’s how we became such good
friends.’

Jess was silent for a moment and then looked at her. ‘Why didn’t you give me up for adoption?’

Suzie smiled. ‘That was the plan but once I held you in my arms, I knew that I couldn’t let you go. Besides, now I had some security, I figured I could give you a reasonable life.
And I used to have nightmares about you being adopted by someone like Da, who would mistreat you.’ She shuddered, remembering nights when she’d woken up in a cold sweat. ‘So I
decided that you were better off with me.’

‘Thank you.’ Jess squeezed her hand. ‘That seems like such an inadequate thing to say, but thank you.’ She said nothing for a moment and then looked up at Suzie.
‘Can I ask you a personal question?’

‘You can ask me anything you like,’ Suzie assured her. It was incredible how good it felt to tell Jess the truth. She hadn’t even realised that keeping it secret had eaten at
her all these years.

‘Did you love John?’

Suzie sighed. That was a question she’d asked herself a number of times over the years but now, when she was calm, she was able to look at John and their marriage a little more
objectively.

‘Yes, I loved him. We were very happy, especially in the early days when it was just the three of us. He was great with you then.’ She ignored Jess’s raised eyebrow. ‘He
was gentle, thoughtful and kind and, well, no guy had ever treated me with the respect he did. He was quite single-minded and hugely ambitious, though. He was determined that we would live in
Limerick which I was apprehensive about. But by then, Pamela had died of cancer and Doug had left the country and, without them, the flat didn’t feel like a home anymore.

‘But John gave me that. It was only in the last three years or so that he started messing about with other women. And, who could blame him? I wasn’t interested in his job,
couldn’t relate to any of his colleagues or their wives, and made no effort at all to shift the baby weight after Noel was born so, in a way, I pushed him away.’

Jess frowned. ‘Don’t take the blame for his bad behaviour, Mum. You treated him like a king. To be honest, it used to annoy me, given the way that he was carrying on.’

Suzie shook her head. ‘He was still a good father and he loved you, Jess.’

Her daughter shook her head. ‘No, Mum. At least not the way he loved Sharon and Noel.’

Suzie sighed, wishing Jess hadn’t been so attuned to John’s behaviour.

‘Honestly, Jess, he really did care. But he was there for the births of Sharon and Noel and I think that had a huge impact on him. Also, Sharon looked so much like his mother. A true
Connors girl. I know that it was wrong of him to treat you differently, Jess, but I don’t think it was intentional, just instinct.’ Suzie sighed. ‘I never thought you’d
noticed.’

‘I noticed.’ Jess frowned. ‘Never mind. You must have been devastated when you found out that he was unfaithful.’

‘It came as quite a shock,’ Suzie admitted. ‘It never occurred to me that he would do anything like that. He had such a strong sense of values. It’s true,’ she said
when Jess gave a snort of disbelief. ‘That’s why I feel I have to take some of the blame. If I had been by his side at all those company dinners, the way he constantly asked me to,
maybe he wouldn’t have strayed.’

Jess seemed to accept that but Suzie could see that she still looked troubled. ‘Go on, love. I told you that you can ask me anything.’

‘That night that I walked in on you, rowing. You were screaming at him and calling him names. I’d never even heard you raise your voice to him before that. What had he
done?’

Suzie shook her head, happy that she could answer honestly. ‘I don’t remember the details. I know it was about a woman because the one thing I do remember was seeing you at the door
and feeling terrified that you’d heard. I didn’t want any of you to know about his affairs. It would have broken up the family, forcing you into taking sides and Noel was only, what,
seven?’

‘Eight,’ Jess said. ‘But, yes, I suppose I can understand that.’

‘You never said anything to them, did you, Jess?’

Jess looked incredulous. ‘Of course not.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I didn’t hear anything about other women that night, Mum. I assumed that you were arguing about me. I was always trying to figure out what I’d done wrong to make him stop
loving me.’

‘You did nothing, Jess,’ Suzie cried, filled with impotent fury that John’s careless indifference had had such an impact on her daughter. ‘We never once argued about you.
John was proud of you, honestly, and I’m so sorry you thought otherwise.’

Jess sighed. ‘It’s okay, Mum. Thanks for telling me the truth, though. I feel better now that I know I didn’t come between you.’

‘Never,’ Suzie promised, looking her daughter straight in the eye. ‘Now, can I ask you something? Would you mind if we continued to keep John’s adultery from Sharon and
Noel? Not for his sake but for theirs, Noel’s especially. Losing him was traumatic enough without hearing that.’

‘Of course. I won’t say anything, Mum. I’ve never told them anything, either about what I knew or how I felt.’ Jess frowned. ‘Noel was so much younger and Sharon
was John’s little princess. She’d just think I was jealous,’ – she gave a sad smile, ‘– which I suppose, was true.’

‘I’m sorry, love,’ Suzie said, thinking how empty and inadequate the words were.

‘Don’t be. It’s fine. Lots of kids don’t get on with one or both of their parents. At least in my case I know that there was a reason.’ She reached for a menu.
‘Now, let’s eat, I’m hungry.’

Suzie wasn’t fooled by Jess’s bright smile but knew that, hard as this conversation had been, it had brought her daughter some peace of mind. Unfortunately that was a feeling she
didn’t share. There was a piece still missing and Suzie wouldn’t rest easy until she knew exactly what it was.

There were three texts from Doug when Suzie woke late on Saturday morning. The first asked how her night out with Aileen and Nora, and then Jess, had gone. The second reminded
her of the party later – now it was a party? And the third suggested she bring Jess. There was a thought! Suzie knew that Gina, at least, would love to meet her daughter and Suzie would be
proud to show her off. She wondered if Jess would be interested. She called her.

‘I’d love to, Mum,’ Jess enthused, ‘although I’m not sure I’d want to stay long. You’ll be talking about old times and I’d probably nod
off.’

Suzie chuckled. ‘True. Well, then, come along and say a quick hello, yeah?’

‘Sure. I’ll drive,’ Jess promised.

‘Thanks, sweetheart.’ Suzie hung up, smiling, and went downstairs. ‘It’s a lovely day, Percy. Will we go to the park and make the most of it?’

He stood up and wagged his tail, and she laughed. ‘Okay, then. I’ll tidy up and we’ll be off.’

Once Suzie had grabbed a sandwich and taken care of the housework, she called the dog and put on his lead. As she wandered through the park, throwing sticks for Percy, her thoughts turned to her
sister, as they had most days since she’d remembered Mandy’s efforts to lead her husband astray. How could any woman do that to a friend, let alone her own sister? Was it about John at
all or did Mandy simply want him because he was Suzie’s? Or was it even more personal? Sometimes Suzie wondered if Mandy hated her. John was gone now and yet Mandy had inveigled her way back
into Suzie’s life and tried to keep her and Doug apart. There was something decidedly sinister about her behaviour. She racked her brains, trying to figure out what she’d done that made
Mandy want to hurt her, but she honestly couldn’t think of a reason. Mandy had been only a child when Suzie left home and she’d been a good big sister, trying to protect her from their
da’s moods.

They’d lost touch when Mandy had moved to London but Suzie had welcomed her into her Limerick home when her sister decided to move back and needed a place to stay while she looked for a
permanent home. And what thanks did she get? Her sister had tried to screw her husband.

Anger flared and Suzie forced herself to practise her deep breathing, reminding herself this was ancient history and she’d cried all her tears a long time ago. She wouldn’t allow
herself to get upset today, not with a lovely evening ahead with her old friends. Suzie checked her watch.

‘Time to get back and make myself beautiful, Percy,’ she said, turning for home. She was really excited at the thought of meeting her workmates again and was convinced it would do
Doug the world of good. He needed male friends and you couldn’t get better than Mal and Jack. She hoped Mandy wouldn’t be there but she’d decided against asking Doug not to invite
her. He’d know something was up and he was riled enough without her telling him this latest little titbit from her past. Anyway, what could her sister say or do in a room full of strangers
and her boss? Suzie figured that this was one situation where Mandy could be trusted to behave.

Suzie stood in front of her wardrobe and flicked through her clothes, remembering Nora’s advice. Finally, she settled on her sleeveless, knee-length, black dress and a
pretty red bolero-style jacket. She’d wear her chunky necklace to cover her cleavage, as Nora had suggested. When she was ready, Suzie stood in front of the full-length mirror and smiled. The
silk tights and high black shoes made her look slim, elegant even. If you could see me now, Pamela, she thought with a wry grin. What would her old colleagues make of her? Would they even recognise
her? It had been almost twenty-four years since they’d seen each other.

She heard the front door open and Jess’s voice. ‘Mum, are you ready?’ Her daughter ran upstairs and stopped in the doorway. ‘Wow. You look great!’