Secret Worlds (314 page)

I had exhausted my last means of defiance by destroying almost every piece of furniture in the room I could toss against the door. The only things left standing was the chair and the bed, and though I still had enough anger in me to fight a year’s worth of wars, my energy ebbed.

Every time I thought of how the brute picked me up with both hands, like he would a child, carried me into the room, sat me firmly down on the bed, and then turned and walked out, shutting the door behind him with no emotion, no words, no fight, it re-ignited the burning fire of anger within me, making it so powerful I could spit lightning bolts. Nothing dimmed the fury within.

A faint shuffling came from the other side of the door and even fainter sound of whispers. I knew who it was by the sigh that carried an undertone of an exasperated growl.

Think twice before coming into this room.

I added as much venom as I could into my unspoken words but the erratic beat of my heart betrayed me. It was the first time I hated the way he made my body react. Even as he stood on the other side of the door, my anger ebbed away, hoping for the warm and solid embrace of Marren’s arms.

My warning must have worked because a shuffling’s quiet whisper faded in the distance. I hated myself for making him heed my warning.

That didn’t mean I didn’t want to listen to your explanation for keeping me prisoner!
It was a long shot, but I figured, why not test the distance our little gift is limited by?

The door clicked and opened a crack, assuming he paused long enough to see if something would fly through the air and hit him. When nothing happened, he opened the door the rest of the way and step through. He closed it then locked my eyes into his.

I forced myself to hold back. It took all my will to command my body to stay put and not run into the arms that melted away all the cares of the world as soon as they touched my skin. I needed him to understand I was serious, hurt, and a little betrayed by his insistent need to keep secrets from me and drop them in my lap on a whim.

And then, it only took one glance from his eyes. Black as onyx, absorbing all light, and full of intense sadness. He didn’t need to say it for me to see it in his eyes. His brows arched a little higher and pinched together, his mouth pulled down at the corners, even his shoulders seemed somewhat slumped. Yet, it still shocked and amazed me. Though a very proud man, he wasn’t too proud to hide his remorse—even from me.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything that would let him experience the heat of my anger. But the hundreds of words that swam around in my head shouting so loud they nearly drowned out the sounds of the world around me, had fallen mute and still—leaving a silence so thick in the air, a faint hum played in the distance. I wasn’t sure what the sound was, but at that point, everything around me remained quiet.

“What happened?” His voice didn’t come out frustrated, but resigned. Almost as though he gave up whatever struggle he intended to keep from me, deciding surrendering was better. His eyes fell along the destruction that reduced the room to shreds and hints of what it once was. A room full of rubble.

I had to say something instead of staring at him, drained and lost. My mouth was dry, and my throat felt scratchy. I tried my best to swallow and form the words as calm as possible. “I was angry that brute of a werewolf forced me to stay in here.”

“By my orders,” he said with patience, almost as if he was too drained to be upset.

“About that,” I sat forward on my knees. It felt uncomfortable, like a small grapefruit sat stuck inside my stomach, and for a brief moment, I wondered how that could be. I sat back up and resumed my previous position. “Care to tell me what that is about?”

He sighed, long and heavy. “Does it matter? You’re so stubborn, you’ll just run head first into something so far over your head…you’d get yourself killed before you realized how far over your head you were.”

He maintained the same calm, resigned tone that matched his face, and I realized he wasn’t sorry for his actions but surrendering to mine.

“It does matter. Why do you insist on keeping secrets from me? You keep me hidden under this apparent protection knowing full and well I can’t stand to be kept within four walls and having just escaped a very narrow space…” I paused to force back the tears nipping my eyes and caused my throat to swell. “I can’t help but wonder if you worried at all when I was in that Tombcell. You should have been the one to rescue me, not your friends. You, Marren!”

“I—couldn’t,” he said, barely above a whisper.

“Right, because the mere sight of me or touch from me is unbearable!” The last word came out muffled in a sob. I stood up and walked to the window. I forced myself to take a deep breath. “Tell me something, and for once be honest with me. If I’m your heart song, why do you act like you regret the day I came into your life? Why don’t you want me anymore? Why did you keep our child from me?”

I glanced over my shoulder, not even bothering to hide the tears flowing down my cheeks in a steady stream. My heart broke, and if he really was my heart song, he experienced it too. It made no difference in hiding tears when he experienced my pain. He stared at a spot on the floor, with most of his weight on one leg. His other slightly bent at the knee. His hair dangled in front of his face, shadowing it from the light in the room.

When he didn’t answer I added, “Why do you only pretend to love me?”

His eyes shot straight to me, quicker than an arrow and sharper. I had hurt him now. That much evidenced by my own heart with how it shrunk back with the painful pierce. “You think I don’t truly love you? You don’t know me as well as I thought.”

“Nor do you know me, keeping me here in this room, not letting me see you or be around you and barely acting like you even cared I almost died. But then, was that what you hoped? So you didn’t make your people suffer?”

“Relena, how can you say those things?”

“How can you do half the things you do? You are the one making me question everything. You are making me think you want nothing to do with me. You can’t even look me in the eye for more than a few seconds!”

“Didn’t Okelo talk to you?”

“Does it matter? Everything she had to say should have come from you, not her. How can you think I wouldn’t want something from you? Why can’t you show me your world, explain your people’s ways and be with me—by my side, Marren. Not down the hall or finding hundreds of excuses to avoid me.”

“Relena—”

“I have been trying to avoid this, but maybe the other Ancients are right. Maybe I’m not your heart song.”

My heart made a move as though it just shattered into hundreds of shards and pieces and fell like feathers, painfully gathering at the bottom of the empty chasm left. Whether from the heartbreaking acknowledgment of the thought I had been trying to avoid since the day we left for this realm or from Marren’s heart breaking at my words, I couldn’t be sure, all I caught onto was the door had opened and sealed with Marren on the other side. He said to the guard if I was determined to have my way, to let me have it and then silence fell.

Do you think this is me fighting for my way? Marren, I just want you to be with me, not avoiding me, and this is how I’ve been feeling. Why can’t you see how your actions are affecting me?

Only the silent hum, somewhere in the distance and now somehow louder and closer, returned to me. I fell to my knees and hugged myself, hoping to keep the pieces of my broken heart from falling out of me.

I stayed in the room. Not from giving into Marren’s wishes, but from an utter loss of energy. It was well past dark before I removed myself from the floor. My muscles were weak, my nose plugged and swollen. My throat was sore from crying. My shirt and hair were soaked from the tears. I had climbed into the bed and pulled the covers up over my shoulders and curled myself into a ball under them. The small lump inside my stomach still made itself known, not liking the cramped and crowded space of my womb. I related to that. Both of us were forced into a situation that was uncomfortable and restricting.

I had fallen asleep for a while, having exhausted myself to the point I couldn’t keep my eyes open. A sound had awakened me. One I couldn’t place or describe. I opened my eyes to a different room than when I first closed them, stripped bare of all the shattered and destroyed things strewn everywhere. Only bare floors and walls were evident now. Maybe that was the sound? A shuffle came and then the door closed softly.

Not hesitating, I removed myself from the bed and walked toward the door. A part of me wondered if Marren had stuck to his word he gave earlier. The other part of me was too emotionally worn to care. I pulled on the handle, giving easily under my pressure.

The hall was empty. On the other side of the windows carved from the surface of the mountain were the glowing silhouette of trees and the stars in the sky. I stepped out carefully, listening for the sound of footsteps. My eyes caught Marren’s form walking down the hall.

Marren, stop. Please.

He kept walking, forcing me to run after him.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” I asked as soon as I reached him. “You ignoring me.”

He continued walking without a word.

Fighting off another onslaught of tears, I choked out. “If you don’t want me here, I will leave. I’m sure I can find my own way back to the mortal realm, and I’m sure this will make the other Ancients happy as well.”

Still not another word. I stopped mid-step, unable to go farther. I watched Marren’s back fade into the shadows and disappear.

***

I stared at the doors leading out of the home of the werewolves. Not a soul was in sight, and those I passed on the way did nothing to stop me, much less glance at me or acknowledge my existence. I didn’t want to stay where I wasn’t wanted, and as much as the thought pained me to know Marren wasn’t speaking to me or even remotely cared I was leaving, I needed to get out. Staying would surely killed me. I had no idea what would become of me and the child, but I didn’t want to think about that. It nearly made me want to stay and endure being shunned and rejected, especially if it meant being able to see Marren more than I would if I left.

I pushed the doors open, feeling their weight give under my hands easily. The cool night air blew around me, forcing me back into the hall of the sheltering rock. But I couldn’t force myself to stay.

Alone is better than dead, isn’t it?

Each step I took on the dirt road made my legs seem weighted down with boulders. I kept my arms wrapped around me and my head low, shielded under the hooded cloak I wore. I reached the fork in the road and desperately searched for signs that would point me in the direction of the crossover. I decided I would go right first, and if that turned out the wrong way, I could turn back and go down the other path.

The night was dark, but thanks to my werewolf sight, I could see the outlines of the trees and the path. The fleeting creatures that lived within the woods faded in and out of sight. Even the sounds they made fell on deaf ears. I wanted to be interested in this world, but I didn’t want to give into my curiosities. To do so would make it much harder to bear when I left.

The moon moved high into the sky. The stars twinkled, some getting cloaked behind light drifts of clouds. I sensed the enchantment of this place start to pull me in. I desperately clung to the decision I made, not allowing myself to get pulled in. I couldn’t change my own mind. I had to leave. Marren didn’t want me anymore. The idea chilled me to the bone, emptying me of all hope, leaving only despair.

I forced myself to focus on the path ahead of me. With each step, I was getting closer to the crossover. I sensed it. Just ahead, a figure appearing as still as can be, sat on a tree stump on the side of the road. He was slouched, leaning on his knees. Unintentionally, my foot kicked a rock on the road, skipping it and sending it loudly skidding against the dirt. The figure’s head popped in my direction. The familiar slant of his shoulders, the position he took.

“Danst? W—what are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same thing of you,” he said, searching around for someone else. Probably Marren.

“I’m alone.” I took a deep breath to say the next thing. “I’m leaving. Marren has decided he doesn’t want me anymore. I guess Jiren was right. I must not be Marren’s heart song.”

My voice cracked at the term that used to mean so much to me. Now it seemed as though it shouldn’t.

“You’ve got everything all wrong, Relena.”

“Do I?” I asked, my tone bitter. “Seems to me, I’m right, considering I told him if he didn’t want me here I’d leave to make things easier for him and he didn’t say a word. In fact, short of locking me in a room like a prisoner, he’s avoided me like he’s ashamed of me.”

“You don’t understand—”

“No, I understand fine!” I said.

“Relena, stop!” He searched around and in a lower voice added, “Please, sit with me and let me at least explain to you.”

“Danst,” I said and smiled, unsure if he could see my smirk but gave it a shot anyway. “You are a great friend, and I’m grateful for everything you have done for me. And despite my feelings, it is apparent that not only am I not wanted here, but Marren has changed his mind about me. I can’t stay. It hurts too much.”

I choked on the last word. I quickly wrapped my arms tightly around him. “Take care of him for me, please.”

Before he could answer or argue, I let him go and took off in a jog down the road, wiping tears from my eyes.

As soon as I was sure Danst didn’t follow me, I turned to judge the distance I had walked. I didn’t get far. I turned back around to continue down the path. I couldn’t help but let my thoughts trail to Marren and how much I loved him. I needed him to know before I got too far. I stopped in the middle of the path and closed my eyes, focusing on my words.

I love you, Marren. More than I thought a person could love anyone. No matter what, I love you. I love you even though you don’t want me anymore. But, I can’t stay. The pain is too much. I feel like I’m dying a little more each second that passes and you drift further and further from me. I won’t bother you. I won’t even speak your name if that is what you wish. I’m sorry that I wasn’t what you wanted after all.