She sat there soaking the news in while my breakfast went cold. “How can you be so okay with this?”
“I’m not,” I scoffed. “But the alternative is worse.”
“What’s the alternative?”
“I give myself wholly to Jason and basically forget David ever existed.”
“And … you can’t do this, why?”
My inner teen resurfaced, rolling her eyes. “Because my mind and heart are finally clear, Em. For once. And … even after I’ve been given the chance to be with Jason … I still just want David.”
“So you don’t love Jason anymore, you just, what? Fell out of love?”
“It was never that kind of love. I needed to
explore
my feelings for Jase, and when I did, they were so intense that…” That I threw myself off a lighthouse to avoid the truth. “I thought maybe it was real love—maybe it
had
to be. And it could have been, I guess, if I let it grow. But it’s dying more every day. I just see him more and more as a good friend—someone I’ll always be there for but … will never be
with
.”
“And you’re willing to die for that? To … I mean, you’re just gonna throw in the towel because David won’t take you back?”
“No.” I laughed incredulously. “I’ll fight ’til the death, Em. But I’d rather die fighting for what I loved than to live eternally without it.”
Only the back of her throat made a noise. She closed her mouth, then opened it again, her eyelashes fluttering. “I … have you told David that?”
“No. And I don’t mean to,” I added, pointing suggestively at her face.
She shoved my hand down. “I won’t tell him. But I think he’d at least like to hear it.”
“Well—” I poked my egg. The yolk had gone hard and dry. “I’ll think about it. But don’t you go saying anything to
anyone
. Especially about the death card Fate dealt me.”
“I promise.” She offered her pinky. “But what about Blade?”
I shook her pinky with mine. “Especially not Blade.”
Her eyes drifted slowly onto the day outside the window then, a hard gust of air following from her lips. “Okay. Fine. Look, I gotta go. I’ll see ya at dinner.”
“Okay. See ya.” I waved her off dismissively, knowing she was pissed, but I was just too hungry to really care.
“And…” She stopped, holding my door slightly ajar. “I know it doesn’t bring him back or make it any easier to deal with but … I’m so sorry about your dad.”
My mind flashed back to that dream from last night, going through the stages of acceptance all over again as I told myself he wasn’t a vampire. He was dead. “Thanks, Em.”
“Just … you know you’re not the only one, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean—” She tightened her lips for a second. “I cry for him
all
the time.”
My eyes watered along with hers, and she left the room quickly then before either of us started blubbering.
***
Mike changed his usually long stride to match that of the tiny thing beside him, her head only just coming up past his nipples, her frame so petite she could snap if he accidentally tripped on that rug and landed on her. She kinda looked like a child, really, with her lovely soft blonde hair falling like baby’s breath over her shoulders and the wide-eyed enthusiasm of youth, but she’d clearly reached puberty early in her human years because, despite me being older and pregnant, she had bigger boobs and better curves—the appeal of a woman. And I could see now why David hadn’t been at all concerned with how young she was when he was sleeping with her—every night. Probably every morning too, in that way couples without the world on their shoulders do.
Her name was promptly added to my growing list of girls I didn’t like. Girls that’d been with David.
Funny enough, though, Em wasn’t on that list. Yet.
David’s ex, with her arms folded and her attention belonging wholly to Mike’s gorgeous smile, watched him with such fascination, nodding and smiling as he waved his hands around, presenting random spots in the roof of the manor.
His eyes warmed more then as he looked up and saw me heading toward him, and he gently placed his hand to the girl’s back, stopping her. “Ara?”
“Hey, guys.” I drew my hands from my jeans pockets in the hope of appearing older and more confident, secretly taking the stopping distance to scrutinise the girl: her eyes of pale green sparkled too much for a vampire, in my opinion, and I didn’t really find her thin pink lips as kissable as I pictured David’s ‘type’ having. I mean, yeah, she was like me in a lot of ways, with her small frame, bright disposition and the instant trust she had for those she met—trust that shone out clearly in her anticipating smile. Like me, yeah, but also mixed with a bit of Emily. And my eyes slowly went to Mike then, noting the way he stood beside her: just a little closer than polite. Great.
I closed a tiny indignant huff into the back of my throat, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. Surely he wasn’t even thinking about falling for David’s
leftovers
! Sixteen-year-old-
child
leftovers.
“Ara,” Mike said softly, with just a hint of confusion underneath—enough to wake me into realising I was staring open-mouthed and squinty-eyed at the newcomer. “This is Pepper.”
“Pepper?” the girl squeaked.
“Sorry.” Mike winced. “
Sara
.”
“Sara?” I frowned, doing a double take.
Pepper laughed, sweeping her light-blue baseball cap off her head and offering her hand. “I don’t know why they keep calling me Pepper.” We shook hands. “I must look like a spice.”
I laughed awkwardly, making suppositions about her based on the handshake: tiny. Sweet. Friendly. And quite possibly not as demonic as I needed her to be. “So, what brings you to Loslilian, Sara?”
“I was at school, and…” She looked up shyly at Mike. “Next thing I know I wake up here and they tell me I’m a vampire.”
“Oh.” I looked at Mike while I asked her my next question. “So you’re
new
?”
They both nodded—Mike’s bearing a little more weight, though.
“And … how are you liking it so far?” I asked.
In the way young people often do, not realising just how rude it actually is, Pepper shrugged, popping the baseball cap on again. It didn’t match her light denim jeans and feminine, almost transparent pink top at all, either. And she wasn’t even wearing a bra. Were it not for the fact that vampires didn’t get cold, I would have been able to see the shape of her nipples. Not just the colour.
“Well, you’ll need to learn how to dress then, sweetie,” I said politely, well, kind of politely. You might say sweetly condescending. “Rule number one about being vampire is that you have to blend in. It’s autumn—” I presented the grey day. “No one wears invisible tops when it’s cold.”
“We were just headed into town,” Mike said, kindly enough that only
I’d
hear the defensive undertone. “We’re gonna take Emily with us—go get some clothes.”
“Okay.” I nodded, half scowling up at Mike. “Is the king okay with that?”
He patted my upper arm. “All approved. He’s asked us to take Jason, too.”
I wanted to laugh. But I held it in. “You’re taking Jason and your ex-fiancée shopping with a “new” vampire?”
“Yeah.” Mike wiped a hand across his mouth. “It’ll be an interesting day, that’s for sure.”
“Well—” I walked past them. “Have fun.”
“We will.”
Of course they would. They were going shopping. To be normal for a day.
Sometimes it really sucked being queen. And it sucked that Pepper’s treatment had worked so well I now had to live under the same roof as her. I mean, I wanted to help her. But I at least thought she’d spend a few months in therapy down at the Institute for the Damned. Now was not a good time to have another one of David’s exes shoved in my face. Especially pretty and sweet exes.
My self-absorbedness stopped short of my next whinge as the air at the end of the corridor chilled substantially then.
I looked up to see Morgaine leaning on the wall by the entrance to the Great Hall.
“He likes that girl,” she warned, unfolding her arms.
“She’s very sweet.” I shrugged. “What’s not to like?”
“He liked
me
. But now, because of you, he doesn’t even speak to me anymore.”
“No, that’s because you’re the enemy, Morg.”
“And that’s
your
fault,” she said. “He would never have known if you didn’t tell him. You cost me my only real friend.”
“What’d you expect?” I threw my hands out to the sides. “That he’d just say, ‘
Oh right. You wanna kill my best friend. But hey, that’s cool, ‘cause we’re mates’
?”
Her fists tightened by her sides, a long, heavy breath squeezing out through her teeth. “He was the only person I had to talk to around here. You could've at least left me him.”
I scoffed and walked away. This girl was unbelievable. “Get over it, Morg. No one likes a traitor.”
“Oh yeah,” she called. “Well, no one likes a whore, either.”
“Whatever,” I called back. “You can’t get to me, you know. I’m above it.”
“Then maybe I’ll get to the Upper House,” she yelled spitefully. And I stopped. “
You
might not care if you’re a whore, but
they
will.”
I turned back around slowly. “I dare you to. Because I am just
looking
for a reason to rip your goddamn head off, Morgaine. Don’t force my hand.”
Her eyes flicked to my hand. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“Then we have something in common,” I said coolly. “But if you ever threaten me again, I will give you good reason to fear me.”
“You can’t touch me.”
“Famous last words, Morgana.”
***
With the little portrait of my baby tucked to my chest, I skipped through the corridors toward David’s room, calling out to announce myself as well as knocking on his closed door. I didn’t want a repeat of the last time I entered here.
“Come in, Ara,” he called in as dull and flat a voice as humanly possible.
“Hey.” I popped in all excitedly, swinging the door shut with my hip.
“Hey.” He perked up a bit when he actually looked at me from behind his book, the late afternoon sun streaming through the glass pane beside him and making his skin glow the same colour as the leather sofa he was on. “What brings you to this end of the manor?”
“I forgot to tell you something.”
“Before you do—” His put his book down on the coffee table and shuffled forward, bringing us face to face as I sat down, shifting the giant hardback aside to make room for my widening butt. “I need to tell you something first.”
“Okay.” I tucked my good news behind my back for the time being.
“I heard you met Pepper today.”
“Mm-hm.”
“What did you think of her?”
“Honestly?” I pulled a face, like I was going to tell him exactly how much I didn’t like her. But that would've been a lie. “She’s really sweet.”
One corner of his mouth slowly edged toward his cheek, bringing out that sharp dimple I hadn’t seen in almost two months. “So you don’t mind if she stays here?”
“Nope,” I said too quickly, laying the picture down on the table behind me. If we were here to talk about Pepper, I wasn’t showing him this today. It would sour the experience for me.
“Good.” He sat back a bit, grabbing his book as he went. “Because she needs more time between sessions with Jason. It’ll be at least a few weeks before she’s eligible for the change.”
“Change?”
He nodded, like I was supposed to know what he meant.
“What change?” I added.
He flipped a page over in his book, cradling it gently against those long fingertips of his. “Back to human.”
“You’re turning her back?” I tried not to fall off the table as I drew myself forward in surprise, but slipped a little anyway, correcting myself under the spark of David’s amusement.
He laughed out loud then, closing the book and putting it down. “No.
You
are.”
“I … well, I mean, I know
I
have to. But…” I studied my powerful hand for a second, imagining the moment I’d feel her heart beat, knowing it’d be the last I ever saw of her. “I thought you wanted her around.”
The amusement in his eyes simmered away to a soft smile. “No.”
I gave a hard nod, like a person who took shocking news as cold fact and dealt with it. He saw through me, though.
“It’s okay,” he said, taking his attention back to his book. “You can be happy.”
But I wasn’t happy. I actually shrunk a little with shame. “It’s not that I don’t like her, you know. I—”
“It’s okay, Ara.” He reached across quickly and cupped my knee, stupefying me into silence. “I get it.”