Swiping the phone, I answer, “Hey Mom. What’s up?”
Her voice is tight, higher than normal. “Kerry.”
“Yup, is everything okay? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
Carter looks at me with one of his overly expressive gazes. “Actually, Emily is in the middle of something. You are a bookend. Ooh! Tell your mom we’re having a threesome and you need to call her back.” He laughs, but stops abruptly when I reach across Emily and slam my fist into his chest. It’s a weeny punch, but shuts him up.
“What was that? You’re with someone?”
“Mom, no, that’s not—”
She ignores me, assuming that Carter is
the
someone. I guess she didn’t hear
threesome
. “Thank goodness, I was so worried you’d still be stuck on Matt. This is good news, honey.”
Humoring her, I nod, “Yup, I’m with someone and I’m over Matt.” That’s a huge lie, but my voice doesn’t hitch. I’m too preoccupied with Emily’s slumping body and how close her head is getting to my boob. “Shoulder. Stay,” I tell Emily even though she’s still out. Carter smirks and looks out the window.
“The thing is, I wanted to tell you before your father got hold of you. Honey, something’s happened.”
I straighten and clutch the phone harder. “Oh, my God! Is Daddy all right? What happened?” Carter glances back at me with concern in his eyes.
“It’s nothing like that,” Mom says and then pauses for too long. “Honey, are you sitting down.”
“Just tell me.”
“Well, you know these things are hard, but I’m happy. Please remember that because this part is hard.”
I’m worried about her. Mom has always taken care of herself. She doesn’t have that thing other moms have where they run themselves ragged and say yes to everyone and everything. Mom made sure she took care of her body, her hair, and if we needed something during her salon appointment—Daddy did it. He’d juggle his work schedule for her. Her words worry me; mom is his sun, moon and stars. He’d never intentionally hurt her.
“Just say it. Whatever I’m imagining can’t be as bad as you think it will be.”
“I’m not sure about that, Muffin.” I cringe at the nickname. “You see, I’ve been lonely and your father and I don’t get along well anymore. We have different goals in life.” I’m aware of that. My mom’s goal has been to look like a trophy wife and Dad’s goal has been to treat her like a goddess. It’s a pretty sweet deal, so I don’t know why she’d be unhappy.
“Right, and?”
“Well, I met someone, honey. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. He’s so sweet and he makes me feel alive.”
“You met someone? As in, you’re having an affair?” My voice gets too loud, too fast. Carter looks away when I glance at him, as does the cabbie. “What the hell are you telling me this for? You know I love Daddy. What am I supposed to do? Keep your secret?”
“Uh, honey, that’s just it.” Her voice quivers with uncertainty. “It’s not a secret anymore. He knows. He caught us and I was afraid he’d already told you. I wanted to tell you my side of the story since it’s my story.”
Her words echo in my head.
It’s my story
. She acts as if Dad weren’t part of their marriage, as if he isn’t affected by her actions. I’m shell shocked. My jaw tightens and I want to scream at her. How can she be so selfish? Maybe I’m overreacting. I’m not married, I don’t know what their relationship is like, but right now I can tell she’s asking for my support. I can do that. I can be supportive. Sort of. Biting back bitter words, I nod slowly and speak, not thinking about how sick the words make me feel. “Okay, I’m glad you told me.”
“Really? Are you all right honey?”
“Yes,” I lie, and she doesn’t catch it. She misses the hitch in my voice and misinterprets the silence between us.
“Because there’s one other thing that may be difficult. Well, I thought it would be hard, but if you’ve already moved on, then—” A shiver goes up my spine and covers my flesh. I don’t want to hear what she’s going to say, but I’m frozen in place. “—maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s destiny, because there’s no other way we would have met if not for you. Matt was worried you’d be upset, but I told him…” her words become noise. Horrified, I stare straight ahead and drop the phone. It slides off my lap and onto the floor.
“Kerry?” Carter calls my name and snaps me out of it.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
Nodding slowly, I swallow hard. “Yup. I’m fine.” Reaching for the phone, I shove Emily over to him so I can reach it. The cab stops short and I slam my head into the seat. Groaning into the phone, I tell her, “Listen Mom, I’d love to chat, but I’m in the middle of this pledging initiation thing and it’s my turn for the threesome. The girl is super cute. Let me nail them and I’ll call you back. Tell Matt hi for me.” I hang up before she can say another word.
Chapter 4
After dropping Emily in her room, Carter offers to walk with me for a while. I didn’t tell him what happened with my mom and he didn’t ask.
Silence envelopes us as we walk, close enough to be holding hands, but Carter doesn’t try. I’m not sure if I wish he would, and tonight confuses me even more. Matt and Mom? Betrayal engraves itself deeper and deeper into my soul. I never want to see her again. How could she do this to me? When Matt said there was someone else, I thought he meant another girl our age, not my mother.
Matt’s an asshole. It makes me glance at Carter who is the opposite of Matt in every way. I don’t know what I think about Carter. It’s like we’re friends with a spark of something else. Sometimes I feel a pull toward him, but it’s so small that it would be simpler for us both if I couldn’t feel anything.
Nathan on the other hand, well, I know I’m drawn to him. I wish he wasn’t such an asshole. I can’t believe he painted the canvas I was staring at—what were the odds that the one piece that held my attention for more than five seconds was created by him?
My thoughts return to my mother and my ex. I try to maintain small talk with Carter, but he knows something has me on edge.
Carter clears his throat before brushing the back of my hand with his. “What’s going on, Kerry? What are you thinking?”
Offering a little smile, I shrug. “Why do I have to be thinking anything? Can’t a girl be quiet, pensive, and all Gandhi-like?”
He laughs and shakes his head. Pushing his black hair out of his face, he says, “Yeah, no offense, but silence from you doesn’t mean meditation. You’re thinking something.” He bumps his shoulder against mine. “Care to share?” I smile over at him and kick a rock, shaking my head. He tries again. “So it has something to do with your Mom?”
Making a face, I yell, “Hell, no! I won’t let her ruin the rest of my night. I swear, between her and Matt—” I bite my tongue, cutting off that sentence before my ears can hear it out loud. What does it mean when your boyfriend dumps you for your mom? What the fuckery is that?
I stop walking and look up at him. When he sees the look on my face, his smile vanishes. I decide to just say it. “My mom just left my Dad for my ex boyfriend.”
“Ouch.” I nod and look away, folding my arms against my chest. Carter gently takes my hand, squeezes, and lets go. “Is there anything I can do? Dumb guy question, but since I have nuts I’m obliged to ask.”
A half-laugh escapes my throat and the corner of my mouth twitches. “Carter, what’s wrong with me? Why’d he leave me? They both did. The guy from the bar didn’t even know me, but I wasn’t good enough for him either.”
Carter inhales deeply and looks up at the sky for a second. “Ah, the hot one-nighter guy. Someone like that shouldn’t be your measuring stick for life.”
“You sound like a fortune cookie.”
“Fortune cookies are wise and tasty. By the way, your numbers are 2, 18, 51, and 69. I thought you’d want to hear that a sixty-nine was headed your way. I would.” He’s laughing.
I swat his arm and Carter laughs harder. It’s an amazing sound, and I suddenly want to hear it more often. “I’m just shocked, you know? This is the last thing I expected to hear tonight.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” I can tell Carter has no clue, but he’s trying so hard to be my friend. I wish he’d talk to me. Our relationship feels lopsided. He knows all this personal stuff about me, but he hasn’t told me much of anything about himself. So it surprises me when he scuffs his sneaker against the pavement and tells me the story about him and Josh. The entire time he talks, he looks at the ground. Our feet move slowly, one minuscule pace at a time, inching toward my dorm.
When he gets to the part about his girlfriend, his voice drops an octave and his hands tense into fists. I doubt he even realizes it. “That’s when I found them together. My night class was cancelled and their three-hour sex-fest ended abruptly when I walked in on them. Evie cried and said she loved me, that she was sorry—but Josh—I don’t know.” His words taper off and we stop moving.
Carter folds his arms across his chest and works his jaw. “She was sorry, and I think she really was, Kerry. She didn’t know how it happened. She told me that later, that it was an accident that happened over and over. But Josh always wanted what he couldn’t have. The guy’s a rich brat and his brothers are all the same. They have everything already. The only thing Josh couldn’t have was Evie—so he took her.” His voice sounds hollow, like he’s fallen down a hole.
I touch his arm lightly. “Carter, they were both to blame.”
He shakes his head. “Not equally. Evie always acted ashamed around me after that, like she regretted doing it, but Josh didn’t. He never apologized. He never said sorry or even acted like he shouldn’t have done it. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“What’d you do?” The evening air is warm and still. The sound of a car door slams in the distance.
Sweeping his inky hair out of his eyes, he looks down at me. “We fought it out. He threw the first punch, I threw the last. The dorm director took a hook to the jaw. It was meant for Josh, but the man jumped between us. We nearly got expelled because of that. The dean was pissed. Josh acted like we were brothers having a fight. The asshole even put his arm over my shoulder and faked this whole damn speech about how we had a disagreement over a girl, but it’s settled now. When the dean never followed up with us, I assumed his family must have bought our way out of trouble, and I was just lucky enough to be in tow. It’s hanging over my head, though. I know I can’t get in another fight, but Josh loves to taunt me.”
“But won’t he get tossed too? I mean, if you can’t fight, he can’t either, right?” I look up at him, wondering how much it had to sting, wondering how he could possibly trust anyone again.
Carter offers a lopsided smile. “The Gallub family is the single largest contributor to the university’s endowment fund. What do you think?”
I think it’s not fair, but I can’t say that. The hurt in his voice requires a less juvenile answer, and I don’t have one.
We stand there in the quiet for a moment, both of us looking down. Gently, he reaches over and takes my hand. “It’s been hard, and lonely. I’m not bullshitting you when I say I know how it feels. Being betrayed by your mom is a twist unique to your story, but the cheating part? The way that feels is etched into my skull in vivid detail.”
When I glance up and find his dark eyes staring into mine. “Have you gone out with anyone since Evie?”
Shaking his head, he tells me, “No.”
“Oh.” Suddenly, I feel small and my stomach flips with uncertainty as Carter inches closer to me, his eyes locked on mine.
When he speaks again, I can feel his warm breath on my lips. “I didn’t think I could take it, offering my heart to another person and having things go badly. I haven’t really talked about what happened that night with anyone, not all of it, anyway. But I feel like I can talk to you—like you might understand.”
He’s so close, but I can’t back away, and I can’t move toward him. If I say no, or make him think I don’t care, I’ll break his heart. I know because that’s how I feel. I don’t want to trust anyone else or put my heart out there again. Add on the crap-load of stuff my Mom just told me and I want to ice out everyone. The thing is, I can’t hurt Carter, and it’s clear he’s still hurting.
Lowering my eyes, I whisper, “I’m not ready yet.”
Carter nods and I feel his cheek brush against mine before he backs away. “I’m glad you told me.”
“I’m not putting you off.” Wow, I’m a liar, because that’s not it.
Why not kiss him?
Why not Carter?
Is it because I’m not over Matt? Is that really the reason?
Not exactly. I feel a connection with Carter, but it’s not what I’m looking for. Maybe I’m secretly hoping for another encounter with Mystery Man and his magical disappearing thingy? When did I become so shallow?
Carter doesn’t let me decide. Instead, he leans in and briefly presses his lips to mine. “I believe you.” He pulls away and smiles. “No worries, Kerry. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
I nod slowly, not knowing what to say. I have no idea how I feel. The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t break Carter’s heart—he won’t survive.
When he pulls open the door for me, I start to walk inside. My gaze is on the floor. I don’t glance up until a scream hits my ear as something white and feathery butts into my face. I screech and fall backward. Carter catches me as a fat goose tries to peck my nose off. Beth is standing in the doorway, horrified.
“I tried to sneak it in, but they caught me, and when I tried to let it go—it freaked out.” Her little face is all scrunched up, mortified. “Kerry, I’m so sorry!”
Seeing that I’m ok, Carter begins laughing hysterically. “You sure have a way with animals.”
“I think they’d rather have their way with me.” I glare at the goose from a distance, as it rushes another student in the parking lot. The girl screams and runs the other way while her friends cackle.
Chapter 5