Secrets From the Past (7 page)

The owner of the water taxi held out his hand, guided me onto the boat. I forced a smile, thanked him as he helped me down the steps and into the large cabin. A moment later Geoff was ducking his head, coming inside after me, taking the seat opposite.

The driver began to back out, edging his way into open water, manoeuvring the boat skilfully, as all of these Venetians seemed able to do. Staring at Geoff, I asked, ‘What about the food situation at the bolthole? Did you manage to go out and buy anything?’

He gave me a look that verged on the scornful, and exclaimed, ‘This ain’t my first rodeo, lady. What do you take me for, a greenhorn?’

Geoff laughed as he said this with a mock cowboy twang, and I laughed with him.

‘No, it ain’t your first rodeo, I know that, pal, but I figured you’d been a tad busy since you got here,’ I retorted.

‘I have stocked up. Claudia stayed with Zac, had coffee with him the day after we arrived, and I went out to the market, picked up lots of items, per Harry’s instructions.’

‘What did you buy?’ I asked.

‘Pastas, canned stuff, lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, the kind of things you like to make soup with, again per Harry’s advice. And Claudia did the rounds for me early this morning, bought fresh bread, cheese, butter, milk, oh and two chickens and chicken bouillon for your soup.’

‘My famous chicken in the pot,’ I muttered almost to myself, and then remembered how much Zac liked it. I focused on Geoff again, and added, ‘Thanks for doing the shopping, I’m grateful.’

‘My pleasure. I also want you to know that I’ve booked myself into the Bauer Hotel, moved my junk over there already. You must be alone with Zac. You’ll succeed much better without me hovering over the two of you. And if there’s any sort of emergency, I can be there real quick, and there’s also Claudia downstairs.’

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Oh, okay, that’s fine.’ But was it, I wondered?

‘Don’t sound so concerned, Serena, you’ll see, he’ll respond to you better than he has to me.’ He leaned forward, turned his intelligent grey eyes on me. ‘It’s you he wants with him, you he depends on, you he needs.’

I made no response, just gazed at him.

Geoff exclaimed, ‘Hey, I’m not copping out, don’t think that! I really believe it’s better that I’m out of the way. He’s still in love with you, take my word for it, and once you’re there, he’ll become calm.’

‘Isn’t he calm?’ I asked anxiously, envisioning a rampant Zac, angry and upset, the way he’d been when we’d broken up eleven months ago. ‘Is he agitated? Excited? What state is he in?’

‘None of those you’ve mentioned. He’s … well, sort of nervous, moves around a lot, doesn’t seem able to sit still for long. Goes from one room to the next. But he’s not yelling and shouting, nothing like that. I told you, he doesn’t speak much. He’s very closed in. Remote, very distant, as if he’s in another world.’

Oh God, I thought, perhaps he’s in catatonic shock. Some kind of shock, anyway. Why wasn’t he talking to Geoff? They’d been through a lot together, they were war buddies, veterans of battle on the front line. Which is why Harry sent him to get Zac out. What was I going to do for him? How could I bring him back? Get him to be more normal? And how would I get him to eat and sleep?

Geoff must have read something in my expression, and he reached out, put his hand on my knee, and said in a low, reassuring voice, ‘You’ll be fine, honey, stop chewing it over. Zac needs
you
, and you’ll succeed where nobody else could.’

‘I hope so,’ I sighed, shaking my head. ‘I’ll give it a try.’

‘Your very best bloody try,’ Geoff asserted and squeezed my hand.

The water taxi dropped us off at the jetty near the Piazza San Marco, and we walked across the piazza slowly and in silence.

We were both lost in our own thoughts. I was recalling the times I had come here in the past, such happy times with my family, or with Zac, the two of us alone. Often I had been here in the height of the summer when the piazza was jammed with tourists from all over the world. But this was not the tourist season and it was less crowded on this chilly morning.

There were some people moving ahead of us, heading for the shops on the Frezzeria or Florian and Quadri cafés. Other tourists were sitting at the small tables in the square, watching the passers-by and the pigeons fluttering around or gazing at the magnificent Basilica di San Marco, marvelling at its beauty and whiling away the morning until lunchtime.

Geoff and I headed for a far corner of the piazza and the narrow cobbled street where the bolthole was located. Unexpectedly, Geoff came to a standstill and turned to me, taking hold of my arm. ‘Listen,’ he exclaimed, ‘I forgot to tell you one thing. I must warn—’

‘About what?’ I asked, cutting across him.

‘Zac and television. He has all the sets on at the same time on different networks. And he’s watching them constantly.’ He grimaced. ‘He’s watching one or the other, night and day, and he gets furious if you try to turn one off. So don’t do it. Humour him, okay?’

I nodded. ‘What’s he watching?’ I asked, and knew the answer before Geoff spoke.

‘War coverage, of course. General news. But mostly war coverage. He’s addicted to war, Serena.’

‘I know that,’ I said. My voice was a whisper.

We reached the building and went up to the third floor in the small, rather narrow elevator. When we got to the door of the bolthole I stood staring at it. Geoff was staring at me. Waiting.

Finally I said, ‘Okay.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m okay. Let’s go in.’

N
oise from the various television sets bounced off the walls of the apartment, but when Zac saw me standing in the doorway he immediately turned off the one in the living room and got up out of the chair. The other TVs in the bedrooms continued to drone on, but they were at least muted to a certain degree, creating only background noise.

I put my handbag on the table, shrugged out of my pea jacket, draped it around a chair back, walked towards Zac. He had remained standing near the TV, had not moved, and his eyes were riveted on me.

To say I was shocked by his appearance was an understatement. I was appalled. He had lost a great deal of weight, which somehow made him look taller, and his face was gaunt. I could see that quite clearly even though he had a lot of stubble, had obviously not shaved for days on end. His brown hair had lost its lustre, looked grey and strangely dusty, and there was an air of exhaustion about him. He appeared diminished; even his green eyes were dulled, had lost their sparkle, and his mouth was pinched.

As I walked forward he came towards me, and a moment later my arms went around him. I held him close. He was so thin I could feel his bones through his shirt, and my heart ached for him, for his suffering. A split second later I experienced such a rush of love and tenderness I was startled at myself.

War had taken its horrendous toll on him, and I knew I must make him better, bring him back to life, to what he had been before. Whether there would be a future for us I did not know, nor did it matter at this moment. What I wanted was to get him well, no matter what. That was my aim, and my reason for being here.

Releasing him, I took a step away, turning my head. His clothes were dirty and they smelled. And so did he. Taking several deep breaths, I said, ‘Harry sent me.’

‘I asked him to,’ Zac replied. ‘Thank God you came.’

A few seconds earlier, out of the corner of my eye, I had noticed Geoff rolling my suitcase into one of the bedrooms, and now he reappeared, came to join us in the middle of the room.

‘How about coffee?’ he asked genially, looking from me to Zac. ‘I could use it.’

We both nodded, and I said, ‘With milk and sweetener, please, Geoff.’

‘Coming right up,’ he answered, and walked off into the kitchen.

Taking hold of Zac’s hand, I led him to the big overstuffed sofa, and we sat down. I couldn’t quite make out the expression on his face … I didn’t know if it was one of longing, weariness or pain, and then almost immediately his face crumpled. He started to cry. He brought his hands to his face as he wept.

After a moment he took control of himself again, and wiped the tears away with his fingertips, shook his head, looking regretful.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to break down, Pidge,’ he muttered, using Jessica’s nickname for me, the only other person allowed to do so.

‘It’s all right, it’s all right.’ Moving closer, I put my arms around him, wanting to console him, but instantly drew back, again almost gagging. One thing was certain: I had to get him out of these filthy clothes and into a shower as soon as possible.

Now my eyes roamed around the room. His cameras were on the table, his flak jacket laid on a chair, his holdall on the floor nearby. He was all set and ready to roll, to hightail it back to another war, wherever the hell it was, I thought dismally. He’d even go back to Afghanistan, the most hellish place on earth. The smell of cordite, blood and sweat, exploding roadside bombs, Marines being killed relentlessly. A foul battleground.

He was addicted to war, the adrenaline rush, as so many of us were. I had been, but had managed to extract myself from the front line before it was too late, as my father had before me, and Harry as well.

If you didn’t get out you were burned to a shred, like Zac was now. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, I thought, and shivered involuntarily.

Geoff brought out mugs of coffee and handed them to Zac and me, returning to get his own. When he came back he brought a plate of cookies, which he put down on the coffee table.

We drank in silence. Finally, I said quietly, ‘As soon as you’re up to it, Zac, I want you to have a bath, or a shower, whichever you prefer.’

He threw me a swift glance, and all of a sudden there was a stubborn set to his mouth. He said, ‘Tomorrow’s fine.’

‘No, it isn’t,’ I answered in the most businesslike tone I could muster. ‘Your clothes stink, and so do you. No clean-up, no Serena. I’ll check into the Bauer … where nobody smells.’

‘That bad, is it?’ he muttered, and glared at me.

‘I’ll say! And now that I’m here, and only at Harry’s behest, remember – you’ll have to live by my rules.’

‘I see.’

‘I hope you do.’ I rose. ‘Shall I run a bath, or will you take a shower?’

He slumped down into the cushions on the sofa, a morose expression settling on his face. He was unresponsive. Leaning his head against the pillows, he closed his eyes, ignoring me.

I decided, in that instant, that the only way to deal with Zac and get him back on his feet and healthy was for me to get tough and stay tough. If I showed any weakness he would endeavour to manipulate me. And he was good at manipulation, as I knew only too well.

Being tough was necessary, but I also had to use the threat of leaving. That would frighten him into submission, persuade him to do what I wanted. I knew he truly needed me at this particular time, otherwise he wouldn’t have buried his pride and asked Harry to ask me to come here.

Geoff looked at Zac, then across at me, and raised a brow.

Making a decision, I said, ‘I’m glad I didn’t unpack, Geoff. Come on, let’s get my bag and go to the Bauer. I’m hungry, so I’ll check in there, and then we can have lunch on the terrace.’

‘A shower,’ Zac announced from the depths of the huge sofa. ‘A shower’s easier right now.’ As he was speaking he pushed himself to his feet. I thought he looked slightly groggy.

I watched him walk across the room, and I realized he was limping. That old shrapnel wound from years ago was more than likely acting up. ‘Do you need help?’ I called after him.

‘No,’ he grunted and went into the bathroom he was using, banging the door behind him.

I turned around, and said to Geoff, ‘That’s a relief. His clothes stink. Why didn’t you warn me?’

Geoff looked at me askance. ‘And frighten you off? No way, kid. Anyway, I can only say that he improved the moment he saw you. I think he’s trying to behave as normally as possible. Obviously he doesn’t want you to leave. Sometimes at night—’ Geoff cut himself off, and sat down again in one of the armchairs.

‘What is it he does at night?’ I asked, taking the chair opposite, staring at him, wondering if Zac was suffering from nightmares or flashbacks. More than likely he was.

‘He has bad dreams, Serena, so be prepared. He shouts and screams and calls your name quite a lot … sometimes he’s yelling for Serena, sometimes he uses the nickname Jessica gave you:
Pidge
.’ Geoff now gave me a thoughtful look, then frowned. ‘What does that mean, Serena? Pidge is an unusual name.’

I sighed, staring back at Geoff without speaking. I had always been secretive about Jessica’s nickname for me – why, I’d never really understood.

‘Go on, tell me,’ Geoff encouraged, obviously riddled with curiosity.

Suddenly I made my mind up to tell him. He was intrigued, and I was grateful to him for risking his life by going to Helmand Province to get Zac out of that highly dangerous situation.

‘I’ve never told anybody; not even Zac knows,’ I explained. ‘I’m going to tell you, though, but you must keep it a secret.’

‘I will. Go on then, I’m all ears. I really wanna know.’

‘When I was little, Jessica started to call me Smidge. That comes from the word smidgen, which means a small portion, a little bit … I was
a
little bit
to her. She used it affectionately, but I hated that name and objected most vociferously. So at my request she dropped it, started to call me Pidge, which is short for pigeon. She told me she chose it because a pigeon is a small chirping bird, just like me. But keep it quiet, okay?’

‘I will,’ Geoff answered. ‘I’m flattered you told me, although I don’t know why it’s such a big secret. It’s not such a bad nickname.’

I smiled at him warmly. I liked Geoff, and he had been a good friend to me over the years. ‘Little girls like to have secrets, you know … and I’ve maintained the secret over the years.’

He smiled back, winked. ‘I get it, and your secret is safe with
moi
. But about Zac, he’s been better since you arrived. I think he might have relaxed because he feels safe with you here. I’m beginning to feel more optimistic about his recovery.’