Secrets in the Shadows (24 page)

“Nothing, really. Just—she expressed interest in dating me when I came back to town.” When he saw her raised eyebrows, he winced. “I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that.”

Lauren tried to be nonchalant. “Why not? She was a very pretty, sensual woman. You’re attractive and straight. It’s a fairly simple boy-meets-girl equation.”

He disagreed. “Not that she wasn’t attractive, but she was way too aggressive for my liking.” He hesitated, as if searching for the right words. “I know a lot of people have a casual view of sex these days, but I’m not one of them. I saw how much that attitude hurt my parents, and I guess it made an impression.”

“Oh.” She turned her attention back to the view, surprised by his words.

“How well did you know her?” He moved his arm so that he could play with the ends of her hair.

“Not well, really. She was in the LBL, and I went in The Gallery a time or two. She came in the shop pretty frequently. She and Ava had a good rapport. It always surprised me, because Charity was so sophisticated and polished, but she had a really wicked sense of humor, and she never acted like she was better than anyone else. For all that friendliness, though, I don’t think she was close to anyone, really.” Charlie grunted.

“What?”

“Just that she had a lot of dates with different men. I’d see her in the Lighthouse often. It doesn’t surprise me that she didn’t seem close to anyone. Women like her usually don’t have intimate friends. They tend to see other women as competition.”

“Now hang on a second. Didn’t you accuse me once of being one of ‘those women’?” She drew back so she could meet his gaze. Not sure whether to be offended or amused, she watched as, flustered, he tried to figure out what to say next.

“The kind of woman you are and the kind of woman she was—they’re not even close to being the same thing.”

“Excuse me?”

“Crap.” With a groan, he laid his head back on the padded swing and rubbed his eyes. “She was a player. You aren’t.” He cleared his throat. “I’m just digging deeper here, aren’t I?”

Taking pity on him, she patted his cheek. “I know what you’re trying to say.” She laid her head on his shoulder and snuggled a little closer. “Not all women are cut out for the family life and commitment, you know. I’ve often wondered if I wasn’t one of them.”

Charlie stared at her, incredulous. “You’re kidding, right?” When she looked away from him and shook her head, he gently turned her face back to his. “Lady, you’ve got ‘white picket fence’ written all over you. You nurture everyone around you, and from what I’ve seen, kids think you’re the bomb. Why in the world would you think you’re not cut out to be a wife and mother?”

Lauren was very quiet as she sat there, arms crossed, and looked out over the darkening vista in front of them. “When I married David, I had some Pollyanna picture in my head about what married life was going to be like. It was nothing like what I’d imagined, what I’d seen with my own parents. Instead, it was little more than a three-year-long argument. I tried to be the perfect wife, and the harder I tried, the worse it got. By the time Ava was born, we were barely speaking.” She swallowed. “The fact that she was even conceived was something of a miracle. We’d decided to give our marriage one last shot, and I got pregnant. She wasn’t planned, and becoming parents was something neither of us wanted at that point in our lives, especially since we realized the marriage wasn’t salvageable. I filed for divorce two days before I found out I was pregnant. Can you imagine?”

“You could have chosen another route,” he said quietly.

“Abortion? No, that was never an option for me. Look, I believe women have the right to manage our own bodies, but I also believe that when we choose to have sex, we’re signing up for whatever happens as a result. Pregnancy is always a risk, and if it occurs, then you deal with it. Ava didn’t ask to be conceived. It just happened. I wasn’t thrilled with the knowledge that I’d soon be a divorced, single parent, but I dealt with it. The first few months after she was born were some of the hardest times I’ve ever known, but from the moment I first saw her image on the ultrasound screen, I knew she’d be worth the stress. Every day I thank God for her,” she continued, “because if I hadn’t had her? Knowing that little girl has made me a better person.” She stopped for a minute to gather her thoughts.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that, while I love being her mother, I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a wife.”

“Do you say that because your first marriage didn’t work out?”

She could feel her cheeks flaming in the darkness, and hoped Charlie couldn’t see them. “No. Not because of that. God, this is embarrassing. I don’t enjoy intimacy, if you must know. That was part of the problem between me and David. I have issues with physical intimacy.” She stood up and walked over to lean against the fence, humiliated by what she had just admitted.

After a minute, he walked over to stand beside her. “Have you had any counseling? About the assault, I mean?”

She nodded. “After Ava was born.”

“Did your therapist tell you that it wasn’t unusual for women who’ve been assaulted to have issues with physical contact? That even in perfect relationships, it sometimes takes work to get past those?”

Lauren looked at him. “How do you know that?”

“I have a friend whose wife went through something similar to your assault. They hit a rough spot a few years ago, and he talked to me about it. He was terrified of doing the wrong thing, of hurting her more, but they went to counseling and learned how to handle her issues when they came up.”

She didn’t know what to say. That was the last response she had been expecting. “Oh.”

“How supportive was David about what had happened to you?”

She went back to the swing. Sitting in the corner, she tucked her feet up under her skirt again. “He was aware of it, certainly, but we were young and ignorant, and neither of us really knew how to handle it. We mostly ignored it. The topic was the elephant in the room no one wanted to talk about.”

“Have you ever tried being intimate with anyone else?” He sat back down, his gaze on his feet.

Lauren felt her entire body flush. “This is so embarrassing. I’m a grown woman, and I can’t even talk to a man about sex, for cripes sake. To answer your question, no. I’ve not. Until recently, I’d never met anyone who made me want to try.”

He drew in a sharp breath at the confession. “Anyone I know?”

“You know I’m talking about you. At least, I hope you know that.”

Charlie was perfectly still for what seemed like the longest time, then he slowly reached his hand out to hers. “Come here. Just come sit beside me, please. Let me hold you.”

She watched him carefully before she moved over and let him draw her close. Resting her head against his shoulder, she closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. His warmth seemed to surround her, even though she only touched him along one side of her body. Her heart pounded in her chest.

“I’ve never wanted to be touched by a man before, not really, even David. It always felt unclean, somehow. But I don’t feel that way with you, and that scares me to death. With you, I want more touching, not less.”

“God, Lauren, you kill me.” His voice choked and, catching her other hand, he brought it up to his chest and held it, kissing her knuckles. Holding her close, he leaned back and pushed the swing gently with his foot. For a while, they just held each other, and then he spoke.

“You know I’m attracted to you, right?”

She nodded jerkily. She’d started down this road tonight, and she’d see it through to wherever it ended even if it killed her. “Yes, I know. So what do we do with the attraction?”

He made a comfortable sound. “What do you want to do?”

Lauren moved her head against his shoulder. “Honestly? I want to stay right here in this swing and not move for the next week. That’s not an option, though, and that doesn’t answer your question.” Pulling her hand from his, she drew back far enough to see his face. She gently touched his cheek, moving her fingers over his lips with a feather-light caress. At her touch, he went still, barely breathing.

As she explored the contours of his face, she answered. “I guess I want this to be easy, to not scare me. I want to be able to kiss you, or be kissed by you, and not feel ashamed or inadequate. I know the difference intellectually between what happened back then and what would be taking place between us, but intellectually and emotionally are two different things. You understand?”

He swallowed, and kissed her fingertips. “I do understand. The last thing I want to do is scare you. You tell me what you’re comfortable with, and if I do something that makes you uneasy, or that you don’t want me to do, tell me to stop and I will. I won’t get mad, I won’t punish you. Okay?”

The solemnity of his expression brought tears to her eyes. “Okay.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I told you that I’m not exactly the most experienced guy in the world?”

“What do you mean?”

His smile flashed in the dark. “It’s my turn for embarrassing confessions. I’m not a virgin. But I haven’t been with very many women, and I’ve never treated sex casually.” He pushed her hair away from her face. “It comes back to that whole thing with my parents. It left its own scars.”

She touched his cheek. “It does help to hear that. Thank you for telling me.”

“You are very welcome.” He turned his face to nuzzle her hand. “I’d like very much to kiss you right now, but only if you want me to.”

“Just a kiss?”

“Just a kiss,” he promised. “A very good kiss, hopefully, but just a kiss.” When she nodded ‘yes,’ he closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

“Okay, then.” Making a production of his movements, he stretched his arms out to the sides and rotated his shoulders as though loosening up for exercise. He pretended to roll his sleeves up, even though he wore a t-shirt, and cracked his knuckles, making her smile.

“Come here, woman.” He tugged her gently into his arms. Growing serious, he touched her face with a hand, running his fingers into her hair and drawing her mouth to his. Very slowly, he brushed his lips over hers, placing butterfly-light kisses at the corners of her mouth.

“You know, you have kissed me before. I promise I won’t faint if you do it properly now,” Lauren told him.

“Oh, so this isn’t proper kissing, then?” He pulled back and gave her a mock frown. “I see how it is. Here I’m trying to be romantic—”

Cutting his words off with her mouth, Lauren sealed her lips to his. After a moment’s hesitation, he moaned and cupped the back of her head in his hands, deepening the kiss.

Lauren’s eyelids fluttered closed and she slowly sank into him. Tentatively, she raised her hands up his arms and slid them around his neck, her touch becoming firmer as she grew more comfortable with the idea of touching and being touched. She couldn’t get over it—she felt no shame, no urgent need to break off the kiss, just warmth and an overwhelming sense of rightness at being in Charlie’s arms.

Time seemed to stop for a while, and they lost track of everything except each other. When Charlie slowly untangled his mouth from hers and moved back a little, she followed him. His voice was husky when he spoke. “Not that I want to stop what we’re doing, because I don’t, but your parents and Ava are back from town.”

It took a second for the words to register. “What?” She turned to look toward the back of the house, where she could see her mother and Ava moving around in the kitchen. “Oh. They are back. I wonder how long they’ve been home.”

He feathered a kiss across her temple, then down to her ear. “Just a couple minutes. I saw the light go on in the kitchen. Think we can pretend they’re not here?”

Just then Ava came to the back door and hollered. “Mo-ommm, Grandma says to tell you we’re back.”

“That’d be a no.” With a reluctant sigh, she stood, her knees wobbly. “I guess we’d better go in.”

He stood, as well, and pulled her into his arms for a quick kiss. “Actually, I should probably head home.”

She played with his collar. “Do you have to?” To her surprise, a flush spread across his cheeks.

“I’m not exactly presentable right now, especially not to go talk to your parents or Ava,” he told her in a low voice. She felt her eyes widen as she took in his meaning, and she couldn’t resist glancing down.

“Oh!”

Charlie smiled at her wonder. “Come on, I’ll walk you up at least halfway.” Hands linked, they headed toward the house. When they reached the steps that led up to the patio, he stopped, tugging her toward him.

“When can I see you again?”

“I don’t know. Things are so crazy right now…”

“You have to eat. So does Ava. How about Thursday evening? I can pick something up and bring it to your house, or you guys can come here. You still haven’t seen my house, you know.”

Lauren tilted her head, thinking. “Why don’t you come to the house and I’ll cook? We’ve eaten more takeout lately than I’m comfortable with.” As his eyes took on a glazed look, she laughed.